Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH has been wearing my clothes

78 replies

Ollypops14 · 12/09/2019 12:06

I write here because ive got nobody else to confide in . I have recently noticed my clothes missing or left in places i did not put them . I have till now just put it down to having a teenage daughter , you know what there like for borrowing things and not putting them back.
DH has been off work recently due to ill health . Which means hes been home alot.
I was sent home from work Monday with tummy bug so i came home earlier than expected .Omg there he was in my Dress !!

i dont even know what to feel he said its a one off , a joke but im so upset

OP posts:
Original poster
Ollypops14 · 12/09/2019 12:13

I should add ive had a feeling somthings not been right for a long time

OP posts:
Aria2015 · 12/09/2019 12:23

I can imagine that must have been a huge shock Thanks. I don't think it's a ’joke’ or even a one off given that you've noticed your clothes being left in of places. I do think though that you need to try and have an open and honest conversation with your dh. Try and put your shock and upset to one side as it may scare him off telling you what's going on for fear of making you more upset. Try and be open and understanding. Him dressing in your clothes isn't a crime but I suppose you need to establish why he did (does it). He may just enjoy wearing womens clothes, which while still a shock may not in itself be too much of an issue if it's simply something he enjoys. It may of course be something more complex which could have implications for your relationship so I do think it's something that should be addressed. I can only imagine the thoughts and worry going through your mind but until you know more, you won't really know the full story and be equipped to deal with it.

Dullardmullard · 12/09/2019 12:24

Talk to him don’t shy away from it as it will fester

Rachelover60 · 12/09/2019 12:28

If he fits into your clothes that means you can fit into his! Some men's trousers and jeans are really nice and fit better that women's' Raid his wardrobe but be open about it.

liblou · 12/09/2019 13:33

Curious what was is reaction when you caught him

Original poster
Ollypops14 · 12/09/2019 13:35

Hi thanks for your prompt replies im going to sit him down and talk to him later .
My reaction was along the lines of WHAT THE FUCK !!
If you get my drift

OP posts:
sheshootssheimplores · 12/09/2019 13:36

You are potentially about to open a Pandora’s box OP. How do you feel about it?

liblou · 12/09/2019 13:37

How did DH react

Original poster
Ollypops14 · 12/09/2019 13:40

He covered up quickly with a towel that was hanging over the Bannister
and ran into my DS room but it was too late i saw him its an image i can not get out of my mind 32 years of marriage 3 children i feel like i do not know him anymore .

OP posts:
Whatsnewpussyhat · 12/09/2019 13:42

Be prepared for the slippery slope. The more of his fetish you accept the more he will push your boundaries.

It would mean the end of the relationship for me as I couldn't be with someone who got off on pretending they were a woman.

Look up AGP

BarbaraStrozzi · 12/09/2019 13:46

You will get lots of posts telling you this is harmless and just a minor sexual quirk, and that you need to be cool and accepting and supportive.

However as with any sexual activity your partner springs on you out of nowhere you have an absolute right to be uncomfortable with it and say "no, this is not what I signed up to."

Also, even if you are minded to be supportive provided he's prepared to compartmentalise his behaviour, be warned that in a significant number of men this will only be the tip of the iceberg. His behaviour may well escalate. Read as much as you can, both from pro kink sources and from women who have found that this sort of sexual fetish has blown their lives apart.

Then work out what the boundaries of what you are comfortable are, and what are absolute deal breakers for you, and be prepared to fight for those boundaries. Fight or walk away. Because if you let him erode every boundary you set, the situation will destroy you.

Happyspud · 12/09/2019 13:51

I think it’s ok for you not to be ok with this. It’s not expected practice from a straight heterosexual man so you have every right to feel you’ve been deceived and that there’s no room in your relationship for it. He may not tell you or even know what it is to him but it’s completely up to you whether you are part of a relationship with him or not.

Juells · 12/09/2019 13:58

Look at the transwidows threads in FWR :(

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights

Staysexyanddontgetmurdered · 12/09/2019 14:06

Just going to throw it out there that lots of men cross dress purely because it interests them, nothing to do with wanting to BE a woman or because they get a sexual buzz from it. Obviously I have no idea what your husband's situation is but just wanted to offer the other side of things.
Hugs to you.

Bunglefromrainbow · 12/09/2019 14:19

However as with any sexual activity

WTF? OP made no mention of this being a sexual activity, she just walked in on her husband wearing a dress? Is a woman wearing a dress also being sexual? That's sexist beyond belief.

if you let him erode every boundary you set

Jesus, please ignore this poster OP. Your husband has not done anything wrong, he just likes to wear womens (maybe only your) clothes. I'm staggered that in 2019 people take this attitude that there is one set of clothing for Men and one set for Women.

