I’m married...but I’m gay.

[Runmelikeariver]

I’m married and have two children. I’m now in my mid 30s and am certain I’m gay, or at least bisexual with a strong preference for women. I’ve always known this really, it’s just my parents would have been (and would be) horrified and so I’ve just squashed it down and ignored it. However I’ve always felt something is missing, often anxious, never really settled. I have never felt any really stength of feeling towards a man and although I can have sex with a man the enthusiasm is fairly low.
As I’ve got older I feel more strongly gay and I’m finding it hard to ignore it. My husband would be extremely angry if he knew, which is fair enough as I’ve wasted his time really. My parents may will disown me. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to hurt everyone but I’m dying here. I don’t know if I can carry on living a lie. On the other hand my children and husband are happy, is my happiness really worth theirs? I feel so selfish contemplating coming out but I also feel so trapped and suffocated in my marriage with someone who I know I don’t feel as I should about and never have.
Has anyone else been here?

I actually know a woman who left her husband and cane out as gay. She’d already met the OW by the time she left her DH. He was heartbroken and shocked but he’s moved on and is happy with his new partner. The kids seem settled and all has worked out...eventually. It’s crueller to drag this out for your DH and then make you mind up in your 60’s say. Let him go and let him find his happiness now whilst he’s still young. Wish you all the luck xx

Oh dear OP.. I could have written your post. Two kids, mid30s and so so in love with a woman.. who is straight, naturally.
My poor husband is really unhappy with me as I can't show much affection to him. I literally have to get very drunk to sleep with him. And it hurts him. However, he says he loves me and will never ever leave me. He is prone to depression and is not a very strong person. I worry about him. And I am so trapped.
Another factor is that financially I can't quite afford to live on my own and I feel my kids will suffer as a result.
So I am just trying to get through each day, hoping that something will happen for me to find strength to deal with the situation. Or that my feelings for this woman will go away and I will be able to somehow stay with my husband.
I have no idea what to do.

I don't think hes owed anything beyond, you want to end the relationship because you have no feelings for him/dont love him anymore. He doesn't need to know the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
I think you need to leave him OP and Kirsty could you look on the entitled to website to see what your entitled to benefit wise if you leave yours whilst you sort yourself out?

Hi, I was exactly where you were a few years ago. Suspected I was bisexual when I was younger but squashed it as my whole family were terribly homophobic, and as far as I was concerned...I was still attracted to men so just chose to ignore my attraction to women. I met a guy when I was 20, settled down, had children...hoped to live a happy life.
For years, I continued to ignore my attraction to women and was desperately unhappy. It all came to a head last year, when I decided I couldn't live a lie anymore, that I had no attraction to men at all, and we split. I carried a lot of guilt, feeling like I had deceived him, but in all fairness, he was a very manipulative and abusive individual whom I should have left years ago regardless of my sexuality so I guess those feelings of guilt have lessened due to that. He also knew that I had had strong feelings for women before I met him so he wasn't completely clueless, was just adamant it was a phase.
I did a lot of therapy before leaving him as I needed to be sure of my feelings. The therapy really helped clarify things as I realised that even if I wasn't gay, I desperately needed to get away from my ex.

I am now over the moon that I can be honest with who I am, and the people that I have come out to so far have been fantastic. Most had already guessed that I wasn't straight, but I so wish I had done it sooner as hiding who I was for so long has left me with extremely bad anxiety, internalised anger, and depression. I am working myself through it with the help of a therapist but it has been a long road. I closed myself off from people for years as the internalised anger and anxiety became so bad, and even now I feel free...I am still struggling to form attachments and connections with people.
I'm really not trying to scare you, I guess I'm just trying to make you aware of the consequences something like this can have on your mental health.
I'm more than happy to chat more if you want to PM me as I am aware that I am rambling! Good luck in whatever direction you choose, and I hope you find some level of calm for yourself.x

Sorry rumred but I disagree with you on this point Just want to say you haven't wasted anyone's time and agree with Dementor

This wasn't the OP suddenly having a realisation. She says quite openly "I’ve always known this really", that she chose to ignore it because of her parents and that "I have never felt any really strength of feeling towards a man"

So she had no strong feelings towards her husband, yet married him anyway and had children with him.

I'd call that wasting his time. Anything other than admitting the truth and letting him go so he can actually hopefully find someone that actually DOES want, desire, love and have feelings for.

One more voice here for ending the marriage.

Be prepared though for your husband pointing out that you have betrayed him from the beginning.

Totally agree with you @ShatnersWig. Someone very close to me (male) went through exactly this scenario with his ex. He felt that she had led to him for their entire marriage.

I honestly think you should tell your husband. It is so cruel and selfish to stay married to someone you can't be attracted to just to protect yourself from judgement. This is as much for him as it is for you. Explain to him that you don't think staying would be fair on him. Surely it would be better now than after you act on your feelings and fall for someone else. At this stage you can separate as friends and work hard to split without animosity, with respect for each other. Just be very kind to him and very conscious of his feelings too.

I was in your husband’s position five years ago. You are being grossly unfair to him. He doesn’t deserve to be used like this. Let him go so he can find someone who loves him properly. It’s fine for you to be gay. It’s not fine for you to treat other people as props to your life.

You owe it you're husband to be honest and get the relationship op.

