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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH has been wearing my clothes

78 replies

Ollypops14 · 12/09/2019 12:06

I write here because ive got nobody else to confide in . I have recently noticed my clothes missing or left in places i did not put them . I have till now just put it down to having a teenage daughter , you know what there like for borrowing things and not putting them back.
DH has been off work recently due to ill health . Which means hes been home alot.
I was sent home from work Monday with tummy bug so i came home earlier than expected .Omg there he was in my Dress !!

i dont even know what to feel he said its a one off , a joke but im so upset

OP posts:
Sn0tnose · 12/09/2019 14:56

I think you should be careful about suppressing his needs due to small minded prejudice. The OP has potentially had her entire world turned on its head. The only needs she should be worrying about right now are her own.

SherbetSaucer · 12/09/2019 15:06

Cross-dressing is (despite what many have said here) harmless. Lots of men who cross-dress say they do so because they clothes feel comfortable, it’s wrong to assume it always has a sexual element as it often doesn’t. Some even behave like women when they dress up. Again, that’s fairly harmless. It doesn’t mean they want to BE a woman. It’s more of an escape from reality.

My concern would be, is this simply cross-dressing or does he have gender dysphoria. That’s what I’d be looking to find out.

NotTonightJosepheen · 12/09/2019 15:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 12/09/2019 15:10

Cross-dressing is (despite what many have said here) harmless.

I think that is for the OP to decide

Lots of men who cross-dress say they do so because they clothes feel comfortable

Of course they do Hmm

it’s wrong to assume it always has a sexual element as it often doesn’t.

But it usually does.

Some even behave like women when they dress up. Again, that’s fairly harmless.

How do women behave?

doublesheesh · 12/09/2019 15:12

Whilst it may not be harmful in anyway, I wouldn't be able to look at my dh in a sexual way after seeing him dressed as a woman. That image wood kill it all for me I'm afraid. He has the absolute right to express himself as he chooses. I have an absolute right to be or not be attracted or repulsed by it.

NotTonightJosepheen · 12/09/2019 15:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mylifenow27 · 12/09/2019 15:19

What is AGP? I googled it and it came up with computer stuff and flights Confused

Lipz · 12/09/2019 15:20

There are alot of reasons why people do certain things, everyone is different and some people can live with certain things and some can't.

You need to speak to your dh, however, be prepared for some lies. He may tell you that it was his first time, he'll never do it again, there was no clothes available when he got out of the shower plus many more.

I went through this with my first serious realtionship. I caught him in a blouse and skirt I wore for work, he told me at the time that he just wanted to see what he looked like in it, I thought it strange but didn't give it any more head space. Then like you I came home early and he was wearing a summer dress I owned, he told me there were none of his clothes handy when he got out of the shower Hmm there was 2 more incidents and having spoken to friends about it, I was told by the majority that it was normal and many men do it, so I went along with it, accepted that he liked to wear women's clothes. The final straw that made me leave him was when I caught him wanking in silk knickers (not mine), stockings, suspender belt and bra. He actually wanted to have sex with me wearing them.

For me, this was not what I wanted, I packed my bags, some people can live with it but some can't, its up to you what you want to do. I remember when I was packing and took my suitcase from the attic and there was a massive suitcase there I hadn't seen before, I broke the locks on it and it was stuffed to the brim with women's clothes, underwear and really dirty porn videos.

NotTonightJosepheen · 12/09/2019 15:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

joolzfromyork · 12/09/2019 15:25

@mylifenow27

AGP=Autogynephilia

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blanchard%27s_transsexualism_typology

Please keep an open mind ... it is an extremely controversial subject that may be correct ... may be nonsense ...

BeanBag7 · 12/09/2019 15:32

He covered up quickly with a towel that was hanging over the Bannister
and ran into my DS room
Doesn't sound like he was doing it for a joke, more like he wasnt expecting you home.

Some people on this thread are jumping to conclusions about what this may/may not be. You need to have a frank discussion with your husband - how often does he do this? Why? Would he be happy to stop due to your discomfort? Is it sexual or not etc. etc.

GlasshouseStoneThrower · 12/09/2019 15:33

There's lots of hysteria on this thread, and it's probably not helpful to the OP.

OP - it's ok for you to take your time to work our how you feel about this. And it's ok if you never feel ok with it, regardless of your husband's motivations for it.

There could be lots of explanations, ranging from mild curiosity on your husband's part to him questioning his gender. Maybe you won't be ok with any of those explanations. Or maybe you'll find a way forwards with your relationships regardless of what it is. It's ok to take the time you need to unpack your feelings.

