DH and inheritance

[Funlovingpastacat]

Nc for this in case too much detail
I've been with DH about 18 years and he met my parents maybe 3 months after we got together. We used to go for meals at theirs, or they came to ours. When we had DC they babysat quite regularly.
My DM died several years ago and after that, we saw my Ddad less, he went out more, went on holidays and created a very structured routine to his week, i think to stop himself having so much time at home alone.
Since DM died i would say DH has probably come with me about 40-50% of the times i have visited Ddad with DC. Sometimes he had prior commitments, other times i felt annoyed as he prioritised hobbies or was watching something on tv etc
A few months ago Ddad became quite unwell. I asked DH to come over one day as i needed to move some things at Ddads house to make it wheelchair friendly. He said he would but had to arrange a time convenient to what he was doing that day. That was about 7-8 weeks ago. I have been visiting 2-3 times a week with and without DC, and Ddads condition has deteriorated considerably, that we are probably thinking he has weeks if not days left.
The other day DH asked me had i thought what "we " should do with my inheritance.
I found it really insensitive, and said we shouldn't talk about it. Then he said what he thought would be a good idea.
I am really pissed off that he is thinking of ideas of how to spend my dads inheritance before he has passed and that he has not made any effort to visit recently (admittedly he was at work some of the time but not every time).
I also see his parents more than he does!

He doesn't really acre about your dad does he OP?
He's shown you that he can't be arsed visiting him, helping him - or even supporting YOU when you ask.

In the past he has made some big financial decisions, knowing that i didnt agree to
and despite not giving two shits about your dad he DH asked me had i thought what "we " should do with my inheritance

I think you need to take your blinkres off OP.
Don't let the inheritance enter a 'family' account or be used for 'family' stuff.....has he repaid the JOINT money HE spent without consulting you?

He sounds like a narcissistic nobhead who's only interested in getting his hands on your inheritance - which he will then persuade you to spend as HE sees fit.

My DP asked me what 'we' would be spending his inheritance on and when I said I hadn't thought about it, it was his inheritance, he paid off a chunk of the joint mortgage and gave me a lump sum to do what I wanted with. I would have done the same.

This is different though OP, the timing is deeply insensitive and crass. I'd not give him any details of amounts and i would be wondering why I was with him. The lack of care towards your dear dad says a lot about his character, and unfortunately the extent to which he meaningfully cares for your feelings. I would worry he will be no support when the time of you DF's passing comes. It's a huge deal OP and you deserve far better, and to be supported and have it acknowledged; which he is not doing

Is there a backstory? Has he issues around dealing with death? It seems a bit beyond the pail to be be so distant about it as he is being.

Aside from his gross insensitivity, it often takes quite a while for an estate to be dealt with - it's taken over a year each time I've received an inheritance (some more substantial than others). So it really doesn't need to be discussed now.

So sorry about your Dad.

Your DH is awful. Not willing to help your dad or you at this terribly difficult and sad time but already asking about DFs money.

I would definitely be putting it in account in your name only especially as he has previously made those big financial decisions knowing you weren't in favour of them. He sounds very selfish.

What an awful thing to say! Make sure you tell him there is nothing there (fonated to charity or whatever) and don’t involve him in any of the inheritance proceedings. Even if sadly he is legally entitled to half of it if you split, I would keep it well away from his reach for now.

And I am sorry your dad is unwell. I hope you get help and support from family to look after him xx

he will only be legally entitled to it if either OP's dad specifically states in his will that it's for her family OR she puts into a joint account and then uses that money for family stuff like mortgage/renovations/holidays etc.

DH and I share our money. Our respective retirement lump sums will go into savings in our joint names. Within the last 12 months we have both lost our mothers. DH will get a smallish inheritance and I will get a tiny one. WE will each give half to each other. I thought that was what being married was all about. In relation to OP neither of us saw much of the other's mother in recent years.

My XP kept telling me how well off he'd be once his parents 'went'. They are both very much still with us and hale and hearty edging into their eighties.

I took the wind out of his sails (because I thought it was the height of bad form to keep banging on about how rich he'd be) by telling him that all the money may have to go in care costs if either or both of them became incapacitated.

Made him stop and think. Can you mention this to your DH, OP? That if you can't struggle on caring for your DDad at home, then all your inheritance may get taken up with care fees? See how he reacts?

Well he has shown his true colours hasn’t he OP? And it’s not a pretty sight.

I think it's mentioned above but I'm sure that inheritances are not automatically family money. They can and often do stay separate. On divorce they can be considered part of marital assets but I think even then it's not treated the same as a bank account etc.

@Zaphodsotherhead
I took the wind out of his sails (because I thought it was the height of bad form to keep banging on about how rich he'd be) by telling him that all the money may have to go in care costs if either or both of them became incapacitated.

