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Original poster

Would you date this man?

126 replies

Bluetriangle9 · 11/09/2019 07:53

Would you date this man - in my shoes?

Him:39 (almost 40). Self-employed on a moderate wage, very handsome, friendly. He has only two friends, one 1.5hrs away, one local. He's lived in the UK for 10yrs & he was married for 4yrs but had an affair & got divorced. The affair produced a child 5yo & they broke up within the first year. He maintains he has a good relationship with the ex gf & sees the child daily. He lives in a flatshare with 2 others that I can't ever visit, because 'it's not nice'. Has no hobbies or interests but enjoys a drink at the pub. He is very tactile & huggy & has made his liking for me crystal clear.

Me:49, menopausal, sigh, with a mum-bod to match. Moderately affluent divorcee (married 20yrs) with a large owned home. My dc grown up & left. I don't drink & dislike pubs.

I have some niggle that he saw my home with plenty of space & thought it'd be a great upgrade to his flatshare with plenty of space for his son. I look at him & think he could have a different girlfriend 10yrs younger than him, start life over, have more dc etc. We get along very well but I struggle to find what we have in common. I have a million hobbies/interests/friends. But I do like him - the bit I've seen so far. Trouble is, you only really know someone's truth until you've been with them. I don't want to be used.

So hit me with your worst, what do you think?

OP posts:
OneKeyAtATime · 11/09/2019 10:18

I wouldn't.

aweedropofsancerre · 11/09/2019 10:22

Wouldn’t touch him with a barge poll. You have taken a few years to recover from a divorce. Enjoy your new found mindset and don’t waste yourself on someone who you are already concerned about. We can all get an ego boost from a younger man but it sounds like he has a very poor past history , lives in a flat share ‘allegedly’, that your not allowed to visit.... he is either lying about his living conditions and /or he has seen your a well off lady with a house and is looking to charm you and then move in.... wouldn’t waste my time with him

michaelbaubles · 11/09/2019 10:24

Well I wouldn't date a guy with a 5yo when my kids had grown and left unless I desperately wanted to go there again. In your shoes I'd look for someone without kids or with adult kids who didn't want any more and who wanted to travel, date, go out and have fun!

jessycake · 11/09/2019 10:27

Nope

TheBatsHaveLeftTheBellTower · 11/09/2019 10:31

I've read a lot of threads recently where a man is described as "very handsome" or "incredibly good looking" but then the description goes on to illustrate a man who is entirely and wholly incompatible with the OP.

Looks are irrelevant! That's just a quirk of genetics. It means nothing. It's like that FB post I keep seeing that states: If you're pretty, you're pretty. But the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it's just "congratulations about your face" So, to this man you have met, congratulations on his face. But that is all!

It's the other stuff that should get top billing - the stuff that makes them incompatible.

At the very least, do you want to be with someone who has no interests other than sitting in the pub drinking? That's the bit that stands out above all else for me. I'd want someone who was interesting and dynamic. I know people whose social lives and interests revolve around going to the pub and, literally, all they have going on in their lives are the dramas that revolve around the pub and the people who go to the pubs. People whose lives are heavily intertwined because there is literally nothing else going on in them.

It's boring as fuck.

Shag him if you like but no more.

Chocolate123 · 11/09/2019 10:31

A guy I dated that was in a flatshare that I could never visit was actually still married and living with his wife and kids. I felt sick when I found out. Definitely dig more into his living arrangements

CIareIsland · 11/09/2019 10:43

What did he do with the 10 years of adulthood before he came to the UK?

Do you want your life dictated by the ins and outs of managing someone else’s teenage when you are in your 60’s? You might have a 2nd teenager in him even.

What’s in the flat? Alcoholic squalor?

I assume he doesn’t take his young child there? What sort of responsible parent chooses this environment for their child? Or is it deliberate so that he “can’t have her overnight” - which frees him up to do whatever he likes.

I would not waste time dating. It will get messy.

CIareIsland · 11/09/2019 10:44

Why can’t his room be clean? Why can’t he spend an hour cleaning the toilet and kitchen for an hour before visitors?

Peterpiperpickedwrongagain · 11/09/2019 10:46

he saw my home with plenty of space & thought it'd be a great upgrade to his flatshare with plenty of space for his son.

