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Original poster

Would you be happy if someone gave your OH a shoulder massage in the pub?

81 replies

GreatSummerSale · 06/09/2019 23:05

I've name changed.

I go out every week with OH to a group where there are core friends who invite others to join us. Everyone welcome and some people come along who really don't know anyone. It's a friendly group and there are new people most weeks. I don't tend to speak to OH a lot during the evening - he likes to talk to the new people and I prefer to build relationships with the regulars. All fine, we don't live together so we catch up at the end of the night and he comes back to mine.

A month or so ago a new lady came along. I thought she was lovely, very softly spoken, a bit of an earth mother/hippy type.

Last week, OH spent a lot of time talking with her. Fine, I was talking to others. This week I was in the garden with the people I was talking to and he was in the pub talking to the newbies, and she was sat next to him. I could see them through the pub window, she was standing over him and I didn't know why but didn't really think too much about it. When I went to get a drink about 10 minutes later and walked past them, I could see why, she was doing some sort of "therapy" on him where she was patting his face, head, chest. A bit odd, but we have previously talked to her about his asthma and sinus problems so I though it was connected to that.

I came and sat inside and was at the opposite end of the long table. The "therapy" had stopped but she was being very tactile with him, touching his arm etc. Then she got up again and started giving him a shoulder massage. The people sat near them had moved so I guess they were feeling uncomfortable. I don't know. Then, and this is the bit that really bothers me - at the end of the shoulder massage she kissed him on the side of the head. Not once, maybe a dozen times. Half the table (and both of them!) looked at me to see my reaction.

I'm really angry about this, they overstepped so many boundaries, didn't they? Am I over reacting by feeling pissed off?

(Sorry this is so long!)

OP posts:

Templetonstunafish · 06/09/2019 23:08

The kissing very definitely crosses a line! The massage could be either way- if she is experienced/he has neck and shoulder issues. No fucking way should there be kissing though! What happened after, did he move away from her? Apologise?

Captainladder · 06/09/2019 23:14

The kissing does sound like the odd bit. I’m a massage therapist and the patting head, face and chest sounds like EFT tapping... as for massage - I’ve often helped friends who have neck and shoulder issues in social situations - but they have been long time friends and I wouldn’t do it on someone that I hadn’t known well.... I would consider her behaviour unprofessional and overstepping boundaries.

TooMinty · 06/09/2019 23:17

My reaction would depend on his
reaction. If he looked uncomfortable then I'd write it off as her being a bit weird. If he was keen/encouraging then I'd be worried. How did he react?

Treesandgreenstuff · 06/09/2019 23:25

I think it was inappropriate and wouldn’t be happy.

Heismyopendoor · 06/09/2019 23:28

What did you do/say?

I would have shouted something at them both!

Livelovelearn1 · 06/09/2019 23:32

Hippy earthy type fair enough. Tapping massaging malarkey in a suiting scenario... fair enough i guess to some. Kissing in the neck after? Hello? He should have pusehed her to neighbouring council... not cool, not ok. What did you do when that happened? How did u react?

LemonRedwood · 06/09/2019 23:34

A mutual friend of mine and DH's has given shoulder massages in the pub as he is spectacularly good at getting knots out. DH even encourages it as he superstitiously believes it makes is rugby team score tries.

The kissing is just bloody weird though.

TheVanguardSix · 06/09/2019 23:37

It's all sorts of wrong, OP. What did your husband say to you? Surely he was like, "WTF! Things with Granola Birkenstock got weird tonight. She was all over me!" Why didn't he tell her to dial it back?

StinkyWizleteets · 06/09/2019 23:38

You should have responded, right, my turn! And demanded a massage too!

The kissing is odd but I know a few hippy earth Mother’s who kiss in non flirty platonic situations so maybe it’s less odd in those circles?

Urskeks · 06/09/2019 23:42

I've known people who do the sudden quick repeated kisses at the end of something they're doing. I reckon either she genuinely was a bit comfortable (after a drink?) and forgot she was out and hasn't known ant of you long, or she's just the kind of relaxed person who is comfortable with that level of affection, platonically.

Doesn't mean I'd be OK with it I'm your shoes, but she might even have realised straight after, and could be kicking herself now for all you know. I say that as someone who has put kisses at the end of texts to professionals by mistake, and many other inappropriate things.

Original poster

GreatSummerSale · 06/09/2019 23:45

I was fine with the tapping thing, thought the shoulder massage was a bit much (I could have done it when we got home if he was feeling tense! I have done before) but it was the kissing and everyone looking at me that pissed me off. He was laughing, I think because he didn't know how to react and it was just as the bell went for last orders so I went to get myself a last drink at the bar. He came and snuggled up to me at the bar and I asked him sarcastically how his massage was and he said "a bit weird". I was angry and embarrassed because everyone had looked at me so said ^yes it was a bit fucking weird" and he moved away and said he would stop it. I told him to do what he wanted and went back to the table. He didn't speak to her again for the rest of the night.

