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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do I try and get her back?

33 replies

sallyhoooo · 10/09/2019 10:53

Il try and keep it short and not reveal too much.
I was seeing a lady who had not long been out of a abusive relationship.
She was a friend of a friend and we got on great and were really enjoying each other's company.
Mutual friend didn't like how close we were getting so started to shit stir...saying I was another crazy woman like her ex,and a caused a LOT of drama.
Woman I'm seeing ended it with me saying she couldn't go through the same again.
I stupidly text her some long messages trying to get my point across that this was all because of a jealous friend,it fell on deaf ears and she said that she believed her.
I really like this woman and think we could be great together.
I want to ring her and just chat and even if nothing happens again,I want her to see the truth and that I'm not the person this "friend " painted me to be and that it was jealousy.
Me and this woman still text daily and get on well,and I honestly think she's torn.
Do I try and fix this ?

OP posts:
Original poster
sallyhoooo · 10/09/2019 11:25

Anyone?
Apologies that was long

OP posts:
Raphael34 · 10/09/2019 11:28

Unfortunately she’s made her decision, whether this friend was lying or not, you’ve already text her a number of long messages after she ended it and it hasn’t changed her mind. Anymore after this is pure harassment. I’d obviously drop this ‘friend’ who is spreading lies about you

Original poster
sallyhoooo · 10/09/2019 12:14

We are still texting everyday
She's actually messaging me now,so I'm not like pushing for her to speak to me but we aren't speaking about anything about the friend etc

OP posts:
Original poster
sallyhoooo · 10/09/2019 13:39

Is ringing her a bad idea ?

OP posts:
Mostlyhappy4 · 10/09/2019 13:39

I would just let the friendship develop again if it's going in that direction, through the daily texting. I wouldn't try to give your side of the story again unless you two get close again. She's more likely to listen to you if she is allowed to without being pushed.

Raphael34 · 10/09/2019 13:46

I wouldn’t ring her. Just follow her example. Definitely don’t mention the relationship again. Just be her friend. Maybe at some point she’ll see for herself that she was lied to about you and if she likes you something may develop. It may be that she wasn’t that keen in the first place though.

hellsbellsmelons · 10/09/2019 13:46

Yes it is.
So is texting every day.
You will never get closure like this.
She has chosen to believe the 'friend' which is really all you need to know.
She doesn't believe YOU!

I would probably let it die out and move on to be honest.
You are currently in limbo.
Take back control.
Let her know that you really liked her but texting every day is breaking your heart and you won't get over her unless you go no contact and move on.
Her response to this will tell you all you need to know.
I think you are just an ego boost for her.
If she really liked you then she would have trusted you and not listened to the 'friend'.
She chose not to.
Stop chasing now.

Original poster
sallyhoooo · 10/09/2019 14:18

Her and my friend are plastering all over Facebook all the things they have planned together
Things that I would have been doing if my friend hadn't of done what she did
I'm so hurt
I feel like if we can chat I would be different

OP posts:
Thingsdogetbetter · 10/09/2019 16:30

Have you posted before about 'fwb' doing things with mutual friend without inviting you? Posted several times? If so, you need to let it go ffs.

If not, then I think it's unfair of your ex to basically dump you but still want the level of communication to continue. She is stringing you alone and stopping you healing. So unfortunately you still need to let her go. Cos you're breaking your own heart now.

amiapropermum · 10/09/2019 17:58

I think you're the same poster who has been really anxious about a FWB relationship and your GF doing things without you.

If so I honestly think it's for the best that it's over. You haven't sounded happy. The more you protest the more she'll think you are jealous etc

Original poster
sallyhoooo · 11/09/2019 11:35

It's just very frustrating as I now can't change her opinion.
If people hadn't of interfered then things would have been so different.
I have feelings for her and I can't shake them.

OP posts:
amiapropermum · 11/09/2019 12:38

It is incredibly frustrating when someone gets the wrong end of the stick but you have to let it go. The more you try to convince her otherwise the worse you'll look.

However, your previous posts on here have made you seem a bit overwrought. I don't think this was the right relationship for you. All your worries about what she was doing and why she didn't invite you out with her friends could be seen by her as you being jealous/possessive. That's all aside from the stuff with the mutual friend.