I think you should try to talk to your husband. If you can create a non-judgmental environment for him to share his feelings, you will be more likely to get an honest response. Creating a non-judgmental environment doesn't mean you have to accept what he does or approve of his choices. It just means you should be willing to let him put his version of events to you before you decide anything or pass judgment.

I hope that you're ok, and that whatever you decide you find a way forward that works for you Thanks

NKFell · 12/09/2019 15:35

Sneaking about trying on your wife's clothes isn't the same as men who are liberal with boundaries- one of my my brother's has always worn women's skinny jeans and eyeliner- that isn't the same as creeping about in your wife's dress.

Never mind 'his needs' think about your needs and also, this 'needs' will most likely be a fetish or some sort of kink. Hope it's not AGP but this seems to often be how it starts.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 12/09/2019 15:37

Knowing what I know now I would be extremely suspicious in your shoes, OP.

KUGA · 12/09/2019 15:39

As big of a shock as it was I honestly wouldn't make such a big deal.
At least he doesnt cheat on you. Have a chat with him and I suggest you tell him you dont mind but please be open about it .
I worked for a guy who cross dressed and when I told him it doesnt bother me he hasnt done it since.
At the end of the day it`s just clothes.

NotTonightJosepheen · 12/09/2019 15:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AFistfulofDolores1 · 12/09/2019 15:40

It's a fetish, and fetishes are very delicate behaviours to deal with, because their 'charge' lies in their illicitness, and yet, when they have an impact on others, they need to be looked at and talked about openly. They are also deeply embedded in the psyche, and therefore resistant to change (not they have to change, but just in case you're wanting him to change, OP).

The best thing to do is to talk frankly, and take things from there.

BigFatLiar · 12/09/2019 15:42

Tell him if he wants to wear a dress then he should get his own.

It may be sexual it may not but if you can't accept it then you can't. Its the same as any other behavior if you can't accept then don't.
I'm sure you wouldn't have married if you knew he liked wearing dresses, If you didn't like dogs you probably wouldn't have gone with a dog owner.

He's probably embarrassed as he knows people associate men in dresses as pervs, queers or transexuals. Some are simply men who like wearing dresses. Its not socially acceptable and not something you are required to accept if you can't. Considering the wide range of sexual behaviors around cross dressing seems fairly mild.

BarbaraStrozzi · 12/09/2019 15:48

At least he doesn`t cheat on you.

Blimey, some women set the bar low for what they expect in a relationship.

Personally, I'd aim for openess, equality and sexual compatibility as bare minimums.

WhatTheWatersShowedMe · 12/09/2019 15:55

All the people who are saying this isn't such a big fucking deal should wander over to the Transwidows threads on the Feminism Chat board and have a read. Autogynephiles can absolutely wreck their families' lives and virtually bankrupt them in the process. The relationships are often abusive in one way or another. And the worst part is, if the husband comes out as a transwoman, they are often lauded as brave and lavished with attention by outsiders whilst their wife is often left bewildered and hurt with little support, in a relationship with someone who has become a total stranger to her. And if she decides to leave her husband she'll often be branded as a transphobe for not accepting the transition.

Newbie1981 · 12/09/2019 15:59

Lol OP DO NOT GO TO THE FEMINIST BOARD as the pp suggested. Unless you want to hear a load of bigots bashing your husband and lots of other minorities!

allabouteve1 · 12/09/2019 16:08

Lol OP DO NOT GO TO THE FEMINIST BOARD as the pp suggested. Unless you want to hear a load of bigots bashing your husband and lots of other minorities!

Yes, because hearing other women's stories of their experiences when they caught their husbands cross dressing like on the trans widow thread wouldn't help OP at all. Hmm

BeanBag7 · 12/09/2019 16:10

Autogynephiles can absolutely wreck their families' lives and virtually bankrupt them in the process. The relationships are often abusive in one way or another.

This is what I mean by leaping to conclusions.

AllNewDay · 12/09/2019 16:26

Could be cross-dressing/drag, could be he's trans, could be sexual, could not be sexual. Unless OP comes back with an update, we won't know. In countries that celebrate carneval it is not uncommon for men to fancy-dress as women and vice versa. So men dressing in women's clothes occasionally isn't unusual.

I am quite liberal and open-minded but have to admit, I'd feel strange if DH started to wear my clothes. YANBU for being a little weirded out, especially as he never seems to have mentioned anything. I get that dresses and skirts are comfier than trousers but even if that is all there is to it, he should have talked to you first.

suspended · 12/09/2019 16:32

It's a fetish, he was embarrassed for you to find out. He's probably been jerking off in your clothes.