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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Need some advice about my boyfriends behaviour?

108 replies

darkcrystal83 · 08/09/2019 20:54

I have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. We are both in our thirties. At first, I thought he loved me and we got along really well. Then I discovered he has a problem with cocaine. He has been getting really paranoid and keeps accusing me of cheating. Its not in my nature to do that at all. I have never given him any reason to think such a thing. Yet when we fall out, he messages other women to "piss me off".
He hasnt made any real efforts to stop the drugs. Hes attended a few NA meetings but I think he needs more than that. He has recently been saying some really bad things...like the last few times we have had sex, he has said i feel "stretched" and "loose" down there, and he says its because I have had sex with someone else. This is not the case obviously. Its making me feel like i dont feel comfortable to have sex anymore. We fell out about it a few days ago, and hes started texting saying how he loves me. I havent answered his calls. I dont know what to do. I cant keep trying to prove that I havent done something. I do love him...but I dont know how to move forward with him. Im quite low on self esteem and confidence anyway and finding it hard to be strong. Do you think its the drugs affecting his mind or does he really think i am unfaithful? Just feel beside myself with it all. Thanks for any advice.

OP posts:
Pantsomime · 08/09/2019 22:46

Life is here to enjoy not to try to force people who don’t want to change - to change.
Tell him you are off but love him and he knows where go find you if he ever gets clean. Once you make the move away from him you should feel better and see this for what it is, you don’t think you deserve more but you do. His problems his alone - leave him to it

darkcrystal83 · 09/09/2019 00:38

Thank you all. I just messaged him back and dumped him. Theres no hope. He was still pretending he was working on himself, when I know hes not really.

OP posts:
SpinneyHill · 09/09/2019 00:46

darkcrystal83

Don't have any more contact. Texting and pretending to be the other man is a really scary red flag, don't take any silly risks to be 'nice' to an unstable man with a vicious streak.

darkcrystal83 · 09/09/2019 00:48

He was still maintaining that he was working on himself. No apology though. I know its a waste of time. I have blocked him now anyway.

OP posts:
TowelNumber42 · 09/09/2019 00:59

Good for you. Keep him blocked.

OMGMyLifeIsCrazy · 09/09/2019 01:55

OP, please read the post below and if it resonates with you, feel free to name search my other posts from 2017 onwards. I was in the same boat a year ago and it just got worse and worse and worse until I was just a shell of my former self. I'm only two months out of the relationship I was in and I still cry every day.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3342060-This-is-a-yukky-one-what-would-you-do

darkcrystal83 · 09/09/2019 08:32

I just read your thread, OMG. What did you end up doing, are you still with him?
It's really scary what goes through people's heads. I know what he says can't be true, nobody else has ever said it in the past. My bf is still texting saying how I am unreasonable, how he is trying to get over his addiction. Etc etc. I know that is also untrue so I guess that helps reinforce what I've said, to myself. I even said never once have i had an apology, and guess What? I still haven't had one.

OP posts:
darkcrystal83 · 09/09/2019 08:34

Sorry, I just saw that you are no longer with him..im still half asleep.

OP posts:
ColdCottage · 09/09/2019 09:43

OP you need to block him. His continued messages aren't good for you right now.

Gemma1971 · 09/09/2019 10:00

"My bf is still texting saying how I am unreasonable, how he is trying to get over his addiction. Etc etc. I know that is also untrue so I guess that helps reinforce what I've said, to myself. I even said never once have i had an apology, and guess What? I still haven't had one."

He won't apologise because he does not think he has one anything wrong. In his mind, you are the bad person for rejecting him as he can't see what the problem is. The quicker you realise that drugs screw with a person's head really badly, the easier and faster you will get over the heartbreak of realising you can never have a normal, loving connection with this person.

2 years is a long time to be dealing with someone's drug addled behaviour. I feel sorry for you. You are young, you should be having fun, not worrying about some paranoid arsehole and his addiction AND the insults he hurls at your body.

Good grief, block him and be done with it. What would you tell your best friend to do?

There are other men out there who will be just as good looking, just as good in bed and BETTER because they will not be drug addled fools.

He sounds toxic AND dangerous. Don't be another mug saddled with offspring to a druggy who can't provide. And who verbally and possibly physically abuses you.

I know you must have loved him, probably still do. I wasted almost 10 years on someone who verbally abused me and criticised my body and put drugs and his drug taking, drug dealing cronies before me. I sacrificed time, money AND sometimes work, sadly, SADLY, because of "love".

What you have to realise, and sooner rather than later, is YOU CANNOT bank on a man's potential. When a person shows you who they are, NOW, and repeatedly in the past it's the same and they continue to do and say the same, THAT is who they ARE.

What has he shown you to date. In summary, that he is a paranoid, verbally abusive, entitled coke-addled nutcase.

You're in love with a fantasy man, a projected image of what you hope and wish he could be, when you see the glimmers of kindness. Maybe the sex is great. My ex was good in bed, he knew how to please me in a basic sense - but again, a lot of that was MY projection, as I was the giver.... Maybe your ex is really good looking, has a big penis... there has to be some reason he has you so spellbound when he treats you like shit on his shoe. And you think you will never meet anyone with those attributes again... YOU WILL. And let's face it, he can't even be POLITE to you!!!

