So upset. Long sorry.

[Notupforthisthanks]

NC for this. My husband and I have a difficult marriage. We have done couples counselling and have agreed to give our marriage until the end of this year. He had what he claims was a only an EA last year, I suspect the only reason it didn't become physical was because OW binned him off. There is no trust in the relationship. He is also in complete denial about some physical things that he has done to me saying that I consented when I blatantly didn't. We have two DC and last year when we agreed to a trial separation prior to counselling, 10 year old DC had a complete meltdown to the point where he was receiving counselling through school. DS is basically our biggest reason for trying to make our marriage work for this year. Fortunately DD is young enough not to be affected. Along with the fact that if we divorce H will make sure that I can no longer afford to do anything fun for me because he knows that my hobby is my lifeline to help maintain my sanity when life is hard.
This week is our wedding anniversary. On his way home from work last night he left a very excited message about the wonderful anniversary present he had bought me. I avoided bringing the subject up last night. I have just found the present. A fecking ann summers whip and silicone handcuffs. It was in a bag with an anniversary card so definitely intended for me. He's obviously decided that for our anniversary he wants to tie me down and use the whip because I know the sort of thing he is into (which is very different to what I enjoy). We haven't had sex together for months because he was depressed and didn't want it (or possibly just me) and we've had issues regarding sex anyway due to previous things that have happened between us but now he's clearly intent on going from zero straight to a bit of low level S&M. Because of things that have gone on before between us (please read into that abuse) I have big issues just at the thought of him wanting to use the handcuffs to the point where I'm currently tearful, shaking and feel sick.
What the hell do I do?! If I leave him it will absolutely destroy our DS who is currently fairly happy. If I stay with him I will have shit like this to deal with. If I leave him he will stop me from being able to financially afford the hobby that is my escape from the shit stuff in life. I feel trapped and I don't know what to do.

Oh my god. I’m so sorry. You do need to leave, you know that right? It will be better for both your children to have a happy mother. What is the hobby? Maybe people can help you think of ways to keep involved/not have to drop it.

The shit stuff in life is mostly him, though. Make the break, you'll be in control of your own life and finances.

The hobby is my horse. I've always had a horse ever since I was a young child and getting out for a gallop is the only way I can cope with life a lot of the time. My DC get a huge amount out of the horse as well so having to give up would be very upsetting for all three of us. A riding school wouldn't be an option because it would work out more expensive for the three of us to have lessons than keeping the one we already own.
My DS is so scared of us divorcing. At the slightest thing, he starts panicking asking if we are going to divorce. If I LTB I'm so scared what it will do to DS which is ultimately the biggest reason why I'm still struggling on.

He is the shit stuff in your life. If you leave him you may not need your current escape.
Your son will cope, you've said your son is 'fairly happy' so even he on some level knows that this is not good. He has a support network and will be happier and less anxious when you are.when you are

God I'm sorry sorry. He sounds dreadful.

You do have to leave. Your children will be fine and you will be happier (I say that as a single mum of a happy DD10)

Right now that hobby is your escape and I hope you don't have to give it up but once you separated perhaps you'll have to do it less but enjoy it more? It won't be an escape it will be simply something you love doing.

@Whosmadnow DS is currently only fairly happy because he thinks we are trying to stay together. If he sees any cracks between me and H he immediately becomes very distressed.

If you loan out your horse to another child for a few times a week or a month, the cost should help to keep your horse. My friend did this as costs were getting very expensive for where she kept the horse. She settled on a mum and her young girl who adored horses and felt they were a good fit. Maybe this is an option? X

You can not stay together because of the anxiety about something your child doesn't fully understand the implications of. Your child will grow into an adult and realise you stayed because of him. This is a massive burden.

You can work this out.

Maybe you can share a horse with others I know plenty of people who do this.

Definitely loan out your horse, there are genuine loaners out there. We had one for 6 years and myself and the kids loved him like he was our own.

@Opaljewel that would be fab but easier said than done. I live in a rural area where most people just have their own horse if they want to ride. I know a few friends have tried to find sharers for their horse and found it impossible because anyone good will already have their own. I think ultimately the only option would be to sell her which ironically would actually upset me more than getting divorced

It's not normal for your ds to be like that - he's obviously all too aware of the fragility of the relationship. It would be better for him on the other side of this. Of course he's fearful of change, but the reality would be better and calmer.

Don't make your son the reason for staying. It may upset him short term if you separate but think about the longterm damage it will do to him to see his mother stay with an abuser.

Your partner sounds quite frankly terrifying, I'd be freaking out finding that stuff too. Bin it and bin him.

Even more-so because you have kids cause you've to protect them.

When we were having the trial separation last year, my son suffered from more than anxiety. He was absolutely distraught. I've never seen anything like it. It was just awful.
Then there's the added problem of our house. We would have to sell up. The area we live in is notoriously difficult to sell property in. Similar properties to ours often take 3 or 4 years to sell, even when they are marketed at a low price. This will make it even harder to get the bastard out of my life because he is always making a big deal about it being his house and he will never leave it. I earn about 25% of what he does. I couldn't afford to move out and rent.

