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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice needed hes stopped wanting sex...

88 replies

Justmeagain81 · 09/09/2019 14:54

Hi all
In newish relationship (2 months or so, friends much longer). Hes a lovely man, caring & supportive. Hes going through a tricky time with his ex & in court process to get contact with his dc as she is witholding contact.
Our sex life was great, & hes rebuilt my confidence in that respect after i had a sexless marriage.
At the weekend he told me he doesnt want us to have sex until everything is sorted out with his dc, he says sex complicates things for him. I can see logically how that would make sense. But its left me feeling rejected & pushed away, i ve spoken to him about it, he assures me sex is amazing & that he wants to, that its not about me, he wants us to be strong as a couple etc. But i can't shake this feeling of rejection, hurt & being pushed away.
Any advice? At the min i feel like this will break us & i don't want that to happen.

OP posts:
DecomposingComposers · 09/09/2019 15:38

Maybe he's concerned about the possibility of pregnancy and given his current situation would rather avoid sex at the moment?

Whenaretheholidaysover · 09/09/2019 15:39

That does sound odd and doesn’t make sense if you have just started a sexual relationship.

Jellybeansincognito · 09/09/2019 15:41

Relationship red flag- you’re 2 months in and deserve some respect.
This is a weird way to treat someone in the best stage of a relationship.

It makes me feel sad to see you trying to figure out a way forward with him.
I think you need to find some love for yourself and find a man who wants to not play games with you.

Good luck!

sheshootssheimplores · 09/09/2019 15:43

Fuck that. He’s messing with your emotions already. Do as a pp says and walk away completely. He can come find you again once he is ready for an adult relationship.

DecomposingComposers · 09/09/2019 15:46

Oh the double standards on here are staggering.

Can you imagine the reverse of this - a woman has gone off of sex because of emotional stuff going on in her life. Not 1 poster would be telling her partner to leave because he has the right to expect sex or that she is fucking with his emotions.

Karkasaurus · 09/09/2019 15:48

I would have the same advice for my male friends in this situation. It isn't healthy to date someone when you want to have sex with them and they don't want to have sex with you. It will be terrible for your self esteem.

sheshootssheimplores · 09/09/2019 15:51

I would advise a man exactly the same. Leave the woman alone as shes obviously not ready for a full relationship as she’s dealing with her ex. Withholding sex whilst still holding hands and cuddling is a mind fuck on month two. Particularly if you already know your partner has had s sexless relationship previously that destroyed their self esteem. That’s cruel.

bluebell64 · 09/09/2019 15:53

I personally find it odd, but maybe that is his way of dealing with the trauma from court, maybe you can suggest him visiting a therapist? If you love this man, show him your support, but also ask for some sort of assurance that this is what he feels, as it is upsetting you and you feel rejected.

baileys6904 · 09/09/2019 15:59

If this was the other way round, posters would be telling the OP to support his partner and calling him every name under the sun for thinking about walking.
OP, only you can decide whether the relationship is worth waiting for or not. I would suggest theres a level of integrity to a man that doesnt want to just have sex when their heart isnt in it. It also shows an amount of respect for you.
Strangely, which may surprise some of the posters, men arent just walking penises that eat and sleep and shag. They have feelings and emotions just the same as we do. Only you know the person

pooopypants · 09/09/2019 16:03

I can only imagine the responses if this situation was flipped. It certainly wouldn't be to run away!

Have you considered that its affecting his emotions and therefore is uninterested in bedroom activities?

You are being a bit sensitive though IMO, this isn't about you. It's about everything else that's going on in his life.

Speak to him. Tell him how you feel and try to not make it all about you.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 09/09/2019 16:08

I think he sounds sensible. If he is the sort of person who doesn't separate sex and emotions, then being more and more involved with a new partner while still fighting in court with an old one would be very confusing and upsetting.

It sounds like he's just trying to do the right thing. If you don't want to wait while he sorts his situation out, then that's fine, but I don't think he's being odd in wanting to exercise a little caution here.

hellsbellsmelons · 09/09/2019 16:08

If this was the other way round, posters would be telling the OP to support his partner and calling him every name under the sun for thinking about walking
Not a chance.
2 months in!
I'd be giving the same advice to either sex.

Original poster
Justmeagain81 · 09/09/2019 16:50

Thanks everyone for your thoughts

OP posts:
Jellybeansincognito · 09/09/2019 17:25

Exactly @hellsbellsmelons 2 months in there’s no need to have this conversation, you’d just decline sex and say you’re not feeling up to it.

A loving stable full on relationship- it’s normal to have bouts of not being up for it and that’s ok, a conversation about it would help both sides.

NameChangeNugget · 09/09/2019 17:51

I agree with @DecomposingComposers

Staggering double standards on here. He has a choice and so do you

Notcoolmum · 09/09/2019 18:02

What does he mean? He doesn't want to have sex but still be in a committed relationship with you? Or he doesn't want a relationship with you whilst this is going on? I'd say the message here isn't clear and you need to see you are on the same page.

Original poster
Justmeagain81 · 09/09/2019 18:14

He wants a committed relationship with me, but no sex for the forseeable future

OP posts:
AMALDO · 09/09/2019 18:30

What do you want OP? Surely that's what's important here. I'd take a step back and let him get his life in order and use that time to think about what you want from a relationship. Good luck whatever you decide. Flowers

Ragwort · 09/09/2019 18:31

Also agree with decomposing, what double standards. You've only been dating for 2 months, maybe he's embarrassed that he rushed into sex too quickly and wished he'd waited a little longer.

What is he suggesting now - does he still want to have a 'serious' & 'exclusive' relationship or just to meet occasionally for a friendly night out?

But it's up to you, if sex is that important to you then you have every right to end the relationship (personally I would love to be in a sex free relationship Grin).

Onacleardayyoucansee · 09/09/2019 18:50

Youve only been with him for a little while.

As others have suggested, back right off.

If he wants you he knows where you are.
I wouldn't be emotionally propping him up, giving him all the good couple stuff if he is witholding sex.

It would be different if you hadnt had sex already and were waiting/taking it slow.

Juells · 09/09/2019 18:53

Surely he has every right to say that he doesn't want sex and not to have to justify his reasons? He doesn't want to. That's reason enough, no?

Anyone, male or female, who says they want to stop having sex two months into a relationship has sexual problems. Paint that in any way you like, it's only going to get worse.

Juells · 09/09/2019 18:54

Forgot to say he has every right not to want to have sex, and the OP has every right to consider how that will affect her in the future.

Juells · 09/09/2019 18:56

Christ on a bike, sometimes I wonder if some posters have ever met any actual MEN 😂

Thornhill58 · 09/09/2019 19:05

An ex of mine said that to me. He ended things and went back to his wife.
They were on a break and he wanted to apear to her as untouched.
He then look for my sister and she didn't listen an had a child with him.
He left her kid and all.
Don't get played don't waste your time.

Karkasaurus · 09/09/2019 19:09

I agree, this indicates sexual dysfunction to me. I don't think some PPs on the thread appreciate exactly how important sex is for bonding and nurturing a burgeoning relationship.

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