Need some advice about my boyfriends behaviour?

[darkcrystal83]

I have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. We are both in our thirties. At first, I thought he loved me and we got along really well. Then I discovered he has a problem with cocaine. He has been getting really paranoid and keeps accusing me of cheating. Its not in my nature to do that at all. I have never given him any reason to think such a thing. Yet when we fall out, he messages other women to "piss me off".
He hasnt made any real efforts to stop the drugs. Hes attended a few NA meetings but I think he needs more than that. He has recently been saying some really bad things...like the last few times we have had sex, he has said i feel "stretched" and "loose" down there, and he says its because I have had sex with someone else. This is not the case obviously. Its making me feel like i dont feel comfortable to have sex anymore. We fell out about it a few days ago, and hes started texting saying how he loves me. I havent answered his calls. I dont know what to do. I cant keep trying to prove that I havent done something. I do love him...but I dont know how to move forward with him. Im quite low on self esteem and confidence anyway and finding it hard to be strong. Do you think its the drugs affecting his mind or does he really think i am unfaithful? Just feel beside myself with it all. Thanks for any advice.

Forgot to say - I once had a man (an extremely promiscuous man who was never monogamous and with whom I was not in an exclusive relationship - I might have been had he not been the way he was) tell me I felt looser than before and must've been having sex with someone else .. I hadn't.

Who knows what the fk the story was - time of month, hormones, how turned on I was or wasn't, his perception, his shit memory, who he's been shagging shortly before me (!!)

What's significant is that around the same time I briefly started to have sex with another guy and before we stopped he commented in a very spontaneous, natural way about how tight I was ...

So it's meaningless.

In your ex's case - probably come fuelled delusion and/or paranoid nonesense.

*coke fuelled

Plus commenting on your intimate parts like that is so abusive. Whether it was delusional or deliberate, it's inexcusable!! Wish I had bailed the FIRST TIME the ex started pulling my body to bits!!

He is not even trying to get off drugs
He is abusive
The coke has damaged his brain
He may well escalate to physically harming you
Run

You can't fix this.
The only option to keep yourself safe and sane, and eventually to feel happy again, is to leave this relationship.

Only HE can fix HIM. It isn't your job to mend him OP

You've done the hardest part already, stay strong. You deserve better.

I think you sound lovely too OP, a million times too good for him. I'm so glad you've dumped him, now you can invest all that time and care you've been wasting on him in yourself instead. It sounds like you have a big year ahead study-wise so focus on smashing that and maybe spending a bit of time building your self esteem too, you can do a million times better than this loser but you have to believe that yourself or the losers will keep trying their luck

I think getting yourself checked for STDs is vital. I think there's a strong possibility he has been cheating himself.

It isn't the coke making him abusive anyway, he just IS abusive. I mean you don't say what he said to you out of paranoia, you say it to hurt. He wanted to hurt you. To break your spirit. That whole cheating accusation thing is just so that you spend so much time and effort trying to prove your virtue to them (yet it's never enough) that you cannot see what a monster they are and the nasty shit they are up to.

He'll want to hurt you all the more-so now that you've said 'enough'. He'll do all he can now to make you feel like you are 'cold' and unsupportive and unreasonable. Block him on everything and be careful of mutual friends as he will try to use them as a go between.

You've done the right thing. He is a vile person. But I bet without the cocaine, he'd be just as vile.

Anyone who made the slightest negative comment of my vag would not get in a ten mile radius of it ...dump and run

Yeah op should have said "Are you sure it's not that your dick's getting smaller? I've heard coke does that".

Well done on dumping him, life is too short to put up with a paranoid, nasty cokehead( regardless of any perceived redeeming qualities & you are worth more than that. Stay strong & re-read this thread & the good advice (& your replies too). Good luck

He will be hoovering deserately now. He will say anything to get you to come back. He knows how to reel you in or you wouldn't have spent 2 year with such a deeply objectionable loser who treats you so badly. That's why you have to completely block all contact. Don't trust your own willpower. Block. Make it easier on yourself.

