Has my Husband used me? Help!

[Hammers1987]

So,
Two weeks ago yesterday my Husband went to work as usual for the evening shift in a bar he runs. I woke startled Sunday morning to discover he had not come home. His mobile phone was switched off. Upon calling around worried I discovered that DH was in fact drinking and not working, and had gone off to play football that morning. By the time he got in touch it was 1.30pm. I had not heard from him in nearly twenty four hours and all he said was “sorry my phone died”. I was understandably angry. Following this DH disappeared. Didn’t come home and didn’t speak to me for four days. Ignored messages from the kids. Didn’t put money in the bank to cover rent a food.
We spoke on the Friday all day, managed to clear the air and he video called me late that night where we had phone sex. However, the next day he was back to ignoring me and said we were over.
Upon DH return from his parents where he was staying, he refused to speak to me. Refused to speak and sort our marriage out. But refused to sort out rent, bills, the bank, and all of responsibilities too. He left me to borrow money to buy food for our three teenage children. On Friday morning we agreed to meet at the bank. We sorted our account out and paid money in to cover bills. After he asked if he could come home and see the kids and our dogs. We sat and had a tea. Made small talk. And he asked if he had clean socks upstairs. As he went upstairs he made a big deal of saying that he wasn’t packing any of his clothes. When he left for work i was a bit emotional. It has been nearly two weeks since I had seen him and the longest we had been apart in five years.
We spent all afternoon and evening messaging, and he came round about 10pm. We had a talk. He said he loved me, missed me, found it really hard being apart. He wanted our marriage and wouldn’t leave again. He promised. We had sex, good sex, and slept holding each other.
The following morning we laid in bed having a cuddle and a chat. Spent the afternoon together and everything seemed fine. When my DH left for work he said he’d see me in the morning. Gave me a kiss. Said I love you and left. Well. I woke up again and he wasn’t there. He sent me a blunt text at 1.30am saying he was drinking with a football mate and staying there to leave for football in the morning. He did it again! When he finally messaged I asked if he was home later to which he said “I don’t think so. I am not sure what we should do for the best to be honest”. Followed by a please don’t be upset!
He didn’t come home, and stayed out drinking all day yesterday. Refused to speak to me. And today has said we were over two weeks ago!
I really don’t understand where he is coming from and why he is doing this. He won’t answer me what Friday was all about. He won’t discuss why he did that. He won’t talk to me. He won’t sort any of our responsibilities out either. It’s like he punishes me for his own behaviour. He has been drinking a lot over the last year. Only had nine alcohol free days this year. Drinks everyday. Regularly binge drinks. I honestly don’t know why he treats me like this. I am devastated. Five years of marriage. Our anniversary Wednesday. What do a I do? Now do I deal with this?

OP I will give you answers but you must get out. X

op...if you want this to work you have to toughen up and getsome self respect and dignity,Chuck him and all his stuff out..ring his parents tell them to come and collect it and be unavailable to him.No contact no sex no nothing,You have to make him see what he has lost and your not doing that right now ,He has no respect for you or the kids..you all mean nothing to him,He is happy for you to sink,, all of you.Why would you want him?Why would you want and waste your love on someone who has abused you and your children? Let him go...He doesnt care he can;t care knowing you and the kids have no money or anything whilst he is off doing as he pleases ...its all wrong.

Plus he's teaching the children to have no respect for you as well.

Yes he's using you. Every time he fancies a wank/shag he calls or visits, tell you what you want to hear then acts like an arrogant prick again. That isn't love. And it's not how marriages work. You can't pick and choose when you want to be free/married from one week to the next.

He's horrible OP. Get your financial affairs in order. And pack his bags for him.

My ex did this. We weren't married, but it was just like this. Punished me, created arguments and took off for days, said it wasn't working. Then he'd suddenly have a change of heart. Whenever he 'left' me though he never packed his stuff.

The last time he did it I snapped and wised up. I packed his shit for him, changed the locks and dumped his stuff outside the front door. I then gave him one week to collect his bigger items and if he didn't bother I'd be keeping or getting rid of them. I then blocked his number.

We weren't married, had no financial links (he didn't want to share HIS money with me!) and had no kids, so granted it was easier for me to cut him off. But for your own sanity and happiness, is this how you imagined a loving marriage would be?

Do speak to Women's Aid. You will be able to get him out legally if there's domestic abuse.

Post on the relationship board and ask for advice on how to take back control, start divorce and negotiate life as a single parent.

You sound overwhelmed but you must do all of this and give your DC the stability they need. They are angry with you because you are reliable and there.

You can do this and one day you will be so pleased to be rid of this awful man. Make a vow right now that you will not have sex with him again. Do not allow the situation to even allow the possibility. Bag up his stuff and store in the shed or similar and finally, start talking to people. You need support in RL but there is plenty on here.

