I’m married...but I’m gay.

[Runmelikeariver]

I’m married and have two children. I’m now in my mid 30s and am certain I’m gay, or at least bisexual with a strong preference for women. I’ve always known this really, it’s just my parents would have been (and would be) horrified and so I’ve just squashed it down and ignored it. However I’ve always felt something is missing, often anxious, never really settled. I have never felt any really stength of feeling towards a man and although I can have sex with a man the enthusiasm is fairly low.
As I’ve got older I feel more strongly gay and I’m finding it hard to ignore it. My husband would be extremely angry if he knew, which is fair enough as I’ve wasted his time really. My parents may will disown me. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to hurt everyone but I’m dying here. I don’t know if I can carry on living a lie. On the other hand my children and husband are happy, is my happiness really worth theirs? I feel so selfish contemplating coming out but I also feel so trapped and suffocated in my marriage with someone who I know I don’t feel as I should about and never have.
Has anyone else been here?

The thought of hurting dh in the way that jabbercocky describes breaks my heart.
I think I will just have to accept that it is how it is and carry on pretending to be happy. I’ve done a good job so far so does it matter if it’s just a pretence? Everyone else would rather I carried on pretending I’m sure.

RuffleCrow - I never said she should apologise for her sexuality. She should apologise however, for wasting this guy’s life because she lacked the courage to be honest with the World and herself and entrenching the future hurt by having children with him. If you’re the type of person who believes a marriage deserves no honesty then I can’t convince you but do you honestly think that if she left giving no truly credible reason that this itself would not be traumatic either? He deserves real closure and that demands real honesty.

The poster who said if you try to keep it buried you will meet a woman that you fall for hard and things will get messy is 100% right in my experience.

I fucked up and it got messy but almost 2 years later I have a female partner who my DD thinks is wonderful and (almost) exH has met someone and they seem happy. We Co parent well and although he still has a lot of resentment for me (understandably) it seems that everyone, including DD are happier.

Op .... its not an easy road but you can’t stay in an unhappy Marriage, your main issue isn’t one that needs to be fixed and it’s not your fault! Unless me having blue eyes is my fault?

You have two issues to tackle that yes are interlinked but I would break it into two
Parts:- your marriage is not what it should be .... you are dying inside ... who’s to
Say your husband isn’t too? Or your kids picking up on it ... life is short if the issues are not fixable or in the case of your preference to woman ( it is not fixable it is not a fault and it doesn’t need to be fixed don’t feel guilt for who you are ) then why stay in it another 20 Years , At mid 30’s you both have time to find a new happiness

Break from the marriage first ...yep it’s not gonna be pretty , imagine your parents won’t like it either but to be honest they are not on this world forever no point waiting until their dead and your 70 years old and never lived your life but hey ho your parents were happy. ( harsh but true )
Get to know yourself better again ... don’t jump into another relationship catch your breath ... you haven’t explored the adult you you never got to know her .... then have fun with your sexuality and then when your ready and confident in who you are come out.

Tell your friends if you want to the only thing I would dislike as a friend is if you continued to live your current lifestyle based on what you have finally admitted to yourself because then you are wasting your husbands time otherwise I would be there

Coming from a heterosexual woman by the way ... but that’s because that’s part of who I am... if I had to have a relationship
With a woman ... well it would be nice until it came to Sex then I wouldn’t be satisfied ! Same for you I am sure but reverse situation

Your friends will be fine your family will
Come round ... Teach your kids it’s ok to live your best life.... it’s not gonna be pretty but life isn’t great now either ... but if your stay in the frying on your defiantly going to roast if you jump into the fire you may be able to find a way out ... out of the ashes a phonic rises and all that x x

She hasn't 'wasted his life'. She thought she wanted to be with him, now she realises she doesn't. It's 2019 - it happens. If she was attracted to other men but not him would she 'owe' him that too? Or are some things better left unsaid? As far as I'm concerned when it's over, it's over. You no longer have the kind of intimacy that prompts deep soul searching conversations - it becomes about creating the best possible outcome for the kids. Unfortunately there are some men who will gladly use a woman's sexuality against her in order to hurt the kids. Not worth going down that road.

Op, i'm sorrt you're feeling conflicted and selfish. You're definitely not. You're just human. I think it boils down to that metaphor of putting on your own oxygen mask first so that you can better help your dcs and others around you.

Its strange reading this post as someone else has posted about finding out her husband of 20+ years has been having affairs with men and is now leaving her (not for one minute am i insinuating you are having affairs).

Whatever happens going forward, someone is going to be hurt and living a lie (sorry if that seems harsh). If you stay with your husband pretending to be happy, you will be lying to him day after day, and eventually this will come out, these things have a habit of doing that, and it is almost like an extra layer of betrayal.

You obviously care deeply about your husband, but you owe it to yourself to do what makes you happy. Carrying on pretending you are in a happy loving relationship is going to take a massive toll on you and its not fair. Yes there will be heartache, tears and blame, but however bad it seems you will all move on from this xx

RuffleCrow - To quote the OP:

“I’m gay...I’ve always known this....I’ve just squashed it down and ignored it...I have never felt any really stength of feeling towards a man.”

So your assumption that she thought she originally wanted to be with him appears false given the current information. Ergo: she has wasted his life.