Original poster
sallyhoooo · 11/09/2019 12:46

@amiapropermum I think I let all the stuff with my mutual friend make me paranoid ,when she was out it was with the mutual friend who caused the trouble and that's why I was paranoid about that.
Maybe it's all for the best.

OP posts:
Original poster
sallyhoooo · 11/09/2019 12:48

Do you think her still talking to me is a good sign ?
Or not

OP posts:
amiapropermum · 11/09/2019 12:53

Either way it doesn't sound healthy for you, from this and your previous posts.

I think it's for the best but you need to step back now, just be bright and breezy if you want the chat to continue. Or send a final message to say she got the wrong end of the stick, you'd prefer not to stay in contact because you do have feelings for her and you wish her all the best. Then the ball is in her court.

Perhaps she's not over her ex. Perhaps you need some help to get over her. Either way it wasn't working

Original poster
sallyhoooo · 11/09/2019 12:56

I think I just wanted to say Its a shame she let our friend cloud her judgement but I understand as she's been friends with her for years.
I'm sorry I was asking too many questions and I'm not surprised she thought my friend was being genuine.
Apologise again but state I'm not the person my friend painted and explain that our friend only did what she did to break us up as she was very jealous.

OP posts:
Shefliesonherownwings · 11/09/2019 13:01

To be honest if she is going to change her mind about things she's going to have to make that change on her own. She has made her mind about things and I don't think talking to her would help if she is dead set on her decision. It might make things worse and end the friendship altogether. I would either carry on as you are if you feel you can, or cut ties and hop she comes to the realisation on her own. But be aware that she may not. Sorry OP, it is a horrible situation.

amiapropermum · 11/09/2019 13:03

You can only impact your own actions, OP. I don't think saying it's a shame she let the friend cloud her judgement is a good idea - it sounds petty and like you don't think she can make her own mind up. I don't think you'll get a good response. You have to leave the friend out of it now and let it go.

Original poster
sallyhoooo · 11/09/2019 13:06

The worst thing is this mutual friend is such a snake and I put up with shitty behaviour for so long because ...well I don't know.
I don't want her to get screwed over like I did,she needs to be careful with her.

OP posts:
amiapropermum · 11/09/2019 13:06

You honestly don't seem to have the healthiest approach to relationships, OP. I say that kindly because your distress is clear. I hope you can see how the blame you're putting on the friend might make it seem like the friend is right

Original poster
sallyhoooo · 11/09/2019 13:14

The friend really did behave badly.
After years of friendship,she would rather stop speaking to me just so me and this lady aren't together.

OP posts:
amiapropermum · 11/09/2019 13:18

Everyone has to learn their own lessons, OP. You can't learn from someone else's mistakes.

Even if the friend behaved badly you have to take responsibility for your own behaviour. Also, why would you want to be with someone who thinks that of you, if it isn't true? Let it go. You're wrecking your own head at this stage.

Original poster
sallyhoooo · 11/09/2019 14:45

The woman I've been seeing isn't really normal like the rest of us,she thinks differently and reacts differently to things.
As soon as my friend said what she said she backed off.

OP posts:
crazyhead · 11/09/2019 15:05

The lady you liked has known your old friend for years. To be honest, if she can‘t judge what’s real in what this long-standing friend has claimed about you, her own judgement sounds a bit off to me.

Also - you just don‘t know how this would have gone without your friend stirring. It might not have been the bed of roses of your dreams. You have to be so careful with ‚what ifs‘ - we all do.

Also frankly, when I was in the dating market, what i found attractive was people who had clear boundaries, gave me space, but had their own clear standards of what they‘d accept. I reckon calm dignity will get your the girl in the end, whether or not it is this particular one.

AzraiL · 11/09/2019 15:23

Honestly if she's chosen to believe this friend, then you sending long texts describing this friend as sneaky or jealous is just going to make you look unhinged, needy and desperate.

She's made her choice, and while it may seem unfair, you're going to have to respect it.

Either slowly phase this woman out or let her know in a straight forward way that you can't keep communicating with her. I don't think it's healthy for you, as you'll just keep stewing about it and might end up doing something silly against your better judgement.

Sometimes things just aren't meant to be.

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