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Original poster

Advice needed hes stopped wanting sex...

88 replies

Justmeagain81 · 09/09/2019 14:54

Hi all
In newish relationship (2 months or so, friends much longer). Hes a lovely man, caring & supportive. Hes going through a tricky time with his ex & in court process to get contact with his dc as she is witholding contact.
Our sex life was great, & hes rebuilt my confidence in that respect after i had a sexless marriage.
At the weekend he told me he doesnt want us to have sex until everything is sorted out with his dc, he says sex complicates things for him. I can see logically how that would make sense. But its left me feeling rejected & pushed away, i ve spoken to him about it, he assures me sex is amazing & that he wants to, that its not about me, he wants us to be strong as a couple etc. But i can't shake this feeling of rejection, hurt & being pushed away.
Any advice? At the min i feel like this will break us & i don't want that to happen.

OP posts:
imclaustrophobicdarren · 09/09/2019 14:56

How does having sex have anything to do with his messy situation with his children?

PurpleWithRed · 09/09/2019 14:57

Do you believe his reasoning? If so I'd say you should respect his wishes and not take it personally. If you don't believe him then I'd say you should probably walk away for both your sakes.

Original poster
Justmeagain81 · 09/09/2019 14:57

I dont know, he says it complicates things for him

OP posts:
gamerchick · 09/09/2019 14:59

It's early on, just tell him to get back on touch when he's in a better place so he can concentrate on his business. Then carry on with your life.

Karkasaurus · 09/09/2019 14:59

Sounds awful, OP! I'd be very concerned something dodgy was behind this as that sounds like a rubbish excuse

Original poster
Justmeagain81 · 09/09/2019 15:00

Thanks all, im concerned too, also heartbroken hes such a lovely man

OP posts:
MumofTinies · 09/09/2019 15:01

Personally I would walk away, you've only been together a few weeks. It sounds like he is just using this messy situation as an excuse.

hellsbellsmelons · 09/09/2019 15:02

he told me he doesnt want us to have sex until everything is sorted out
I would tell him to 100% concentrate on getting everything sorted out.
That means 100%.
I would walk away for now and leave him to get his life back on track.
Once he's ready, if you aren't with anyone else, then you can start to date him again.
For now though, he's making it clear that he is not interested.
It's too soon and he is not ready.
Take a huge step back.
Give him a shit tonne of space.
Let him sort his baggage out.
It's gonna take time so don't wait around for him.
Do not be the rebound GF.
Do not be an option.

Juells · 09/09/2019 15:04

Rubbish excuse. Men don't care how much sex complicates their lives when they're into it.

As PP suggested, tell him to get back in touch when he's free, in the meantime get on with your life.

Karkasaurus · 09/09/2019 15:04

I would break up over this. I'm sure he seems lovely, but this isn't a lovely thing to do.

Juells · 09/09/2019 15:06

It could be that he has a very low sex drive, the excitement of a new relationship helps, but the effect wears off after a while. No matter which way you look at it, given your history I wouldn't want to be involved with a man who makes sex more complicated than it needs to be.

Original poster
Justmeagain81 · 09/09/2019 15:08

Thanks all, much appreciated

OP posts:
Original poster
Justmeagain81 · 09/09/2019 15:12

Absolutely heartbroken

OP posts:
Karkasaurus · 09/09/2019 15:15

I'm sorry, OP. It's rotten. Flowers

Original poster
Justmeagain81 · 09/09/2019 15:15

Thank you

OP posts:
DecomposingComposers · 09/09/2019 15:18

Surely he has every right to say that he doesn't want sex and not to have to justify his reasons? He doesn't want to. That's reason enough, no?

And what sexist clap trap is this Men don't care how much sex complicates their lives when they're into it.

If the op doesn't want to continue the relationship then that's up to her. I just don't think anyone should feel obliged to have sex, or to be criticised for not wanting not have it.

Karkasaurus · 09/09/2019 15:23

Of course he has every right to. But equally, the OP has every right to expect a partner to want to have sex with her. I would be devastated if someone said they didn't want to have sex with me at all.

Original poster
Justmeagain81 · 09/09/2019 15:26

I absolutely respect his right to say he doesnt want to have sex. Im just struggling with how rejected im feeling & how to just stop having sex whilst other stuff is being sorted.
Im really upset as hes so lovely, continues to hold me, kiss me, tell me im gorgeous etc, i was happier than i had been for years. I dont want to break us.

OP posts:
barryfromclareisfit · 09/09/2019 15:28

Just run.
Block him.
Think of him as a pleasant distraction.
Don’t give him any power. He’s trying to control you - no sex till he says? What next? Sit when he sits, stand when he stands?
You’ve had the best of him, regained some confidence, now move on.

Username22344 · 09/09/2019 15:28

How old are you and him?

hellsbellsmelons · 09/09/2019 15:29

Of course that is totally his prerogative.
As it's the OP's to want a relationship with sex just 2 months in.
If he doesn't want sex in this honeymoon phase then it doesn't bode well for the future, and OP can end a relationship over anything.
And lack of interest and sex is her reasoning.

And what sexist clap trap is this Hardly - men are well know to able to compartmentalise their lives - far more easily than a woman can.
It's just a fact of life!

Original poster
Justmeagain81 · 09/09/2019 15:31

We are in our 30s.
Going to talk to him about it again but i think its going to end us

OP posts:
DecomposingComposers · 09/09/2019 15:35

But equally, the OP has every right to expect a partner to want to have sex with her. I would be devastated if someone said they didn't want to have sex with me at all.

So in a relationship a man has every right to expect that his partner has sex with him does he? I think that's very dangerous ground.

The man has explained that, right now, he doesn't want to have a sexual relationship, for whatever reason. Of course the op has the right to decide whether she would like to continue the relationship but without sex or whether she would like to end it.

toadabode · 09/09/2019 15:36

How odd. I wonder if there's something else going on? Has he perhaps attended a sexual health clinic and had some unfortunate results? Perhaps he's trying to protect you until he received treatment? Or perhaps as others have suggested he just isn't that into you sexually. Either way I think it's highly unlikely that the reason for going from having regular sex to abstaining is true. It's the lies that would upset me the most. Perhaps try to have one last discussion with him about it

Karkasaurus · 09/09/2019 15:38

I don't think being a man or a woman has anything to do with it. I think it's completely normal to expect that your sexual partner wants to have sex with you.