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Original poster

DH and inheritance

83 replies

Funlovingpastacat · 07/09/2019 15:42

Nc for this in case too much detail
I've been with DH about 18 years and he met my parents maybe 3 months after we got together. We used to go for meals at theirs, or they came to ours. When we had DC they babysat quite regularly.
My DM died several years ago and after that, we saw my Ddad less, he went out more, went on holidays and created a very structured routine to his week, i think to stop himself having so much time at home alone.
Since DM died i would say DH has probably come with me about 40-50% of the times i have visited Ddad with DC. Sometimes he had prior commitments, other times i felt annoyed as he prioritised hobbies or was watching something on tv etc
A few months ago Ddad became quite unwell. I asked DH to come over one day as i needed to move some things at Ddads house to make it wheelchair friendly. He said he would but had to arrange a time convenient to what he was doing that day. That was about 7-8 weeks ago. I have been visiting 2-3 times a week with and without DC, and Ddads condition has deteriorated considerably, that we are probably thinking he has weeks if not days left.
The other day DH asked me had i thought what "we " should do with my inheritance.
I found it really insensitive, and said we shouldn't talk about it. Then he said what he thought would be a good idea.
I am really pissed off that he is thinking of ideas of how to spend my dads inheritance before he has passed and that he has not made any effort to visit recently (admittedly he was at work some of the time but not every time).
I also see his parents more than he does!

OP posts:
Original poster
Funlovingpastacat · 07/09/2019 19:13

Thanks for all the replies. I would definitely treat any inheritance as family money and wouldn't dream of spending without discussing first. I guess i felt it would be up to me to raise, as and when the time comes.
In the past he has made some big financial decisions, knowing that i didnt agree to ,one of which didn't pan out as he expected so i would like more input in any potential future spending.
DH does get on v well with his own family/parents i was just putting for reference that i see them more often, rather than we each see our own parents if that makes sense.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 07/09/2019 19:17

The other day DH asked me had i thought what "we " should do with my inheritance.

Regardless of the money that's a horrible thing to say when someone much loved may not have that long. I would find it very hard to get past that.

PicsInRed · 07/09/2019 19:22

If he pissed a whole lot of family money down the pan on pipe dream ego boosting "investments", and without even consulting you, I not only would expect say in how my own inheritance was spent, I would expect to make the decision entirely by myself.

Didiusfalco · 07/09/2019 19:28

Jesus, are some people not reading the post properly. The mans not bloody died yet. It doesn’t matter what dh thinks the money should be spent on, your dads still alive and it’s exceptionally insensitive and crass of him to bring up the money.

CupoTeap · 07/09/2019 19:30

Op I'm so sorry about your ddad Thanks

Tell him it was insensitive and you don't want him to raise it again. He needs to support you more.

RandomMess · 07/09/2019 19:34

Honestly IF you get any inheritance ring fence it as your own and don't spend it until you are in the right place and then decide if you want to make it marital money or not.

You've certainly seen an unkind side to your DH Sad

Fairylea · 07/09/2019 19:36

He is being insensitive.

But I’m confused by a lot of these replies - if you are married all assets / savings etc are surely 50/50? Or am I wrong?

Gothamgirl1970 · 07/09/2019 19:43

@PicsInRed you are absolutely right

OP are you legally married? If so no matter how disgusting and despicable I think that your OH main concern is not about your Dear Daddy’s health and comfort not to mention your emotional fragility in this heartbreaking situation, he’s thinking of financial gain, I believe that legally if you are legally married you can’t keep the money separated from your OH as it was acquired during the marriage. Even if you divorced he would still have a claim on it.

See a solicitor about your options ASAP.

Knitclubchatter · 07/09/2019 19:59

50/50 doesn't mean you split any incoming money 50/50? a very strange idea to me.
OP your dh has very bad timing and his mouth was in gear before his brain. insensitive for sure.
although financial discussions are important, you are right that this discussion will be for you to take the lead on when you are ready.

RandomMess · 07/09/2019 20:02

@Fairylea inheritance isn't part of the marital assets unless you spend it on something to directly benefit the family like pay of the mortgage etc.

Do it's not automatically shared assets, I was shocked to find this out too.

