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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need some advice about my boyfriends behaviour?

108 replies

darkcrystal83 · 08/09/2019 20:54

I have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. We are both in our thirties. At first, I thought he loved me and we got along really well. Then I discovered he has a problem with cocaine. He has been getting really paranoid and keeps accusing me of cheating. Its not in my nature to do that at all. I have never given him any reason to think such a thing. Yet when we fall out, he messages other women to "piss me off".
He hasnt made any real efforts to stop the drugs. Hes attended a few NA meetings but I think he needs more than that. He has recently been saying some really bad things...like the last few times we have had sex, he has said i feel "stretched" and "loose" down there, and he says its because I have had sex with someone else. This is not the case obviously. Its making me feel like i dont feel comfortable to have sex anymore. We fell out about it a few days ago, and hes started texting saying how he loves me. I havent answered his calls. I dont know what to do. I cant keep trying to prove that I havent done something. I do love him...but I dont know how to move forward with him. Im quite low on self esteem and confidence anyway and finding it hard to be strong. Do you think its the drugs affecting his mind or does he really think i am unfaithful? Just feel beside myself with it all. Thanks for any advice.

OP posts:
Wibblewobble99 · 08/09/2019 21:22

I’m a positive person and believe people can absolutely change. However, they have to want to change and from what you’ve said, he doesn’t. If he was seeking help then I could understand you standing by him supporting from a distance as he may need time and space. But that’s not at all what you’re describing. Who knows, maybe if you break up it’ll be the kick he needs to get some help and you can focus on your career. You don’t want to look back and have regrets. Don’t build your life around him or the assumption he’ll get better but there is always hope

Sleepyhead19 · 08/09/2019 21:24

I’ve known a few people, including an ex bf when I was 18, who regularly did coke despite saying they would/could/had quit. None of them have ever stayed clean. They always go back at least every now and then.
I feel awful for you that your bf is being so horrible and especially about something so personal. Please leave him. It won’t get better.
I agree with others who said if he is accusing you of cheating, it’s probably him at it. Good luck x

EvilPostbox · 08/09/2019 21:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Flamingnora123 · 08/09/2019 21:28

He's lucky you've got low self-esteem, I bet he's loving that. You need to split up with him, he's horrible to you and more than happy to hurt you. He's also a drug addict. Would you be happy about a friend dating such a prize?

ColdCottage · 08/09/2019 21:31

From your posts you seem ready to end it.

I'd say reply, it's over. Please leave me alone and good luck getting clean. Then I'd block him number and turn to your friends in real life to get over a break up. Regardless of the reasons for a break up it still hurts.

user1471449295 · 08/09/2019 21:36

You’re in your 30’s. You should be aiming for better than this. This is late teens/early 20’s bollocks. He has a class a drug problem and he is abusive. This is seriouslynbottom of the barrel shit. You’ve been with him a couple of years. Hardly like you’ve got intertwined history. Get rid

Elieza · 08/09/2019 21:36

He’s not interested in changing. He likes his coke and doesn’t see there really being an issue.
Can you imagine you accidentally got pregnant and had a child to this man. He’d put his habit first.
Walk away unless he sorts himself out. He’s not worth it. He may tell you he loves you but he’ll break your heart with all his bs. Walk before his delusions turn to violence if he starts thinking you are cheating all the time.....

readitandwept · 08/09/2019 21:37

I really hope you're not Gaynor83. She's been told time and time again to dump her crackhead loser BF.

If you're not her, read her threads at least.

carly2803 · 08/09/2019 21:38

your with him why?
run now before you get pregant with his child

MrsMoastyToasty · 08/09/2019 21:39

Cocaine is his first love, not you.

MikeUniformMike · 08/09/2019 21:42

Do you live with him?
If not dump him.
If you do, dump him.

Winterlife · 08/09/2019 21:48

mYou need to leave him. This has nothing to do with the names or his paranoia. It is the fact he is a drug addict with no plan to change.

I have close family members who stuck it out with addicts. They all regret throwing away their lives on men who loved drugs more than anything else. Their husbands were sober for a time, but always went back to drugs. Let their example be a lesson for you.

Get therapy for your esteem and confidence issues. You deserve more than a drug addled man!

Original poster
darkcrystal83 · 08/09/2019 21:57

I just looked at the other girls posts...strangely similar but its not me. I guess i know what i have to do. I dont know why its so hard for me to do what i have to do. Is cocaine really so powerful? Ive tried so hard. But I cant do anything else. Insulting my body hurts so much. Ive tried giving ultimatums about the drugs but obviously it doesnt work. With it being a two year relationship is it ok to simply block him? I know im at an age where i should know better..i do know this in my heart...

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 08/09/2019 22:00

Block away.

bionicnemonic · 08/09/2019 22:01

Coke can permanently affect the dopamine receptors in the brain...this can cause a lot of damage, like depression. Really not just words...actual physical and mental damage.
Find someone nice. Someone kind. Smile often

Graphista · 08/09/2019 22:15

Op Coke is incredibly physically and psychologically addictive.

I'm from a family full of addicts, they won't get off the addiction whatever it is until THEY want to and he very clearly doesn't want to.

He sounds absolutely vile and you deserve better, bump and block...and block and block (when he tries to use others phones)

He doesn't deserve your care and attention.

Winterlife · 08/09/2019 22:19

If you just block him, won’t he show up at your home or work? If he will, I’d text him and tell him I’m done, and he should lose your number and address.

MashedSpud · 08/09/2019 22:24

Get rid.

He sounds demented.

Windmillwhirl · 08/09/2019 22:25

He is going to say you cheat to make you be the bad guy when he knows he is.

You need to get to a point where what he says is irrelevant. And then take back your life. This guy is a loser.

BertrandRussell · 08/09/2019 22:29

Dump.

LellyMcKelly · 08/09/2019 22:30

It sounds like you’ve finally reached the straw that broke the camel’s back. It’s a druggie that doesn’t want to change and now he’s insulting you and accusing you of things you haven’t done. Get rid of him - you’re far too good to put up with his shit.

Northernsoullover · 08/09/2019 22:32

Stretched and loose? Is this for real? I'd have dumped him as soon as that had been uttered for being thick.
You see this all the time, misogynistic comments implying that the more people you sleep with causes this mythical affliction. So sleep with a thousand men = stretched. One man a thousand times =not.
I'd also dump a cokehead.

Gemma1971 · 08/09/2019 22:38

Run, run, and run, far far far the fuck away from this arsewipe who not only has a serious class A drug addiction, but also insults your body, making him a class A ASSHOLE.

Ditch and do not look back. If he has your keys, change your locks. He may try to break in and steal your stuff.

Been in your shoes, and no, they don't change. They would sell your grandmother if they needed a fix.

And get some counselling and help with co-dependency. Helped me. Always picking up the "poor badly done to" men with issues.

FUCK HIM, let him go and be somebody else's problem and focus on what is important for you and your future, your career, your health, and your self-esteem. Cocaine destroys the life of the user and the lives of their loved ones.

I repeat, fuck him. Now go do something nice for yourself, work on your self-respect and boundaries and let him insult someone else. This man is TRASH.

billy1966 · 08/09/2019 22:41

OP, who would honestly want a drug addict in their life. You will never be a priority.

Focus on your career and meeting someone worthy of you.

He sounds absolutely awful.

💐

ErickBroch · 08/09/2019 22:46

He is a controlling abuser and this will only get worse and worse. Please leave before this happens. It is already bad enough. I didn't leave, and when I did manage to years down the road it ended up with the most vile harassment and stalking and police involvement.

This is not good. I am thinking of you and hope you can have the courage to end things x