Has my Husband used me? Help!

[Hammers1987]

So,
Two weeks ago yesterday my Husband went to work as usual for the evening shift in a bar he runs. I woke startled Sunday morning to discover he had not come home. His mobile phone was switched off. Upon calling around worried I discovered that DH was in fact drinking and not working, and had gone off to play football that morning. By the time he got in touch it was 1.30pm. I had not heard from him in nearly twenty four hours and all he said was “sorry my phone died”. I was understandably angry. Following this DH disappeared. Didn’t come home and didn’t speak to me for four days. Ignored messages from the kids. Didn’t put money in the bank to cover rent a food.
We spoke on the Friday all day, managed to clear the air and he video called me late that night where we had phone sex. However, the next day he was back to ignoring me and said we were over.
Upon DH return from his parents where he was staying, he refused to speak to me. Refused to speak and sort our marriage out. But refused to sort out rent, bills, the bank, and all of responsibilities too. He left me to borrow money to buy food for our three teenage children. On Friday morning we agreed to meet at the bank. We sorted our account out and paid money in to cover bills. After he asked if he could come home and see the kids and our dogs. We sat and had a tea. Made small talk. And he asked if he had clean socks upstairs. As he went upstairs he made a big deal of saying that he wasn’t packing any of his clothes. When he left for work i was a bit emotional. It has been nearly two weeks since I had seen him and the longest we had been apart in five years.
We spent all afternoon and evening messaging, and he came round about 10pm. We had a talk. He said he loved me, missed me, found it really hard being apart. He wanted our marriage and wouldn’t leave again. He promised. We had sex, good sex, and slept holding each other.
The following morning we laid in bed having a cuddle and a chat. Spent the afternoon together and everything seemed fine. When my DH left for work he said he’d see me in the morning. Gave me a kiss. Said I love you and left. Well. I woke up again and he wasn’t there. He sent me a blunt text at 1.30am saying he was drinking with a football mate and staying there to leave for football in the morning. He did it again! When he finally messaged I asked if he was home later to which he said “I don’t think so. I am not sure what we should do for the best to be honest”. Followed by a please don’t be upset!
He didn’t come home, and stayed out drinking all day yesterday. Refused to speak to me. And today has said we were over two weeks ago!
I really don’t understand where he is coming from and why he is doing this. He won’t answer me what Friday was all about. He won’t discuss why he did that. He won’t talk to me. He won’t sort any of our responsibilities out either. It’s like he punishes me for his own behaviour. He has been drinking a lot over the last year. Only had nine alcohol free days this year. Drinks everyday. Regularly binge drinks. I honestly don’t know why he treats me like this. I am devastated. Five years of marriage. Our anniversary Wednesday. What do a I do? Now do I deal with this?

Im actually aghast at how much you've let him let away with. Your children wont respect you because you aren't respecting yourself!

He needs a sharp shock. Cut contact completely except 're kids. Go 'grey rock'
Be prepared to accept the relationship is over. As someone else suggested, don't even contemplate a reconciliation until he's been sober 3 months.

He may never manage that. You also need to accept that.
He needs to admit he has a problem and want to stop drinking. Unfortunately he clearly doesn't at this point so get some self respect and take control back.

cancel his phone contract

throw him out

get a job

geta solicitor

divorce that sorry piece of shit

OP how old are the children?
Are they his children or yours?

I’d find a local food bank to tide you over on that front
Go and see women’s aid and get financial and legal advice about the council tenancy ASAP.
You can’t trust him not to screw you over so cancel any joint bank accounts and the like right now

You aren’t a bad or worthless person Op and it is on now at your fault that makes him like this

There are abusive men the world over and you are not alone in being treated like this.
Any shame is his alone.

Shake off the feeling that you have done wrong. Hold you head up so high and tell the world what a shit he has been.

Do not take any crap off the kids either- tell them straight what he has done and how he has left you destitute. If they blame you then walk away. If they are old enough suggest they go live with him.

Get help. Speak out and be proud you see him for what he is.

@Nexa - I am so sorry for your loss. That must of been awful, am so sorry you had to go through that on your own. Your strength and courage is remarkable.
You describe exactly how I feel. Weak, unworthy and a shadow of my former self. Piece by piece he has broken me. He has dragged me down massively. I now suffer with anxiety, PTSD where I never got chance to process one thing before another happened. The two worst nights was when he come home late and smashed up our house. Another was when I left his things outside and it was raining. He smashed the front door calling me all the names under the sun.
Whenever he has come back, he walks in like nothing has happened. No apology. Just walks in and has sex and that’s it. No conversation about what’s happened as it’s the last to him. I end up apologising for his behaviour because it becomes about my reaction and not what he done!
@GinGym - If I cancel the phone he still uses it on WiFi as it doesn’t block the WiFi signal. He still won’t return it and regardless I have to pay for it as it is a contract and effects my credit.
As for the joint account that is empty. I have told him he needs to pay for his car tax, car insurance. WiFi and his half of the rent from last month. I am not paying or borrowing money. I haven’t got a card for the account now, he has mine. But I do have a single account.
Why has this man, who has treated me so badly, and who did throw me a few scraps here and there, made me feel so lonely and lost! Why do I miss him!