This was my first thought.

GilbertMarkham · 11/09/2019 10:46

Not even Fwb/casual - you know you'll catch feelings. In the words of Sigourney Weaver's character in Heart breakers; screwing leads to feelings leads to screwed.

OmniversalsTapdancingTadpole · 11/09/2019 10:53

You and he sound diametrically opposed,

So no, i would not bother, even for a fwb scenario.

WhenPushComesToShove · 11/09/2019 10:59

Haven't read the whole thread but the fact that you are even asking answers your own question. For my money he sounds very dodgy. Bet there's a wife and child in his 'flat share'

SistersOfMerci · 11/09/2019 11:05

God no.

He's a cheat.
He has a young child and there's no way I'd be going in to that in my 50's.
He lives in a flatshare.

Would not go near him with a barge pole.

The thing I found after turning 50 was that I decided I was no longer putting up with bullshit.

A88ie1 · 11/09/2019 11:07

Nope

Might be worth a lay though. At best. Keep his as the side piece seeing as he likes them so much. lol

A88ie1 · 11/09/2019 11:08

Keep him as a side piece I mean

GilbertMarkham · 11/09/2019 11:08

It also takes a special kind of stupid/irresponsible to not only cheat on your wife, but knock up the other woman too.

StressyDressyHeels · 11/09/2019 11:11

He’s got nothing going for him really, has he? With the greatest of respect I suspect you’re just flattered.

He’ll move in with you and benefit from the lifestyle upgrade and you’ll end up cleaning up after him.

championquartz · 11/09/2019 11:12

Date: no
Shag: no
Marry: NO!

Too many concerns. But if at this stage you feel you have v little in common, I would leave it. There needs to be some commonality.
I would also be concerned he's keeping interest for 'the money'.
I would also hate the fact that where he lives is too grim for you to visit. Can he not clean? Why is it so grim? Or (sorry OP) I would wonder if this is an affair for him.

No.

PleaseHelpM3 · 11/09/2019 11:15

What is a cocklodger? Scared to Google...

Gemma1971 · 11/09/2019 11:15

Love what Batshaveleftthebelltower wrote!!

There was a recentish post with a similar situation to this, the guy lived within walking distance of the poster, but would not let her come to his home, which seemed really odd. Personally I keep new people at arms length until I have a better idea of them, so I won't even have new friends to my home until I know them fairly well - and this has actually served me well, as some people have proven themselves to be untrustworthy quite early on... but I digress..... eventually.... you visit the other person's place...

Right now my house is a pigsty as I have not been well and work and personal stuff has overwhelmed me, so no way would I have someone back to my place in its current state. But I would say that to them and let them know that I would want it all clean, tidy and nice for them to visit. I would not just say... oh, you can't come to my place because it's a pigsty.. meaning NEVER.

Huuuuuuuuuuge red flag I think. On top of the cheater stuff, which is massive no go.

QueSera · 11/09/2019 11:16

Sexy fun times, but not a relationship.

CIareIsland · 11/09/2019 11:17

Why waste even precious headspace on this looser. So much will come out of the woodwork. Time is precious, keep your dignity and find someone worthy of you.

Gemma1971 · 11/09/2019 11:19

I just had a thought.... if he has not been in the UK all that long, it is quite possible he lives in one of those horrendous places where a criminal landlord has split a house for 3/4 people into "rooms" for 20 or something illegal like that.. and it really could be horrible. Maybe he doesn't live with 2 other guys at all.

But the other stuff overrides all that anyway.

HasThisSoddingNameGoneToo · 11/09/2019 11:20

So his plus point is that he’s handsome.

Everything else is a minus.

He sounds like trouble. You’ve done so well getting to where you are now. Please don’t ket someone else mess it all up for you just because they’ve got a symmetrical bone structure.

BringMoreCoffee · 11/09/2019 11:20

No. The combination that he's cheated before AND now he won't let you into his space ever adds up to a red flag for me.

Also, he sees his child daily but you're never allowed in his disgusting home... there's something a bit off about that. Does his child never see the flat either, and if so, how does that work? I don't think I'd trust him.