When to tell toxic PIL they aren't welcome at the hospital

[Soon2BeMumof3]

After advice about a ‘grey rock’ way to let PIL know they aren’t going to see our newborn right away.

I’m LC and grey rock with my PIL who are verbally and emotionally abusive to myself and DH. DH wants to keep some kind of relationship with them as a means of buying time for them to realise how harmful their behaviour is and change. I am less optimistic but trying to support DH.

I am due to give birth soon. DH told PIL I am pregnant but gave a false due date.

I don’t want them in the hospital, or around me in the first few weeks. They have form for ruining special occasions by throwing big tantrums and making outlandish threats. I don’t want DH distracted and upset by their hurtful behaviour when we should be recovering and welcoming our new baby.

DH thinks we have to call them on the day of the birth to tell them. I know this will result in them demanding to see the baby immediately. They live 10 minutes away. We will then get to choose between suffering a scene in the hospital or a huge tantrum about them being shut out.

I think it would be better to tell them ahead of time that we won’t be having them to visit. This way they can get their tantrum out of the way now, rather than when the baby is born and emotions are heightened all around.

I am planning to email PIL explaining that unfortunately I wont feel comfortable having them to visit during the early days and that we will let them know when we are ready to introduce them to the new baby.

DH thinks that this email will be incredibly insulting and inflammatory to them. He wants to leave it until the baby is born and then just say the baby is early and deal with whatever they choose to do then.

I realise this would be an upsetting email for them to receive, they are very sensitive to anything they perceive as an insult or rejection (and this is actual rejection, as opposed to the imagined insults and rejections they are usually upset about). I am also struggling to choose the words that communicate this upsetting information while maintaining my bland, neutral grey rock approach which has been a sanity saver for me.

I’ve name changed for this but have received great advice from this forum before. Any advice, ideas, suggestions about suggested wording or how to manage toxic people in general would be amazing.

Tbh I think an email is a terrible idea. Gives them even more scope to cause a fuss when the baby is here. It's about the least grey rock thing you can do - that's why you're struggling with the wording.

I would be agreeing with dh that they don't get told the day of the birth, they get told whenever you feel comfortable telling them (after). If he or they get upset about it you can remind them it's due to events at x y z special occasion.

The problem is, it sounds like you are your DH are on a different page. He also sounds scared and intimidated by them.

It will be incredibly difficult to maintain low contact with them after the baby is here, it's going to massively change things and you may not be able to grey rock them anymore.

Your DH clearly finds it hard to stand up to them and before you know it, he will be taking the baby over to their house without you. They will likely start demanding time with the baby. What will your DH do then?

If they're really this toxic then do you want them to be involved full stop? If you do, then you and DH need to agree and have a united front, otherwise this is going to cause major problems.

If you send that email it's going to cause a lot of bad blood, if you think that you can maintain LC and are happy for your husband to take the baby to them, then I would just tell them once you've given birth.

@Jennifer2r sorry I might not have been clear DH wants to call them and tell them the day the baby is born.

I would rather us not tell anyone the baby has been born until I am home. But DH thinks they will never forgive us if we don't tell them immediately.

If I'm remembering your other posts is this the mil who caused havoc at the hospital at your dcs birth? Snuck past. Tried to hold baby before you? (Massive apologies if I've got this wrong)

I wouldn't send the email. I wouldn't tell them when the baby is born. Tell them when you're ready, back at home and able to deal with whatever happens. They're going to kick off whatever.

I think the bigger thing is the fact that you and your dh have differing views on how to deal with them. Does he appreciate what a nightmare they have been in the past and how likely they are to ruin (another) birth? What's his view on that?

No don't tell them the day the baby is born, fuck them! (But don't send that email)

Your DH is not helping matters at all

Yes I understand that. That was clear. But even if you send an inflammatory email, if he tells them on the day of the birth, they'll still cause a huge fuss, they'll just also have your email as 'ammunition'.

as a means of buying time for them to realise how harmful their behaviour is and change
Oh dear OP. They will NEVER change. He has to realise this by now surely? Has he done some reading on toxic parents? Has he been on line and googled FOG – Fear Obligation Guilt?

DH thinks we have to call them on the day of the birth to tell them
You do not HAVE to do anything. He is still trying to please his parents. He needs to stop this immediately. Do NOT tell them anything.

I think it would be better to tell them ahead of time that we won’t be having them to visit
Again – Nope – they do not get any communication at all about this. They will ruin this for you otherwise.

Once baby is here and you’ve had a settling in period and some time to get into a good routine at home, and only then if you want to, do you tell them that they can visit.

He really needs to start putting you and your DC first now. No more people pleasing with is parents.
You may decide as they are too toxic for you and your DH that they are too toxic for your DC. Which would be a good conclusion to come to.

I will re-iterate! DO NOT TELL them anything until YOU are good and ready.
They have not earned the right to any information regarding YOUR DC!

We have two children already. DH and I agree that PIL can no longer see DC unless I am present.

This is because PIL have had intense emotional outbursts in front of DC before.

