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Original poster

Would you date this man?

126 replies

Bluetriangle9 · 11/09/2019 07:53

Would you date this man - in my shoes?

Him:39 (almost 40). Self-employed on a moderate wage, very handsome, friendly. He has only two friends, one 1.5hrs away, one local. He's lived in the UK for 10yrs & he was married for 4yrs but had an affair & got divorced. The affair produced a child 5yo & they broke up within the first year. He maintains he has a good relationship with the ex gf & sees the child daily. He lives in a flatshare with 2 others that I can't ever visit, because 'it's not nice'. Has no hobbies or interests but enjoys a drink at the pub. He is very tactile & huggy & has made his liking for me crystal clear.

Me:49, menopausal, sigh, with a mum-bod to match. Moderately affluent divorcee (married 20yrs) with a large owned home. My dc grown up & left. I don't drink & dislike pubs.

I have some niggle that he saw my home with plenty of space & thought it'd be a great upgrade to his flatshare with plenty of space for his son. I look at him & think he could have a different girlfriend 10yrs younger than him, start life over, have more dc etc. We get along very well but I struggle to find what we have in common. I have a million hobbies/interests/friends. But I do like him - the bit I've seen so far. Trouble is, you only really know someone's truth until you've been with them. I don't want to be used.

So hit me with your worst, what do you think?

OP posts:
FancyAPint · 11/09/2019 08:53

Not a chance

MarieG10 · 11/09/2019 08:54

Aside from plenty of red flags including having an affair and living with two other clones at his age, all your description of him amounts to is a budding cocklodger.

Don't even date him as he will worm his way in

NcHere · 11/09/2019 08:55

Anna, I only have 1 friend. Curious to know why that's a red flag?

Athrawes · 11/09/2019 08:59

No problem dating him, just for fun. Things can just be fun. But don't go getting all gooey and attached and expecting anything. Just have a bit of fun and if it's not fun, stop. That's what dating is. Finding out about someone

Sarcelle · 11/09/2019 09:01

I only have a couple of friends. I am nice, not odd, totally normal. Not sure why that's a red flag.

But all the other stuff, I would be cynical. Protect yourself and your interests. You are a successful woman, you are the catch, he isn't just because he is 10 years younger. Trust your instincts.

TheStuffedPenguin · 11/09/2019 09:04

Don't even shag him as that will only give you the "feels" and then you will lose all your common sense . Go for a man who is more "equal" to you - there's a thread going on here currently about that . In addition my H has teens and it's not joke -a 5 year old ? At 50 ? No way !

WitsEnding · 11/09/2019 09:05

No way. Not even a shag.

Sarah898o · 11/09/2019 09:09

Nice comments about flat shares 👍

I live in a share in my 30s and I work fucking hard, saving every penny working full time and doing a uni course.

And how many times have you posted? Don’t date him, the flat thing isn’t the issue, the secretive nature is.

Sarah898o · 11/09/2019 09:10

Yeah and the friends comment. Because no dick heads have lots of friends.

TowelNumber42 · 11/09/2019 09:15

Not a chance. No way.

Well, if I thought he were going to be brilliant in bed then I might have sex with him as FWB. Not in my house though. He would not be invited there to make it clear he will never be moving in. Hotels. Paid 50:50. If I were gagging for some good sex.

But on balance, probably nope. Not worth it.

Gemma1971 · 11/09/2019 09:15

No. This: "He's lived in the UK for 10yrs & he was married for 4yrs but had an affair & got divorced. The affair produced a child 5yo & they broke up within the first year. He maintains he has a good relationship with the ex gf & sees the child daily."

He had an affair.

Cheating is horrible. He clearly has a poor attitude to commitment, morals and boundaries. Then not only does he cheat and his short marriage is over, but he can't even stick at the next "relationship", albeit the one he cheated on his wife for.... and there is a child too... just yuk. What a mess. In my experience, men like this are incapable of keeping their dick in their pants and always looking for greener grass.

He could well also be a cocklodger looking for a nicer place to live and thinks bingo with you, he's won the prize. Sex eventually and then maybe slowly move himself in.