Stop focusing on trying to find answers, you can’t apply rational to irrational, it’s just a waste of energy and stops you taking action

Because you are a lovely person and he is an asshole.

@Whatevskev - Our children are 16, 15 and 14 and they are both of ours.
The boys adore him. Won’t believe a bad word said against him no matter what he does. Our Daughter, she messages him and is left upset when he ignores her. I get blamed for that and she won’t have a go at him because last time he blocked her from contacting him. As far as I am aware he is sofa surfing between his Nan’s, one of his drinking mates and a man from work.
I have spoken to the Council regarding the tenancy. I can’t probe Domestic Abuse and the police have never been called to my address. He has to remove himself unless he does arrive back and kick off again!
Our joint bank account is empty and I have moved my direct debits. I can’t keep contacting him to remind to pay his. It is not my responsibility.

@user764329056 - I am trying to find answers, you are right. My brain has to process things and make sense of them. It is the same in every aspect of my life. I need to make sense of it to try and move on. For some sort of closure I guess.

Catch him drink driving and report the fucker. Before he kills someone.

I wouldn't even bother trying to salvage anything else from this steaming pile of shit

OP, get yourself down to the bank tomorrow and freeze the joint account. I'd be very concerned that he'll extend the overdraft if you don't. Transfer all your DDs from that account to your own and make sure your pay goes into your own account.

Don't worry about him not paying his own bills - that's his problem.

You do need to speak to the council about your rent arrears and you need to speak to your housing officer about the domestic abuse.

Speak to Women's Aid.

I did freeze the joint account. We both went down to unfreeze it Friday morning. I have moved my direct debits and made the bank aware of the situation. He is unable to increase the overdraft due to lack of funds being paid in and his credit rating. My wages will also be paid in my sole account.
He most recently received a £900 credit card and is probably living off that.
I am not paying his bills. I have done that for months.
I did report him for drink driving a month ago. He gets away with it. I told them his routine every week. He has been driving with no tax or insurance for 9 days.
I have spoken to the Council. They will
Chase him for his half of the rent. There isn’t much else they can do unless he voluntarily removes himself.

Does this ever get any easier?

The hurt, upset, devastation, loneliness. The feeling of being used and abandoned by the one person you trusted for years.

It will Hammers .

Does this ever get any easier?

Yes. It really does.
It takes time and determination. It takes a lot of 'pep talks' with yourself and willpower to not cave in and let him back in. Stone wall!

Keep going with it, don't back down. Let him go and work on YOU and the rest of your life now. Gain back your self worth and confidence.

One day you'll look back and feel SO glad you did it. It'il feel unreal, as if it happened to someone else. But coming out the other side will make you far stronger.

I know it doesn't feel like it now, but it will one day

Thank you Nexa

I feel really stupid for feeling this way. I am 39 years old, and feel floored.
I feel stupid that I let him manipulate me and let him back in. Believing his lies.
I feel stupid I trusted him, and he went and behaved the exact same way he did two weeks previously.
I feel stupid that I set myself back, and caused myself to hurt more. I should have known better.
I do need to learn to be strong where he is concerned. Not to chase him. Just try and get on with things and sort everything else out as best I can. Not to let him drag me down anymore.
I am exhausted. I have not slept since Saturday night. Barely eaten. I feel sick after being used that way.
I am really grateful to everyone who has posted. For a long time he made out I was crazy. Imagining things. That his drinking was all in my head. He didn’t have a problem. I now understand it wasn’t in my head. And is his problem. His friend always has his back at work when he makes mistakes and cover for him when he is drunk. They enable him. Living and accepting his behaviour and juggling finances, I enabled him too. He never had to suffer the consequences of his own actions and behaviour.
I do miss him. I do feel like I am grieving a loss. I am dreading my wedding Anniversary Wednesday.
I am grateful for all the support, it has given me some comfort. Reassurance. And made me feel not so lonely and isolated. X

It's a shit thing he is doing. Bite the bullet and take any control back from him. He may be thinking he's in control now, he'll shit himself to be honest when the tables are turned and you do the decision making.

Turn over a brand new leaf - no more Mr Nice Guy, don't let anyone who calls you a c**t have sex with you and make sure your kids show some respect too.

It's easy for me to say this, when you are hurting, your life turned upside down, but you really need to find the strength and confidence to sort this out.

