Loving yourself

[Thisismyusernamefornow]

How do you learn to love yourself? What are the tools for finding inner peace? And making sure you don't seek happiness in somebody else?

I'm all for sharing happiness with a partner, don't get me wrong. But how do you find that in yourself?

Figure it, write a book and make a fortune.

No idea but I would start with a 10 minute meditation using YouTube and doing something just for you a couple of times a week - bath, ice cream whatever

I do a lot for me but I do seek happiness in others. I don't understand why as I actually enjoy my own company and quite often seek it out! But I still crave having a partner to share with. I'm single right now but don't want to create that co dependency if I meet somebody else.

I’ve had a struggle with learning to love myself. I’ve had two major relationships where I lost who I was, I was so intent on being with them and being what they wanted me to be.
I’ve had excellent psychotherapy, instead of counselling, and have made a lot of changes to my life. Some of that meant gently moving away from people who didn’t necessarily want the best for me, getting a better job, and doing a lot of activities that scared me, which includes starting regular exercise, which in turn introduced me to new people, and self respect as I realised what I was capable of. I listen to a lot of YouTube hypnosis videos as I’m going to sleep at night, and I think carefully before saying yes to things - do I really want to do this? And if it’s a bigger decision - is this action taking me towards the life I want.

Lots of love to you, it’s a hard road. Pm if you like x

I don't have any wise answers unfortunately. It's hard in this day and age to love yourself.

Snap!

I'm going to counselling. I've been doing all the 'right' things - have plenty of decent friends, range of hobbies, do stuff independently (like holidays), hardly have a spare moment. But I still struggle with being on my own

I agree with knockeddown - I was suicidal, in an awful marriage. Psychotherapy saved my life, and helped me to understand how important it is that we learn to nurture ourselves in the way women often nurture others.

It's obviously expensive, but I have sacrificed a lot of other things to fund it and prioritise that space.

Exercise, no smart phone, being outdoors, eating well all help.

A phrase I heard was "talk to yourself and act towards yourself like you a caring for a lovely old lady". I find it quite useful!

@waytheleaveswork oh that's a lovely little phrase to keep on standby. Thank you.

@Igetknockeddownbutgetupagain thank you for taking the time to share your knowledge and insight. I appreciate your comment and offer of support. It is always warming to know there are complete strangers on the planet who are looking out for you. Thank you.

I came across a book today that I'm buying called the girl who dated herself. Apparently she was Co dependent and through dating herself and pouring all her love into herself she learned how to truly love herself. I'm on the same path op, hopefully we find out the meaning of loving ourselves 😊

Why are you worried about being co-dependent? I think that there's a huge difference between enjoying your life and being ready to share it with someone, and looking to someone to make you feel ok about your life and to be co-dependent with.

Have you had previous relationship experiences that are making you nervous?

What you're looking for, is where you're looking from.

@SophieSong I don't believe codependency is healthy. Looking for your value in somebody else is not a good place to be.

I have fallen foul to this in a ten year relationship that should have been a lot less. Sadly this man is the father of my two children so we will always be around each other but this is also a good reminder of what I don't want in a new relationship!

@noego can you break this down for me please? I'm not really sure what you mean.

Look at yourself from your heart and not your mind.

It initially sounds a bit cheesy, but I’m finding Marisa Peer’s I Am Enough book and links good.

new.iamenough.com

Thank you @QueenofWhatever I will find some time to have a listen to her posts. Is there any podcasts to follow?

I learned to love myself a bit more when I had kids (don’t do is just to learn to love yourself, but the principles apply). I would feed them healthy food, but eat rubbish myself, pay for expensive activities for them but balk at paying for a gym membership for myself, buy them clothes that they looked and felt great in while I shopped for bargains in charity shops, even though I could afford to buy new things. Eventually, something snapped and I decided to treat myself like I treated them. I started eating the healthy food I made for them, bought the gym membership, and started buying clothes I really liked instead of buying them just because they were a bargain. In short, I started treating myself as someone I loved and wanted the best for. I still love a rummage in a charity shop but I’m much more careful about what I really want and need. That’s a really long winded way of saying ‘treat yourself the way you would treat someone you loved’.

LellyMcKelly - I used to do that too, all my clothes were from eBay. All my food was from the bargain section!

I see a psychologist and I’ve come to realise, while I am happy in myself.

We must accept we are innately social creatures. You can be perfectly happy with who you are, and your life, and still crave the physical and emotional connection of a partner.

It doesn’t make you likely to be co-dependent just because you are following natural instinct.

Exercise, no smart phone, being outdoors, eating well all help - exercise and nutrition should not be underestimated.

Show yourself love and respect, always.

I too have had psychotherapy and would definitely recommend it!

Good thread..trying to learn to nurture myself more. I think it takes practice and determination. I have a long way to go but these pointers are a good start.

I often laugh at my own jokes... maybe thats a bit of self love?

@WhatWhyWhen what you have written has really struck a chord with me.

Yes, we are social creatures. It is ok to want that partnership or relationship and it's ok for it to matter! It doesn't have to be self love or partner love. Why not both?

Again I have found myself trying to take on the opinion of somebody I care deeply for and mould myself into somebody that they can love. That is a hard pill to swallow! It looks like I need to consider strategies for avoiding that way of thinking rather than believing I don't love myself. I need to understand why I do that! I think that will bring some peace to me.

Thanks for inspiration.

This is interesting. I don't like myself very much at all, why? Probably because I'm alone, with few friends. I question why that is, and it's because I must be horrible must it?

Am I horrible? When I'm rational, no of course not, I'm a good person. When I'm low, I'm a waste of space and no point in me being here.

So I am co dependent on anyone who takes interest in me, seeking validation in others. I too am interested in how I can accept being me, and not question every time I feel rejected, that it's my fault.

I have been recommended 'The inner child' therapy which I have explored but not in depth. I don't even value myself enough to 'work' on me.

I am very good at masking though, so nobody apart from my nearest and dearest, would ever know.

Counselling is helping me. I was not loved as a child and therefore grew up despising myself and filled with self-loathing.

You'd never know it to look at me. I'm perfectly presented, successful and so on because I drive myself like a slave to constantly do better because any failure fills me with self-hatred.

I second the advice to treat yourself like you would someone else
special to you. It is very hard to break the years of punitive behaviour towards yourself, but pausing for a second and thinking "What am I doing here? Would I expect someone else to do this, put up with this etc? No, so I'm not going to do that to myself either."

For me, the biggest hurdle is remembering to pause and not immediately act. If I buy myself time, remember myself and that I matter too, then I can usually make a better decision for myself. If that all makes sense!