So upset. Long sorry.

[Notupforthisthanks]

NC for this. My husband and I have a difficult marriage. We have done couples counselling and have agreed to give our marriage until the end of this year. He had what he claims was a only an EA last year, I suspect the only reason it didn't become physical was because OW binned him off. There is no trust in the relationship. He is also in complete denial about some physical things that he has done to me saying that I consented when I blatantly didn't. We have two DC and last year when we agreed to a trial separation prior to counselling, 10 year old DC had a complete meltdown to the point where he was receiving counselling through school. DS is basically our biggest reason for trying to make our marriage work for this year. Fortunately DD is young enough not to be affected. Along with the fact that if we divorce H will make sure that I can no longer afford to do anything fun for me because he knows that my hobby is my lifeline to help maintain my sanity when life is hard.
This week is our wedding anniversary. On his way home from work last night he left a very excited message about the wonderful anniversary present he had bought me. I avoided bringing the subject up last night. I have just found the present. A fecking ann summers whip and silicone handcuffs. It was in a bag with an anniversary card so definitely intended for me. He's obviously decided that for our anniversary he wants to tie me down and use the whip because I know the sort of thing he is into (which is very different to what I enjoy). We haven't had sex together for months because he was depressed and didn't want it (or possibly just me) and we've had issues regarding sex anyway due to previous things that have happened between us but now he's clearly intent on going from zero straight to a bit of low level S&M. Because of things that have gone on before between us (please read into that abuse) I have big issues just at the thought of him wanting to use the handcuffs to the point where I'm currently tearful, shaking and feel sick.
What the hell do I do?! If I leave him it will absolutely destroy our DS who is currently fairly happy. If I stay with him I will have shit like this to deal with. If I leave him he will stop me from being able to financially afford the hobby that is my escape from the shit stuff in life. I feel trapped and I don't know what to do.

And quick because I suspect he is going to use the present no matter what you say

I think the reason why your DC is so anxious is because you are all living in an abusive household and it's affecting him. You only need an escape because of your DH.

Speak to a lawyer and find out what you need to do. Look at getting higher paid job and see what you would be entitled to. There is no way he will leave a good job just to spite you, those are empty threats but even if so, look at what you would need to do to live on your own income and with benefits. Can you consider relocating to a cheaper place or near your family?

He is abusive and it is more harmful for your children to be living in that environment all the time than it is if you split up.

It sounds a bit like, unwittingly, you're just dragging this out for your DS. He's aware of issues and it's causing his anxiety, if you and you H make a very definite clean break and you explain it in the right way to your son then it might be better for his mental health.

The horse, I'm sorry, but might be something you lose if you earn 20k a year. In the great scheme of things most people can't afford to keep a horse but 100% I know this will be really hard.

You're giving your H too much power, you have enough income to rent somewhere. It might not be what you're used to but it won't be awful either and then start on a path that gets you more money. Seek CM immediately to make sure you and the kids have the best start.

It sounds easy when you're an outsider and I know it's not but this lingering toxic environment is not healthy for you both or the kids.

Women's aid said that if I went to the police I could potentially get him locked up for quite a long time

They should not be giving that sort of advice out, that's concerning.

A very small percentage of sexual assault claims go to court, and get successfully prosecuted. Literally about 3%.

Rape is extremely difficult to prove. I wouldn't even look at him being "potentially locked away" as being an option. But you do need to leave.

You need to look into moving into a women's refuge with your children. Your safety is a priority, and staying in that relationship is going to do you and your children no good.

Children feed off their surroundings. Your sons anxiety is certainly not being helped by you remaining together in that dynamic. His anxiety lies deeper than the fear of you separating.

Take it from a woman who has been raped and has grown up as a child in an abusive household.

Throw the "present" out.

Also, withdraw from couples therapy immediately. It's not advised to engage in this with an abuser.

You've asked for a session alone and they've declined you on the basis of it being "unfair to your husband"...? Are they aware of your claims of rape and his straight up denial? Because if they are and they've done nothing about it, that's concerning. They have a duty of care to take that sort of information further.

Can you give up the horse and get a dog instead? Cheaper and more loving, it will give your ds a loyal buddy and might be an outlet for him if you divorce. Taking it for walks would be a substitute for your gallops. And maybe think of taking up a hobby - tennis clubs, bowling etc.

If you divorced, you’d have a change in lifestyle, sure, but better to be poor and happy than rich and miserable.

As others have said get to a solicitor asap. I would report him to the police and that might shock him into acceptable behaviour. what he has done in the past is sexual assault and you do not deserve to be treated with such contempt. He is a cruel and vicious man and your son would probably thrive living in a calm and loving environment. I can imagine the atmosphere in your home must be stifling. I understand your love for the horse, I would get in touch with your local vet and see if they could come up with any ideas to help you keep her. Would a local riding school stable her in exchange for using her for maybe two lessons a day? You could stipulate what type of rider could use her. I don't know if that's an option where you are but I have seen that done before.
You deserve to live a happy, safe life away from this pathetic bully. Call him out on everything and lock yourself into your bedroom at night, time to play hard ball! I really hope you will be OK.

Make plans to loan your horse for at least 12 months, once that is done it will be easily to physically leave at very short notice.