Speak to your husband over the next few weeks and gain his confidence. He's obviously not comfortable to wear these clothes in public or around people that know him and that's likely due to people reacting like some have in this thread. Try to find out what it is that has drawn him to this, is it a kink as some mention, or is it something else.

If it's not something that you are comfortable with then consider why that is and work out if one or both of you can or should change, if not then obviously it's game up but look to yourself before looking to him.

suspended · 12/09/2019 14:28

Op, please head on over to the Trans Widows escape committee on the feminism chat board.

There are a lot of helpful women on there who will give you some GREAT advice.

xx

Lennon80 · 12/09/2019 14:28

Some very naive posters here. Personally I’d be ending my marriage if I found my husband doing this. Not what I’d signed up to at all. Search Autogynphillia - I think it’s worth you going down the rabbit hole on this so you can understand where your husband lies on the scale. So sorry this is utterly shit for you and you are no way obliged to ‘be supportive’ of kink behaviour you didn’t know about.

BarbaraStrozzi · 12/09/2019 14:29

Possible reasons for a man wearing a dress in a society which strongly frowns on men wearing dresses:
1 he's from s different culture
2 he's doing it to make a political point (like the brickies who wore dresses when their employer banned shorts
3 he gets a kick out of it
4 he just fancied it, the way you sometimes fancy wearing jeans, because of course we regularly see men in dresses around the place
5 he's planning on being ordained into the church of the flying spaghetti monster and wanted an idea of what the ceremonial robes felt like.

I leave it to you, OP to decide which of these is the most likely explanation. I'm still betting it's sexual.

NotTonightJosepheen · 12/09/2019 14:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cheeseandwin5 · 12/09/2019 14:41

@BarbaraStrozzi

Cross dressing doesn't need to have a sexual element, and it is wrong to just assume this is the case. Where men's clothes have made the cross over to be acceptable worn by women, sadly this isn't the case for ladies clothes. People should be able to wear what they want to wear with out being accused of being some kind and it is kind of hypocritical to say for one gender its OK and the other its a sign of deviancy, unless off course your saying females get a sexual thrill from wearing trousers etc, which I am pretty sure your are not.

To the OP I suggest you talk to your DH, find out why he wants to wear these clothes. Off course you need to be comfortable with what is happening, I think you should be careful about suppressing his needs due to small minded prejudice.

ReanimatedSGB · 12/09/2019 14:42

You won't know until you talk to him whether he is a cross-dresser or whether he feels he is on the way to transitioning ie intends to go for hormones, surgery, name-change etc. It's worth having a think about what you are prepared to live with and what you consider a deal-breaker, because this decision is up to you. A lot of the advice you get on MN will be highly politicised because this is such a polarising topic these days. However, some people are able to accept a partner either cross-dressing or being transgender; others may find that they can end the relationship on friendly terms on the grounds that they no longer wish to be in a sexual/romantic relationship with the person... and, in some cases, it ends up in a ghastly mess. If your H has always been selfish and sometimes unkind to you, it would be as well to end the relationship sooner, because, well, those are good enough reasons to dump someone anyway. If this person has always been a loving, supportive partner you might be able to come to an agreement that suits you both.

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/09/2019 14:43

When I was at university a male friend (who fancied me) came out to me as wanting to wear women’s clothes. I was cool with it and fine with what was then called transvestism, although even then I wouldn’t have been in a relationship with someone, who chose to cross dress. Seeing what is happening now that deffo wouldn’t be for me.

You need a frank conversation. How do you feel?

HollowTalk · 12/09/2019 14:45

@Bunglefromrainbow How likely is it that a middle aged man doesn't associate dressing up in women's clothes with sex?

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 12/09/2019 14:46

you should be careful about suppressing his needs due to small minded prejudice

WTAF?!

OP, obviously your partner wearing your clothes is something that you are deeply uncomfortable with.

Your OH does not get to dress in your clothes to "meet his needs" if that is crossing a boundary. You are allowed to have your own boundaries and your own needs.

As PPs have suggested head over to the trans widows threads on FWR where you can see a possibility of how things develop. Of course sit down and talk to your partner, but you are allowed to not accept this.

NameChangeNugget · 12/09/2019 14:54

My reaction would be the same as yours OP. WTAF?!

I don’t think I could carry on with DH if I saw him like that