I bet your self-esteem will improve dramatically over the next few weeks.

Thank you for all your answers and kind words. I really do find them supportive. I kind of know the truth myself too, in my heart of hearts.
When I texted him last night, I said although this is hard for me but it's over, as I can't ever feel comfortable with him after what he said to me. And constant accusations. Said he needs to get clean etc and needs to delete contacts.
In his reply, he didn't even respond to what I said exactly. Just that yes he needs to work on himself before he can be in a relationship, before going on to say he needs support not bellitled and how unreasonable I was.
He has said that " loose" thing three times now though. Or in his words " doesn't touch the sides" ugh. What an awful thing to say.
I did say back to him at the time that it's his Willy that's getting smaller though ha. But it's still hortible. He said it not long after we had sex, and i had been questioning about a message he sent to some girl...like i have no right to ask. He says im being silly as be does that when we have argued. But even so. I know he s still using drugs anyway as I saw messages on his phone. So his claim to be working on himself isn't true.
I honestly did not think he is the type to cheat...but I didn't think he would end up saying such vile things to me either.
Its awful, as I still feel quite torn and can't help thinking of the good times. There have been some.
But I just can't talk to him like a normal person. I wish i could.
Im am too soft hearted. Things haven't been good recently though. He works away, and is under family supervision so doesn't use drugs whilst he's there. But the minute he gets back, it's not me he seeks first it's drugs. I used to pick him up from the train station, he's started getting someone else to pick him up. I suspect it's so he can call for drugs.
It just seems like everything is smoke and mirrors. I know he isn't telling the truth. So I am sometimes argumentative as I don't believe him. Ugh I just feel like things are crazy.
It's right , it's his potential that I see not him. And I can't imagine why someone would choose that life. He even thinks it's ok to take drugs recreationally. But it's never recreational when you're an addict.
I am trying to be strong though.

I've been there, and honestly, they don't change. Coke addicts are disgusting, selfish arseholes. Without exception.

It just gets worse. The emotional abuse ramps up the longer it goes on. One lovely remark that really sticks in my mind is "do you think your son can smell the whore on you?"
I recorded one particularly hurtful tirade and with some distance, listening back to all the frankly insane things he was saying, I cannot believe I put up with it for so long.

Predictably, it all escalated with him grabbing me by the throat, amongst other things.

That period of my life has had a lasting effect on me, I still get flashbacks now of how much he used to frighten me.

Don't be me. Don't go back. Don't be hoovered. Get him out of your life permanently. He'll destroy his life all on his own. Don't let him bring you down too xx

I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship before. Certain members of my family were abusive towards me growing up too. I suffered extreme OCD and general mental health issues as a result. I should know better, but it still crops up. I have never had a "nice" romantic relationship. I do see the pattern. I dont know why I somehow dont learn. I watched the links posted earlier about Stockholm syndrome and it resonates. I dont get into relationships much, I had been alone for a good few years prior to my latest. I remember when I met him at first, I felt so happy and that I had finally found someone who did seem to love me. Which of course, makes this all the more awful.
If I was my best friend, I would tell myself the things you guys are saying.
Its horrible to read all the stories about other abusive men. Why on earth are they like that?
He also likes to bring up my family abuse and compare. I do feel
im over that now, at least in some ways. I dont tend to hold grudges. But there must be something as I always end up in some similar situation where I find myself questioning myself. I have never had counselling, i guess, because I know what the problem is so if I cant solve it, how can a counsellor? Ah its so messed up.
Why do people like to hurt others?
I just put it all down to coke. I know its probably not even the coke. As others have said, hes probably abusive by nature anyway.

I am going to be a bit harsh now.