It’s the uncertainty that is causing him stress OP he can see it all and that is what is causing it
The plaster needs to come off for him and it all sorted YOU cannot stay.

A few nights ago I had a dream where H was killed in a road accident. The relief I felt when I woke up was incredibly. Then I realised that it was only a dream. This isn't normal to feel like this about your H.

But that's partially the uncertainty and chance/hope of things going back to "normal" with a trial separation - much more difficult to deal with than an ending.

I agree the uncertainty was probably far worse for your DS than just actually splitting.

Are you still seeing a therapist together? I would say to DH "I'll let the therapist explain why this gift is totally inappropriate..."

Do you love this man do you see a future togeather where you can be happy? Do you see a future without him where you can be happy? I understand your concerns for your son but we all have heard never stay togeather for the children, of corse it’s going to be upsetting for him if his parents separate but I’m quite sure it must be upsetting for him to also be living with parents who he obviously sees there are issues between as for the hobby that’s no reason to stay in a unhappy relationship and as for the abuse well you know he will never change

My sister is a teen and works in part-time jobs and affords her horse. There must be a way to do this or people like her and her friends would never afford to ride. I get that you’ve had a tough time but you seem to be anxiety led and catastrophising. With proper psychological support your DS will be fine. As long as you remain calm and solid and non dramatic then he will take his cue from you. I’m guessing the toxic nature of your marriage and all the upset has led to his anxiety. He’ll probably be much better when you’re in a normal, safe, calm environment away from your husband

Why should you gave to move out and rent? He sexually assaulted you right? Have him move out and rent. Make sure he knows that if he doesn't, you'll call the police/tell all your friends and family exactly what he did. Scare the shit out of him for a change.

You gotta get tough. He is an abusive pos and either you do whatever you need to do and sacrifice whatever you need to sacrifice to get away from that or you stay with him knowing that things will get considerably harder as time goes on.

Stop making your son an excuse, of course he freaked out but that's tough. You don't let children play around harmful things incase they get hurt, no matter how much they protest about it right? Same thing. If need be, arrange counciling for him. But you are the adult here and cannot let a child emotionally manipulate you. Otherwise he will turn out like dad too. Time to get tough.

I would try and get to the bottom of what is distressing your son. What is he imagining.
I know a divorce will rock his world, but there are ways you can make it gentler. He could probably benefit from some therapy during the process, but you cant protect him entirely, nor can you give up your own happiness.
Is there a way you can remain living close, but seperatly?

If he sees any cracks between me and H he immediately becomes very distressed

DS must be living in a fairly high state of anxiety for this to be the case OP and I'm not at all sure that isn't worse than just getting it over with for him. I understand you wanting to protect him but I think you're protecting him from the wrong thing.

Yes it will be initially devastating for him if you split but a new normal will emerge very quickly and things will settle down. Staying would mean he continues to live with the anxiety that you might split up and he gets to witness and internalise the abusive dynamic between you and H.

The damage growing up in the atmosphere you describe will cause, with your fear and loss of control becoming more and more evident, I honestly think it far exceeds any 'benefit' you see to staying. I really think you need to reframe this in your head, protecting DC from growing up in an abusive environment should be your priority, everything else (horse included) has to come way down the list compared to that.

If your dp loves his son he will recognise that losing his family and his horse at the same time is a double whammy. Sell it to your dp that keeping the horse will help ds mentally adjust - which is the truth.

H is very controlling. He earns £70k/year so his money isn't exactly tight. He uses money to manipulate both me and the kids. He expects me to ask permission before buying anything for myself. I am allowed the absolute bare minimum of housekeeping each week. When I run out I either have to top up from my small income or go to H with my begging bowl which he then tries to use against me. He throws money at the kids to buy their affection to make up for being a shit dad a lot of time.
When we have discussed divorce numerous times before, he has made a big deal about how if I leave him he will quit his job and take the lowest paid job he can find that he can get by on so he doesn't have to pay me anything. He has promised me that he would make sure I end up in a grotty tiny house without a penny to my name. He's such a bastard unfortunately I believe him.
The abuse involved waking up from a deep sleep to find him pinning me down and already having sex with me. According to him I consented. It's happened several times.
I can't go on like this. I don't know how to escape without being left without enough money to provide for the DC or screwing DS up. It's such a mess.

Can you get the costs for the horse down as low as possible? Are you renting grazing and could talk to the people who rent it to you and ask for a lower rate - or loan him out as a companion in return for grazing? If you live rurally a lot of people, if they know your situation, would let you graze for nothing. Drop his feed down as low as you can, get by on grass and hay, take his shoes off and just have feet trimmed rather than reshod, etc etc.

And you need to leave. You can't stay being abused simply for your DS, where would it end? Your DS will receive a lot more help for any anxiety whilst at school, but may exhibit the same problems as an adult or older teen, when it's harder to deal with.