Money arguments - am I right to feel hard done by?

[User1336468]

My other half and I are always arguing about money. We each think we are hard done by.

So I thought I'd lay the facts in front of a mumsnet jury to see what you think.

My spouse D and I are married, with 2 boys, 7 and 3.

I have a normal office job, and earn about 80k. D has a small business, with a turnover of around 80k.

The eldest is in school and the youngest is in nursery 3 days a week, with a nanny for part of the other 2 days, and D fills the gaps.

I sometimes do the odd dropoff, and get back from work in time to help with bathtime and do bedtime.

I pay for:

all childcare, nanny, babysitting - 750 pm
all holidays - average 650 pm (that's only 2 holidays per year)
all going out for dinner, cinema - 240 pm
all car servicing etc - 120pm
house bills (inc food) - I pay about 1400 per month and D about 450

D handles school runs, cooking, tidying, organising school uniform, buying presents for children's parties, organising things to do on the weekend, and so on.

D also has a hobby / sport / obsession, which takes up a good deal of time and money.

Due to the nature of the business and the sport, it's difficult to know how much the latter is costing. Think of a motorsport enthusiast who also owns a garage. If they use the garage staff, supplies, and tools etc to maintain their fleet of racing cars, it's difficult to separate legitimate business costs from motorsport costs. However, D has estimated it as about £2k per month.

My gripe is that every penny of my £4500 salary is accounted for every month, with almost none left to spend on myself or save. I'm always in the red by the 15th. D on the other hand, spends an unknown amount (but probably around 2k) on the aforementioned sport, £450 on house bills, and then has none left to pay for anything else.

Am I right to feel hard done by?

[Ilikethisone]

Of course you're hard done by.

Since you dont know what D earns, you dont know that.

[category12]

Oh sorry, I assumed you meant he takes home £80K when you said turnover. What does he pay himself? And is that a genuine figure of what he earns or does he fudge it?

[Ilikethisone]

And also since F is using their business to maintain their hobby, it doesnt mean they are actually spending 2k per month in cash on the hobby.

[BuckingFrolics]

I think the OP meant her job was office based and employed rather than out and about or freelance. She could be any number of things with that income. I don't think she meant she was the office administrator.

Re money, the OP is being massively taken for a mug by her D - massively. My blood boils for her.

[GertrudeCB]

Share outgoings 50/50. You should both have the same spare money left every month.

[Ilikethisone]

Re money, the OP is being massively taken for a mug by her D - massively. My blood boils for her.

Why?

If a woman earned significantly less, paid less into the pot and did most of the child care. Would you say its unfair?

[Lulualla]

It sounds like he isn't drawing the salary he should because he spends it on his hobby but puts it through the books as a business expense so it looks as though he's only really earning a small profit and therefore doesn't pay tax? Is that right.

The whole thing is fucked up.

He needs to change that. He needs to draw a salary (minus his tax payment) which goes into your joint account, along with all your salary. You pay all bills and household expenses from that account and then split whatever is left. He can then spend that on his hobby.

If he won't, then leave.

[Mumshappy]

The only office job that pays 80k that I know of is in the Game of Life.
On a serious note though why are you not paying the same amounts into a bill's account to cover household expenses?

[Savingforarainyday]

OP
Why are you in the red every month?
Car servicing every month? Really?
House bills- does that include mortgage? If not, who pays that?
Why can't you split known costs? ( childcare)


I'm baffled at " partnerships" where each part nickel and dime each other.

Strange.

[Teenangels]

I have a motor sport enthusiast ie obsession partner, he has endless amounts of money and time for his hobby, we don’t clash about money because we have a pot that we each put a percentage of money into that covers all out goings and then a savings pot, and then we keep our own money to do what we want with.
I really hate it when posters say our money is family money when an average weekend sport costs anything from 1k to 10K I would begrudge me paying towards that. My partner doesn’t understand my love of bags and shoes at least I have something to show for my money.

[Dollymixture22]

Do you at least split the mortgage?

Is your husband’s business making a profit?

What normal office job do you do (I want to switch jobs😊)

[pikapikachu]

That's wildly unfair. 2k is almost half of your wages and a massive percentage of your household income! He shouldn't be spending it on a hobby when the family can't afford savings and for you to buy stuff for yourself.

What is his logic for being hard done by? Is the car joint or his?

[Sunshinegirl82]

I'm not sure it matters too much what D pays himself/how much profit the business earns. The reality is D estimates that he spends £2000 a month on his hobby.

That is for solely his benefit. The OP is paying for everything else (bar the £450). My view is that both parties should have equal spending/fun money. That clearly isn't happening here. Financially the OP would be better off on her own, that can't be right when one partner is spending the best part of £50k a year on a hobby.

[pikapikachu]

If a woman earned significantly less, paid less into the pot and did most of the child care. Would you say its unfair?

If she spent 2k pm on a hobby while the husband spent nothing on himself then yes.

[Heyboyo]

Why are people taking the piss just because she is wealthy? Only poor people allowed to have problems then?

[fiorentina]

I totally get you. You have a good job, it’s unclear how much he takes from his business but you should also have spare money to spend on yourself in the same way he does. He’s taking the piss by keeping all that secret and you paying all the bills. You need a serious conversation.

[doublebarrellednurse]

Turnover and take home pay are not the same thing. What does he actually pay himself?

If you're both bringing home the same you could have just said that rather than laying your private financial details for a public forum.

[Pinkmonkeybird]

I call BS. A normal office job of £80k, my arse.

[EileenAlanna]

Your monthly out-goings are £3610, let's say £4k to err on the side of caution.You each pay £2k per month into a joint account to cover these joint expenses then use what's left of your individual income's as you wish.
Pay your half only & tell him it's up to him to work out how he comes up with his half. His responsibility, not yours. He's been a CF for too long.

[DoctorAllcome]

Contributions should be proportional to take home pay. A joint account is good for this. Although if the partner D is a sole trader that may not be a good idea due to debt liability.

(For all we know, D is a professional belly dancer with a troupe and the hobby expense is really investment into costuming and such for the performances for the small business. )

I think the OP is hard done by in terms of not knowing what his/her partner actually earns as take home pay. So it is impossible to know if D is taking advantage of them as a meal ticket.

[DoctorAllcome]

80k is not astronomical. A lawyer with 10yrs experience, for example, easily makes that much.

[Fairylea]

Normal office job 80k?!

Anyway...

You should both have equal spending money. All money should go into one household account. All outgoings go out of this. Leave xxxx amount for days out / kids stuff etc. Save some. Split what’s left between you both equally.

Dh and I do this and it works well. He has a normal office job and earns £18k

[Chitarra]

Usually, I'm in favour of an "everything in the pot" approach. DH and I just have one pot and everything goes into and comes out of that (which is effectively what D and spouse are doing).

The thing that makes that unfair in this case is the massive spend on a hobby. That's the issue here IMO (not that D earns less than spouse).

[Chitarra]

I assume "office job" means something like a lawyer or accountant - someone who works in an office but is well paid for it.

[AMAM8916]

By your calculations, you should have around £1300 a month left