So upset. Long sorry.

[Notupforthisthanks]

NC for this. My husband and I have a difficult marriage. We have done couples counselling and have agreed to give our marriage until the end of this year. He had what he claims was a only an EA last year, I suspect the only reason it didn't become physical was because OW binned him off. There is no trust in the relationship. He is also in complete denial about some physical things that he has done to me saying that I consented when I blatantly didn't. We have two DC and last year when we agreed to a trial separation prior to counselling, 10 year old DC had a complete meltdown to the point where he was receiving counselling through school. DS is basically our biggest reason for trying to make our marriage work for this year. Fortunately DD is young enough not to be affected. Along with the fact that if we divorce H will make sure that I can no longer afford to do anything fun for me because he knows that my hobby is my lifeline to help maintain my sanity when life is hard.
This week is our wedding anniversary. On his way home from work last night he left a very excited message about the wonderful anniversary present he had bought me. I avoided bringing the subject up last night. I have just found the present. A fecking ann summers whip and silicone handcuffs. It was in a bag with an anniversary card so definitely intended for me. He's obviously decided that for our anniversary he wants to tie me down and use the whip because I know the sort of thing he is into (which is very different to what I enjoy). We haven't had sex together for months because he was depressed and didn't want it (or possibly just me) and we've had issues regarding sex anyway due to previous things that have happened between us but now he's clearly intent on going from zero straight to a bit of low level S&M. Because of things that have gone on before between us (please read into that abuse) I have big issues just at the thought of him wanting to use the handcuffs to the point where I'm currently tearful, shaking and feel sick.
What the hell do I do?! If I leave him it will absolutely destroy our DS who is currently fairly happy. If I stay with him I will have shit like this to deal with. If I leave him he will stop me from being able to financially afford the hobby that is my escape from the shit stuff in life. I feel trapped and I don't know what to do.

Phineyj I have already started making a list of things I could buy to donate to WA.

OP, I don't mean to worry you but have you considered that the reason your son is so worried about you splitting could be because your husband has told him something about what that would involve? He sounds like a manipulative abuser and I just wonder if he has been telling your son terrible things would happen.
I can only echo other posters. You need to stop couples therapy and leave the relationship. If the therapist knows about the abuse he should stop the sessions anyway.
Get legal advice and get your escape plan ready. Contact the police and make a report. This will put you in a stronger position later. Women's Aid will help you. You have to accept that you may not be able to keep the horse, at least not the current arrangement.
You and your kids safety is much more important and I honestly think you would feel so much better in the long run that you would cope without the stress relief of riding.
Your son will be ok eventually. Your parents would want to know. If it was my daughter, I know I would.
Please leave him.
I really hope you can find the strength. We're here for you.
You can do this.

Ok op, for the time being try and grit your teeth for a short while and play along and get access to anything financial you can. Photocopy or snap it on your camera, account names, name of bank, balances etc, wage slips. Do you have equity in your house and if so how much roughly. Once you know the financials go and see a lawyer , a good one , pay properly for an hour initially and establish how you can make sure any money is factored in. It doesn't need to be a crap house if there is cash there to be had, it may be a lawyer says you stay put and he has to pay mortgage or he may stay put and have to give you a settlement. You are catastrophising without actually knowing the score simply because he is such an arse he gas deliberately made you feel vulnerable. I'm sorry it makes your son sad, sad things happen in life though and it would be sadder if you ended up mentally I
L because of this. He needs some therapy if it happens with the right kind of person . The horse thing, it's probably something to have a think on when you know the other things,

And never every worry if you have to rent, better a happy rented house than this situation. And oh the wedding present, tell him outright you aren't interested in that kind of thing and can he return please and get you some perfume or nice underwear or a good book. He's chancing his luck as it is, why the hell should you suddenly be up for that if you never have been when you don't exactly feel 100% about him

Marriage counselling is a waste of your time and money. Use your energies where you will get the most return, supporting your son’s emotional well-being and getting your ducks in a row.

I was thinking the same as a PP, why do you think your son is so distraught at the thought of you divorcing? That surely isn't normal. I was wondering too if your husband has told him something untrue about what would happen if you split up.

Could you have a heart to heart with DS and try to get to the bottom of what he is worried about.

I too don't believe that your husband would take a low paid job to spite you . He probably would do other things but you can cross those bridges when you come to them.

When he told you he would see you in a shit house having no money if you split up, did you ask him why he would do that to his children?

Well it looks like my marriage is over. Two days before our 8th wedding anniversary. Husband is due to go away for work tonight. He often works several hundred miles away for work and is talking about looking into renting a house near his HO. I guess that means there is very likely stuff still going on with the OW from his EA. Quite frankly she is welcome to him.
I'm not in a good place at all. Not sure how I'm going to manage financially. I have however been recommended a very good solicitor and I will be going for unreasonable behaviour. I just want him out of my life and try to move on somehow.

@SunshineCake - I've thought for years that, if I ever win the lottery, I'd love to buy a number of cheap homes around the country and use them for this very purpose. I'd make sure they were all fitted with kennels, cat beds, hutches etc so that people leaving abusive marriages could take their animals with them, because that holds so many people back from leaving, the thought of having to leave their pets behind and what their partners might do to them.

I've yet to win more than a few quid, but I'd love to be able to make this a reality.

I’m sorry OP. There has been some really Good advice on here, about what you should be entitled to, possibly loaning your horse out for a year etc. I hope you’ve found some of it helpful. That’s really good you have found a solicitor. I hope that means you have someone in real life to talk to about this?

Notup, im sorry its come to this, but it might be a blessing, actually. It will give you some breathing space without him, and you can dig around in paperwork, and make solicitor appointments in your own time. Get onto the CMS and start a maintenance claim, they will use his HMRC returns from last year so even if he does try and hide money, they will be onto him.

Dont be sad, get angry. Support your DS, get him out for a ride and see if you can get to the bottom of whats really bothering him.

Best of luck, lovely, and keep leaning on us.

@TimeIhadaNameChange I'll help with animals stuff. I have a lot of pets and would never leave them, in fact I left a precious man when I kicked my cat having stayed when he'd hit me a couple of times