Money arguments - am I right to feel hard done by?

[User1336468]

My other half and I are always arguing about money. We each think we are hard done by.

So I thought I'd lay the facts in front of a mumsnet jury to see what you think.

My spouse D and I are married, with 2 boys, 7 and 3.

I have a normal office job, and earn about 80k. D has a small business, with a turnover of around 80k.

The eldest is in school and the youngest is in nursery 3 days a week, with a nanny for part of the other 2 days, and D fills the gaps.

I sometimes do the odd dropoff, and get back from work in time to help with bathtime and do bedtime.

I pay for:

all childcare, nanny, babysitting - 750 pm
all holidays - average 650 pm (that's only 2 holidays per year)
all going out for dinner, cinema - 240 pm
all car servicing etc - 120pm
house bills (inc food) - I pay about 1400 per month and D about 450

D handles school runs, cooking, tidying, organising school uniform, buying presents for children's parties, organising things to do on the weekend, and so on.

D also has a hobby / sport / obsession, which takes up a good deal of time and money.

Due to the nature of the business and the sport, it's difficult to know how much the latter is costing. Think of a motorsport enthusiast who also owns a garage. If they use the garage staff, supplies, and tools etc to maintain their fleet of racing cars, it's difficult to separate legitimate business costs from motorsport costs. However, D has estimated it as about £2k per month.

My gripe is that every penny of my £4500 salary is accounted for every month, with almost none left to spend on myself or save. I'm always in the red by the 15th. D on the other hand, spends an unknown amount (but probably around 2k) on the aforementioned sport, £450 on house bills, and then has none left to pay for anything else.

Am I right to feel hard done by?

Well yes, obviously.

Why isn't he paying his share of the household and children's costs?

I have a normal office job, and earn about 80k

What kind of normal office job earns 80k??

Why are you paying for so much more than him? Surely you both pay in the same amount and have the same amount of fun money

All money should be put into one account. Every bill should be paid out of that account. What is left should be divided equally between you and D.

If you both earn 4500 per month then why don't you just split all the costs of everything in half? Doesn't make sense

What country is this, where a normal office job pays 80k? Or rather - what currency?

You haven't told us how much profit he makes from the business. It also depends on whether the hobby is necessary for the business - a company which specialises in tuning racing cars would need to have a high profile within the sport, perhaps.. if you count that as a business expense then he's only making £450 per month and needs to look for another source of income. The figures you've given for your expenses don't come close to £4500, in fact they leave at least £1k at your disposal, yet you say every penny is accounted for; I think we need a lot more information.

My DH earns more than me but we just share everything.

@Shoxfordian - the business turns over the same as OP's salary - it's not the money her other half takes home.

£80k is not a “normal office job”, it’s a very highly paid job.

D is U if they spend £2k on a hobby.

This could be partly solved by both paying an agreed sum per month into a joint account for shared costs, like the ones you are currently paying.

You need to get D to sit down with you and go over all your finances in fine detail. If you are earning £80K in a normal office job 😁 I'm guessing you would be very capable of producing a household audit.

Then start the negotiations. It clearly isn't fair at the moment.

It's difficult to work out how much d is bringing home though.

And why they think, money wise they are badly done to?

Can I have your job?

He's taking the piss. Add all the family expenses or childcare, mortgage, food, petrol (none hobby), insurance. Divide by 2 and tell him to cough up.

The information provided doesn’t tell us anything. Turnover and isn’t profit and profit isn’t earnings.

No point in asking us. You both need to establish the actual household income and actual outgoings. These are not identified in the post in full.

With a combined family income of 160k, I'm struggling to get past your use of 'hard done by' in your thread title

You need to put all your money into one account. What ever is left over can be shared. Although husband needs to transfer money into another account each month for payment of tax.

You have 160k annually and argue over money. We have under 40k and share. I don't understand how either of you could feel short-changed or why either of you would be trying to take more than your fair share of 160k. It would probably be easier to just pay all the bills etc and then divide what is left between you.

With a combined family income of 160k, I'm struggling to get past your use of 'hard done by' in your thread title

Thay isnt the family income. It could 82k for all we know.

Why are you not splitting costs in half between you both?

And 160k is hard done by

Yeah right

It doesn’t matter if you earn £18 or £80k, the division of bills should be fair.
You could get another bank account and each transfer in half the total of the bills per month (plus say £100 or £200 contingency fund in case you have a big shop for an event or whatever). That’s your kitty. That’s where you arrange for all the direct debits to come from. Unless he has some reason why he shouldn’t be contributing as much as you to the cost of running the house he should pay up. Doing this via another bank account means there is no doubt about who paid what. And you share any excess once you build it up sufficiently.

There is a big difference between turnover of £80k and earning £80k

What do you both take home as salary?

Of course you're hard done by.

You need one pot for bills that you contribute to equally, and groceries, childcare and sundries should also come out of this pot.
You need a second pot for holidays and leisure activities, and both of you should contribute equally to that pot.
And a third pot for savings/emergency funds, into which you both contribute equally.

Then whatever each of you have left, once bills and savings are covered, is yours individually. Since you both earn about the same, you should both have the same amount of personal spends.

Why are posters assuming D is Male? D could be female? Op could be either sex?

80k working in an office job? Ok then.

Ffs. The family income is not £160k. Turnover is not the same as profit.

What is his rough net profit op?