When to tell toxic PIL they aren't welcome at the hospital

[Soon2BeMumof3]

After advice about a ‘grey rock’ way to let PIL know they aren’t going to see our newborn right away.

I’m LC and grey rock with my PIL who are verbally and emotionally abusive to myself and DH. DH wants to keep some kind of relationship with them as a means of buying time for them to realise how harmful their behaviour is and change. I am less optimistic but trying to support DH.

I am due to give birth soon. DH told PIL I am pregnant but gave a false due date.

I don’t want them in the hospital, or around me in the first few weeks. They have form for ruining special occasions by throwing big tantrums and making outlandish threats. I don’t want DH distracted and upset by their hurtful behaviour when we should be recovering and welcoming our new baby.

DH thinks we have to call them on the day of the birth to tell them. I know this will result in them demanding to see the baby immediately. They live 10 minutes away. We will then get to choose between suffering a scene in the hospital or a huge tantrum about them being shut out.

I think it would be better to tell them ahead of time that we won’t be having them to visit. This way they can get their tantrum out of the way now, rather than when the baby is born and emotions are heightened all around.

I am planning to email PIL explaining that unfortunately I wont feel comfortable having them to visit during the early days and that we will let them know when we are ready to introduce them to the new baby.

DH thinks that this email will be incredibly insulting and inflammatory to them. He wants to leave it until the baby is born and then just say the baby is early and deal with whatever they choose to do then.

I realise this would be an upsetting email for them to receive, they are very sensitive to anything they perceive as an insult or rejection (and this is actual rejection, as opposed to the imagined insults and rejections they are usually upset about). I am also struggling to choose the words that communicate this upsetting information while maintaining my bland, neutral grey rock approach which has been a sanity saver for me.

I’ve name changed for this but have received great advice from this forum before. Any advice, ideas, suggestions about suggested wording or how to manage toxic people in general would be amazing.

Do you have anyone that could act as an intermediary at the time? Might be easier to let someone else deliver the news, so when they do lose their shit, they can do it in their own space and 'hopefully' calm down before you meet them in public with your new baby? It would have to be someone strong that they won't kick off at, and someone who's happy to deal with them.

Good luck!

@AttilaTheMeerkat She said family counselling would only be an option if the abusive behaviour has stopped. So far they haven't stopped.

HI
I didnt have such awful PIL’s but I’m very reclusive, didnt want anyone around as DC came 1 month early and we thought for a time he was ill.
I spent the first month with a note stuck to my front door,
‘Mother and baby resting pls call later.’ I never took it down !
I hope to god they don’t have a key to your house

"@AttilaTheMeerkat She said family counselling would only be an option if the abusive behaviour has stopped. So far they haven't stopped".

And your ILs will not stop; this is who they are and they would have behaved the same regardless of whom your DH went onto marry. Look at the emotional harm they have caused to their son, your DH, not just to say your own family unit. A similar fate could well befall your children if you as their mother do not protect your children from these abusive people. Your H is mired in FOG and cannot protect his own self from his parents, let alone you people as his own family. He still has a long and difficult path ahead of him.