Loving yourself

[Thisismyusernamefornow]

How do you learn to love yourself? What are the tools for finding inner peace? And making sure you don't seek happiness in somebody else?

I'm all for sharing happiness with a partner, don't get me wrong. But how do you find that in yourself?

@MargoLovebutter pause! This is something I've been trying to do in all sorts of situations in day to day life. It really does help with lots! Being less reactive has definitely been a bonus!

Agree with exercise as boring as it sounds. I exercise everyday now and am a far more balanced and happy person with a healthier mindset. I have cut down on drinking alcohol a lot and this has also contributed to my mental wellbeing. I used to crave highs and lows, but now I am more on an even keel and that makes me like myself more. I have inherent low self esteem but exercise, healthy eating, sleep and talking to the universe (as wanky as that sounds) have all set me on a better path.

I think many people struggle to love themselves, indeed I did for years. Psychotherapy has helped me immeasurably, it’s taught me why I do certain things, mechanisms to stop me making bad choices and finding inner peace.

I live my life for myself and my dd, not for my dp or anyone else. It’s about doing the things you love for you and not for others. I cut out the people that were doing me grave harm, stopped old patterns and let the people who truly love me back in. It’s been a long process and I’m still working on the whole self love.

@Mummadeeze you know, I've started talking to the universe (mainly crying 😂) and it's actually responding!

I just said to my friend even if it's in my head it's a coping mechanism and a useful tool so why the hell not!

What kind of cost and commitment is required for psychotherapy?

Different psychotherapists charge different fees. Mine charges £60 a session, but I don’t go every week. I’ve been going for coming up 2 years though

It sounds like an investment worth forming out for though. Would you agree?

Absolutely agree re psychotherapy. My therapist agreed to see me for a reduced fee of £35.

Best money I’ve ever spent although my cleaner is a close second

How’s your self esteem?

You can usually get CBT for low self esteem on the NHS. In my area you’re eligible for up to eighteen hour long sessions with a trained registered psychotherapist. Just search for your local IAPT, ring and self refer.

This is also awesome and free. It’s a workbook you print and work through that helps you understand where your low self esteem comes from and what keeps it going here and now, teaches you skills and tools to improve it. Based on CBT. Some really useful pure information sheets on this page too to learn more and see whether you think what it’s talking about resonates with you:

www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself/Self-Esteem

If you decide to access private therapy make sure they’re registered and qualified, checked out the BABCP register. Ask what modality they use and for a rough idea/treatment plan of how they’d help you with your specific issue (learning to love yourself). There are a lot of charlatans out there either not qualified in any recognised evidence based therapeutic technique, or well meaning people who use a bit of whatever they fancy ad hoc but can string you along paying through the nose for months with very little tangible benefit.

I also pay £60 for an hour and I see a fully registered and experienced psychotherapist. I've been going for about 2 years too and would say it is worth it. I had 48 years worth of demons to deal with, so it was never going to be an overnight transformation - but I am definitely improving.

I occasionally (when nobody is listening) talk aloud to myself as if I were my own friend.

I'm a big fan of talking to myself too. Problem is I end up listening to myself 🤣🤣🤣

What does Co dependent mean, in simple terms?

Codependency is a behavioural condition in a relationship where one person enables another person's addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement. Among the core characteristics of codependency is an excessive reliance on other people for approval and a sense of identity.

(Source: Wikipedia)

You can get reduced cost therapy in lots of places, probably mainly cities.
I don't believe CBT is helpful for deep rooted negative beliefs.
Try listening to your inner voice.
Is it telling you that there's something wrong with you, that you're not good enough, that you're a worthless piece of crap.
That's where your answers lie.

For me it was not letting any more men use me and take me for granted. I became a lot more selective about who I spent my time with and realised that as a single mum I needed more respect. I went on to meet my husband but I only think I did meet him because I had changed my mentality.

I always liked "who" I was but what really made a difference for me was tangible things. I also "dated" myself, so I started buying myself flowers, cooking nice meals for myself, invested time in my hobbies etc. Friends are important but you can't get everything from a friend that you would from a partner. So I think you have to provide certain things for yourself. Like an extra level of care. Now I treat myself so well that my bar for anyone I dated would be very high The way I see it now is that if someone can't treat me like I'd treat myself, why would I date them? I think where people go wrong is by thinking "loving yourself" is all in your head, whereas I think that there are practical steps you can take also that make a big difference.

I’m in a very good place lately. I had a terrible childhood, abusive and neglectful, parental addiction and my father died tragically. I was very damaged for a long time and then something changed to help me like myself... I stopped letting anyone else’s thoughts or expectations or pettiness become a factor in my life.

I started putting myself first and foremost, as no one else ever really had. I looked after myself and started doing things I really always wanted to do, usually on my own because no one else really fancied it and so would say no. Nothing stopped me. I wrote everyday in my journal. I went to places I knew I’d enjoy and lift my mood. I began to trust my choices and work out that I did know what was best for me. I took off other people’s expectations like a musty old coat and threw them away. I owned all the awful things that had happened to me, and told myself that the person I was before other people hurt me was still there and shining, I just had to cultivate her and give her the things she needed. I did meditation and yoga and spent a lot of time on my own. I still do when I feel everything start to become overwhelming. As Aria also said, I’d talk to myself out loud and only say positive things. It’s really hard, you have to look very deeply in to yourself and accept the not so nice bits too, no one is a saint, but understanding yourself and why you feel and respond to things the way you do, is because of the way you’ve been treated too. Strip everything away and look at the pureness inside.

I get that this all sounds like shit psychobabble, I agree but it helped me. In short, nurture yourself x

@CrystalShark I don't know how my self esteem is. How do you measure that?

Listen and read Melissa Wells. That will be a good start

@Gottobefree I can't find anything on Melissa wells. What
Has she written? I checked Spotify and sound cloud too.

melwells.com/