Just to offer an alternative and perhaps more hopeful perspective on this, OP, from a non-monogamous position. I’m bisexual and have an open marriage - my husband knew my sexual orientation when we met and is quite happy for me to have discreet secondary relationships with women as long as they don’t impinge on our (very happy) primary relationship and family life (and equally, I’m happy for him to do the same). Unconventional perhaps, but it means we have a happy, honest, and communicative marriage that works for us.
I’m currently seeing a woman who is fully aware of, and comfortable with, this arrangement - there’s something very beautiful and liberating about being able to openly acknowledge different levels of sexual attraction and love for different people. I’m aware this is an unconventional approach and it’s absolutely not right for everyone but it feels completely right for us.
It’s ok to feel how you feel. Just make sure you proceed with honesty and respect for yourself and others.

Knit Big difference. Your husband KNEW your sexual orientation.

In my defence although I knew I was attracted to women I was initially attracted to my husband and did love him. It’s very very hard aged 19 to know that your family will be horrified by who you are, to the point they may want nothing more to do with you. It was easier to be with a man so that’s what I chose. I have become more attracted to women in the last couple of years.
I did not mean to ‘use’ him and I’ve been with him for 16 years. It’s longer than a lot of marriages last. There has been a degree of emotional abuse and control from his side too. I’m not excusing marrying him, I know I’m the villain here. But the marriage isn’t perfect even taking out my sexuality. Far from it.

There has been a degree of emotional abuse and control from his side too

Here come the drip feeds.....

Do him the honour of sorting out your relationship first and then move on to your next relationship be it with the man or the woman afterwards. I don't think that if you do break up you need to make the break up all about "realising that you're gay". If you are going to divorce, preserve a good relationship for the sake of the children. So that means separating your lives before you start dating again
I think your DH deserves to understand why you are not happy in the marriage. You both deserve the honesty if you coming out. I'm a lesbian who was married to a man for 16 years and during that time I discovered my true sexuality. We went through a very difficult time when we split, but over time the rift has healed and we are very close friends now. I was always completely honest with him and that has ultimately helped the healing process

Regardless of that Op you can't string him along any longer - it's not fair. No marriage is perfect, but this is a fundamental lie on your part.

You need to end your marriage. If living a lie is unbearable for you (and i know it was for me) then it won't be any better for you dh and dcs. They're not daft; they'll be picking up on your unhappiness.

Remember, whether you're married or not, have children or not, you always have the right to end any relationship where you're not happy.

If you continue to squash it down like this i can tell you how it's going to play out: one day you'll meet a woman who just takes your breath away - you won't be able to think of anything or anyone else. And then the shit will really hit the fan - and your marriage will end in an awful, messy mudslinging way with your beloved being cast as the 'homewrecker' - not a great way to start or end a relationship and awful for the kids. End it cleanly, now OP. A simple "i'm sorry but it's not working - i want us to stay friends and coparent our kids together" you don't even have to mention your sexuality.

Life is too short to live a sham marriage when your mind body and soul want something else. Try and find real life support from other lgb people or lgb counselling to help you through the process. Many women have tried this path before you of coming out of heterosexual relationships when children are involved. Take courage, and you will get through this and both be free to find people you can love in truth.

Op, I was in your position. I lived with my ex partner for 14 years before I was able to admit I am lesbian. Like other posters have said, I told him the truth, and we separated. I didn’t start a relationship straight away. Although he was furious to start with me in the beginning we are ok now, he lives round the corner from me and we spend time together with the kids. I know I hurt him and misled him, but it would have been worse to live out the rest of our days in a sexless relationship where only one side knows why. I have since married a woman and we all get on well. It wasn’t easy but it was the right thing to do. Good luck. Xx

I don’t disagree that this is a distressing and difficult predicament to be in. The only counsel I can offer is this: should you end the relationship, you owe your husband the absolute, unedited truth. But understand that in doing so there is a very good chance that it will cause him deep emotional trauma - you have, after-all, deliberately made his life a sham. He will feel rightly humiliated and humiliation is a wound that few people completely recover from. It integrates itself into your psyche with the same impact as an abusive childhood. With that in mind, do not expect reasonableness, kindness or understanding. Your husband may offer them if he is of an exceptionally rare breed but it is unlikely. Prepare yourself for anger, for rage and for a lifetime of resentment. Given that you intentionally lied to him from the beginning you need to absorb all this like an uncomplaining sponge. He will be in a deep, spiral of grief and despair as his whole world and view of the past disintegrates along with his sanity - whereas you will be moving towards the life you dream of.

This is a very adult moment. I don’t envy you but we are all, to an extent, the sum of our choices.

And as for the posters saying you should split but not tell him the truth....hmnn

I disagree Jabberwocky. Sexuality - coming out- is extremely personal and challenging by itself. The OP certainly doesn't 'owe' anyone a warts and all breakdown on a extremely personal and difficult realisation.

Getting divorced is hard enough. Realising you're gay is hard enough. Why should she give them both an unneccesary nervous breakdown by combining the two?

If she'd actually cheated with a woman it would be a different matter and yes she would owe him the truth over her infidelity. But she doesn't owe him or anyone else a hand-wringing apology over a perfectly normal and natural sexual orientation consisting purely of thoughts so far. It's her business who she chooses to come out to and how. Not wanting to be in a relationship is reason enough to end it.

cocky. Of course.

Maybe I should just squash it and live with it. I don’t know - at least everyone else is happy at the moment. It’s just me that isn’t and it’s my own fault. It feels selfish to think of ending things.

I’m not drip feeding because my sexuality is the main issue for me. But aside from that my parents and close friends who know nothing of my sexuality - they think I should end the relationship for a number of other reasons.

I feel like I need some support but I don’t know where irl to find it.