DH suddenly becoming mean

[Mummy3574]

We've been together almost ten years and married for four. He's almost always treated me with love and respect. When we had a baby and I became impatient and quite unreasonable for the first year, he was so supportive, patient and forgiving.

Now he has been a SAHP for 6 months. On top of that he is a trailing spouse - he has followed me and my job to a new country. The two aren't connected (he became a SAHP before I got the job offer) but both made sense to do together.

Since he became a SAHP to our difficult toddler, he's become a lot more impatient and sharp with me. He's a wonderful dad, but well, he's not as nice to me any more. He sometimes says things that are unintentionally a bit mean or make me feel bad. I call him out, he apologises, and we're fine for a bit. I've tried to put it down to the stress of looking after our toddler. But it makes me feel less affectionate towards him. We just don't look after each other any more because we're so busy looking after our child.

Yesterday he became inwardly angry at something I said - we were on a bus having a really nice time with our toddler and I'd disagreed with a parenting decision he made. I could see he was furious - he sat down with a huff and then he said something to me that very deliberately unkind and very condescending - it was the most horrible thing anyone had every said to me. This was literally the first time after ten years together.

He came back later, apologised profusely, said it was unacceptable. He can't explain why he said it. I told him I could not be with someone who talked to me that way. We haven't had a chance to talk properly yet.

The thing is I don't know how much headspace to give this. I don't think this is who he is, but I'm scared this is who he becoming. He's always feared being like his dad, who can be very mean, and DH has always consciously gone completely the other way until now. I will try to do a bit more to support him at home because I know he's juggling a lot and is lonely in new country and stressed from dealing with tantrums every day. And obviously because I can understand how he must feel to be a SAHP and I can see he has it a lot worse. But I've always managed to keep my tongue on check before saying something horrible that I knew I'd regret. I'm really upset that he couldn't do the same for me.

We both have short memories for arguments thankfully, but I don't think I'm going to forget this one. I'm struggling to verbalise all my feelings about this. What's the best way to approach this? How forgiving should I be given the circumstances? I want to repair our relationship but I also have a low tolerance for this kind of behaviour. I could suggest counselling but I don't think we can afford it in the country we are in.

💐

Can you give it's a vague idea what he said?

Being a SAHP is really hard for a lot of people and in a new country with no friends even worse. As a bloke and depending on what country he may find it much harder to get to know others.

Where are you. Would he want pt job or is that not possible. I found being at home with young kids awful and am much happier working ft. It's not for everyone.

If i were you i would sit down when you are both feeling ok and kid in bed and see if you can find out between you what is going on and try to make a plan to make better.

His treating you like this is not acceptable. But i suspect he's a bit miserable i know i would be.

Yes, you need to make time to talk properly and find out how he's feeling and make a plan to improve things for him. I was a sahm in my home country and surrounded by family and it was often lonely; I can't imagine how your dh is feeling. Obviously that's no excuse for being horrible but I think he needs help rather than having a go.

Next time he's mean to you tell him straight. 'You're turning into your Dad'.

Thanks for your advice. Yes I should talk to him and be kind - I am literally the only person he knows in this country! We are in Asia where people don't even try to hide their shock that we moved because of my job and that he's a SAHP.

I just feel a bit sad - like something is a bit broken between us and maybe it has been for a while, and the love and trust I had for this lovely guy is slowly ebbing away.

I came on Mumsnet a ago because we were tired and arguing a lot sand I received a lot of good advice being kinder to each other and to treasure what we have. And it helped make day to day life better, but I'm starting to feel like we have lost what we had and I don't know if we can get it back.

It's DH's choice to a SAHP. I would support him if he wanted to get a job (he's more than qualified), but he doesn't know what he wants right now. Volunteering would be nice but we'd have to pay for childcare and which is unaffordable at the moment.

It must be really hard and isolating for him.being in a country where he knows noone and where men aren't sahp. Doesn't excuse his behaviour but it makes it more understandable. I wouldn't like to be in a country where I couldn't make friends because of my role and my only contact was my husband and child.

Sounds tough all round.

I hope things improve quickly b

I feel like he's not helping himself either though. Yesterday he was meant to have the day to himself as a bit of a break, but he didn't make any plans, and even after our argument and I curtly told him to have a nice day, he came to where we were hanging out, to apologise, bit also because he didn't know what else to do with him time.

I think we're both struggling with him being the primary care giver. He's used to taking the lead with toddler - snacks, control of the stroller, nappy changes. I don't get much of a look in when I try to help. And he doesn't like it when I offer advice because he knows our toddler best.

OP, I can sense how sad you are at this breakdown in communication.

Obviously your husband has said something very hurtful and it's ringing in your ears.

However, unless you have lived in Asia with young children, a spouse working long hours, the heat, the complete change of environment, and the particular loneliness that you can feel being all day with a toddler it is hard to imagine the stress of it.

You are working, no doubt hard, but you have maintained a continuous link to your old life through being working.
His life has been turned upside down.

I am not excusing his unkindness for a minute. But I am saying he may be feeling very lonely and distressed.

Long term, visa wise, could he work? Could you employ a local childminder?

If he can't work, can you source a playschool or something similar so that he can get out of the house, go to the gym, find some outlet. Could he do further study for example via the Open University etc.

It's a very different environment and not everyone adjusts.

I lived in Asia for several years when my husband had a posting there. I didn't have children but I met lots of women that did. I saw up very close what it can be like.
It's not easy and it can put a lot of strain on a marriage.

I suggest you both sit down and talk through how you both are feeling.
How he is feeling about what he is doing.
And think of strategies and a plan to make this relocation work for both of you.

Wishing you the best.

