Has my Husband used me? Help!

[Hammers1987]

So,
Two weeks ago yesterday my Husband went to work as usual for the evening shift in a bar he runs. I woke startled Sunday morning to discover he had not come home. His mobile phone was switched off. Upon calling around worried I discovered that DH was in fact drinking and not working, and had gone off to play football that morning. By the time he got in touch it was 1.30pm. I had not heard from him in nearly twenty four hours and all he said was “sorry my phone died”. I was understandably angry. Following this DH disappeared. Didn’t come home and didn’t speak to me for four days. Ignored messages from the kids. Didn’t put money in the bank to cover rent a food.
We spoke on the Friday all day, managed to clear the air and he video called me late that night where we had phone sex. However, the next day he was back to ignoring me and said we were over.
Upon DH return from his parents where he was staying, he refused to speak to me. Refused to speak and sort our marriage out. But refused to sort out rent, bills, the bank, and all of responsibilities too. He left me to borrow money to buy food for our three teenage children. On Friday morning we agreed to meet at the bank. We sorted our account out and paid money in to cover bills. After he asked if he could come home and see the kids and our dogs. We sat and had a tea. Made small talk. And he asked if he had clean socks upstairs. As he went upstairs he made a big deal of saying that he wasn’t packing any of his clothes. When he left for work i was a bit emotional. It has been nearly two weeks since I had seen him and the longest we had been apart in five years.
We spent all afternoon and evening messaging, and he came round about 10pm. We had a talk. He said he loved me, missed me, found it really hard being apart. He wanted our marriage and wouldn’t leave again. He promised. We had sex, good sex, and slept holding each other.
The following morning we laid in bed having a cuddle and a chat. Spent the afternoon together and everything seemed fine. When my DH left for work he said he’d see me in the morning. Gave me a kiss. Said I love you and left. Well. I woke up again and he wasn’t there. He sent me a blunt text at 1.30am saying he was drinking with a football mate and staying there to leave for football in the morning. He did it again! When he finally messaged I asked if he was home later to which he said “I don’t think so. I am not sure what we should do for the best to be honest”. Followed by a please don’t be upset!
He didn’t come home, and stayed out drinking all day yesterday. Refused to speak to me. And today has said we were over two weeks ago!
I really don’t understand where he is coming from and why he is doing this. He won’t answer me what Friday was all about. He won’t discuss why he did that. He won’t talk to me. He won’t sort any of our responsibilities out either. It’s like he punishes me for his own behaviour. He has been drinking a lot over the last year. Only had nine alcohol free days this year. Drinks everyday. Regularly binge drinks. I honestly don’t know why he treats me like this. I am devastated. Five years of marriage. Our anniversary Wednesday. What do a I do? Now do I deal with this?

I'm so sorry that your kids are taking out their pain and bewilderment on you, OP. It's not really that they think he's right and you're to blame, it's actually that you are the parent they know they can rely upon to love them whatever happens, and that you will never walk out on them (as he has done).

Living with an alcoholic is very frightening and destabilising - all of his walking out and coming back, drinking, arguing, name calling, etc will have affected them (don't kid yourself that they never knew about it, or that you managed to keep it from them. Ask anyone who grew up in a similar situation). So to protect themselves from the pain they may well have "normalised" it, ie: daddy is fine, it's not a big deal, he must be justified in behaving like this. And so when his behaviour gets frightening, the obvious person to blame is you - it's unfair, but you are the sane, reliable one. If they ever blamed him for anything, they are scared that he would leave and it would be their fault this time.

Don't beg your children to understand, forgive you or support you. They will do this in time, but right now, they are scared and vulnerable, and need you to protect them, not the other way around.

Change his name on your phone to This Man Abuses Me or Abusive Alcoholic. Call his mum, if they won't take the dog bag tell them you will take it to a shelter.

Well you have started @Hammers1987
Good for you !
Keep going.

Does it matter if a friend tells her partner? Keeping this a secret is not helping you. Or maybe contact one of the friends you have lost due to him, they will be relieved you are waking up to him. Could you speak to your dc school too, they can refer to food-banks, advise on fsm, support etc.

