I’m married...but I’m gay.

[Runmelikeariver]

I’m married and have two children. I’m now in my mid 30s and am certain I’m gay, or at least bisexual with a strong preference for women. I’ve always known this really, it’s just my parents would have been (and would be) horrified and so I’ve just squashed it down and ignored it. However I’ve always felt something is missing, often anxious, never really settled. I have never felt any really stength of feeling towards a man and although I can have sex with a man the enthusiasm is fairly low.
As I’ve got older I feel more strongly gay and I’m finding it hard to ignore it. My husband would be extremely angry if he knew, which is fair enough as I’ve wasted his time really. My parents may will disown me. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to hurt everyone but I’m dying here. I don’t know if I can carry on living a lie. On the other hand my children and husband are happy, is my happiness really worth theirs? I feel so selfish contemplating coming out but I also feel so trapped and suffocated in my marriage with someone who I know I don’t feel as I should about and never have.
Has anyone else been here?

No idont. You can’t judge my tone over these messages. My tone isn’t smug or proud - it’s resigned and guilty.
I didn’t marry him thinking - great I can just pretend to be straight and trick him. I married him hoping against hope that id feel normal like everyone else and I could have the happy family I wanted. And that he wanted too. I realise retrospectively it was wrong, I was 19. I’m not the same person now. I was an adult, but barely. It’s not an excuse, but it is a reason. I loved him. I wanted it to be enough.

Then that is what you should have written in your opening post.

You said you'd always known you were gay. To marry a heterosexual without telling them you are gay is tricking them. It is pretending to be straight.

I don't have a great deal of sympathy for anyone who deceives their partners whether it be by lying, lying by omission, committing adultery or other reasons. I don't like people's lives being destroyed unnecessarily.

Btw, my DB was planning on marrying a stunning young woman years ago and she was outed by her girlfriend. He was heartbroken at 22 but got over it. She knew she was gay but didn't want her parents to suspect. She would have married him, had kids with him and lived a sham of a life with him. Thank God for her jealous gf. It saved him from that sham.

So, FFS, just leave him and let him live the life he deserves to have. He'll hopefully get over this in time.
You can lead the life you really want and deserve to have.

You can both find your happy ever afters but not if you are selfish enough to continue with your pretence.

Just do the right thing.

I’ve always known I wasn’t straight but not known it at the same time. I know that makes no sense. I’ve known I was different but I really really didn’t want to be gay, so much so I ignored it. Again, no excuse, I know.

Oh come on Idont - you mean you really don't get that someone can suppress how they really feel and try to convince themselves otherwise and maintain that self-delusion for a long time - especially about something that they don't want to be true? It's a very normal feature of human behaviour.

Hi @Runmelikeariver. Just wanted to add my support and say that I can totally see how your current situation developed. Those who are laying into you for "lying", etc., I suspect have very little experience of (or find it hard to imagine) the huge biases towards heterosexuality in the world at large, and how very difficult it is to be gay even when your family are supportive. When they're not, the complexities are huge.
I don't know what the answer is for you, but best of luck whatever you decide. And I hope you can ignore the spectacularly unhelpful posts focusing on over-simplified interpretation not your past and not how you move forward now (which is what you asked for).

*interpretation of your past

Actually I think OP is the one simplifying the past. She's said a few different contradictory things, but what I'm getting from it is that she was initially attracted to her DH and happy in the relationship, as well as being attracted to women. Sounds like she is at least somewhat bi, or was. Over time she has become less happy in the marriage, and also her attractions have moved more towards the lesbian end of the spectrum.

So I don't think it's so simple as saying "OP was 100% gay all along and living a lie/tricking her DH".

People often have reservations going in to marriage (no partner is perfect, after all) but decide to go ahead. People are attracted to others outside the relationship. Relationships do often become less happy over time. Peoples sexualities sometimes change. Some combination of this is what has happened here.

I dont get people supporting leading this man on because its hard to come out, theres no need to be in a relationship people have managed not to be in relationships for many years, she chose to enter a relationship there was no need to, she used him to deceive those around her ( although she shouldnt have felt the need as it shouldnt be an issue). She could have lived a normal everyday life just being single and no one would have been any more the wiser about her sexuality.

Can I just say, it's 2019 and whilst I appreciate homophobia still exists it's not like the dark ages when people were shunned for being gay.

You only get one life. Live it as your true self, and let your husband live his best life as well.

I'm so angry that you're considering just putting up and shutting up - it's not fair on anyone. Have some courage and leave, which will give you both the chance to be truly happy.

Yes chocolate and yet - hate crimes being reported are increasing even though convictions are falling.

Oh ok then carry on as you were lying to your husband then. Totally fine.

I'm straight but I have plenty of gay friends. I have not heard of any of them being the subject of hate crimes.

I don't know why you came on here to ask for advice when you intend to do nothing about your current situation.

Yes, and lesbophobia is actually being written into the equalities policies of many public and private institutions here and globally.

It’s just that even in 2019 - it’s not as liberal as you might think or hope. My gay male friends have been assaulted a number of times. It’s not true to say society is massively accepting of homosexuality.

Ask yourself this: has your strategy of dishonesty served you well until now? If you think it has, carry on. If you think it hasn’t, you know what to do.

I'm not sure in any case that anecdotal second-hand knowledge about hate crimes is an accurate indication of how easy it is to be an out lesbian in the UK.

Do your own friends know in real life OP? could they offer you any support at all?

I'm so here. This is 100% me. Where are you now? What did you do? How did it work out? Xx