His living situation is super odd. Not the flat sharing per se, but the fact he can't get it cleaned up to have you there?? How bad can it be? A dirty kitchen and bathroom, if truly bad, would not take more than a weekend to clean. Probably he is lying to you about all that and/or has obnoxious cheater type flatmates and/or a girlfriend and/or his flatmates would tell you what he really is....

Unless he is so utterly irresistible that you must sleep with him, but then it might be good and you want more and before you know it, a cheating cocklodger is in your home and you can't get him out.

He has told you who he is. You just need to listen.

Ariela · 11/09/2019 09:25

Why can't you visit his 'flat share'

I instantly thought 'is that flat share as in living with his 'ex' and child?

BrightonRox · 11/09/2019 09:31

Ugh, no. I'd leave that one well alone or just use him for some sex as others have suggested. Not relationship material at all by the sounds of it, sorry.

Yoyoyo912 · 11/09/2019 09:31

Nope. Cheat, young child (when yours are grown), flat share you can’t visit, no hobbies, opposite to you. He sees you as a meal ticket.

Nice big house for him and his 5 year old. No no no.

Maybe a shag if you can separate your feelings.

Nonmerci · 11/09/2019 09:40

He cheated on his wife and his affair produced a child. He now won’t let you meet his friends or see his flat and you don’t find this suspicious? I suspect he is still with his girlfriend and you’re being duped as his wife was.

I wouldn’t date this man, not at all.

Cath2907 · 11/09/2019 09:44

The friends thing doesn't seem like a big red flag to me. I don't have many people I'd consider friends. I am generally pretty personable and get on fine with colleagues but I also very much like my own company so tend to make time only for a small number of people who are very precious to me. I also see family a LOT!

Flat share -does he live there because he gives all his disposable income to his ex to care for his kid? Would that change your opinion?

Hobbies? I have had over the years but currently I work, walk the dog, cook, clean and occasionally have time to read a book!

I'd give it a little bit of time and see how it goes..

PicsInRed · 11/09/2019 09:50

Cocklodger.

Google that "handsome felon" guy.

Like him.

AnnaNimmity · 11/09/2019 09:54

a red flag isn't necessarily something that stops you dating someone - it's a pointer that you need to be wary. It's up to everyone how many red flags they tolerate.

I went out with a man with no friends. He turned out to be a raging psychopath. (he'd also cheated on his wife so I managed to ignore that red flag too although he didn't tell me about that to start with). So for me, this is now a red flag and I'd be wary dating a man of that age that has no friends. We're all different though.

Zaphodsotherhead · 11/09/2019 09:56

Friends thing wouldn't be a problem, but the disgusting flat share (why can he not clean up just for you to visit? Is that 'women's work?' Only needs to clean his bedroom and maybe the bathroom...) would be. Why is he happy to live somewhere 'disgusting'? Are his standards perhaps a bit low because he prefers to go out drinking?

The big no no for me would be no interests. Really, none? Can he hold a conversation? Or does he just talk about himself...?

CIareIsland · 11/09/2019 10:02

How is his drinking?

RJoneszy · 11/09/2019 10:09

He has been in he uk for 10 years? Does he have a passport here ?

BogglesGoggles · 11/09/2019 10:13

Hell no. I wouldn’t touch a man like that with a barge pole. Literally the only thing he has going for him is his looks. Even then he isn’t good enough for a casual shag (might have stopped if I was desperate and he wasn’t a cheater), he is most definitely not dating material.

f83mx · 11/09/2019 10:16

BrightonRox

Ugh, no. I'd leave that one well alone or just use him for some sex

“Use him for sex” ... grim ... if you like him then see how it goes ...if any of the flags become more obvious then end it at that point. He’s been honest about the cheating.... doesn’t make it any better but he’s not putting up a fake persona on that point. Make sure dates aren’t all at your place etc... I’d want to see his flat at some point though.

Otterhound · 11/09/2019 10:18

You wont really know his intentions until he asks if he can move in.
But which time it might be too late. I’d proceed with caution.

gorrisandhorace · 11/09/2019 10:18

It’s a no from me