@LIZS - It does matter, only because words get twisted. The last time I spoke to her, by the time she told her partner and he in turn spoke to my DH about his behaviour, everything had been twisted and exaggerated. DH messaged me and went mad. Called me all sorts.
I did reach out to an old friend. She messages here and there to see how I am doing. Everyone is busy with their own lives. I think the situation is a lot for anyone to listen to. It is hard enough living and trying to understand it.
I have contacted Schools so the children have support in place. I do also see a Counsellor weekly.
I honestly do feel alone. He was my whole support network. I do feel so lost and empty. I did manage six hours sleep last night which is an improvement, but still woke up startled like I did when he didn’t come home. I feel like everyday is Groundhog Day.
I am going to walk into town today, I haven’t left the house in two days. I will call Women’s Aid also. I know I need to start rebuilding my life, I just don’t know where to start. I don’t even know what normal is anymore!

This sounds so awful for you. You don’t deserve it.
You need advice, particularly on finances as by leaving things the way they are, you will end up in debt and it could spiral out of control.
See what benefits you are entitled to. You shouldn’t be made to suffer because of his issues.
I don’t know if you could call the council and explain he has left you and lives at his mums, despite refusing to remove his name from the tenancy? Perhaps they will realise then you need help with the rent and also put a note on your account stating you are trying to sort the situation and will be in touch soon.
I wouldn’t bother with him for now. I know it’s hard but let him do his own thing. He only seems to think of going home when he wants sex and because you love him and want him back, he gets it.
If he thinks you are uninterested, he will soon be in touch, but I have to say, it sounds like your relationship has come to its natural end.
Can you cancel his phone contract and maybe take the dog to his family somehow if he doesn’t collect it? Why should you be paying to look after it?
He has no respect for his family or himself and he will only hurt you more and more. It doesn’t sound like he is ready to get help yet.

Wow. He disappeared and left for four days and managed to get you to have phone sex after an apology? You've just given him carte blanche to do that again. I know it's hard but come on girl!

It is really hard and I do feel stupid for allowing him to manipulate me the way he as. Both on the phone and coming home at the weekend.
What I am struggling with is how he can behave and say what he did. And become someone else two days later. Making me feel like I imagined it all. I know i didn’t.
It is our Wedding Anniversary today and tomorrow. He sent me a message this morning because there was no money in our account to pay the Sky bill. No acknowledgement for our anniversary either which I am gutted about.
He disputed what he paid into the bank, a side effect of the alcohol making him forget. Asked me if I was at work today. When I had told him twice previously I am currently unfit for work. Another thing he failed to remember.
I explained to him he has left me with £60 to live on this week. And all he said was he needed to live. No, he spent all his money on alcohol and cigarettes at the weekend.
He isn’t staying at his Mum’s now. He is sleeping between his Nan’s, a work mate, and a drinking mate. No fixed address.
I did ask him if we could meet to finalise everything so I am able to move on and support myself and he said no. He would give me money at the weekend. I told him he had control over every aspect of my life and the kids and I were living in hardship whilst he goes out. No response. Why won’t he finalise anything with me to move on? Why does he just ignore it and the pain he is causing?
I have spoken to the Council and they know he is not here. They have agreed to chase him for his half of the rent that is still owing. Until that is paid I can’t get any help.
I have applied for Universal Credit. But due to a previous advance I am not eligible for another despite that being joint and now claiming as a single parent. My claim will take six weeks. I still have 15 days until I am paid.
His behaviour, drinking and disappearing like this has already got us in £400 worth of debt. That’s without the credit card debt he has left me with.
He seems to be burying his head in the sand. Telling people different things and not being honest. Not even to me!
I do feel really down today, although my patience is starting to wear thin which I am hoping is a good sign and a step forward. I am trying hard not to get upset today. It is hard!

You are doing the right thing for you and your children .

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/

Link to Women's Aid's info about coercive control, OP. Hope you're doing okay today

Thank you. I was doing okay, am now sat in tears.

