DH suddenly becoming mean

[Mummy3574]

We've been together almost ten years and married for four. He's almost always treated me with love and respect. When we had a baby and I became impatient and quite unreasonable for the first year, he was so supportive, patient and forgiving.

Now he has been a SAHP for 6 months. On top of that he is a trailing spouse - he has followed me and my job to a new country. The two aren't connected (he became a SAHP before I got the job offer) but both made sense to do together.

Since he became a SAHP to our difficult toddler, he's become a lot more impatient and sharp with me. He's a wonderful dad, but well, he's not as nice to me any more. He sometimes says things that are unintentionally a bit mean or make me feel bad. I call him out, he apologises, and we're fine for a bit. I've tried to put it down to the stress of looking after our toddler. But it makes me feel less affectionate towards him. We just don't look after each other any more because we're so busy looking after our child.

Yesterday he became inwardly angry at something I said - we were on a bus having a really nice time with our toddler and I'd disagreed with a parenting decision he made. I could see he was furious - he sat down with a huff and then he said something to me that very deliberately unkind and very condescending - it was the most horrible thing anyone had every said to me. This was literally the first time after ten years together.

He came back later, apologised profusely, said it was unacceptable. He can't explain why he said it. I told him I could not be with someone who talked to me that way. We haven't had a chance to talk properly yet.

The thing is I don't know how much headspace to give this. I don't think this is who he is, but I'm scared this is who he becoming. He's always feared being like his dad, who can be very mean, and DH has always consciously gone completely the other way until now. I will try to do a bit more to support him at home because I know he's juggling a lot and is lonely in new country and stressed from dealing with tantrums every day. And obviously because I can understand how he must feel to be a SAHP and I can see he has it a lot worse. But I've always managed to keep my tongue on check before saying something horrible that I knew I'd regret. I'm really upset that he couldn't do the same for me.

We both have short memories for arguments thankfully, but I don't think I'm going to forget this one. I'm struggling to verbalise all my feelings about this. What's the best way to approach this? How forgiving should I be given the circumstances? I want to repair our relationship but I also have a low tolerance for this kind of behaviour. I could suggest counselling but I don't think we can afford it in the country we are in.

Another point if you're in HK - he's entitled to work, set up his own business or freelance on his dependent visa, which opens up a raft of opportunities. Could he take on some p/t consultancy work, perhaps?

No you're wrong, his words were very specific, he was not just swearing at me, and I don't want to put something so hurtful down in writing on a thread that I have no control over except to delete it. I have had plenty of good advice without needing to go into specifics.

Then no one can give you specific advice but hurtful could also be anything from “LTB” to “you’re overreacting” and everything in between.

Anyway, good luck.

Does he speak the local language?

@QueenKong101 not HK but similar 😉. Thank you though.

I would have thought it likely he's very hurt by your clear perception of him as someone who is lazy.

I didnt get from the OP that she thought her DH is lazy.
That he is lost and has no idea of what to do with his life. That he is a master in procastinating.
And that he can be quite happy to let other people take the lead.
But not lazy.

The more information you post the more I wonder if the living overseas part it really the issue or whether it is just highlighting issues that were already there.
I don't get the sense that you have much respect for him at the moment despite the fact that he is doing a very hard thing.

OP specifically posted that she thinks he's lazy.

Perhaps if everyone looks at this from the OP's point of view they can see where her problem is?

Her OP has a PHD (now, unless he is a chemist he does not need this in most jobs so there is perhaps an indication of someone who kept studying to avoid getting a job - we always say this in my circle about people who have PHDs unless they work in academia - and I say this as someone with 2 masters but earned while working).

Then there was the reluctance to get a job while in the UK. Then there was the agreement to move to this country so he would have a base to launch his perfect career, while she kept the ship going. Then there is the fact that he is a SAHD but she is doing all the night feeds - I am a SAHM and my DH has never ever done a night feed. So he seems to be, like many SAHD's, still expecting his spouse to do lots and lots of the parenting. Plus the fact that he is being verbally abusive to his wife and he has lost all interest in life - he is depressed most likely, but also, probably has a long term mental health disorder which means his life will never live up to his dreams so he will avoid it and then say it did not happen because he never had the opportunity.

I feel for you OP, but I have no advise except perhaps, if things don't improve, move back to the UK?

Advice!!!!

I think a lot also depends which Asian country you're in.

Thailand or Myanmar is very different to Singapore or Hong Kong.

Far easier to find resources/groups related to western parenting styles in the latter.

...he is depressed most likely, but also, probably has a long term mental health disorder which means his life will never live up to his dreams so he will avoid it and then say it did not happen because he never had the opportunity.
Annasgirl

THIS ^^

What can I do if he won't help himself?
Nothing.
From your description of his rolling contract renewal over the years (i.e. not engaging with the process until the issue became acute) he is coming across as someone who has deepseated issues who may only respond to an actual crisis.

You can do absolutely nothing apart from precipitating a crisis - giving him an ultimatum about counseling / seeing a psychiatrist, or engaging with a life coach (who may well suggest he sees a MH professional).

Make sure you are prepared to follow through. Get childcare lined up.

He needs counselling. The horrible things he said were imv due to a huge build up of resentment possibly against you but also possibly due to his feeling trapped (so actually against himself though he won't think this). Without facing up to the fact that he can't face working or face up to the fact that he feels inadequate at his job, or whatever the reason is that he doesn't work (perhaps he can't deal with being cooped up with others all day, who knows) and admitting that this is his problem and then finding a solution things won't change.
Also having a PhD means he appears to be highly intelligent with a lot to offer. But his issues belie this. He probably needs to be a postman or a part time postman, something not making huge demands on him which he does largely alone, then his spare time can be doing whatever he wants.
I doubt he is cut out to be a full time carer. And if he isn't it is best for his DS that someone else does some of it.
But he needs to find out who he is and what he needs to make him happy before he can fix things and he is floundering around right now.