Get over to Relationships and get some of Mumsnet finest.

Oops, so sorry, I just realised you are on Relationships. Good luck and keep strong.

@75Renarde - I could use all the help I can at the moment. Coming in here was an attempt at support, clarity, closure and to be able to move on. To be myself again.
I am honestly trying my best. I am beating myself up over Friday, and because I let him manipulate me. It’s like he has a split personality! Two different people.
I have contacted his Mum, she didn’t reply and was no help at all. I contacted his Brother to help. He did nothing. They just enable him and believe his lies. He lies all the time. Even about little things.
You’re right. He doesn’t respect me. He doesn’t respect anyone.
I do want to let go, and I do want to get angry and be strong to do this. I can’t seem to shake of this emotional grief. I am signed off work at the moment and started anti-depressants two weeks ago. Seeing my counsellor regularly.
I am trying to support my kids but they keep pushing me away because they blame me for him leaving and not answering their messages.

He sounds awful op. He's using you for sex and manipulating/abusing you emotionally. You're better off without him. What can you do to sort things out without him? Like getting sorted fina etc. I think feeling less dependant on him will help.

Do you have anyone else who can look after you/hold your hand for a bit, OP? I know that abusive men often isolate their victims and drive away friends and family - or pick on women who are estranged from their own family and have few friends. If this prick is the only adult in your life, I can see why you let him have sex with you in a desperate attempt to make him stay - but it isn't going to work. If there is no one else, please contact Women's Aid for some reassurance and moral support to get him out of the house and keep him out: if he has been physically aggressive it doesn't matter that it's in his name; it's the children's home and they have a right to live in it safely, without an abusive man there.

@Nexa - How did you find the strength and courage? Granted it is a bit more difficult with financial ties and children. Every time he does this it gets worse and I crashed and burned this time. No energy left. I struggle to leave the house as I feel humiliated whilst he carries on as normal.

@MatildaTheCat - I am extremely overwhelmed and exhausted. I feel like months of this hit me all at once. Where I usually has work to keep me occupied, I never really dealt with it. When he left in the holidays, it all hit me at once because I didn’t have the distraction.

He does manipulate me, and when I have stood up to him in the last he has threatened to leave me for standing up for myself.
I haven’t seen anyone in two weeks now apart from him and the kids. He has isolated me.
He painted a picture that I was boring, miserable and never wanted to do anything. Not mentioning it was down to his drinking why I was stuck at home.
He has worn me down. Kept criticising my weight. I was too skinny. I needed to eat more. I looked like bone and rice. But would never help me around the house. Let me work a 40 hour week and take care of everything else whilst he came and went as he felt like it.
What I don’t understand is why keep coming back and doing this in the first place? How can you treat someone like this and have no remorse?
I was in touch with Oasis, for some emotional support. The woman was not supportive at all. No help at all. Did not listen to a word I said. And then never called back.
I have put another bolt on the front gate and will swap my front and back door locks round as he won’t think of that and will save me money.
I have applied for Universal Credit. I am not eligible for an advance though. My husband and I were claiming a few months ago and received an advance, and because we stopped claiming two months later that has to be paid back. I explained the situation but there was nothing they could do. I have to wait six weeks. I get paid in two weeks. Meanwhile he has left me with £60 cash to feed us all. Not that we are eating much.

@ReanimatedSGB - I didn’t have sex with him to make him stay. I stupidly had sex because I believed what he said. Because he seemed so genuine. Because I stupidly love him despite what he has done. Which makes me hate myself more because I can’t hate him yet!

Firstly, I am really sorry to hear you are going through this.
I agree with @ScreamingLadySutch, you cannot change him, he is alcoholic and his relationship is with alcohol; nothing else matters. Occasionally he might tell you everything you want to hear but mostly he will show you by his actions that you and your children are not his priority.

So, focus on yourself. Because of your living situation (council accommodation) you must move his belongings out of your bedroom. Do you have a spare room? If not, set up his things outside of your marital bedroom, put them in the shed or garage and put a lock on your bedroom door, the type with a key. You are separating yourself from him.

Do not have any further sexual relations with him.
Do not buy food for him.
Do not pay for his phone.
Do not do his laundry.
He is on his own now and you are living separately.

If he tries to save your relationship by telling you he is in AA that's fine and good for him, but don't allow a reconciliation between you until he has been sober for 3 months. You can purchase alcohol testing kits from pharmacies, if he is telling you the truth he won't mind testing.

But a word of caution - alcoholics lie, they lie and they lie and they lie! They gaslight their spouses and you will constantly be watching him for any signs of alcohol abuse. He will put you on the wrong foot by making you question yourself when you confront him because you know he's still drinking.
You might also start the madness of looking for evidence of his drinking; bottles, open or empty, which you will come across from time to time - after he has sworn blind, on your life, his life and his kids lives that he has stopped, remember alcoholics lie. You will expose him and he will make up excuses and you're back to square one.