So,
Husband messaged again. So cold and heartless. No care at all. Still no acknowledgement that today is our wedding Anniversary.
Said he was not controlling my life. Not even financially which isn’t true. Said he was not hurting the kids. He is, he came back at the weekend, left again and hasn’t responded to any messages they have sent.
He said he will start sorting all of the bills and sort the house out, and remove himself from the tenancy. Register for his own council tax. Will return my phone and door key, and make arrangements for the dog to be taken. Asked me to pack up the rest of his clothes. Said he will contact the kids and speak to them.
Still no explanation as to why he said and did what he did at the weekend to just disappear and do this again. No acknowledgement of the hurt and pain that has caused me. Refuses to say anything about it and why he lied and how he could do that. It’s like it never happened for him! I am devastated all over again. He could of done this at any time, and chose to do it today! I don’t know whether to believe him, or if he is still playing games! Any comments and support welcome right now. I am gutted!

I would not be too upset about the date, although I can understand it. Men in general do not attach as much importance to dates and anniversaries as women.
If you can manage it, stay on course: contact women’s aid and follow their advice.
Ignore his promises until he makes good on them.
Pack up his clothes and keep nagging him about the ‘phone and the key until you have them in your hands.
If you possibly can: stop looking back and trying to make sense of his behaviour. It is a waste of energy.

I know it's hard, but please don't put your energy into trying to figure out why he is behaving like this, how he feels, his motives, etc, or get hung up on trying to get apologies or acknowledgements for the pain he is causing.

You need to look after YOU and use your energy to help yourself get out of this situation. He will never give you what you want.

The only thing that matters to him is where his next drink is going to come from .

You need to stop talking to him, stop messaging him, stop trying to reason with him, stop trying to get him to change.

The answer to all your "why?" questions is to control you. That's why it makes little sense to you because you're thinking in terms of love and care. He is not. He just wants power over you, it's not about love for him. I'm sorry.

Coercive control is just a name for this kind of domestic abuse. Because it is all about controlling you.

Hence why you can't point it out to him and get a reasonable response. He is not interested in reason. He will say whatever he thinks gives him the most control.

Seriously, as soon as you start the Freedom Programme you won't feel crazy anymore and you won't keep tormenting yourself with all the "why?" questions.

You keep saying you want him to acknowledge today etc - so if he spun you a line again about loving you and being sorry would you take him back and start this cycle all over again?

You sound like you're desperately trying to give him as many extra chances as you can possibly create to just say one kind thing to you so you can take him back. Be honest with yourself, do you think you are doing that? (You don't have to post your answer unless you want to.)

I understand you're hurting but continuing to try and talk to him, waiting for him to say he loves you, trying to reason with him and meet with him is not moving on. It's keeping you trapped in his web.

Moving on means stepping forward without bringing him along. That groundhog day feeling won't fade until you do.

Don't meet with him. Don't talk to him unless life endingly essential. It just gives him opportunities to hurt and control you.

Btw, one way for you to get some power back here is to be able to accurately label his behaviour as domestic abuse, as coercive control, as gaslighting...

Those labels are your tools to accurately communicate to other people what is happening to you and how you need their help. Use them.

The children may not be receptive yet but you need to start being clear and honest with them too. Right now they think his behaviour is normal and acceptable, so their focus is not on how wrong it is but on trying to do what he wants (just like you were) - changing that requires you to change how you respond and what you say about it. No more dismissing it or making excuses for him.