We currently see them about every two months, only in public, with a third party such as one of DH's cousins present. If all they do is silk and scowl at us we consider the visit a success.

We previously tried DH going over with the children alone but they use the time to criticise me on a loop, and the children are getting old enough to understand now. DH is always scared of making the relationship worse and is unable to walk away or hang up when they carry on. When I am there I am able to say 'enough' and remove my family, so that's the rule now.

Why is your DH so scared of his parents , he really needs to get tough.

Do not tell them when you go to hospital, insist that your DH does not tell them, make sure there is nothing on social media and then when you get home, DH can tell them, and parents can visit (you can have a long bath they arrive) or better still he takes the baby for a short visit to his parents.
Longer term maybe your DH needs counselling to allow him to detach from his parents.

@RunningOutOfCharacte that wasn't me but it sounds like my PIL are cut from the same cloth.

They threw a big tantrum when our last child was born. They flair up whenever they aren't the centre of attention. It was incredibly upsetting and stressful.

Your DH needs some counselling to sort this out.
He cannot keep trying to please his parents.
It will never work.
He needs to understand that they are toxic and be able to walk away.
He won't be able to do this without some profession help.
Basically, HE is enabling their behaviour.

Why is your DH so frightened of them? Why is more worried about upsetting his parents than upsetting his wife, it must be deeply unsexy to be married to someone who lives in fear of his parents. Am amazed you are willing to have another child in these circumstances.

email before is a bad idea - will just cause you stress.
tbh I woukd do an announcement a few hours/a day after birth to all family. and then keep up with the grey rock should they start to make trouble.

I wouldn't E-mail. They will hound you and DH all through your pregnancy and make it hell ( probably causing trouble between you and DH when emotions are heightened and you aren't feeling your best).
As due date approaches I'd tell them you will contact them when you are up for a visit to meet baby so not to visit at the hospital as you may not be up to visitors and if they arrive they will be asked by staff to leave.( And you wouldn't want that)
If your DH wants to tell them on the day then really, as a proud dad who is hoping his parents change their ways then thats natural.
Don't let them drive a wedge between you.

Just tell your husband that you and the children are going NC and he can do as he pleases - end of problem .

DH is having counselling in relation to his parents, but he was raised by these controlling and narcissistic people, and that takes time to unravel. He's made a lot of progress, but he's not ready to give up on them. It's heartbreaking because I feel like it's inevitable. These people don't have healthy relationships with anyone. But he's trying.

Don't send the email. It will be shown to all and sundry (seriously, putting things down in any permanent form is ALWAYS going to cause more trouble than the spoken word) and will be misinterpreted by everyone who reads it. You'll become the bad guy for as long as that email exists.

Tell them when you come home. It's not as though you'll be in hospital that long. And it's far easier to justify a decision that they will assume that you made on the spot, than one that's clearly been made with foresight and personal intent.

If you don't tell anyone until you're home, they can't take it personally.

No real idea, but am in a similar situation.

NC sibling thinks they should be my birth partner. They're a narc (or poss HPD) and a bully, so that's not going to happen. Luckily they won't know which hospital I'm giving birht in (100 miles apart!) so no chance of them just turning up there.

They will want to come to mine once the baby's here, though, which I do not want. Their partner's already offered to come and help for a week, but we don't need help and wouldn't want them around anyway. I'm going to tell them we'll come down to near them a few weeks after, but they won't like that at all. Sibling will bully mother, who'll tell me I have to behave and let them come. Over my dead body.

I don't know whether to tell them now, months before, and give them time to wear me down, or tell them nearer the time when they've potentially booked time off and hotels etc.

You don't have a PIL problem, you have a DH problem.

Until he listens to you and not them, nothing will change.

I think an email would only make a bad situation worse.

Why don't you compromise with your dh. You don't send the email and dh doesn't tell his parents about the birth until you're at home?

I don’t think you need to tell them anything until you’re ready. You can wait until you’re home and then invite them on a certain day at a certain time to meet baby. Invite someone else shortly afterwards so they can’t stay too long or just tell DH that after 90mins he is to stand up, say how lovely it was to show baby off but that everyone’s is tired now and you will see them again soon. He can help them up, hand coats or whatever as he says this to make it clear they must leave!
Alternatively, your DH can send a picture with a message that baby has been born and that you will be in touch again when s/he is ready to meet people. Then phone off, away and forget about them until you’re ready.

@saraclara I definitely take your point about putting things in writing.

@Soon2BeMumof3, is the false date you've given them a few weeks after the actual due date?
If so, why not just put off telling them until then anyway, even if you still then explain it by saying he/she came early, but that you had a tiring time and wasn't up to visits until now.

I think if you email them in advance all you’ll get is a massive tantrum now plus another tantrum when the baby is born.

Ultimately your DH needs to be on board. Either:
A) agree to tell them after the birth and have them visit the day you tell them (with anger and stropping)
Or B) tell them when the baby is born and tell them they can visit in a week’s time but not before (with anger, stropping and the possibility they’ll turn up anyway)