So upset. Long sorry.

[Notupforthisthanks]

NC for this. My husband and I have a difficult marriage. We have done couples counselling and have agreed to give our marriage until the end of this year. He had what he claims was a only an EA last year, I suspect the only reason it didn't become physical was because OW binned him off. There is no trust in the relationship. He is also in complete denial about some physical things that he has done to me saying that I consented when I blatantly didn't. We have two DC and last year when we agreed to a trial separation prior to counselling, 10 year old DC had a complete meltdown to the point where he was receiving counselling through school. DS is basically our biggest reason for trying to make our marriage work for this year. Fortunately DD is young enough not to be affected. Along with the fact that if we divorce H will make sure that I can no longer afford to do anything fun for me because he knows that my hobby is my lifeline to help maintain my sanity when life is hard.
This week is our wedding anniversary. On his way home from work last night he left a very excited message about the wonderful anniversary present he had bought me. I avoided bringing the subject up last night. I have just found the present. A fecking ann summers whip and silicone handcuffs. It was in a bag with an anniversary card so definitely intended for me. He's obviously decided that for our anniversary he wants to tie me down and use the whip because I know the sort of thing he is into (which is very different to what I enjoy). We haven't had sex together for months because he was depressed and didn't want it (or possibly just me) and we've had issues regarding sex anyway due to previous things that have happened between us but now he's clearly intent on going from zero straight to a bit of low level S&M. Because of things that have gone on before between us (please read into that abuse) I have big issues just at the thought of him wanting to use the handcuffs to the point where I'm currently tearful, shaking and feel sick.
What the hell do I do?! If I leave him it will absolutely destroy our DS who is currently fairly happy. If I stay with him I will have shit like this to deal with. If I leave him he will stop me from being able to financially afford the hobby that is my escape from the shit stuff in life. I feel trapped and I don't know what to do.

Joint/relationship counselling where there is abuse and control is not a good idea.

Op, have you spoken with a counsellor on your own about the rape? You could speak to Rape Crisis.

Just catching up with your posts OP, have you actually looked into what your financial position would be if you split? What you might get in a divorce and what benefits/maintenance you would get? Lots of people assume it will be dire and they couldn't possibly manage, until they actually look into it, it might not be as bad as you think.

You can't continue living with him in fear and at the risk of being raped. Your son will be upset if you divorce but he will recover. Your psyche will not recover from repeated rapes.

I think you should speak to Women's Aid about this.

What about your parents? Could they help you?

He's got a lot of money hidden in accounts that I don't have access to including off shore accounts. I recently found out that he has a lot of savings he has kept hidden from me in ISA's too. Ultimately I guess after 8 years of marriage and 2 kids I would be entitled to 50% of everything but only the money I can actually prove exists.

Better to leave now before your son becomes a teen.
As much as you enjoy your hobby you'll find that life will be happier and calmer than now and will have a positive effect on your son.
We only regret when we don't do things sooner.

And I doubt very much that your husband would go from a £70K job to a minimum wage job. He will enjoy the prestige and the financial benefits far too much to do that. There's no point him making you live in poverty if he has to himself.

He won't do the job thing he is threatening. No way will he sacrifice his own spending money.

I actually think you need to speak to the police about some of this.

But we've all told you already you need to leave so...either you do or you don't. No need to keep adding to the story about how shit he is - we get it. You need to talk yourself into leaving him because unless you do that, clearly nothing we say will make a difference.

He's also financially abusing you.

This behaviour of his, coercive control, financial abuse and rape, are all illegal and fall under domestic abuse.

You could speak to Women's Aid for advice.

I think you will find ways round with the horse, once you're out. There's a charity called refuge4pets who foster animals while people are coming out of domestic abuse situations. I don't know if they cover your area or if they would take on a horse but you might find there's more help out there than you think.

I asked the counsellor if I could have an individual session with him but he felt that wouldn't be fair to my husband.
Women's aid said that if I went to the police I could potentially get him locked up for quite a long time but again, I don't know if it would be fair to put my DC through that because he is still their dad at the end of the day.
My parents are in their 70's with poor health. I don't feel comfortable burdening them with this. They have enough problems of their own health issues.

They can use forensic accountants to find all his hidden money. He has a larger earning potential and you have little, you are very likely to get a much bigger share of the "pot".

You absolutely need specialist Advice.

