Would you be happy if someone gave your OH a shoulder massage in the pub?

[GreatSummerSale]

I've name changed.

I go out every week with OH to a group where there are core friends who invite others to join us. Everyone welcome and some people come along who really don't know anyone. It's a friendly group and there are new people most weeks. I don't tend to speak to OH a lot during the evening - he likes to talk to the new people and I prefer to build relationships with the regulars. All fine, we don't live together so we catch up at the end of the night and he comes back to mine.

A month or so ago a new lady came along. I thought she was lovely, very softly spoken, a bit of an earth mother/hippy type.

Last week, OH spent a lot of time talking with her. Fine, I was talking to others. This week I was in the garden with the people I was talking to and he was in the pub talking to the newbies, and she was sat next to him. I could see them through the pub window, she was standing over him and I didn't know why but didn't really think too much about it. When I went to get a drink about 10 minutes later and walked past them, I could see why, she was doing some sort of "therapy" on him where she was patting his face, head, chest. A bit odd, but we have previously talked to her about his asthma and sinus problems so I though it was connected to that.

I came and sat inside and was at the opposite end of the long table. The "therapy" had stopped but she was being very tactile with him, touching his arm etc. Then she got up again and started giving him a shoulder massage. The people sat near them had moved so I guess they were feeling uncomfortable. I don't know. Then, and this is the bit that really bothers me - at the end of the shoulder massage she kissed him on the side of the head. Not once, maybe a dozen times. Half the table (and both of them!) looked at me to see my reaction.

I'm really angry about this, they overstepped so many boundaries, didn't they? Am I over reacting by feeling pissed off?

(Sorry this is so long!)

I would be asking him to stop letting her touch him, and to let him (gently) know that you are not impressed.

I wouldn't be huffy with him though, doesn't sound like he knew what she was going to do.

And next week, I would hang out with him a bit more so any doubt that he was spoken for would be eradicated.

I'd try and let it go, your partner acknowledged it was weird and avoided her after that. And to be fair to him, he can't have seen the head kissing coming. That's mental.

Most people just freeze when something really odd happens and only react to it after - there's threads on 'this mad thing happened and I didn't do anything' here every day.

Also, making a scene where you tell her to never go near your partner again and banish her from the group would only make you look bad.

I'm not saying it's not batshit, just that your partner sounds nice and both laughing at her together is probably the best solution with the least emotional energy spent.

Gosh, lots of replies - thank you!

I think he was kind of enjoying it, not in a flirty way but he does like stuff like this (acupuncture etc) and once it started I don't think he knew how to stop it. It went on far too long. He knew I was uncomfortable with it though.

She definitely knew what she was doing, she tried to talk to me twice to explain. The first time I shrugged her off and the second time I walked away. Don't do anything you then have to justify is my opinion!

He's my OH btw not DH. We don't live together. He didn't come back Thursday as I was too angry and we've not spoken since.

It is weird and I can imagine your oh not knowing how to extricate himself. She sounds like a bloody weirdo though and I can't imagine her lasting much longer in your friendship group if everyone saw this? I wouldn't like to hang around a woman who did this to my friend's husband.

She definitely crossed the line, especially with the kissing. Did she know the two of you were together? She might not have realised if you don't really speak at these get togethers?

I don't know what he could have done to stop her without being rude though, I'd say it's her in the wrong rather than him but totally get why you were pissed off.

It sounds like he found it awkward too, maybe he thought it would cause a big scene if he told her to stop. Was he in touch with you yesterday ?

No I wouldn't like it and my husband wouldn't like it either if it was the other way round.

Nope. I wouldnt be very silent about that I'm afraid...

I'd be another one to verbally rip her and him to shreds. What the fuck were they doing?!

once it started I don't think he knew how to stop it. It went on far too long. He knew I was uncomfortable with it though.

If one of your regular friends was chatting to you in the pub about a mutual interest and then started kissing you in the manner this woman kissed your partner, would you just accept it because you didn’t want to seem rude? Or would you lean away and say ‘woah Clive, what are you doing?’

