Can't help being happy at Ex's misfortune

[Asta19]

ExH was an abusive asshole and he nearly destroyed me. But I bounced back, slowly but surely, and now my life is good. It transpires his life has turned to shit and there is no easy way out for him anytime soon. The thing is it's made me really happy! I'll be honest, I am revelling in his misfortune! But a tiny part of me is bothered by how happy this has made me. Everyone always says about taking the high road and forgiveness and all that. And it's made me realise just how vengeful I am. If someone has hurt me I delight in their misery and while I don't believe the universe "pays back debts" everyone who has wronged me in my life has suffered. I believe that's actually because the people who wronged me were bad people who were always going to be the architects of their own downfall. Not anything to do with "higher powers" but it has always turned out that way. But I am a little bothered by how much I enjoy it. Is it really wrong to want to see the people who have hurt you suffer? I feel I am surrounded by far more forgiving people than me and it makes me feel a bit bad. Should I work on trying to be more forgiving? But I don't really know how I would do that. I"m not even sure what I'm looking for from this thread. Maybe just a chance to offload how I'm feeling.

Nah, enjoy the schadenfreude.
Its not like youve done anything to him.

My ex very quickly moved on and rubbed it in my face. His new wife was utterly horrible to and about me and treated my DC badly.

I predicted that the relationship would last 5 years and three years later I laughed like hell when they split. I laughed even harder when he went out to drown his sorrows and fell down and broke his leg.

I feel sorry for her though for having to deal with him for the next 16 years or so till their DS grows up.

I don't feel bad at all for loving his misfortune.

If you were actively seeking revenge, or FB stalking him, hoping for evidence that his life is shit... That would be unhealthy.

But if you happen to hear that karma has delivered, I think it's pretty normal to think 'ha! couldnt happen to a nicer man' and get on with your own life. Did he show empathy to you?

The forgiving people around you probably also enjoy a bit if karma, but they just say the right things.

I think it’s a sign your bitter.

I wish every single person I ve had issues with well. I have no ill feeling towards any of my ex’s.

I laughed even harder when he went out to drown his sorrows and fell down and broke his leg

Sorry this did make me laugh!

No I didn’t FB stalk him, when we broke up I actually blocked him everywhere and actively stayed away from knowing anything about him. It was actually during final divorce proceedings that it’s come to light. He doesn’t actually realise I know the full extent so my gloating has all been in my own head! Luckily we do not share DC so I never have to see him again. And no, he never showed any empathy to me! I don’t think he understands the concept of empathy!

Anice did you read the op. He is an abuser, that's not just issues with someone.

I actually realised I used a lot of “actuallys” in my last post!

Oswin

I had a massive row once with an ex who stood in front of my car and wouldn’t move.

Stupid 19 year old me just drove into him to get him to move.

We still have a good chat when I see him out and about. No hard feelings etc.

But then again I had CBT therapy and it completely changed how I feel about people in general.

I would be gutted to hear that someone I had parted with on bad terms at the time was now suffering

ANiceLuxury

I’m interested by what you say. You see I’m not sure I’d want that high a level of empathy! If you’d be gutted to hear someone who has wronged you is hurting then how do you feel when someone innocent suffers? I know I have “general” empathy. The post today on the little sick boy wanting birthday cards has really tugged at my heart strings, But no I am not good at forgiving people who have hurt me, unless they had a valid reason for doing so at the time and ,later felt bad about it. Which is the case with one person I can think of. I hold no grudge against that person.

I'm totally with you OP, I feel exactly the same way about my abusive exH. Was your ex a narc? They usually instigate their own downfall eventually due to their irresponsibility and constant fucking over of others.

My exH (narc) landed himself a long prison sentence and aside from being relieved that I'm finally safe from him, I do enjoy that his luck eventually ran out and he has to stew in his own self loathing.

At times it make me feel like a bad person as usually abusive people are that way because of their own issues but then I remember how he made my life hell for 13 years and never have two shots about how horrible he was to me and I stop feeling so sorry for him.

I know that by not forgiving, you are ultimately still allowing that person to have some sort of hold over you but i find it hard to forgive when I'm still dealing with the aftermath of the shitstorm he caused in my life. I say enjoy the karma but ultimately, not giving a shit about them either way is the ultimate revenge.

Op nothing wrong with what you're feeling at all imo.