You deserve better, you deserve to be happy. Not letting ANY bloke think he can talk to you like that is a start. No more ringing round for him. Get his stuff packed up or make him do it when he comes back, and he will come back - you need to be ready to show him you mean business. Don't show him any weakness, be calm but firm and tell him to move his gear out of your home.

If you know when he's coming, try and get the kids out of the way so they don't have to witness it - but mean it. You will never be happy with him.

Wishing you all the very best, it's shit and you don't deserve this. You are worthy, he's the one to blame, not you.

Coercive control is a criminal offence. You can report him to the police regardless of whether or not he's ever hit you or you ever called for help in the midst of an incident. It's not about physical violence or single incidents, it's about his pattern of behaviour and the damage it's caused you.incident

They should risk assess and make sure you're safe - finally standing up to him and kicking him out is the time you are most at risk of him physically harming you.

Have you spoken to Women's Aid? They might be able to help you navigate some of the practical stuff.

You do need to be clear with people you are experiencing domestic abuse - and use those words - otherwise they won't know and won't respond correctly. The council should not be requiring you to prove you're being abused to be protected. They have a duty of care to you.

And then get yourself on the Freedom Programme course: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

It will help you make sense of everything, how it's affected you, how it's affected your children, how you'll all heal and how you can protect yourself.

The course is free to attend, confidential and nobody will judge you, tell you what to do or ask for "proof" of his abuse. It's info not therapy so you don't have to talk, you can just listen.

OP it might be a good idea to sit the kids down with you too and explain what is going on,,,not all of it but whats appropriate for them to know.I found that kids who are kept in the dark over worry and blame themselves trying to process things.If you explain to the kids calmly then it might make life a bit easier all ways round.They are also old enough to know that you need to pull together as a family.If they need help maybe you could organize that with school ...

You are grieving. It's natural. But it's also part of your healing. Don't beat yourself up for it, be kind.

You need to confide in at least one friend. I would bet money that they are well aware that there are issues, primarily alcohol related, and are waiting for you to ask. The children will know something is up but see you putting up with it. Stop playing the victim , get angry and take practical steps to get him out of your lives. He is abusive in his emotional and financial manipulation of you, Womens Aid may be a good place to start.

It's a huge shock to the system, you are allowed to grieve.

Have you started a claim for UC as a single person?

1. Contact Women's Aid
2. Go to the police report everything
3. Make sure you have all his behaviour documented - diary's, copy of emails / texts etc
4. Citizens Advice bureau - they can put you in touch with a solicitor for free advice for 30 minutes
5. Get an occupation order

https://www.gov.uk/injunction-domestic-violence/eligibility-occupation If you go to http://www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk/ contact them they should be able to help you sort this out.

1. Pay for nothing of his, cut off the phone. Pay for the cost by all means claim it back in the divorce.
2. Tell his mum to collect her dog or it's being re-homed - actually do it - if she live 5 hours away she will have to deal with it.
3. Speak to your kids, tell them you love them that you want them to have a relationship with their dad but it's down to him to make it happen.
4. You and the kids need to speak to Al- non.

So so sorry you are going through this, it's not fair on you or your kids. Most of all it's not your fault

@eladen - Thank you for your kind words. What is Coercive Control? Thank you for your advice, I will contact Women’s Aid this morning and have a look at the programme.
@Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe
I have spoken to the kids. They recognised Dad had an issue with alcohol and how it affected his moods. What they see though is me reacting to him. He didn’t come home, I sent a message and then Dad is gone and doesn’t answer them. If they ask what is going on he tells them “It is between me and your Mum mate”. Doesn’t acknowledge anything, ask how they are or provide any support.
@LIZS - I really wish i had one friend I could really speak to for support. Our joint friends, couples, one would listen but then tell her partner and then it gets back to my Husband. I confided in a colleague at work, she was really nice but not someone I can depend on for support. He isolated me from all my friends.
I have woken up feeling terribly numb today. We got married in Las Vegas four years ago today. Due to an issue with our marriage license we had the ceremony today, tomorrow is the day we went back to the Chapel and were married again in shorts and T-shirt. I feel really emotional. I really wish I didn’t miss him. I don’t know why I do, and I feel so lost and lonely.
I do need to angry, and I do need to stop being scared about how he will react to what I do. When I did try and make decisions a few months ago when he did the same thing and left for a few days. He went nuts. Started calling me an evil bitch because I cut the phone off. Cancelled the direct debits. He went nuts because I spoke to his Brother about his behaviour. He doesn’t like me speaking about things to anyone.
I know I need to start taking that control back. I have applied for Universal Credit. I have my own sole account. I am not really sure where to start with everything else.

Don't have much to add but just wanted to send support. You are stronger than you realise and the hardest part is behind you now