Humiliated by dh in middle of Costco

[Mummy20192]

I feel humiliated and broken... went out shopping with Dds and dh to Costco. Heaving with ppl. We qued up to pay for shopping, when dh asked to return trolley. On my way back with dds after putting trolley back, we were stopped by a promotional lady sampling eczema creams.. youngest dd suffers from horrendous eczema so we stopped to sample a bit of cream.. we were away maybe for 5 min tops... my phone was on silent so didn’t hear dhs missed calls.

He saw us standing and started shouting top of his lungs do my wallet with my Costco cards, I was shocked everyone stopped and stared at me.. I was like “I’m sorry I’m coming” he blasted back “well answer your phone”.

I was so embarrassed, everyone close by stopped at stared at me being screamed at.. the lady who was showing the sample was so embarrassed, she apologised. I have never been humiliated so badly in my life.

He said sorry for shouting, but I’m heartbroken and this infront of the dds.

If I posted on here every time my DP shouted at me or me at him You would be sick of the sight of me.

There has to be more to it than this.

Maybe everyone stared at her because they'd all been standing around waiting for her to get back so the line could start moving. They might have been annoyed as well.

If I posted on here every time my DP shouted at me or me at him You would be sick of the sight of me.

Do you regularly shout at each other in public at such a high volume that everyone goes quiet and looks at you?

If so, you need to know that your behaviour is not normal.

I suppose the checkout server could have called her name over the store microphone and embarrassed her that way. If my husband had to get the checkout person to get on the mic with "attention shoppers; Mrs Nade, please return to the checkout line. Mrs Nade, please return to the checkout line." But that would definitely have made me feel like an idiot. Although I think I would deserve to feel that way if Mr Nade had to go to that extent.

This is the thing, on AIBU people can pile in and be a dickhead, but on relationships even a situation where a poster is in the wrong people will argue their DP is the awful one. Very true. It seems to me like the DH is the innocent one here, and tried all methods to get hold of her. He had tried waiting, phoning her, calling, and then yelling. What else are people suggesting he do?

There seems to be a distinct lack of awareness/or ignoring the point that she went off to return the trolley (yeah, I don't understand returning it either, until they had loaded the stuff from the trolley to the car boot, but anyway that's another issue), and of course one would expect your DH/DW to return straight away. Not sample creams and stuff while the DH/DW is at the checkout. I think some are concentrating on her emotive language and forgetting that he was stuck, probably getting sworn at by the queue, checkout register person getting annoyed, and that he tried a few times to get hold of her.

I understand why you'd be upset. I think I would be too.

You will never see those people in Costco again, I wouldn't worry about that. But I can understand why you'd be upset that he embarrassed you like that.

I would be having words I think.

If I saw a man yelling at a woman in public in these circumstances, I'd assume he was beating her in private.

Really? Does that extend to every human being who shouts when they're in a stressful situation, or just men in supermarkets?

@ScreamingBeans And if you had noticed her husband was at the Costco checkout, with a long queue behind him, yelling about needing the card, and then looked and saw she was sampling creams, without a care in the world...I think then you would have a second think, and give the DH and queue a sympathetic glance.

I think the term 'blasted' indicates clearly that he was doing a lot more than calling her to get her attention.

And I think the use of heartbroken, humiliated and broken indicate that she’s prone to drama and exaggeration.

I get really anxious at checkouts and if dh buggers and he's paying I get really angry with him.

If I posted on here every time my DP shouted at me or me at him You would be sick of the sight of me

I'd be sick of the sight and sound of brawlers, yes

I agreeAnne.

When an event such as I went to return the trolley but instead of returning I went to sample some creams from a salesperson and my DP (who had already tried calling my phone 5 times), who was at the front of the queue had to shout across to get me to come back. is told in very dramatic terms then it does sound like any overly emotive words probably need to be taken with a pinch of salt.

Really? Does that extend to every human being who shouts when they're in a stressful situation, or just men in supermarkets

No, not every human being, just to those who are displaying red flag behaviour.

The OP has said she is really upset. She lives with this guy. He would have known she would be upset. He chose to upset her. She's come here and described a level of upset which instead of ringing alarm bells, has elicited disbelief and minimisation about her feelings.

No wonder so many women tolerate DV. When they complain about the first red flags on their way to it, other women tell them they're drama queens.

I'm not saying the OP is heading to DV btw. But in every situation where they may be abuse present, I prefer to ensure that it definitely isn't the case, than to automatically kneejerk dismiss it. It's safer. And kinder.

He was so angry at you because he'd made the mistake of joining the queue before he was prepared - no Costco card - and before you had finished shopping .
So his mistake had to be your mistake of course .
If this is a regular occurrence send him to Costco on his own .

