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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do you know for sure when it’s over?

27 replies

SomewhereNow · 10/09/2019 07:16

I’ve been seeing him for almost a year, we’re both late 40s, he’s divorced and I’m on the way to being, one older child each.

I was quite hesitant in the beginning, I liked him but was unsure about getting into something too serious. He on the other hand says he fell for me on our first date, asked me to be exclusive after the second and told me he loved me a few months later. He was romantic, generous, great fun, our sex life was good, I found we had loads in common and before long I’d fallen for him too.

A year later that’s all changed. I’m under no illusion that he still loves me but there’s no romance any more. We’re close and he’s still kind and considerate but something is different. Our sex life is also zero although he’s had an injury which is partly (or completely?) to blame for that. It genuinely feels like the old cliche - he loves me but isn’t in love with me.

It’s come out as we’ve got closer that he’s had mental health problems in the past and I feel this is probably the problem - I’m trying very hard not to see it as being about me. But at what point do I say enough is enough? I’m struggling a bit myself, on mild anti-depressants due to the stress or the divorce and some past issues and just life as a single parent, I’m starting to get myself sorted but I’m not sure I’m strong enough to be a shoulder for him too. But there’s so much good in the relationship, if only it could be like it was at the beginning.

I still love him and am in love with him too - he’s the most attractive person I’ve ever been with and I just want to be close to him all the time but he clearly doesn’t feel the same way. Should I hold out and see if things get better or accept they never will and leave?

OP posts:

3luckystars · 10/09/2019 07:18

Here is my test:

Can you imagine them with somebody else, really picture it.

How do you feel?

Secondsight · 10/09/2019 07:34

I think either he's done all the romancing and he has his feet firmly under the table so doesn't have to bother or his mental health issues are affecting how he interacts. Only you know him and it depends how much you can support him.
A years early for things to be like this. Talk to him.
Love is the mad stuff but eventually it's about comittment and whether you want to be with him. Do you live with him?
Maybe this is why his marriage broke down?

Original poster

SomewhereNow · 10/09/2019 08:37

The idea of him with someone else makes me feel sick tbh so that’s a good test!

We don’t live together no. His marriage broke down because his wife cheated but I get that there are always 2 sides to the story and maybe she had reason to look elsewhere.

We do need to talk but he’s not the greatest at opening up.

OP posts:

Secondsight · 10/09/2019 10:13

Yes it's how to word it. I think you have to say you've noticed a change and how is he feeling about things and that you are concerned, is it to do with us?
At the moment you don't know and that's no good. You can't be left wondering. He maybe feeling low and think he's doing a good job at hiding it but as youll be the closest too him you can pick up on the nuances. He could be having doubts about the relationship, he may think it's OK to be like this as he has you now. Good luck.

Zaphodsotherhead · 10/09/2019 11:05

Imagine the next ten years of things staying the same. Does it make you feel all 'awwww...' and snuggly or do you want to run far and fast?

The dying off of the sex life would be a huge red flag for me. Did he ever seem really 'into' it, or more like someone doing what they thought was necessary to hook a partner? Same with the romantic gestures and affection - does he seem to have shrugged all that off now he doesn't 'need to bother'? Or does it feel more like he's just lacking the energy to carry things out (does he still plan nice things that just don't come off, because that could be depression/other MH issues?)

Secondsight · 10/09/2019 11:57

When did he have the injury?

Original poster

SomewhereNow · 10/09/2019 15:04

The thought of being with him as a person in 10 years makes me happy, the thought that it might never be like it was makes me sad. He was just amazing in the beginning but it's impossible to say whether he’s just got complacent or if it’s his issues and injury (which happened about 5 months ago) that are causing him to be different.

OP posts:

Original poster

SomewhereNow · 10/09/2019 15:17

Tbh I’m 99% certain he’s depressed - he has no energy (although a demanding job), makes plans but doesn’t often follow them through and is not good at looking after himself.

OP posts:

milliefiori · 10/09/2019 15:20

Imagine you have a year to live. How do you want to spend that year? Will being with him improve that year or drain it?

Original poster

SomewhereNow · 11/09/2019 06:16

God that’s a hard one - I’d want him to be part of my life but drain is quite an apt word...

OP posts:

category12 · 11/09/2019 06:30

With his mental health, does he recognise there's a problem? Is he pursuing treatment?