Hi.
I've been there and don't worry the sky won't fall in and everyone will happily survive and get on with their own lives.

Firstly I'd suggest ending a loveless and abusive marriage whatever the reason and find yourself some support via counselling to deal with your experiences in this relationship.

Secondly, I don't think you need to make a huge deal out of being a lesbian, especially these days. How many heterosexual people do you know who announce their sexual orientation to friends and family,and to be honest, your sex life has nothing to do with anyone else.

It's true that resources for lesbians have dwindled dramatically and those which do exist have been hijacked. However,Meetup have lots of lesbian and womens groups, so why not start there?
In my local area there's a monthly newby event which is a great place to start and remember that you can take all this at your own pace.

PM me if you'd like some private advice and support.

Good luck.

Not at all jabbercocky Sounds like she was a classic homosexual in denial. Not her fault - we live in a society which makes coming out - even to oneself - extremely unpleasant. And you haven't answered my question about whether you would insist she tells him if she was only attracted to other men. And what you would suggest she does if he tries to use her sexuality against her during the divorce (as many men do).

I would suggest she tell him that she was attracted to other men. I would suggest she tell the truth whatever the reason.

As for using her sexuality against her during the divorce, I fail to see what weighting a court gives that. They give no weighting to heterosexual infidelity these days.

How has she wasted his life?, she had two children to him, that's not a waste surely and he must have known on some level.
I honestly think she owes him fuck all beyond, I no longer want to be with you and I'm getting a divorce.

There it is!

So he should be grateful for the two kids and forget about having any authentic and emotionally fulfilling relationship with another person whereas she is entitled to that.

Good ol’ MN sexist double standards.

And “must have known at some level” - get that victim blaming in too.

Hes no victim, marriages/partnerships end all the time, its part and parcel of life. Theres no guarantees about anything in life. His relationship with OP is dead in the water, she needs to leave him and he needs to move on. He can have a fulfilling relationship with someone but it wont be OP.

Marriages and relationships do end all the time...but his was a fraudulent sham from the outset and that is the crucial difference.

Jabbercocky your er, cockiness is showing.

Clearly you don't know (or don't care) about the risky situation women are in when ending a relationship with a man.

Saying "I want to sleep with other men" or "I fancy women" is like waving a red flag at a bull for some men - even some who were never violent before. 2-3 women pay with their lives every week. End it cleanly and with the minimum of drama, OP. It doesn't matter who you do want to be with - the fact is you don't want to be with him. Next!

Yes, men don’t deserve the truth because they all turn into wife killers. I see your point now.

One step at a time, you are unhappy so need to take steps to end your relationship. If you come out and break up all at once it might be a bit much for you and everyone else to process.

I have had relationships with men and women and i know that before I had been with women i felt an itch that absolutely had to be scratched in order for me to remain sane!

I know in an ideal world 'coming out' wouldn't be a thing, but it is a thing, its a big one. It was when i did 12 years ago and it is now.

I know this is no help but i've sort of been through what you are going through and its not as scary as you expect it to be (coming out that is).

Good luck, and try to not feel guilty. The world makes coming out so scary that people often end up in hetero relationships they perhaps wouldnt be in if things were different. Take care.

Relationship russian roulette seems to be what you're proposing jabbercocky. Not every chamber has to be loaded in order to make it a very risky move. And, guess what, it's not your head the gun's pointing at is it?, so i guess you can afford to MRA to your tiny heart's content.

RuffleCrow - I never said she should apologise for her sexuality. She should apologise however, for wasting this guy’s life because she lacked the courage to be honest with the World and herself and entrenching the future hurt by having children with him. If you’re the type of person who believes a marriage deserves no honesty then I can’t convince you but do you honestly think that if she left giving no truly credible reason that this itself would not be traumatic either? He deserves real closure and that demands real honesty.

Im fairly sure she does feel guilty. But denial can have a very VERY strong hold on people, and unless you are gay or bi with an-accepting family / circle - you have no idea what she is feeling like.

I feel sorry for her DH of course. But his life isnt over! He can meet someone else himself and find happiness that he never would have with the OP.

*unaccepting that should read sorry

Not gay no but asexual. Finally found out what I was and decided I didn't want to married anymore as I have never fancied him and don' want to be in any relationship as I'm aromatic also.
Much huffing and puffing in my family, mum thinks I'm nuts and there is no such thing.
Living on my own is the best thing I ever did, I'm finally happy after many years of being miserable trying to maintain relationships I don't want.
Go for it, you only live once. When I look back at my life before now I could weep for all the lost years in the wilderness not really being what I want to be.

I don't really get the logic behind "I feel guilty about having pulled the wool over his eyes so the best thing will be to continue pulling the wool over his eyes".

My ex cheated on me, and wrote emails to OW saying he had never loved me, ever. At first I thought he'd wasted my time and made a mockery of my life. But then I thought "Fuck that, I'm not going to let him dictate the meaning of my life". At the time I believed he loved me. Time can't be wasted in retrospect.

The question of whether OP should say she is gay is moot unless she is planning to hide any future relationships from her children, or live in celibacy.

It's interesting the contrast between this thread and the one about the woman whose husband has been cheating on her with men.

How would that be that similar, given that OP hasn't cheated on anyone?