You have outlined an horrific marriage and then give a lot of excuses as to why you have to stay. They are just excuses.

You can continue to be in an abusive unhappy relationship but keep your home and your horse. But don't fool yourself your son won't be affected. He will definitely pick up on the atmosphere between you and the way his dad treats you.

Or you can do what a lot of other people have and sacrifice some of the comforts of life in order to regain your independence and live abuse free.

I ended my abusive marriage and am worse off financially. But I can go to sleep at night and not worry what might happen to me during the night. No one wants to put their children through a divorce but imho living in an unhappy home day after day is worse.

I’m really sorry for what you have gone through OP, you are so brave and strong to put up with it for so long.
I don’t know much about finances or anything so my advice is limited but I think you know you need to leave. Obviously that will put you in a harder financial situation but for the sake of your safety I think it would be worth it.
With your son although it will be hard on him you have to remember the hard time won’t last forever and you don’t want him growing up thinking his dads behaviour is normal / the correct way to treat people.

Be brave, you can do it!

I’m sure my dd (11) would be frantic if she lived with that much anxiety. Please get out and your children safe and away from this influence.

You can live in a tiny place if you don’t manage to claw much money back from this vile rapist. It will be fine and better to find something small you can afford with your horse than larger without. My house is fairly big but if i didn’t have dh around that would be one adult less.

Please also report the abuse, coercion and rapes.

Thanks all. I think this has given me the kick up the arse I need. I'm going to give womens aid another call on Monday when I know he's going to be out of the house. I'm hoping that I'll be entitled to legal aid for my solicitor fees but I'm guessing women's aid will be able to steer me in the right direction for that. I feel that I need to start getting my escape plan in place before going to the police because obviously there will be no going back once the police are involved and he will be absolutely furious at being interviewed etc so I need somewhere lined up to move to and know I can afford it before reporting his behaviour.

TBH although they aren't "nice" going to a refuge may be best. They help you sort out benefits, counselling and protect you and the DC from your Ex. It is also then clear to the courts that you were a victim of DA.

Your priority is getting someone to take on your horse otherwise that will be a huge worry.

That’s horrible op
I’d love to tie him up and use the whip on him
You need to get out

Also join mothers unite against domestic abuse on fb for online support or freedom flowers

Sadly things like big houses and horses become a middle class marriage misery trap. Seen it before. To move on you are going to have to prioritise what you really value in life.

OP I didn't leave my husband for about a decade because I was so worried about the anxiety it would cause my ds. When eventually we did separate when things just bece too awful to stay, it was hard for him (ds) but 2 yrs on, he is much more settled. My only regret was that I waited so long. I truly believe that ds (and dd) would both be better now if they hadn't had those last 10yrs living with their father's anger and control.

No matter how tough things are financially now and even with H still using to legal system to try to control me financially, I would never go back and do not regret our 18yr marriage ending.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

You have to prioritise your mental health, and that of your children over the horse. I totally get it as I had to give up having horses as I just couldn’t afford it. It’s actually not as bad as you think, you will miss it, but in the long run it’ll be worth it, and it is something you can come back to in the future when you’re settled. Loan the horse out for the time being.
He is abusing you in several ways, and your children will be picking up on that, and it will affect them.
I hope you manage to get away, for all your sake. Have a look at turn2us which will give you an idea on which benefits you will be entitled to.
Hugs. X

Firstly, most solicitors offer a free half hour to people in your position. Mine stayed with me for an hour because I was so distraught. No charge. You need to do the following things a) google family divorce lawyer plus your town name and then email them all asking for ASAP free half hour advice. Explain that you are trying to escape an abusive marriage b) get the horse looked after so it’s not a current cost c) stop joint counselling d) go to your GP. Explain what is happening and ask to be referred for urgent therapy for you alone e) look at the website Rights for Women. They give free legal advice to women f) stop listening to your husbands opinion about divorcing him. He knows nothing. Of course he’s going to threaten. That’s why solicitors are trained to deal with people like him. He’s not the king of England and he will be dealt with if you get proper help

I’m so sad for you OP, awful situation to be in and so abusive. It sounds like you’re taking on the advice given and I also think ripping the plaster off would benefit DS in the long run. Strength to you 💐

I am so sorry but you can not stay for your child. Imagine when you finally leave or are completely broken and you tell him you stayed for him. It will break him.

You will receive all the support you want and need for yourself and your children but you have to make the break.

Good luck.

I know this is a pipe dream but I am part way through this thread and something came to me. Given the amount of posters on here who are completely amazing at supporting strangers, some who have a few quid and lots of experience coupled with the money behind MNHQ, how amazing it would be if properties could be purchased or rented so that abused posters could leave immediately and buy themselves some time.

Don't take the piss, or shout me down, people are amazing and brilliant things have been achieved that seemed impossible.

Good luck. I agree with what everyone else is saying about the horse. Deal with that issue and the rest will be a little easier.

Your counsellor sounds rubbish! Get a different one if you can. You could ring the Samaritans?

,Sunshine, I think it's better to take that enthusiasm and donate to Women's Aid or to refuges. There are already lots of experts out there but they are woefully short of funds.