SunshineAngel · 07/09/2019 20:04

We had a similar situation in our family recently, when an uncle died and left everything to my grandmother (his sister) and she split it between me and my mum, who had cared for him for 6 years. Other family members tried to get their claim, and my partner similarly said what shall we do, can we get a new car, etc. I said no, because how many times did you offer to help me with him, or agree to come when I asked? None. Literally never met him.

So, I invested the majority of it, and bought myself a car (we'd previously shared one) so I guess he benefited from it indirectly as it meant he had the other car to himself.

We since split up though, as he was hugely selfish in many ways.

FeltCarrot · 07/09/2019 20:12

Incredibly insensitive to talk about inheritance from your dad while he is still alive, but I agree with other posters that in our house, any money that comes in is family money, apart from birthday/Christmas presents.

FinallyHere · 07/09/2019 20:12

@Caselgarcia genius.

I'd casually comment 'oh we don't need to worry about an inheritance, he told me it's all going to charity'.

Bubbletrouble43 · 07/09/2019 20:20

Yeah, I'd be pretty appalled if dp started fantasizing about spending my dad's money before he had even died. Gross.

Ginger1982 · 07/09/2019 20:21

At the end of the day we'd all like to think we have the kind of relationships where we'd willing share any inheritance with our spouses but it's not always the case, hence why it's not a matrimonial asset unless used for the benefit of family etc.

Fairylea · 07/09/2019 20:59

@RandomMess wow I’m really surprised by that.

(We’ve just inherited ££££ from my Mum, she died in March. I am going to use it to pay off our mortgage anyway but always assumed it would belong to dh and I equally)!

hidingmystatus · 07/09/2019 21:57

Money and assets - and debts - are NOT joint unless explicitly made so, regardless of being married. They belong to the person in whose name they are.
IF a divorce happens, THEN all the assets and liabilities are taken into account, but they are NOT joint.

So if you inherit, that is YOUR money. You may choose to share it, if that's what you want. You may not. It simply depends on how your family finances work.

If you decide to divorce, then it may be taken into account - and that differs depending on where in the UK you might live, too.

billy1966 · 07/09/2019 22:19

@SunshineAngel

Well played👏

SandyY2K · 08/09/2019 00:11

I'd be very upset and angry if my DH said this. I'd also be thinking if I really want to stay in the marriage.

I wouldn't consider any money my DH inherited as mine. He hopefully would feel the same...but who knows.

Rockos · 08/09/2019 08:48

Wow what a prick. You are dealing with a very poorly parent and he’s asking about his money! That’s disgusting. Personally that would put me off him. Has he even been to do what you asked and help move his stuff to accommodate his wheelchair?

Idontwanttotalk · 08/09/2019 10:01

OP,
Firstly, I am very sorry to hear about your DF and hope both you and he come to terms with his impending death and find acceptance of the situation. I hope he feels comforted that you are there for him and pray it is as pain-free and peaceful as possible. Flowers

I would be incandescent with rage if my husband contemplated what to do with my inheritance before my DF had even passed. How utterly insensitive. Your husband sounds so selfish too in putting stupid things like watching a TV programme or doing a hobby before visiting your very poorly father. It shows you the man he is.

I would seek legal advise on whether my future inheritance found be protected from him. I can honestly say, if my husband had asked how we would spend the inheritance before my DF had died, I would divorce him.

He has shown you who he really is by asking this and by his pathetic excuses for not visiting your DF. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with such an insensitive, money-minded, self-centred individual?

timeisnotaline · 08/09/2019 10:05

Hmm. I’d be tempted to say he knows about x and y (events where dh has made big financial decisions without you) and notices that he never sees you so said something about a trust fund in my name.

In our family inheritances would be joint money. But so are decisions.

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 08/09/2019 20:30

I’d be tempted to say well I would have shared ‘my’ inheritance with you if you’d made an effort with ‘my’ dad but seeing as you didn’t, well...

LolaSmiles · 08/09/2019 21:06

He's being insensitive and rude.

It could be grabby and money focused, or it could be thinking he's being prudent and not thinking. Only you will know.

If he has any sense then he'll realise he screwed up and say no more.

Dowser · 08/09/2019 21:17

Shocking
I received a substantial inheritance a couple of years ago and not once did dh think about how ‘we ‘ would spend it or ask for a penny.
He got a £100 bottle of whisky for the help he gave me with her (and a static caravan that we both love)

He knows that money will benefit us both and keeps us in a good standard of living

If it had been his inheritance I wouldn’t have expected anything from him

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