Gather as much evidence as you can about his abuse and money. Knowledge is power

a grotty tiny house without a penny to my name

But it could be a grotty tiny house that was full of love. And that would be better.

Do you realise he is abusing your DC? He isn't a good Dad to them at all.

I think that if you continue in this marriage you are putting your physical and mental health at risk. I understand that it must be heartbreaking for you to see your son so distressed but he will learn to cope. If you falter, ask yourself how he’ll cope if you break, which will be a very real possibility if you stay in this situation.

Do you have a CAB in your area? Could you make an appointment with a benefits advisor to see what you’d be entitled to in terms of partial housing benefit etc? This is exactly what benefits are designed for.

I know three women who have horses. All of them are single parents with no child maintenance from the fathers of their children and who are on low incomes. One lives rurally and has managed to find a farmer to whom she pays a nominal amount. The other two have yards a bit of a drive away but what they spend on petrol is still cheaper than the extra fees and they have arrangements with other people so that one of them will go in the morning and the other will go last thing. One of their horses is on loan from someone hundreds of miles away.

Re the ‘gift’, I think I would tell him very calmly and coldly that if he came anywhere near me with either item, it would be sexual assault, I would call the police on 999 and ask them to arrest him. Please understand, I’m not for one second suggesting that his previous treatment of you could have been consensual. I believe you. But saying this gives him no room to whine ‘but I thought...’

OP, I am in the Scottish Borders and have grazing. If I can help you at all, drop me a PM. x

He's trying to frighten you into not leaving. It's working.

You will manage and you will be happier - including your ds in the long run.

@RandomMess thanks for that. I didn't know forensic accounts exist. I definitely need specialist help, I don't know where to start.

@pinkbonbon I know I need to leave thanks. I don't know how without being screwed over financially or leaving my son with MH issues.

Definitely second all the advice above.

Gather your evidence of his income, copy bank statements etc.

Your parents and your DS would be devastated if they knew that you stayed to be abused in order to protect them.

Not really, but...
Also, if he gives you the whip and cuffs, say 'you first'. Then thrash him.

What a pig of a man.

@Snotnose thank you. That's given me a lot of food for thought.

You should stop joint counselling - it is wrong for abusive situations and the counsellor himself should have put a stop to it.

You know your situation isn't right.

You need a shit hot lawyer that specialises in domestic abuse cases they will have forensic accountants.

Staying will give your DS MH issues, he has his Dad bullying and abusing his Mum, constant tension etc. You may all think it's about you splitting up but it's more likely these from living in a hostile environment.

Pickle my popcorn thank you! Your last comment did at least make me smile.
How the hell did I ever get taken in by such an arsehole?!

Staying is more likely to give your ds mental health issues.

Leave him,yes things will be very hard but in the end you will get your life back,you do not need him,can you imagine when the children have grown up and left home what your life will be like with him,make the break now,you will have another horse in the future, you can support yourself, and you are entitled to stay in your house until the children leave education, he will have to pay you maintenance, you will then be entitled to half the profits of the house and half his pension get yourself a good divorce lawyer who will direct you on the way to go,you will not have to pay any money up front ,it is payed after the divorce is finalised.

The practical issues surrounding divorce always appear insurmountable but rarely are. I remember having a similar dream about Ex dying as it felt like the only way to escape. It is a sign your trust in him has gone.

Your son will feel anxious because there is uncertainty. My ds had a similar reaction and he had counselling as at outlet but what made it better was actually living the new life. You have to go through it, step by step working on the practicalities, and know there will be a good life afterwards.

First thing is to look at finances, what do you think you would have from a 50:50 split and could you buy a house. Even if that means a move, perhaps to be closer to family or your job/schools.

My DC took strength from my reassurance that it would all be ok. I emphasised the positives of the new life and they built confidence once plans started to materialise. I know that sounds so simplistic but it was the reality. If he had to have surgery you would offer reassurance until he got through it, as knew it couldn't be avoided.

For example, they liked to pick rooms in the new much smaller house and they got excited about exploring the new area.

Re the horse, not sure what it costs? It is really ridiculously expensive or could you increase your income to cover it? If you have a long marriage and he is a high earner you may get SM for a period of time so don't assume he can dictate what you will be left with.
Do you have family?

Staying is giving him MH issues already and a warped sense of relationships and the role of women do you want that for him or your Dd
Living in a gritty house will be better
Women’s aid police and a solicitor