Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

Need some advice about my boyfriends behaviour?

108 replies

darkcrystal83 · 08/09/2019 20:54

I have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. We are both in our thirties. At first, I thought he loved me and we got along really well. Then I discovered he has a problem with cocaine. He has been getting really paranoid and keeps accusing me of cheating. Its not in my nature to do that at all. I have never given him any reason to think such a thing. Yet when we fall out, he messages other women to "piss me off".
He hasnt made any real efforts to stop the drugs. Hes attended a few NA meetings but I think he needs more than that. He has recently been saying some really bad things...like the last few times we have had sex, he has said i feel "stretched" and "loose" down there, and he says its because I have had sex with someone else. This is not the case obviously. Its making me feel like i dont feel comfortable to have sex anymore. We fell out about it a few days ago, and hes started texting saying how he loves me. I havent answered his calls. I dont know what to do. I cant keep trying to prove that I havent done something. I do love him...but I dont know how to move forward with him. Im quite low on self esteem and confidence anyway and finding it hard to be strong. Do you think its the drugs affecting his mind or does he really think i am unfaithful? Just feel beside myself with it all. Thanks for any advice.

OP posts:

Singlenotsingle · 08/09/2019 20:58

Usually when someone is accusing you of something you haven't done, it's because they've got a guilty conscience. He's doing something he shouldn't. Whether it's the coke or something else only he knows

Original poster

darkcrystal83 · 08/09/2019 21:01

I know, I had thought of this. I just cant know for sure.

OP posts:

littletinybubbles · 08/09/2019 21:01

Leave him. He’s abusive - get out whilst you can.

ColdCottage · 08/09/2019 21:03

Oh dear. Poor you. This man sounds like he doesn't deserve you at all.

Someone who loves you shouldn't treat you like this.

Look at it as if it were your friend. What would you say to them?

ellzebellze · 08/09/2019 21:05

He's a crackhead. There will be things that he says or believes because of the drugs. Nothing you say or do will convince him that you are telling the truth and that you aren't cheating on him. It will only get worse.

There's only one thing you can do and that is to end the relationship. Sorry

Original poster

darkcrystal83 · 08/09/2019 21:06

I think I would say the same thing. Its such a horrible thing to say, so personal. Ive been ignoring his calls and havent replied. I was thinking maybe just let im think what he wants and move on, but now hes tugging at my heart strings a bit.

OP posts:

Tiptopj · 08/09/2019 21:06

Walk away now. You wont be able to fix him theres a very good chance that the longer you stay and let him put you down like this you'll end up emotionally battered. Leave and find yourself a good guy who treats you well, they are out there x

RandomMess · 08/09/2019 21:07

He's an addict run for the hills!!

Aquamarine1029 · 08/09/2019 21:07

You love a verbally and emotionally abusive coke head? Really? As you're in your 30's, you should have more sense than this, surely? Do you really not think you deserve better than this absolute fuckwit?

Original poster

darkcrystal83 · 08/09/2019 21:08

I dont really think he has cheated, but obviously I cant be sure. I want him to go to rehab or something, but he wont. And he wont get rid of his contacts and associates. Hes messaging saying he loves me and asking if im ok. Just really dont feel like responding.

OP posts:

Mabelface · 08/09/2019 21:08

Stand firm, you know he's bad news.

Original poster

darkcrystal83 · 08/09/2019 21:09

I do think I deserve better. I know I do. Just find it hard to cut him off, I dont know, Im soft hearted and I want to believe he loves me and we could have a future. But Ive already tried and it isnt working.

OP posts:

Original poster

darkcrystal83 · 08/09/2019 21:10

Do you think I should just ignore him or text him back ending it? My head feels like it is up my bum.

OP posts:

BraveGoldie · 08/09/2019 21:12

Op, normally I think Mumsnet can be too quick to tell posters to leave their men. However, a cocaine addict who is delusional and accusatory towards you and doing nothing to help himself is not a good person to be with. It doesn't matter if it is the drugs or him talking, as he is doing nothing to kick his habit, you may well never see the two separately.

You don't mention having children, so I hope this is someone you can separate from without complications..... and give yourself a chance to find someone who deserves you. There are loads of men out there who are decent, not drug addicts, and will trust you and treat you with the respect you deserve,

I know it is hard when you love someone but maybe ask yourself where you want to be in a couple of years?

I am wishing you luck.

giantnannyknickers · 08/09/2019 21:12

Sweet Jesus if this was your best friend or sister coming to you for advice on this what would you say? You'd probably tell them to run for the hills. The saying love is blind really rings true here, but the fact of the matter is you're in a relationship with a drug abuser who is nasty and manipulative towards you and is bringing you down. True love brings out the best in people not the worst. He is purposely knocking your self esteem so eventually you'll think you can't do any better.

Don't respond to his messages. Stay strong. You deserve so
Much better.

Original poster

darkcrystal83 · 08/09/2019 21:12

Is there any chance of him sorting himself out? This is a big year for me career wise and i need to focus on that. Itd be great if he was supporting me but it is having the opposite effect, of course.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 08/09/2019 21:13

Just BLOCK him. You don't owe an abusive drug addict any explanation of any sort.

Original poster

darkcrystal83 · 08/09/2019 21:13

The things he says are just disgusting. He even messaged from another number, pretending to be my "other man". I feel a little scared by the intensity of his delusion.

OP posts:

Windmillwhirl · 08/09/2019 21:14

This isn't going to get better until he addresses his addiction. He is not committed to doing this.

I hope you find the strength to leave.

RandomMess · 08/09/2019 21:14

He has no interest in changing, block him!

madcatladyforever · 08/09/2019 21:14

He is highly abusive and you should dump him straight away.
I would not go out with a druggy who insulted my most intimate areas.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/09/2019 21:15

And yet he "pulls on your heartstrings?"

Timandra · 08/09/2019 21:15

I feel a little scared by the intensity of his delusion.

This alone is a very good reason to walk away.

Original poster

darkcrystal83 · 08/09/2019 21:16

Luckily there are no kids involved. Ive been trying to meditate and get better spiritually lately, so im finding it even harder to put up with this crap. Yet i still feel like i need to respond. He will think even more that i am cheating by my lack of response..i know it shouldnt matter.

OP posts:

Wehttam · 08/09/2019 21:18

Gurl once a coke head always a coke head, they’re trash, get rid.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5