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Original poster

Would you date this man?

126 replies

Bluetriangle9 · 11/09/2019 07:53

Would you date this man - in my shoes?

Him:39 (almost 40). Self-employed on a moderate wage, very handsome, friendly. He has only two friends, one 1.5hrs away, one local. He's lived in the UK for 10yrs & he was married for 4yrs but had an affair & got divorced. The affair produced a child 5yo & they broke up within the first year. He maintains he has a good relationship with the ex gf & sees the child daily. He lives in a flatshare with 2 others that I can't ever visit, because 'it's not nice'. Has no hobbies or interests but enjoys a drink at the pub. He is very tactile & huggy & has made his liking for me crystal clear.

Me:49, menopausal, sigh, with a mum-bod to match. Moderately affluent divorcee (married 20yrs) with a large owned home. My dc grown up & left. I don't drink & dislike pubs.

I have some niggle that he saw my home with plenty of space & thought it'd be a great upgrade to his flatshare with plenty of space for his son. I look at him & think he could have a different girlfriend 10yrs younger than him, start life over, have more dc etc. We get along very well but I struggle to find what we have in common. I have a million hobbies/interests/friends. But I do like him - the bit I've seen so far. Trouble is, you only really know someone's truth until you've been with them. I don't want to be used.

So hit me with your worst, what do you think?

OP posts:
ChangeItChild · 11/09/2019 11:21

No, I would not date a man who had had an affair.

Also you can't go to his home and he only has two friends (this indicates there is another woman on the scene so he's keeping you separate from his real life)

Shag him if you must, but don't have him over to your home (if you suspect it's the comfortable home he's after)

Always trust your gut.

CIareIsland · 11/09/2019 11:23

I am sure you were “targeted” - many women his age or younger will either want more kids or have kids in tow. He clearly doesn’t want any of those responsibilities - as he has been unable to secure a roof over the head of his existing child - so he is on look out for a financially stable woman with own home who’s children have left home.

timshelthechoice · 11/09/2019 11:23

I wouldn't have given him the time of day, much less shag him or date him. He's a total loser.

Loopytiles · 11/09/2019 11:24

Wouldn’t date.

Too many negatives about him.

He had an affair.

“Sees” his DC daily, but presumably rarely (or never?) has DC overnight - poor IMO. does he pay decent maintenance? Self employment makes this easy to avoid for crappy fathers.

Your DC are grown up, so presumably step parenting a primary age DC wasn’t on your agenda. Agree that there is also a risk that he may have been less interested in you were you in a similar financial and housing situation to him.

Loopytiles · 11/09/2019 11:25

He may well not want the responsibility of parenting, of his existing or any more DC, so prefer a woman who doesn’t want or cannot have DC/more DC.

Daenerys77 · 11/09/2019 11:41

You don't seem to have much in common with him and you obviously don't trust him-never ignore your gut feeling in these situations.

AmIaskingfortoomuch · 11/09/2019 11:42

No way! I'm also 49, with adult children, and there is NO WAY that I would date a man with small children. If the 5 year old left home at 18, you'd be 62 years old before you had your space back. Also, the age gap is too big I think. He could easily date someone in their early 30's, and have more kids etc.

If his flat share is so vile you can't visit, how does his child visit? I'm not buying that, to be honest.

EileenAlanna · 11/09/2019 11:46

How did you get to know him? Was it in a pub while he was there with his one local friend, or through some business connection? What's he self-employed at & for how long?
Where did he move to the UK from & are there any particular cultural expectations/differences that would badly clash?
How old was his ex wife & did she come from his home country too, did he meet & marry her after he arrived here or relocate here specifically to marry? Was he ever a Turkish waiter at a hotel that some woman on holiday believed was the love of her life?
Handsome is as handsome does, as the saying goes. It doesn't sound like he has much going for him apart from that. Only having 2 friends wouldn't be a red flag for me but I'm a loner by nature. I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who had many friends & who wanted a social life involving them & me, it's just my way. Would you be happy keeping these relationships separate & spending your time with him in the pub on your own, or feet up in your nice big house with "free" drink on tap? Have you met his local friend & had any chats that throw light on this guy's life generally?
I agree with other PPs, it's entirely possible the 2 others in this flatshare are his GF & DS. It would be a thanks but no thanks from me. Don't go selling yourself short, you're heading into a fabulous time of life so be sure to travel there with someone who enhances & enriches the life you already have.

