Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH and inheritance

83 replies

Funlovingpastacat · 07/09/2019 15:42

Nc for this in case too much detail
I've been with DH about 18 years and he met my parents maybe 3 months after we got together. We used to go for meals at theirs, or they came to ours. When we had DC they babysat quite regularly.
My DM died several years ago and after that, we saw my Ddad less, he went out more, went on holidays and created a very structured routine to his week, i think to stop himself having so much time at home alone.
Since DM died i would say DH has probably come with me about 40-50% of the times i have visited Ddad with DC. Sometimes he had prior commitments, other times i felt annoyed as he prioritised hobbies or was watching something on tv etc
A few months ago Ddad became quite unwell. I asked DH to come over one day as i needed to move some things at Ddads house to make it wheelchair friendly. He said he would but had to arrange a time convenient to what he was doing that day. That was about 7-8 weeks ago. I have been visiting 2-3 times a week with and without DC, and Ddads condition has deteriorated considerably, that we are probably thinking he has weeks if not days left.
The other day DH asked me had i thought what "we " should do with my inheritance.
I found it really insensitive, and said we shouldn't talk about it. Then he said what he thought would be a good idea.
I am really pissed off that he is thinking of ideas of how to spend my dads inheritance before he has passed and that he has not made any effort to visit recently (admittedly he was at work some of the time but not every time).
I also see his parents more than he does!

OP posts:
Berthatydfil · 07/09/2019 15:45

Omg that’s awful.
I would be telling him that WE wouldn’t be doing anything with MY inheritance, and make sure I put it in an account in my name and if and when I spent it it would be on ME.

Chuffingchuff · 07/09/2019 15:47

Wow. That's really insensitive.

DoctorAllcome · 07/09/2019 15:48

Is there a backstory? Have your DH and dad had a falling out in the past?

Caselgarcia · 07/09/2019 15:48

I'd casually comment 'oh we don't need to worry about an inheritance, he told me it's all going to charity'.

Original poster
Funlovingpastacat · 07/09/2019 15:50

*DoctorAllcome

Is there a backstory? Have your DH and dad had a falling out in the past?*

Not as far as i know they are both pretty laid back, non confrontational type of people. They didnt agree on everything but have never had any issues as far as I'm aware.

OP posts:
Guiltypleasures001 · 07/09/2019 16:14

So sorry about your dear Dad op,

Would it be insensitive to ask what your dh intends spending said money on?

Livebythecoast · 07/09/2019 16:18

I'm so sorry to hear about your Dad.
I too have lost both parents, Mum first then Dad more recently. I got an inheritance. My DP and I have been together 20 years and DP and Dad got on really well but he has never asked for or commented on the money. He knows how hard my parents worked for that money and although it wasn't a life changing amount, it's put away and although I don't think 'it's all mine ', it's there for the future.
I would find that very insensitive of your DH. If you're anything like me I found it very upsetting when the money came through as it symbolised what we had lost to have it. My Dad left our DD15 money for when she is older too. She would rather her lovely Grandparents back than any money in the world. An inheritance is not like a lottery win. It should be respected.
Flowers for you through this difficult time

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 07/09/2019 16:24

My dh recently inherited a large sum of money from his parents. Nothing to do with me what he spends it on, it’s not my money. Your dh is a twat.

YouJustDoYou · 07/09/2019 16:24

Jesus, so he's sat there rubbing his greedy little hands over money he thinks you're both getting, and he;s already spending it in his head and your poor dad isn't even gone yet? It's disgusting. My step-father's sisters to this with his lovely dm who is still with us, their behaviour is immoral and vile. This kind of thing makes me so angry, how grim of him. Says a lot about his kind of character, to be honest.

lawnmowingsucks · 07/09/2019 16:27

So sorry about your dad

and your husband needs to butt out. Not his money. Tell him to fuck off

user1471449295 · 07/09/2019 16:35

I’m sorry about your dad op.
What your dh said is appalling and insensitive. I would also say that he’s left it all to charity

Saucy99 · 07/09/2019 17:12

Surely once it is given to you it will become family money?