OP posts:

MsDogLady · 07/09/2019 00:17

Overstepping boundaries is a huge understatement. I would have been uncomfortable with the arm touching and shoulder massage. The head kissing was intimate touching and beyond inappropriate. He made a fool of you in public, and an object of pity as well. If he respected you, he would have shut her down early on and moved away from her.

I once knew a woman who used those ‘moves’ when she wanted to lay claim to a new man. The fact that they both looked at you to check your reaction speaks volumes. They knew what they were doing was crossing a line....and so did everyone else.

readitandwept · 07/09/2019 00:24

@ Granola Birkenstock

She definitely sounds like one to watch, OP. She was testing you by looking at you

Rockos · 07/09/2019 03:34

I’d be fuming and would have probably ripped her verbally apart in front of everyone. This woman is not a good person and needs to be ousted from your friendship group before she ruins the good thing you’ve got going

morgsusername · 07/09/2019 03:47

Yeah I'd be miffed. I've met a lot of "hippy healer" type people through festivals etc and whilst some don't see their tactile behaviour as crossing a line, so do and are just pushing boundaries. Easiest thing to do is to ask him to have a word w her separately saying where the lines are, or (if he's too scared of confrontation/hurting feelings) you let her know her actions made you uncomfortable. Chances are it's innocent and she would be horrified she upset you

morgsusername · 07/09/2019 03:48

Should say some do not so do, rubbish phone!

Mothership4two · 07/09/2019 04:22

At least 10 minutes of tapping 'therapy', a shoulder massage, head kissing (!) with touching/being tactile in between to one person who you don't actually know that well is ott and inappropriate (as well as a bit bizarre). No wonder it made you and, from the sounds of it, everyone else feel uncomfortable. The fact that she did this and sat next to him for at least 2 weeks in a row sounds as though she is pretty interested in him.

He may have been embarrassed and not known how to react - who wouldn't be? He may not have handled it in a way you would have liked, but, in his favour, he did come straight up to you and snuggled into you and it sounds like he then avoided her. He wasn't giving her signals of encouragement.

Did he come back to yours after and did you have a conversation about it? If so, what did he say? I would have been pretty blunt if it had been my dh

flumpybear · 07/09/2019 05:36

Does she know you're a couple? Kissing very strange, she's definitely flirting and I'm not sure where the 'ok' boundary stopped - I'd perhaps not get too pissed at DP as I think she's making moves, sounds like he was a bit uncomfortable too

MsDogLady · 07/09/2019 05:42

He readily allowed and went along with her ’touchfest,’ every step of the way. He could have stopped it at any time. Why didn’t he? Was it because he was enjoying the buzz of her attention? Was it because he didn’t want to embarrass her? He certainly didn’t mind humiliating you.

Mothership4two · 07/09/2019 07:44

Well it probably started as "therapy" that went on too long but he didnt know how to politely stop it. Same with her being tactile, giving him a massage and kissing his head, he probably didnt want to come across as rude and this was in a relaxed and social situation with an audience. We don't know if he agreed to the massage or did she just stand up and start doing it (which I suspect from what OP said about her). Her behaviour was a bit odd, so again it might have been difficult to gauge how to react. Not wanting to be impolite is a strong social force. With hindsight he probably wishes he had shut her down straight away especially as GreatSummerSale was upset. But it doesn't sound as though he gave her/the hippie any encouragement.

Winterlife · 07/09/2019 08:05

I’m not sure why you’re angry with your husband.

Just ensure they are never alone, or sit together, again.

TheBatsHaveLeftTheBellTower · 07/09/2019 09:11

Just ensure they are never alone, or sit together, again.

Tbh, it's not really in her remit to do that - it's up to her husband to accept or reject this woman - she doesn't own him.

It sounds to me as though he was uncomfortable with it too though and just didn't know how to extricate himself from the situation.

And it doesn't really matter whether what she was doing was 'normal' or not within her own circles - our boundaries are our own and not determined by other people's.

I inadvertently crossed a friend's boundary the other day - something that is perfectly normal for me and in some of my friendships wasn't right for them. They were very nice and it hasn't affected the friendship but I didn't know their boundary was 'there' until I bumped into it. It's not my place to anticipate everyone's personal boundaries, it's for them to make them clear and then me to respect them in future. He needs to make his boundary clear.

PicsInRed · 07/09/2019 09:51

I would expect DH never to see her again and would also espect that she was never invted back by the group. She should be explicitly told by whomever invted her that her behaviour towards a married man - right in front of his wife! - has resulted in her exclusion.

She's just the sort of trouble maker who blows these groups apart.

Watchingthyme · 07/09/2019 10:01

Some people have no sense of personal space.
I wouldn’t worry too much, she’s come across as a bit bonkers to everyone

Watchingthyme · 07/09/2019 10:04

@TheBatsHaveLeftTheBellTower
Funny because I think it’s really easy to gauge someone’s boundaries when it comes to physical space and touching.
And I would always err on the side of caution till I knew someone well.
I’m surprised you didn’t have a clue about your friends rough boundaries, but then I don’t know what you did!

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