I’m married...but I’m gay.

[Runmelikeariver]

I’m married and have two children. I’m now in my mid 30s and am certain I’m gay, or at least bisexual with a strong preference for women. I’ve always known this really, it’s just my parents would have been (and would be) horrified and so I’ve just squashed it down and ignored it. However I’ve always felt something is missing, often anxious, never really settled. I have never felt any really stength of feeling towards a man and although I can have sex with a man the enthusiasm is fairly low.
As I’ve got older I feel more strongly gay and I’m finding it hard to ignore it. My husband would be extremely angry if he knew, which is fair enough as I’ve wasted his time really. My parents may will disown me. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to hurt everyone but I’m dying here. I don’t know if I can carry on living a lie. On the other hand my children and husband are happy, is my happiness really worth theirs? I feel so selfish contemplating coming out but I also feel so trapped and suffocated in my marriage with someone who I know I don’t feel as I should about and never have.
Has anyone else been here?

It's interesting the contrast between this thread and the one about the woman whose husband has been cheating on her with men.

Standard MN behaviour tbh. I'm saddened but not surprised that we have posters on here who are turning it around from the OP to her husband. Apparently not only is the OP perfectly within her rights to have misled this man for their entire relationship about her sexual preferences but is in fact justified in continuing to mislead him because he is highly likely to become violent and abusive when he finds out. Wow.

It is a great shame that we still live in a society where people feel they should suppress the sexuality, but having relationships with others is a choice for most people. Entering a relationship for the purpose of either demonstrating to others or yourself that your sexual preferences are different to that which you know they are is a fundamentally dishonest act and will result in emotional pain to someone at some point. The OP is a classic case, her initial dishonesty has resulted in her choice now of the continued pain of self-denial or the pain of betrayal for her husband.

The sympathy regularly given to women who find that they have been used as 'beards' by their gay husband's is obviously a privilege for women only on here.

Yes, yes and thrice yes.

I'll get slated for this but it's pretty unfair to have got married & had children when you thought this in the first place
You are straight right? Then you cannot imagine how difficult is can be to come to terms with the fact that one is not heteronormative, or how much pressure there still is to be heterosexual. You cannot imagine how long that journey can take. So with respect, fuck off with your judgments

The OP is still coming to terms with her sexuality and has not cheated. Not similar to the other post!

God the mras on this thread.

Every single time a woman finds out her husband lusts after other women and not her the advice is to leave: it's not working, he doesn't want to be with you.

Every time a woman finds out her husband is lusting after other men the advice is the same: leave. It's not working. He doesn't want to be with you.

and lo and behold a woman is lusting after other women and the advice to her is: leave. It's not working. You don't want to be with him.

Such double standards. Right?

"She dream cheated on him!"

@RuffleCrow

Do you toss out nasty labels to everyone who disagrees with you?

Given that you were the one insinuating that her husband would respond with violence upon being told about her sexuality and have conveniently missed that out in your summary suggest that you aren't a reliable arbiter of what has gone on.

joystir59 - Few doubt that the journey you speak of is a difficult one but is it OK to make others collateral damage along the way? There doesn’t seem to be too much sympathy for the husband here. It’s all about her and her happiness. He’s even been called out as a potential murderer!

At what point does she owe him honesty? Because it wasn’t when they were dating. It wasn’t when they got married. It wasn’t when they had kids. It hasn’t been throughout their marriage and seemingly it isn’t due when she waves goodbye. What a view for so many of you all to take. Never complain when a man lies to you if that’s your world view.

I feel that if I leave i want to do it in the kindest way possible. I don’t know which way that is really. I can’t see my way through anything at the moment. It all feels fairly bleak.

It is hard. I do sympathise. There are counsellors who specialise in this area. Perhaps start there.

I just get very frustrated with people who paint themselves into a corner with dishonesty yet see more lies as their way out.

Theres some very perfect people on this thread. All Op has to do is say that the marriage has ended, she owes him no explanation and doesn't have to lie about anything.

I believe you should be open and honest with him, as long as it doesn't endanger you to do so. Coming out can be very difficult without support, so perhaps seek counselling first.

Being honest is kind OP. The truthful reason why you cannot stay married will help in the long run.

Dishonestly starting a relationship with a man, marrying and having children with him is not the only alternative to not coming out to family and friends. If as she has said hasnt ever really had feelings for a man she could have stayed single. Nobody is owed a relationship.

If she's never had any feelings for her DH then all his memories from them being a couple has been a lie, its not like cheating where there was most likely to be some kind of affection to at least start with. There are threads on MN all the time saying they want to know the actual reason why their marriages failed and the like and the man doesn't deserve this why?

In essence she could have picked any guy up off the street, if there were no feelings what criteria did she use to pick him?

@GilbertMarkham
"You haven't intentionally deceived anyone. You've realised over time."
I think they have.The OP said "I’ve always known this really, it’s just my parents would have been (and would be) horrified and so I’ve just squashed it down and ignored it.'
The OP knew she was gay and still married her poor unsuspecting partner.

OP, you are clearly unhappy and need to end the marriage (or let husband divorce you on the grounds of your unreasonable behaviour). He deserves to be free of you so that he can find someone who will really love him. You also deserve to be happy.

Your parents, if they are decent people, will come to terms with this and will hopefully just want you to be happy, irrespective of your sexuality. Your children will still love you and will adjust.