Made him stop and think. Can you mention this to your DH, OP? That if you can't struggle on caring for your DDad at home, then all your inheritance may get taken up with care fees? See how he reacts?

^ That’s an excellent point and a good tactic to use to suss out your husband’s potential attitude or turn of feelings @Funlovingpastacat.

Update if anyone still following.
Ddad sadly passed away last month (round a week after i posted) after spending a few weeks in a care home.
His will leaves an amount to charity, an amount to each GC and the rest of his estate split between me and my sibling.
Its been v difficult and sad, obviously.
I'm still finding it a struggle and DH just wants to clear the house asap. My sibling and i would like to sell some things and go through everything before getting house clearers in. DH insists unless we are chucking stuff out there is nothing he can do (i don't want to drag him and DC there every time i go) There is loads to do but not sure if he's got the patience to pack glasses or plates into a box or sort through clothes/bedding to see if anything is usable.

I'm really sorry about your loss op.

The bottom line here is do this in your own time, and an inheritance isn't necessarily family money, you get final say. Don't think of that now, do the house clearance when you feel able. Don't let anyone push you.

Your husband is being horribly insensitive. Quite shockingly so.

He is a dick. I'm sorry.

Take the time you need to do what you and your sibling want.

I lost my mother last year unexpectedly. Everything has been on my sister's terms since then. I've had to let that go.

I’m sorry for your loss op.

Some people do have more of a practical approach to these things, especially if they aren’t actually related to those involved, but dh should be respectful of your feelings.

Sorry for your loss OP.

To those questioning why the OP doesn’t consider inheritance to be family money you are spectacularly missing the point. OP’s dad wasn’t even dead yet at that point and her DH was talking about what to spend the inheritance on? Crass in the extreme.

The more of these types of threads I read the more I think that money brings out the worst in people. Especially, it would seem, other people’s money and peoples sense of entitlement to it.

OP, take all the time you need to. There’s no rush. .

Sorry for your loss, OP.

And that's what it is. Your loss. Your inheritance. Your choice.

When my gran died, a relative bought the house. It was 2.5 years before we got our inheritance!

Last month! Your husband sounds beyond selfish.

DH just wants to clear the house asap

'Piss off, you couldn't be arsed to even show the most basic care or respect when Dad was alive so please keep your selfish, greedy little snout out of any of the arangements I will be making about my parents' house. And rest assured, you'll be consulted as much as I have been in the past when it comes to any financial decisions relating to Dad's estate - ie, not consulted.'

Oh dear OP, I know what you are going through and honestly, you need to proceed at your own pace now. No one who has not gone through it can imagine the depth of grief and loss that comes from losing your second parent as it brings to light the grief of the first parent’s death and also the realisation that your childhood is now gone forever. And selling the family home is traumatic so I would take lots and lots of time over this. Ignore your DH. Tell him you will do things in your own time. I found it best to do it with my siblings and without DH abs DC just because it was so upsetting and only we understood each other.

Also, probate can take years so you may not be selling up as quickly as your DH expects either!

I’m really sorry for your loss.

It sounds best to keep your husband away from it. And tell him all money is going to charity. Or even to say there’s none. I would get a solicitor (different one from your current one with husband) to do some kind of will that if anything happens for the money to be kept with you. Give a copy of your dads will to solicitor too. I asked this when I did a will and she said if I were to marry and wanted my money not to go to my husband then to go back to her. One thing I learnt from my DD’s father is not to tell anyone about savings. He knew about mine and tried to get it out of me. He said things like “it’ll be safer from anybody if it went in his name”. Now I don’t tell a partner no matter how much I would love him. And DD’s father is off the scene and owes me around 10k in child maintenance from the past 6 years.

Regardless of how your DH felt about your DF (and it doesn't sound like there was any friction there), your DH is being massively cold and unfeeling towards YOU.

Even if he didn't see the point of visiting your DF when he was alive, he should have done it to support YOU. He has no excuse for not knowing this. You explicitly asked him.

Even if he doesn't see the point of going to help sort the house out right now, he should be doing it to support YOU.

The inheritance thing is just all part and parcel of the same selfish, lazy, unsympathetic attitude. Yes, it's bad, but so is all the rest of his behaviour here.

His wife has just lost a much loved parent, and he's being utterly unfeeling and unsupportive. Not only does he not care about his FIL, he doesn't care about his wife.

Thank you all x DH is not in a hurry to get the house on the market or sold, just cleared, and we both realise its going to be a long process.
I guess having not yet lost a parent its hard to understand the enormity and finality of it.
I suppose i just feel a bit unsupported and overwhelmed by it.

I'm sorry OP

It also sounds like your partner isn't being very supportive. I've asked friends before if they would like help sorting out their parents house, because there is always things someone can do but mainly for emotional support as it's always going to be upsetting. He should be wanting to help you