I think you need to block him and get some help. Worked for me. Ex still tries to contact me via new numbers etc etc but he is in another country, so easy to avoid. If you still allow this man to guilt trip you, because make no bones about it, he is manipulating you, and knows what he is doing, you will go back to him and the whole cycle will lick off again. You need to research trauma bonding and Stockholm syndrome and how to heal from an abusive relationship.

Your posts reveal that you are vulnerable. I get it. I was too. NOW is the time you need to heal and stay away from him, so the first step is block and get reading. And I hope he does NOT have keys to your home. If he does, change the locks.

GilbertMarkham · 09/09/2019 10:20

So sleep with a thousand men = stretched. One man a thousand times =not.

Exactly.

How would you feel loose or stretched (a vagina mostly returns to same size no matter what incidentally, even child birth) unless the other guy you're cheating with (in his insecure, paranoid, filthy little mind) is a lot bigger than him?

So he'd got a tiny dick as well as being an insecure, possibly cheating (or trying to) himself cokehead?

Btw he doesn't message other girls to get at you or because he thinks you're chesting; he died it cause he's a cheater himself (or at the very least trying to). That's why he'd so paranoid you're cheating, he thinks everyone thinks and acts like him.

I reckon even if he stopped the coke (unlikely) he'd still be insecure and still a potential cheater. The coked a convenient excuse.

GilbertMarkham · 09/09/2019 10:21

*does it

PompeyBez · 09/09/2019 10:23

I'm glad to read the update that you have ended things Flowers I'd bet any money that he would still be like this if he was clean. He knows you don't cheat, he's trying to upset you and use it as a means of control so that you always feel the need to justify your actions and explain yourself to him. Hes going to push you as far as he can. When you flip and go back at him, he's going to call you crazy and say you're overreacting. Then he will turn on the charm and reel you back in. The sex comments are just vile. Why would you say that to someone you care about?? Be strong op!! Don't let him make you feel bad for walking away. He is not your responsibility. His issues are his to deal with. It's not your job to rehabilitate him.

GilbertMarkham · 09/09/2019 10:26

Also I've heard of a few guys who are always paranoid about their gf's in this weird way - imagining they're looser than they remember so they must have cheated, checking their underwear, questioning that they had the same UW on they left in that morning (in one case the guy even inserted his finger into the gf when she came home to check for semen residue) .... In every case - every - the guts were cheaters.

Their own behaviour (including all the deceit) made them paranoid and suspicious of everyone else.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 09/09/2019 10:27

Well done for dumping him, now block and move on. Going back now would cement a life of pain and heartache.

blahblahblahblahhh · 09/09/2019 10:28

Well done on dumping him. Don't waste your time on a coke head! You don't want kids or marriage with a man like this. enjoy your year focussing on your career and you'll meet someone lovely who supports you and isn't a coke head in time :-)

GilbertMarkham · 09/09/2019 10:33

*guys

GilbertMarkham · 09/09/2019 10:39

You sound like you have a good career,bare a nice person and have your act together; don't continue to throw yourself away on someone like this.

He may have seemed good at the beginning but you know what he's like now, it often takes a couple of years to really get to know someone and now you do; and this guy is not decent relationship material - on several fronts, not even just one.

He'll try make it hard for you - cause he knows he's onto a good thing, but get rid of him.and stay rid. Don't let him persuade you, guilt trip you etc. Don't be one of the women in here in a much much shittier position, with a kid/s by kind of these guys. They make me want to bang my head violentky against a wall because they had all the signs yet stayed and got in further due to (?) Naivety, gullibility, low self esteem, thinking they gave to stick by someone if fix them .... You don't. It's not your responsibility and they're not relationship material for anyone who wants a decent relationship.

GilbertMarkham · 09/09/2019 10:40

*have to

Gemma1971 · 09/09/2019 10:43

Gilbert is right. I was also accused of cheating and looking for men on FB.

Ex had multiple fake profiles. At least 10. Also hidden dating site profiles. Lord knows what else behind my back.

Druggies have zero self-control and feel entitled to do whatever - and whoever - they please. Get an STD check.

Oranginna · 09/09/2019 10:45

Well done Darkcrystal . Be strong and keep him blocked. Even if he got clean, which he won't, he'd still be a horrible man who says horribly hurtful things that are NOT TRUE. Concentrate on your career for a while and your life will come good. Do you have any good friends or family ? I'd love to know what they think of him.

Oranginna · 09/09/2019 10:51

You sound lovely. Would you consider therapy to work on your self esteem? Because you're worth it.

hellsbellsmelons · 09/09/2019 10:53

Then I discovered he has a problem with cocaine.
This is all you need to know about him.
He's a coke addict.
End of!!!
You do not need him in your life.
He will bring you down as you are finding out.

Just block, ignore and delete.
If you see a random come up on your phone then don't answer and add to the block list.
Concentrate on your career and move on from this abusive, controlling, manipulative drug addict.

Do some work on yourself as well and find out why you are allowing yourself to be treated like this.
You owe him NOTHING!!!!!
Raise your bar, much much higher!!!