Stop describing yourself as soft-hearted. That's you fooling yourself into thinking you are this super lovely kind person. So super super lovely and fluffy you are mega kind to everyone, oh you are such a good person. You take him back, you love him, because you are so good and kind and lovely. That is bollocks.

You have been trained from birth to stuff down your emotions, do what the angry man says, never question the angry man, appease, appease, appease. That's not softhearted that beaten into submission so much you can't even tell right from wrong any more.

You are enabling a drug addict. Stop it.

You feel comfortable when you are pandering to an abusive man. It is your normal. See it, change it.

You don't know who you are except in relation to the abusive person in your life you are trying to fix. Your supposed break up message was a list of things he has to do to fix himself. Stop it. You are not his therapist. You are not the all knowing fixer of men. Stop yourself telling others how to live their lives, how to be "good" according to your definition.

Why do people like to hurt others? I don't care. It is irrelevant to your situation. Your question should be why do I let people hurt me more than once. It is not because you are nice. Nice people don't enable abusers to abuse.

I don't think you know what the problem is at all. You do need counselling. You are here describing yourself in soft lovely euphemisms while blaming you being in a bad relationship on him being on coke. Years ago I went on dates with men who were dickheads. I am not here blaming my bad relationship with them on their addiction. That's because I am not in a relationship with them. I dumped them.

Read up on codependency. You can change your life and start having good relationships if you recognise how horribly you depend on codependency and even confuse it with being nice and softhearted. You can get over it. Life is much better without that millstone.

I guess I dont know how else to describe it. I think you are right though.Thank you for your insight. Harsh but true, and much appreciated. Need to stop doubting myself. Got a lot of other things to focus on anyway so i will try to do that. Work on myself at some point.

Its all quite a bit pathetic when I really think on...

TowelNumber42 EVERYTHING you said is what I needed to hear personally AND truly take on board myself years ago. What you said with knobs on.

I hope OP takes note. Don't waste your life.

I agree that you need to work on yourself. Please get some counselling/therapy because you have not learned anything from previous abusive relationships and have ended up back in another one.
This man has literally nothing to offer you, other than hurt and pain. His primary relationship is with coke, not you and never will be. By putting up with his behaviour you are enabling him. He's never learn the consequences of his actions if people keep forgiving him.
Please keep away from him and spend time working on yourself.

Yes... and the question you need to be asking is not why does he do that, but why do I value myself so little that I tolerate it, forgive him and allow him to do it again...

I understand though. But all my healthy, non co-dependent friends would have ditched my ex the FIRST time he insulted part of my body, not 20 or so times down the line.

So the question is not why is my ex such a bastard? The question is, why the hell did I keep going back? Why our my boundaries so poor? Who taught me to accept and forgive such bollocks poor treatment? Why do I not value ME so highly that I did not tell him to go take a running jump the first time he insulted me?

Flip it around. HE is of no matter now. How YOU move forward and what you do, how you decide to treat yourself and who you allow into your life and what you allow into your life.... those are the things that matter. Why did you make him so important to your own detriment....

The loose, doesn't touch the side thing (I reckon) is him trying to sort of slut shame you ... Because in his fked up, paranoid, filthy mind you either are, or might, cheat. He thinks if he says you're loose from sex with someone else that you'll stop cheating because he can tell and besides it's making you loose (right ) or it will put you off potentially cheating for the same reasons. Seems crazy but ...

My partner maintains that many men, in comparison to women, are v simple and base in their thoughts & motivations .. so much so women just don't get how they think; I reckon he's got a point.

Also I've seen a hell of a lot of negging and verbally punching by men trying to tear women down - usually because they resent them and are insecure about them, they want the upper hand.

I presume he's also just trying to affect your self esteem and get at you.

Overall though - other posters have said it do I won't reiterate too much .. gtf away from him, he's shit relationship material. Don't accept less for yourself, don't let others set your value; you set it.

Either way it's bullshit.

Sorry that either way its bullshit was referring to what he said, it somehow got stranded at the end of my rant.