But in every situation where they may be abuse present, I prefer to ensure that it definitely isn't the case, than to automatically kneejerk dismiss it. It's safer. And kinder.

But you were the one who kneejerk assumed it?

If I saw a man yelling at a woman in public in these circumstances, I'd assume he was beating her in private.

That's a massive assumption to make from such a tiny snapshot in Costco.

Totally missing the point, but don't you get rid trolley after the tills!

ScreamingBeans
It depends. Someone saying here are the concerns in my relationship would get a very different set of replies Vs someone who is, most likely, prone to the dramatic storytelling for maximum effect.
Most of us know people who do this.

Would I be irritated if DH decided to take a detour and leave me at the checkout? Absolutely. Would be be irritated if I left him in the supermarket queue because I'd forgotten milk but then disappeared having caught the reduced to clear coming out? Absolutely. Does it mean that it's a red flag in our relationship? Not at all.
It means that one of us would have behaved with zero regard for the other, held a queue up in a shop (making them feel awkward and uncomfortable) and they'd got irritated.

MrsRufusdog789
They had both finished shopping . The OP was taking the trolley back once they were at the checkout and then spotted someone selling creams so decided not to go back to the checkout and sample some creams knowing he was waiting in the queue.

A lot here that doesn't add up.

I have a child with eczema. You don't sample random Costco creams for them! This simply isn't what happens. We trialled many under the care of a GP until we found one that was OK and I wouldn't ever put something off the shelf on. And this was not severe eczema, requiring dermatology.

Eczema is exacerbated by stress. Whose stress, in your case? Yours? Dad's? Worth locating.

Thank you for so many mocking responses. Good to know that 5 min delay in a que being held up is regarded unacceptable. However, a person getting disrespected and shouted at in public is acceptable.

1. for all those confused, we had two trolleys.. I went to return one as we could load the groceries into one after paying.

1. my dh wasn’t loading on the belt, I’m not that silly.. he had two other ppl paying on tge belt and had one person with trolley full infront of him. I didn’t realise that Costco checkout would turn into express checkout.
2. I didn’t realise he had given me the cards to hold.
3. He called twice
4. I was near checkout about 5 meters away.. the end of the que was near me..
5. His shouting wasn’t honey pass the wallet, it was belittling

Finally, I have experienced difficulties more in life than many of you who value a fast checkout at the tills. However, I value respect, and being treated with respect even if the que was held up for 5 min...

I have not once said I was right to walk away and cause delay, all I said was it’s heartbreaking that a human can be screamed at publically by a loved one.. but by reading the comments here, I guess it must be acceptable

You sound very over dramatic OP , my DP has a habit of literally vanishing into thin air when we are shopping and I know how infuriating it is doing the sorry smile and awkward "god I'm so sorry where has he gone" whilst he doesn't answer his phone and he's nowhere to be seen

Unless there's a massive drip feed coming and you're about to say he marched over and dragged you by the arm whilst screaming at you then YABU.

I'd have given it an eye roll and "sorry will pop back on my way out" to the samples lady.

Can anyone hear that dripping?

I agree with @Screaming. I think a few more factors are needed to know how to interpret this situation before you all jump in and dismiss and mock the OP.

If he got slightly annoyed and wasn't being aggressive then I could understand to an extent as I would be annoyed if I was stuck in a que and the person with the cards wandered off.

OR

If he was screaming at her, red contorted face, clenched fists, aggressive body language then I can totally see how this was a massive over reaction on his part to hardly the crime of the century. By the way OP has described her feelings and everyone in the shop staring (and him snapping at her generally), I can easily imagine it being this second scenario.

I dont think it's fair to jump to assumptions and immediately dismiss the OP's feelings. This is why so many abusive men get away with abuse, because they gaslight women into thinking THEY are the unreasonable ones, when in fact it isn't reasonable under any circumstances to scream at your partner like this. It would be humiliating to be shouted at like a child in public bu anyone, let alone your 'D'P.

I've seen such a worrying trend on MN recently where women are immediately disbelieved or blamed for and insulted about tolerating DV when this story highlights the exact reason why DV is so insidious and so hard to leave. Women will never be safe in this world with that attitude. We're going backwards MN, it's time these myths about DV are challenged.

If he was 4-5 metres away why didn't he just nip over to you quickly and ask for the card??

If someone in front of me in the queue said they were just going 4-5 metres away to get the card I'd have been fine about it. It would take like 30 secs.

Good to know that 5 min delay in a que being held up is regarded unacceptable.

Of course it is. Bloody embarrassing too.