My ex treated dd and I like shit after we split. I could understand him treating me like shit, even though it was him to blame for the split but treating dd like shit is absolutely unacceptable!

I learned a couple of years ago that he and wife 2 (OW and former supposed friend) are utterly fucking miserable! They're married and have 5 DC 1st dc was conceived when we were still very much together.

He's cheating on her repeatedly (inc at one point with the best friend she'd had since nursery which destroyed that friendship, he also propositioned me the night before their wedding which at the time I brushed off as cold feet panic nonsense) she feels trapped and is staying because she has seen how he behaved as a nrp to dd (not seeing her, not even speaking to her for several years, not paying cm in any reliable way) and fears he would do the same to their kids and she couldn't afford to be a single parent if he wasn't paying cm. I've heard she is staying until the youngest hits high school age and no longer needs childcare and then she's off.

I've seen photos and they both look completely knackered and miserable. His skin is playing up awfully (which is an external/visible indicator of stress for him) and she looks older than me despite being over 10 years younger.

Am I secretly pleased their actions have led to them both being completely fucking miserable? Hell yes! The only people I have any compassion/empathy for in the whole mess are the kids involved.

I can't imagine it's a very happy household especially as ex when stressed is a snappy, irritable, cruel, bad tempered git!!

I think you are right Jaffa and yes I suspect he was a narc. I remember once, we’d been married a few months, we went out for a meal. Mid way through he looks at me seriously and says “I want to break up with you” of course the meal was ruined, we left, I turned to him and said “so what do you want to do?” He then says “what about?” I say “you want to break up with me”. He then says I was only joking and bursts out laughing! I got angry and said he was trying to make me as crazy as him (as this wasn’t the first instance of his behaviour) and that just made him laugh even more. All the classics were there. Silent treatment, gaslighting, ruining any nice occasion with his moods, etc etc.

Graphista I think that is a good example of what I said in my OP about bad people being architects of their own downfall. It isn’t karma. It’s shitty things happening because they are shitty people.

Nothing wrong with it OP.

I am the type of person that lives by the motto of "don't get mad, get even".

If someone has wronged me, I will get even with them, no matter how long it takes. The last time took me 8 years.

Oh isn't it the saying - the best revenge is being happy

I'm sure it's a normal reaction but it's probably better to let go of the bitterness.

The best revenge is to be happy yourself.

I hate all this "just be positive all the time and forgive everyone and be happy and light". What an unhealthy way to live that is. We are allowed to have a spectrum of emotions. That is normal. Suppressing them is fucking creepy.

As long as you're not causing him hurt or obsessing over it, just enjoy it. There's enough arseholes in the world who never get their comeuppance.

Maybe it's just confirming / validating that you were right all along.

I was bitter for a few years after ex dumped me BUT when his business failed and 20 years later his dw dumped him I just felt sorry for him.

I wish I hadn't wasted 2 years feeling envious he'd moved on.

Now a days I don't worry about stuff like and embrace people's and my own happiness abs successes in stead :)

You aren't bitter, OP, you are human.

I don't wish the abusive ex ill, but whenever bad things happen to him, I smile inside.

And why would I wish him well? He's a horrible person. He doesn't deserve anything good, let alone from me! I forgive him, but I never forget what he did and is capable of doing.

Of course it is an entirely normal reaction but it suggests you still have a bit of emotional investment there that needs to be got rid of. Eventually you should get to a place where his life doesn't matter either way.

Oh I laugh every time I hear of some misfortune that's befallen my twatty ExH. He was emotionally abusive, a liar, a gaslighter and put me through years of hell when we divorced. If that makes me a bad person I can live with that.

I quite happily do not forgive or forget. If you are a shit to me I will quietly remember it. I won't do anything about it but next time something bad happens to you I will be secretly delighted.

Old Indian Proverb:
If you sit by the banks of the river long enough the bodies or all your enemies will float past.

I embrace that in my day to day life and am happier for it!

I think that the universe will punish those people anyway, and you're best to move on and be happy. Focusing on your own happiness, what makes you feel good is the best thing I think.

I don't wish anyone ill, but nor do I wish those who have done me harm any good. I just think they will get what they deserve. Most people who have undermined my happiness, are miserable damaged people anyway, and they will never be happy.

And isn't the saying: before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves?

It’s karma. Don’t feel you are bad.

I am currently waiting on karma. If she could hurry it up so I could gloat that would be great!