Thank you for you honesty @eladen. I am grateful.
My mind and my head feels all over the place. I have just spent an hour with my Counsellor, sobbing my heart out.
I came out to a message from the bank. He has changed his address nothing else. He messaged to say he had done that and nothing else. I obtained a form from the bank to remove my name from the account completely. Asked him to meet me in the bank tomorrow to sign it. He refused. Saying that it is pointless closing it because of paying bills etc. I have said I want my name removed and will pay my own bills. He will then have the account to pay his own. Still refused!
We always made a special effort to celebrate our Anniversary after marrying in Las Vegas. I think wanting him to acknowledge it was to see if any part of him was still there. To see if he had any care left at all. I am struggling with the concept of him being two completely different people at the moment. My Husband Friday and Saturday, to a cold, nasty stranger now.
I think I do need to sign up for the Freedom programme to understand all of this craziness. I was always so strong and together before. Piece by piece he has destroyed me and for some stupid reason i still care and miss him. I said to my Counsellor I would much rather a punch in the face than this.
I think you are right, I was willing to give him yet another chance. By choosing what he answers and doesn’t and by keeping me dangling like he does. Not willing to sort anything out and behaving this way, I have accepted that I do now need to let go. As painful as that is, I know I do. My Counsellor described that my mind is used to this behaviour. He goes. Says all of these things. Then comes back. It has been that way for months. I know I need to pull my shit together and break that cycle and not let him. And stick to it. No matter how difficult.
It has been suggested I attend an al-anon meeting to try and reintegrate. Make some new friends, and get support so I am not stuck at home isolated. The thought makes me nervous but I will go and give it a try.
I know I need to move on. I know I need to let go. Honestly, I am struggling to cope with everyday things right now. I have no idea how to do that or where to start.

What would you honestly do if he came back tomorrow, swore he'd stop drinking, said he'd joined AA, apologised tearfully for everything he'd put you and the kids through, and promised to make it all up to you?
Because if he decides it suits him to stay with you after all, he might well say all of that, just to persuade you. You are worth more than this. Stay strong!

You have already started! You are doing really well - moving forward with the finance paperwork, speaking to your counsellor, reaching out for help on here. You sound very smart and self aware - he has been doing his best to scramble your head and make you doubt yourself, but there is still a bit of you that is YOU and you are listening to it.

It's not easy and it won't all happen straight away, but I think you're doing amazingly, OP.

He won’t stop drinking. He can’t now. He is still in denial. His behaviour if I am honest has for progressively worse.
If he did come back, and this time I don’t think he will. He is angry at me for outing his behaviour and how he used me. He would be the same as he was before. Get up, come and go as he pleases. Hide money. Drink. Do nothing with me or the kids. Disappear for hours and not come home.
I barely had chance to process him not coming home the first time, and he done it again the night after coming home on Friday.
I am grieving the Husband I met and married. The loving, kind, caring, funny man who was such a great Husband and Dad. Who cared so much. That man would never have done anything like this. I miss him!
I am trying so hard to be strong. I am exhausted. I go from being angry to being in tears.

OP you need it urgently freeze that joint account if he refuses to remove your name from it. As he can and will rack up an overdraft on it.

He can open his own account to mess his own credit score as he chooses.

Do not leave that account open and useable.

Bag his stuff up and when he comes back kicking off you need to call the police; that will give you your basis for having him removed from the tenency and placing responsibility on the council to change the locks.

You need to get out of this victim mindset and grow a pair. As for the dog take it to the RSPCA, and apply for child maintenance ASAP.

For fuck sake stop having sex with him, and keep him out of your headspace. When you've sorted out the practical elements of seperation buy a copy of Lundy Bancroft why does he do that.

You're asking yourself all the wrong questions....instead of asking yourself like he treats you like he does, ask yourself why you're willing to put up with it.

This shit show surely isn't what you want for your life??

@Closetbeanmuncher
Thank you, your words hit home and have helped. I will get angry, I am just exhausted.

My son went to see him earlier at work and took a form to remove me from our joint bank account. When he got there DH was sat drinking and laughing. My Son asked him for the truth, and said I take it you are not coming home. To which he replied “Not at the moment”. He lied to our Son’s face, causing him to come home and have a go at me! How dare he lie to our kids, not have the balls to face up to what he has done!

So when he smashed up the house, you didn't call the police?

I think your children need to hear it's not your fault. You staying in the relationship is teaching them this is normal...this is the role model relationship they're seeing.

Contact the Domestic Abuse housing officer at your local council. They will help...but you need to be honest and open about everything...no protecting him.