ElizaDee · 11/09/2019 11:51

Isn't this your 3rd or 4th post about this man?

NeatFreakMama · 11/09/2019 11:57

Nope, I couldn't cope with a grown man with a child who lives in a flat share.

He sounds a bit dodgy so I'd give it a miss, after sleeping with him.

WhenPushComesToShove · 11/09/2019 11:58

@EileenAlanna - I knew someone who fell for a Turkish waiter. She used to pay all expenses for his trips to visit her as he couldn't afford it. Turns out he had a wife and family and many other English tourist girlfriends. She said he was soooo handsome then showed me a picture of a very ordinary looking bloke which left me wondering what all her fuss was about and having to lie enthusiastically about what a nice face he had ... 😳

TamarindCove · 11/09/2019 12:09

So he is a father that sees his child everyday but never has them overnight? If he was that devoted a father then presumably he’d try and sort his living arrangements so that he could have his child overnight or weekends?

I would suspect his flat mates are his partner and child.

Other than being pleasant to look at, it doesn’t sound as if you are compatible. If you enjoy his company see him as a friend, but I wouldn’t date him.

EileenAlanna · 11/09/2019 12:29

@WhenPushComesToShove With the person I knew he was an Egyptian waiter, but it's the same old story, I think there's a thread currently/recently involving a Turkish guy which is probably why Turkey sprang to mind. She spent a fortune, handed him loads of money, tried to get him a visa, she only came to her senses after he beat he to within an inch of her life on one of her many trips over to him.

NotTonightJosepheen · 11/09/2019 12:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PutyourtoponTrevor · 11/09/2019 12:37

Well he can't seem to use a condom so I definitely wouldn't shag him either

WestEndWendie · 11/09/2019 13:15

Agree with @timshelthechoice I'd steer well clear of him

No matter how attractive he looks, I couldn't respect a man with a young child to bring up who lives in such a hovel of a flat share. His poor kid.

Jade74 · 11/09/2019 13:28

Agree with Lonny Vonny Wilson Frickett if someone is trying to hide where they live it s usually good reason and could be that he lives with the mother of the child still. I d insist on seeing it once to find out that it’s the truth . Where did you meet him ?
Also there are financial divides and he could see you as a meal ticket etc

SVRT19674 · 11/09/2019 14:54

I agree with most posters re your not being able to see where he lives, that he flatshares at 39, possibly not good with money (big red flag). But I totally disagree his having a couple good friends as a red flag. It is totally normal. I have a couple, we go back decades, then I know a massive amount of people, but best friends are something different. I distrust people who call just any nobody their friend, doesn't show criteria, and they're usually shallow.

SVRT19674 · 11/09/2019 14:55

Oh, just wanted to add...I also thought partner and child when you couldn't see where he lived...

StoatofDisarray · 11/09/2019 14:57

Nope.

SavageBeauty73 · 11/09/2019 15:01

No way.

Rachelover60 · 11/09/2019 15:04

Just keep it light, op, and enjoy the enjoyable bits. He hasn't done you any harm so far so accept him at face value - for now.

BringMoreCoffee · 11/09/2019 15:05

Me too re partner and child. I briefly thought you could look the flat up on the electoral roll to check but meh, it's easier just not to shag him.

XJerseyGirlX · 11/09/2019 15:29

Only 1 plus point but loads of negatives... come on OP (sorry to sound harsh) but you already know the right answer to this ... never ignore your gut. xx

Bananalanacake · 11/09/2019 15:40

Has he actually said he wants to move in with you or are you assuming that after he saw your place. Try telling him you won't talk about living together for 5 years, see what he says.