"I feel so selfish contemplating coming out but I also feel so trapped"
No, you were selfish to marry your husband knowing that you were gay. You would be selfish to stay in the marriage and continue in a sham marriage. It is less selfish to tell the truth. Honesty and open communication are essential for a marriage to thrive and your marriage seems lacking in these areas.

"Being honest is kind, op"

There is nothing 'kind' about emotionally blackmailing a lesbian into coming out before she is ready and to someone she doesn't 100% trust who may or may not use it against her during the divorce. The level of homophobia and ignorance on this thread is astonishing. It is in no way helpful to compare this situation to that of a man cottaging for years behind his wife's back. Infidelity is a physical act, not a 'thought crime'.

@idontwanttotalk - you are misinterpreting the op. Being in the closet as a lesbian is not about intentionally deceiving men. You are deliberately ignoring the fact that we live in a society which treats same sex attraction in women as either 1) pure titilation for men or 2) illegal discrimination against men as sexual partners. In this context, assimilating and doing what society expects you to do is not 'deception' it's a survival mechanism.

11Runmelikeariver

"Maybe I should just squash it and live with it. I don’t know - at least everyone else is happy at the moment. It’s just me that isn’t and it’s my own fault. It feels selfish to think of ending things."
No.You are being selfish to continue to deceive your husband and to think it okay for him to live in a sham of a marriage, never to experience the partnership of a woman who loves him deeply in a sexual way.

You actually come across as self-centred. You aren't thinking of him. You are thinking of yourself and only yourself.

I know it’s no defence - but when I married my husband it didn’t feel like I was pretending to be straight. It felt like this was what I had to do and there was no choice. He couldn’t have been just anyone by the way. I do feel some attraction to men - it’s just not as strong and it’s diminished where my attraction to women has grown.
I guess I hoped it would be enough - and for a long time it has been. It’s not like I’ve put nothing into the marriage.

Just a tiny reminder that OP said upthread:
In my defence although I knew I was attracted to women I was initially attracted to my husband and did love him.

Maybe idont
All I can say is at 19 it felt like the only choice. Being gay or bi did not feel like an option to me.

Why is it more selfish to stay married? He’s not aware of how I feel. He would be much happier staying married. My children would be happier. It’s more selfish to break up a reasonably functioning marriage.

Yes ravenmum but to start with she also said this I have never felt any real strength of feeling towards a man.

I don't quite see how she can say she did love him if she has never felt any real strength of feeling towards a man. I'd say love is a real strength of feeling, wouldn't you?

Agreed @RuffleCrow.

Some comments make it sound like a joy ride for the OP whereas, if I use my own experience as an example, it can be a period of deep conflict and an underlying unhappiness.
Also this forum is titled Mumsnet, so yes there is likely to be support for women and to expect otherwise is naive.

@Runmelikeariver, kindness can sometimes be delivering unexpected news in a piecemeal manner so that the receiver can process the information, but only you know your dh and how he is able to handle information such as you are to soon be imparting.

You also have to remember that you have to be kind to yourself first and that coming out before you are ready can take a toll,so be gentle with yourself and don't let more societal pressures force you into another situation that you're not fully ready to handle. You will still be mothering your children so you need to be emotionally resilient whilst you take the next steps,so tread gently and wisely.

Millions of gay people throughout history have tried to suppress it and got married, for obvious reasons. Because it's difficult to come out when people they love would be shocked and horrified. Because they want to be normal and not have to deal with it. because they hope it will go away. It's quite common IMO to "have always known something" in retrospect but not really admitted it to yourself until you can no longer ignore it.

I do think it will be hard for your H but remember marriages end for many reasons and often outright cheating, abuse, etc. Coming to terms with and finally admitting to your orientation isn't the worst thing you could do.

I think your marriage needs to end but what I found (different situation, but when I knew I couldn't stay in my relationship with my kids' dad) is that thinking about it and working on a plan helps a lot, and gives you a sense of control, even if it's a while before you do it. Agree with PPs, don't have an affair and blow everything up. Plan carefully and see this as changing your life (and his, ultimately) for the better as your marriage isn't working out.

You don't need to say "I've realised I've always been gay". When you're ready, you could say you don't feel it's working and you think you would be better apart, and you'd like to work on the best possible co-parenting relationship and stay friends if you can. Yes he'll be very upset at first but it is your choice. It doesn't have destroy everything and make your kids unhappy. I live a happy single life now with my 2 DC and they see their dad regularly.

Then you can embark on dating / relationships and if it turns out you end up with a woman, well that's your choice too, lots of people do it.

"I think I will just have to accept that it is how it is and carry on pretending to be happy."
Oh stop being such a pathetic sympathy-seeking martyr. There are other people involved here and they are as important as you are. What about them?

I’ve done a good job so far so does it matter if it’s just a pretence? Everyone else would rather I carried on pretending I’m sure.'
Nice to hear how proud of yourself you are for deceiving others so well. Congratulations!

If you really think your husband would prefer to be deceived and live a life devoid of a proper wife then you seriously need your head examined. It will certainly matter to your him that it's all a pretence. It will probably matter to others that you have been deceptive.

Your parents, who may be shocked when they find out you are gay may be horrified that their DD didn't feel able to go to them and maybe ultimately get their support at a much younger age. They won't stop loving you because you are gay. They might be appalled that you misled everybody and had children with a man who probably wouldn't have had children with you if he'd known. They will adapt. They will have to.

How much better would it have been if you'd just said that one sentence "I'm gay" years ago and dealt with the aftermath then?