This woman is irrelevant to you. It doesn’t matter whether she has no boundaries, whether she secretly fancies your partner or whether she hires a billboard overlooking the pub garden declaring her undying love for him. The only thing that matters is how he reacts. And in your position, I’d find his reaction massively underwhelming.

By the way, I love that you didn’t listen to her trying to justify herself. I think it spoke volumes.

@Sn0tnose makes a v v good point.

Why did your OH not recoil in horror at her kissing him?

I would honestly hit the roof at someone doing this to DP. What the hell were they both thinking! He should have had far more respect for you.

Why did your OH not recoil in horror at her kissing him?
I don't know. Embarrassed I guess.
It's impossible to put myself in his shoes though and ask how I would have felt because I think there is a big difference in a man acting like this towards a woman. Yes, I would have been very uncomfortable if a man had done this to me and brought it to an end pretty quickly. But then, as most women, I've been sexually assaulted so my boundaries are different.

I find anyone who gives massages outside of a formal therapeutic setting deeply, deeply creepy.

Busy hands with your boyfriend is bloody cringey, why did he not make an appointment is she's a professional masseuse or whatever? I'd have been looking like :/
You don't sound very 'together' as a couple though, maybe she had no idea?

If*

Your whole couple set up sounds a bit weird to be honest

And YANBU with the whole massage and kissing thing

Could it be she didn’t know you’re together? You did say you stay apart and do your own thing then connect at last orders.

She sounds like trouble.

Completely agree with @Sn0tnose.

How long have you been together Op? Do you think that something is going on between them? She sounds like a massive flirt but he should have stopped it long before it got to the massage stage.

Can't believe you've not spoke since Thursday though - I would have expected him to come round to apologise. Has he messaged to say sorry? What are you going to do now?

Your whole couple set up sounds a bit weird to be honest

What - becayse they don’t yet live together and aren’t all over each other like a rash when they go out?

I would have listened to her - then probably wiped the floor with her!

I don’t know how I’d have reacted at the table as it would have depended on too many variables.

Likewise with OH - it would have depended on his reactions and what he said.

As for ‘tapping’ & ‘massage’ - I’ll take that all day long, so I’d never stop anyone and being kissed on the side of my head wouldn’t bother me either - it’s nit exactly intimate. But I’m a very huggy, tactile person.

With DH though, my reaction would depend on the person doing it - someone generally huggyb& tactile wouldn’t bother me, but I can spot a ‘woman with intent’ a mile off and would be happy to shut her down. But so would DH.

I think it’s a real shame that you both went your own way on Thursday night and still haven’t spoken - you need to talk. Either this is a deal breaker or it’s not, but life’s too short to just seethe separately and waste days not talking...

He sounds like a bit of a dick for not trying to contact you in the last couple of days

We've been together nearly a year. She knows we are together as the first time we met we were sat next to each other and someone else asked. Anyway, she wouldn't have tried to talk to me if she didn't.

This is our first "row" so I don't think either of us know how to react. He's just sent me a jokey meme on whats app, which I think is him trying to gauge my mood towards him. I'm not angry anymore obviously but it does need resolution.

I’m surprised you didn’t have a clue about your friends rough boundaries, but then I don’t know what you did!

Of course I have a rough idea. It was something that is acceptable to me and many other people I'm friends with, but their boundary was slightly different. Wasn't anything sinister.

Yep, the massage and tapping ok. But the kissing is not a therapy. She was coming on to him. He should have known how to deal with it. If he can’t politely ask someone not to touch him when you’re there how can you trust him to do it when you’re not. You’re right to let him stew about it awhile. I would explain how it made you feel and how you feel disappointed with his inability to deal with it. It’s not difficult to say, actually please stop this now I’ve had enough.

What resolution are you after OP? You're not being unreasonable to be annoyed at this woman's behaviour, and because your boyfriend didn't bat it off, but what else do you want him to say? He's said he felt it was uncomfortable, I don't really know what else he can do and continuing to be annoyed at him for someone else's actions seems a bit OTT. If he was minimising it completely and actively looking to engage with this woman s then sure, but seems he's sort of brushed it off, so I'm not sure why there still needs to be an atmosphere between you two.