With the injury, will he recover or are you looking at limited sex life permanently?

I'd be concerned that the initial love-bombing etc was to get you, and he's now complacent and this is who he is.

If he's not willing to seek treatment and follow through with it for his mh issues, I would bail.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 11/09/2019 06:34

Is it possible he was on the rebound when he met you after an upsetting divorce? You say he fell for you 'on the first date' but that's not real - it's just infatuation at that stage - he didn't know you at all and while there might have been an attraction he may have built it into something in his head that he didn't genuinely feel.

In other words he may have been projecting an ideal of what he wanted/ needed onto you - this new person he'd just met because a year is very early for it the romance to go.

This isn't working for you - I'd be having serious conversations saying just that. : "This isn't working for me/ you don't seem happy/ think it's time to cut lose" "I need more than this" - see his reaction.
Don't settle for less than you deserve - you'll regret it believe me. Time will go on and your lives will become more entwined and it will become much harder to break free if you're unhappy.

Secondsight · 11/09/2019 10:17

Do you think also you have a habit of attracted the kind of person that needs alot of care? You end up putting alot more in?

Original poster

SomewhereNow · 11/09/2019 20:43

I don’t know if he was on the rebound but I agree he couldn’t have fallen for me that quickly. I think he thought he had because that was what he wanted but I don’t know what has changed since.

I do tend to end up with men that need a bit of looking out for and while I don’t mind doing that there doesn’t seem to be much in it for me sometimes 🙄

OP posts:

Secondsight · 11/09/2019 23:58

Lots of people fall for others quickly my DH did and it lasted 18 yrs so I don't necessarily think this is an indication of things to come. How has he been lately?

sunlightsparkling · 12/09/2019 13:08

OP you said you realised that you had loads in common and you fell for him - what did you have in common and do you still have those things in common?

Original poster

SomewhereNow · 12/09/2019 19:29

He’s actually opened up to me today a little bit, think it may be his injury that has been causing him to act differently.

We do still have lots in common - shared interests, taste in music, similar background and values.

OP posts:

sunlightsparkling · 12/09/2019 21:37

With the shared interests, are these not things you can still do together and have fun with?

Taste in music - do you go to concerts together?

I think at this stage you should both be happy and having fun and finding ways to enjoy each other even if full on sex isn't possible. If that isn't happening, what do you think keeps you persevering with it, do you think?

Original poster

SomewhereNow · 13/09/2019 05:33

We used to go and see bands a lot but not for a while, I’m not sure why.

I guess I’m hanging in there because I love him and I know how good it can be.

OP posts:

user764329056 · 13/09/2019 05:38

Don’t hold onto what ifs OP, he isn’t the same as he was during the good times you had, he’s changed and the person he was may never come back, you can only really go forward with the person he is now

Monty27 · 13/09/2019 05:41

He wanted you and now he has you. But no longer happy.
Next!

sunlightsparkling · 13/09/2019 14:38

I am not sure OP. He seems really unhappy, and things just don't seem as they should but it is difficult to read between the lines and possibly there are things which seem good to you in real life which gives you hope.

How did you get together? When he said he fell for you after first date I am guessing it seemed magical to him - can you re enact that (without it being weird) to see if you can rekindle anything?

sunlightsparkling · 16/09/2019 12:17

@SomewhereNow So how is it going - did you go on a date? Did the sparkle come back?

Original poster

SomewhereNow · 16/09/2019 19:44

Thanks for asking and sorry not to respond to your previous question - we met online. The weekend was better - we went out on Friday night and talked a bit, I think I’d underestimated how much this injury has affected him. He wasn’t quite his old self but he did make it very clear he sees me as part of his future and he suggested some things he wants us to do which is more positive. I think I have to take it day by day for now but it does feel like there’s hope of us working things out and I definitely don’t feel ready to give up on him just yet. Thanks again for being interested in my middle aged love life 😂

OP posts:

sunshinesparkling · 16/09/2019 21:02

But you said he isn't in love with you? You think he is, now?

As for the thanks for being interested, I will confess that I usually understand what is going on and can read between lines, but with your threads I can't. Or at least, I think I can but I am not certain hence all the questions. I thought you had posted a new thread today, about it all. I wondered if it was you. What I will say is that he sounds very, very unhappy, and very confused, and it might be worth encouraging him to get counselling.

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