I'm sure you're right. In my experience though once you are in the daily drudge of childcare it is difficult to know what to do when you get some time off. Plus, he doesn't have any friends or family there... What would he do? I'm sure there are things for him but maybe he needs help to identify what there are. Or maybe you both need to ask yourselves if it can work in the new country and think about a time limit for deciding it hasn't worked out. Just having some agency in that way can help.

Thanks. He does make time for the gym and has sport lined up. He doesn't make friends easily though.

He has a PhD so I don't think he wants to do any further study. He was so disastisfied with with work back home, he just let his contract expire without trying to find another job. Maybe in retrospect it wasn't the wisest time to move abroad. But he said before I ever did that he wanted to work in this part of Asia and since my employer has an office here, it seemed to make sense that we go with my job and give him a base so he could look himself. But I see the same patterns of inactivity repeating themselves here. ☹️

I see what you are saying but you are making the double mistakes of treating childcare as inactivity (although I'm aware you can't really think that) and imagining that going from having a sahp to 2 working parents in the family is a straightforward transition for all of you. I'm not suggesting he is justified in being horrible or that he doesn't have responsibility for his own happiness but maybe you need to take a hit on childcare so he can fund a job. That was certainly always a big mental and practical block for me when job hunting.

But I don't want to sound like you're wrong and he's right - I don't know your life. Talk.

*find, not fund a job

So looking after your child you class an inactivity even thou he left his job family and friends behind to be with you when you moved jobs?

Try be more considerate. Hardly surprising he is starting to be snappy.

Sounds like he's struggling with the move and his change in the family dynamic - still doesn't excuse his behaviour mind you.

When I started my first mat leave after having my first dd I felt completely lost. I'd lost my identity, I didn't know what todo with myself. Sounds similar to your dh, and to make matters worse he's no friends or hobbies to occupy or remind himself of who he is.

I think a sit down and a proper chat about it as it can't continue like this if he's going to be using you as a verbal punchbag

Him being a SAHP is not working for you as a family. He's hiding from his career crisis. Time to point this out. He needs a job, any job that covers the childcare bills while he decides/takes advice on what to do next.

I was a trailing spouse. It is brutal to be honest. You are a nobody. You have no historical context with anyone. You are an alien and end up alienated. You loose so much sense of self. That is ON TOP of the expected loneliness and isolation that comes with being the primary carer of babies/young children. Add to that, Asian attitudes to men and women - well.....
It sound hard for you both. I highly recommend reading some of the old threads about trailing spouses to get good insight into how he might be feeling right. I reckon if he feels you understand him you will get very far indeed.
Good luck. It is not easy.

Also what TowelNumber2 said

@25Sunflowers211 I meant inactivity as in not actively job hunting even though he's known his contract was coming to an end.
I consider his job as a SAHP harder than mine and we both joke a bit that I get a bit of a break from our toddler by going to work.

@Simkin see above. I fully support him having a job, he's the one who isn't looking. I said if he wants more time to think about what he wants we could give it until next year when our toddler is 3 and it would be better if he was in nursery.

I guess what I mean about childcare being expensive is that we can't afford for him to volunteer for a puppy shelter or something, he'd actually have to get a reasonably well paid job.

Thanks all for sharing your experiences. I agree that it would be better if he could he find work, or at least make plans to do so. But he's a terrible procrastinator (which is one reason he is a SAHP now) - i find it impossible to try to change him. ☹️

It's so hard to live abroad as the trailing spouse. I'm also in Asia. I'm not in exactly your husband's position, I came here of my own volition, met my husband who is a native of this country and we have lived here together for three years (I was here for three years before that.)

I do NOT enjoy living in this country. I will never enjoy it, not fully. It is hard to make friends with locals although I have a couple, and foreign friends come and go so it becomes exhausting as you have to constantly 'replace' people. As such, I basically only have two or three friends here and try to focus on family life.

We both work and I'm pregnant with my first, but I would love to go home. We're not in a position to do so now for various reasons. We're here for his work, his family. He can see his friends who he's known since he was 10 any time he wants. He can eat food he loves every day. He can go to the doctor and not have everyone in the waiting room staring at him. He can improve his career. He can easily engage in hobbies that he enjoys. So yes, I feel resentful at times. I feel like motherfucker, how dare you be grumpy with me when you can do whatever you want and I am sacrificing so much for you.

BUT. It's NOT my husband's fault that we're here and it's not his fault that I dislike so many aspects of his culture. If I wanted, I could go home any time. It is totally my choice and your husband needs to understand that he can't use you as a punching bag because it is HIS CHOICE to be there. He can leave any time.

At the same time, it is SO HARD. Yes, I snap at my husband sometimes, yes, I make snippy comments, but I try really hard to never insult him (I've done it once and I still remember it) and I try really hard to not insult his culture but tbh there are so many shitty things that happen here that it's really hard. But I remind myself daily that it's my choice to be here. I chose to marry him, chose to have children with him, chose to live here for his career until we can go to the UK.

Is there a possibility of going to couples therapy? We're considering that before the baby comes, not because our marriage is a disaster but just to help us out a little.

Another thing that helps us is getting out as much as we can. Hiking or cycling or just going to a cafe and reading together. Going to a different city or even just a different restaurant.

"i find it impossible to try to change him" - you can't change him. You can only accept him or leave him. Marriages would be happier if people realised that early on.

I know that it's not exactly the same situation but you need to find a balance between understanding his frustrations but not putting up with his shit. It's really hard.

What did he say and what parenting decision did you disagree with?

As a trailing spouse it can be so isolating that little things can build up into huge things. The biggest rows DH and I have ever had was when we were abroad for his job.