Please don't do this to yourself, if you don't want to live the life I've explained above, then separate yourself from him.

Do all the things you need to do: learn to drive, talk to CAB, get a solicitor and go to Al Anon but for your own sanity, get him out of your life.

if you speak to your local council housing department and explain he is abusive they will help you

It sounds like alcoholism is playing a big part here.

Is he on paye? If so apply for CMS, council tax reduction and I assume you get child benefit paid into your account, not his.

You have to separate to have any chance of recovering. He might need to hit rock bottom but you really can't save an alcoholic, it has to be down to him.

Be strong for your children, you need to eat, sleep and take care of yourself for them as they will need at least one decent parent.
How old are your children? Can you let school know what is happening so they access counselling & support.

How you handle their outbursts depends on their ages but you have to know their Dads behaviour is nothing to do with you. If you believe it, then they will get it.

How did you find the strength and courage?

Anger. So much hurt and anger.

He'd attacked my self esteem and confidence, and its what kept me with him for as long as I did. I felt weak and unworthy, nobody else would want me, he was as good as it got for me. I was grateful for the few scraps of 'love' sex

But then I fell pregnant. Totally unplanned, contraception failure. The stress and physical abuse he brought on me caused a pregnancy loss. It was a huge turning point for me. I was grief stricken at the loss of my baby, felt unbearable guilt that I had stayed with him to do this to me/the baby and I suddenly loathed, despised and hated him.

The man literally did not care, was still off out getting pissed/coked up, and I strongly suspect sleeping with other women he met in clubs. He even accused me of making up the pregnancy/that he didn't believe it was his/that I'd made up the miscarriage and had really had an abortion etc etc. Anything that relieved him of any accountability.

In your situation OP he's making your kids believe that HIS abuse towards you is your fault and turning them against you. That's despicable. And that should be your 'red mist' catalyst. How dare he! How dare he do this to you over and over again and then sit there and let your kids believe that you are the arsehole here.

My ex did that too. Had my own entire family against me. My mother, siblings and friends. Not just mutual friends, but friends I'd met before him. His lies and accusations were believed.

Please take pp's advice and speak with Women's Aid. I wish I'd known about them when I went through my ordeal instead of spending 5 years trying to drag myself through horrendous depression and trying to rebuild my life alone (until I met my wonderful now-DH)

@LampLighterInn - Thank you for your kind words. I am overwhelmed with the support.
Sadly he doesn’t see his drinking as a problem. He is in denial. Despite the erratic moods. Sweats. Breathing problems. And hand shakes in the morning. Will sacrifice food for drink. Now drinks stronger lager, followed by doubles and shots due to the high tolerance. Drinks drives. Forgets a lot. All the time.
It is a shame. He was such a lovely, kind, caring, funny man who would do anything for his wife and kids. That one the man I grieve.
I very much doubt he will come back now. I refused him entry to the house this afternoon when he claimed he needed a change of clothes. I packed the hand luggage case and left it out the back. I have since black bagged the rest and left it in the shed. His last message was that he hates me and never wants to see or speak to me again. Charming! I am dreading Wednesday. Our Anniversary. The thought just makes me fall apart!
He does lie now, about how much he is paid, what he is doing, I couldn’t even trust him to work. He has gaslighted me. Even now with what happened Friday. Making me question and doubt myself.
He knew my worse fear was being abandoned. He uses that to manipulate me and punish me. During a row he could live in the house and not speak to me for days!

He IS giving you answers, OP.

Just don't look at what he says. Look at what he does. It's crystal clear.

Start taking control. And FFS, stop having sex with him.

Cancel his phone contract or at least block the number. Take as much as you can out the joint account and set up your own account. Give him a deadline to come and speak with you and behave like an adult, after which you seek legal advice. You don't talk to him. You don't message him. He is treating you and your children like shit. Yes you are upset but not as upset as he will be when he sees how strong you can be. Value yourself. He is an adult with issues. They are not your job to fix.

If you are already receiving support related to domestic abuse then that will help you apply for a non-molestation order and an occupation order. Once you have done this you will be able to get his name removed from the tenancy. Contact a family law solicitor in your area who accepts legal aid, they can sort it out for you.

Stop engaging in the drama. Go to the Citizens Advice Bureau and get some of this sorted out - the one I worked in we had a "one stop shop" one day a week with debt and benefit advice, a rep from the housing office, women's Aid and a solicitor all in one place. Alternatively as Muna says find a solicitor that offers the half hour free advice.

My brother is an alcoholic, another poster on a thread on here shared this link and it seriously hit home - I imagine it will for you too

www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/68440-alcoholism-tragic-three-act-play-there-least-4-characters-1-a.html