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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice needed hes stopped wanting sex...

88 replies

Justmeagain81 · 09/09/2019 14:54

Hi all
In newish relationship (2 months or so, friends much longer). Hes a lovely man, caring & supportive. Hes going through a tricky time with his ex & in court process to get contact with his dc as she is witholding contact.
Our sex life was great, & hes rebuilt my confidence in that respect after i had a sexless marriage.
At the weekend he told me he doesnt want us to have sex until everything is sorted out with his dc, he says sex complicates things for him. I can see logically how that would make sense. But its left me feeling rejected & pushed away, i ve spoken to him about it, he assures me sex is amazing & that he wants to, that its not about me, he wants us to be strong as a couple etc. But i can't shake this feeling of rejection, hurt & being pushed away.
Any advice? At the min i feel like this will break us & i don't want that to happen.

OP posts:
DecomposingComposers · 09/09/2019 19:10

Anyone, male or female, who says they want to stop having sex two months into a relationship has sexual problems.

What? It's not the law that you have to have sex you know.

Maybe the emotional impact of the court case is affecting his libido? Maybe he is depressed? Maybe he's on medication causing ED?

Maybe he is worried about risking an unplanned pregnancy (frequently see on here posted saying that everytime a man has sex he has to accept that a pregnancy may occur and that the only way for him to prevent it is abstinence).

Original poster
Justmeagain81 · 09/09/2019 19:18

Thanks all, i just dont know....

OP posts:
Juells · 09/09/2019 19:18

What? It's not the law that you have to have sex you know.

It's not the law that you're entitled to have a relationship, either.

Karkasaurus · 09/09/2019 19:23

It's not the law, but it is a biological imperative. It's not like eating biscuits.

CTRLALTDELETED · 09/09/2019 20:05

So he just wants to be mates then?

Original poster
Justmeagain81 · 09/09/2019 21:01

No, he wants a relationship. We had a arguement about it tonight. It all stems from when i tried to have a conversation about sex as he doesnt always please me (i did not use those words) ... sex has now become a massive issue

OP posts:
DecomposingComposers · 09/09/2019 21:05

It's not the law that you're entitled to have a relationship, either.

Who said they're entitled to a relationship? I have seen it said on here that a partner can have an expectation of sex.

Karkasaurus · 09/09/2019 21:14

Oh dear. He doesn't sound like a catch.

Juells · 09/09/2019 21:16

Who said they're entitled to a relationship? I have seen it said on here that a partner can have an expectation of sex.

They're not even partners, just been bf and gf for a couple of months, and already he's removing sex from the 'relationship'. He's sexually dysfunctional, trying to get back with ex-wife, or something else is going on. But something is going on, and it isn't for the OP's benefit.

DecomposingComposers · 09/09/2019 21:34

But why does the reason matter? Why are you throwing "sexually dysfunctional" around as though it's an insult?

He could have a million reasons as to why he doesn't want to have sex. It doesn't matter. Many women might have sexual dysfunction, it's not a failing on their part.

He's said he doesn't want to have sex right now but would like to continue the relationship. Op can now decide if she wants to continue on that basis. If she doesn't she can walk away.

I don't get the need to belittle him or insult him or insinuate that there is some sort of nefarious reason behind his decision.

He's got the right, as has she, to decide to stop having sex at any point.

PennyPittstop · 09/09/2019 21:58

At two months in he ought to be bonking you at every available opportunity. I completely understand that the emotional stress he is going through at the moment might make him want to take a backwards step. If you really like him, I'd suggest you take a backwards step & treat him like a close friend until he is ready to move forward. Please don't sit around waiting for him to sort himself out though. Get out there and meet other people. Keep your options open because you don't know how long he will take to resolve his issues.

PicsInRed · 09/09/2019 22:28

I would be concerned that he's abusive and that he's using his knowledge of your prior sexless marriage to get you right where the most trauma lies.

How much do you know about why his divorce is going through court? Have you seen the court papers - including the wife's submissions?

I'd be very wary of this one.

DecomposingComposers · 09/09/2019 22:31

At two months in he ought to be bonking you at every available opportunity.