Hopoindown31 · 07/09/2019 17:13

Have you spoken to him about it or are you silently ruminating? I suggest talking.

How often do you visit his parents?

I personally think that thinking about the financial future is prudent but I suppose if you are already pissed off at him it could come across as insensitive.

Also ignore those on here who suggest cutting him out of any decision with the inheritance. You are married. There is a real "what's yours is mine and what's mine is mine" attitude on here. I find it odd.

Skittlenommer · 07/09/2019 17:17

Inheritance should be off the table!! It’s disgusting it’s put into the divorce pot too (I think the same for the pension).

FamilyOfAliens · 07/09/2019 17:19

My DH’s inheritance from his DM was used to pay off our mortgage and my unexpected inheritance from my aunt was used to buy DD a house.

I can’t imagine not considering both inheritances as family money.

OhTheRoses · 07/09/2019 17:23

I am sorry about your dad Flowers.
Does it partly depend on your family unit's approach to funds? If you have one pot as so many do here, perhaps it's a little natural to make assumptions that money is shared. I think too if this is the first bereavement your dh perhaps has to learn how to behave. Like some people have to learn to deal with parenthood and a change to the status quo - not that it makes his insensitivity easier to bear.

DH didn't queztion my inhwritance when my dad died but we always had independent money. I have, however, never forgiven the attitude of my step father when my grandad died. He took my mother directly to the solicitors to discuss the estate and its division between her and me.

I am sorry op. Sit him down and discuss his approach. and if you don't have one, open your own bank account for the sad day when funds will be transferred

PicsInRed · 07/09/2019 17:31

I would immediately - Monday - speak with a solicitor about that inheritance and what steps you can take to protect it. This may include immediately leaving your marriage.

Reading your story and his callousness around your father (and leaving you to deal with his own parents), I'm sure there is a back story and this could be your opportunity to get out.

Be aware that inheritance almost invariably goes in the "pot" but that will be much more likely if you are together if/when your father dies. I'm so sorry. Flowers

billy1966 · 07/09/2019 17:37

OP, not one bit surprised you are upset.

Your husband is vulgar and crass and worst and an insensitive arse at best.

If there is a lot of money at stake and he is an arse generally, please take note of the other poster's advice.

Wishing you strength over the coming weeks 💐

KUGA · 07/09/2019 17:39

So sorry about your Dad.Air hugs.
Your dh is way out of order.
You inherit after the person has passed not whilst they are still with us .
How insensitive is that
And it`s your inheritance not his money grabbing shit head.

MaryBoBary · 07/09/2019 17:43

Why would you not want to share it with your husband? I may be wrong but I think if you were to divorce he would be entitled to 50% because you are married and you vowed to share these things when you got married.

I agree it is insensitive of him to mention it, but if we are honest, do we not all assume that both us and our spouses will share our inheritance when the time comes?

OhTheRoses · 07/09/2019 17:49

Yes MaryBoBarry perhaps we do. But we do not speak of it. DH will inherit soon. I know roughly how much but we will not discuss it. My inheritance wasnspent on a family thing but I raised it first and DH regarded it as my money.

Rockbird · 07/09/2019 18:00

That's not the point though Mary. The poor man is still here and hopefully will be for as long as possible. The OP is understandably upset about her father and her husband is doing nothing only counting the pennies. My DH is an absolute star but I'd be pissed off if he said that.

serialtester · 07/09/2019 18:01

Marybobarry - you don't mention it whilst the parent is very ill. Totally insensitive and awful.

burnttoastandjam · 07/09/2019 18:03

Incredibly insensitive. I would tell him that you have found it so upsetting and ask him never to broach the subject again. You will approach him when the time is right.

Mumofboth · 07/09/2019 18:07

How disgusting. Unfortunately, it’s more and more common. My sister in laws have already fallen out over my in-laws wills and both parents are fit and well. It’s a grabby, shitty attitude and while I personally wouldn’t think twice about sharing it with my DH it’s a conversation that happens when YOU decide. Tell your husband it’s not up for discussion.