What? Why? Does that go for women too? Is there an expectation that at 8 weeks women are booking their boyfriends at every available opportunity?

PinkFlamingoAteMyLipstick · 09/09/2019 22:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrPebbles · 09/09/2019 22:53

He's playing you. He's either sleeping with his ex. Or he is trying to. And wants to be able to look her in the eye and say he wasn't sleeping with you. But he is keeping you on the back burner in case that doesn't work out.

AMAM8916 · 09/09/2019 22:59

I would say that he is saying to stop having sex while this is going on because he's scared you may see and experience things that happen with him when he is stressed and run a mile.

Such as not being able to hold an erection maybe, struggling to climax, climaxing too fast etc. There's many reasons and he may have felt these were starting to surface and thought the best way to avoid embarrassment/you seeing this is to refrain, sort the issue then be free to have sex without the worry.

Bare in mind as well that he had sex and created a child and now he is in court going through hell just to see this child. I can't imagine that sex is that appealing right now.

Scott72 · 09/09/2019 23:12

"I would be concerned that he's abusive"

I don't think so. I don't think its helpful to be lobbing accusations of abuse whenever a man does anything to make a woman unhappy, without good reason. He's just gone off sex due to the stress of the divorce. But he phrased it in a really poor way. I think they are just incompatible. Nothing personal, but she should probably break up.

Karkasaurus · 09/09/2019 23:24

Yes, it goes for women too. I would expect anyone to want to have sex with their sexual partner (clue is in the name). Stop trying to make this into an issue that doesn't exist.

DecomposingComposers · 10/09/2019 00:09

Yes, it goes for women too. I would expect anyone to want to have sex with their sexual partner (clue is in the name). Stop trying to make this into an issue that doesn't exist.

I'm just shocked that there is such expectation on everyone to be having sex that's all.

Karkasaurus · 10/09/2019 00:20

Well, that's what a sexual relationship is. But you can have lots of other types of relationships where it's not expected to have sex. Like the relationship you have with your friends, parents, or children. But a sexual, romantic relationship does come with the expectation that you want to have sex with each other.

DecomposingComposers · 10/09/2019 00:27

But you can have a romantic relationship without having sex. Some people choose to wait a bit before having sex - it's not unheard of. Not having sex doesn't make it a platonic relationship.

Op wants sex, he doesn't. Neither are wrong. If op doesn't want to continue the relationship then that's completely her choice. All she needs to do is end it.

I'm not sure why there has to be so many derogatory comments about this man tbh just because he has decided that he's not in a good place to be having sex right now.

They both just want different things. I don't think anyone can have the expectation of sex tbh.

Karkasaurus · 10/09/2019 00:29

That's fine. But I've certainly never come across anyone before who thought it would be OK to get into a relationship with someone and then immediately withdraw from their sex life.

chickenyhead · 10/09/2019 00:48

We had a arguement about it tonight. It all stems from when i tried to have a conversation about sex as he doesnt always please me (i did not use those words) ... sex has now become a massive issue

That will be the problem, right there.

He does not feel good enough.

At the same time he is having to prove to a court that he is good enough to be a dad. DC comes first.

He doesn't want to let you down but he also cannot focus on this right now. A relationship is supposed to be a safe place

DecomposingComposers · 10/09/2019 00:52

That's fine. But I've certainly never come across anyone before who thought it would be OK to get into a relationship with someone and then immediately withdraw from their sex life.

But that's suggesting that if you start a sexual relationship with someone then you are beholden to continue with it even if, for some reason, you change your mind or something happens that makes you want to stop for a while. It is ok for anyone to say, at any time, that they don't want to have sex.

Of course, their partner might decide to end the relationship as a result but I don't think anyone should ever be made to feel that it isn't ok to say you want to change your mind.

There's too much pressure on people to have sex and I think that does lead to people doing it when they don't want to because of societal pressure that suggests there's something wrong with you if you aren't going at it constantly.

chickenyhead · 10/09/2019 00:54

Never thought I would say it but 100% agree with @decomposing