Can't help being happy at Ex's misfortune

[Asta19]

ExH was an abusive asshole and he nearly destroyed me. But I bounced back, slowly but surely, and now my life is good. It transpires his life has turned to shit and there is no easy way out for him anytime soon. The thing is it's made me really happy! I'll be honest, I am revelling in his misfortune! But a tiny part of me is bothered by how happy this has made me. Everyone always says about taking the high road and forgiveness and all that. And it's made me realise just how vengeful I am. If someone has hurt me I delight in their misery and while I don't believe the universe "pays back debts" everyone who has wronged me in my life has suffered. I believe that's actually because the people who wronged me were bad people who were always going to be the architects of their own downfall. Not anything to do with "higher powers" but it has always turned out that way. But I am a little bothered by how much I enjoy it. Is it really wrong to want to see the people who have hurt you suffer? I feel I am surrounded by far more forgiving people than me and it makes me feel a bit bad. Should I work on trying to be more forgiving? But I don't really know how I would do that. I"m not even sure what I'm looking for from this thread. Maybe just a chance to offload how I'm feeling.

I wish every single person I ve had issues with well. I have no ill feeling towards any of my ex’s.

I’d argue you have never been in an abusive relationship then. I don’t understand how anyone who has been domestically abused can look back and wish that ex well in life.

I was in an abusive relationship years ago, he stalked and harassed me for months after I finally left before eventually assaulting me in the street. I do not wish him well. He’s been blocked for many years so I have no idea how he is doing, could be dead for all I know and I really wouldn’t care if so.

You’re not bitter, you’re human.

Nah dont feel guilty op. It's all his own doing.

I wouldn't worry. You didn't cause his current issues. I'm sure you're enjoying this now but as long as it's not consuming you enjoy it and then move on.

I saw my abusive ex in my town a few weeks ago and don't think he saw me. At first I felt a bit shaken up as I haven't seen him in 12 months, but then realised he looked grumpy and had put on weight. He didn't look that great at all. It cheered me up very much. Whether he was just having a bad day or not I don't care. He deserves having a miserable day with what he put me through.

I'm going through this right now OP so you're not alone. My ex was emotionally/verbally abusive to me for almost 10 yrs but he now very much regrets breaking up with me and is utterly miserable. I've ended up with the life I reckon he thought he'd get. Sometimes I feel really good that I've 'won' (if that's possible?) but sometimes I feel guilty or sad that he's so unhappy.
I don't exactly wish him well but I sort of feel I can be kind when I deal with him because I feel so strong now.
I'm also wary of feeling too smug because I know how easily the 'wheel of life' can turn round and dump you at the bottom again!

Completely natural. We aren’t perfect divine creatures - just human.
Feel what ever you feel and then move on.

Nope I think your pretty normal ( well normal to me )
My Ex was vile to me and so was his wife they got my maintenance reduced to zero because he adopted her son so that was taken into
Account and had more kids and were absolutely horrible to me
I would sing like a fucking canary on the rooftops if I could at where they are now in life

They split as he had an affair with a much prettier and younger woman with a kid of her own

His wife was left with 2 kids and not a pot to piss in as they were living abroad in family property and she had given up her HA property to go abroad she had to come home and move in with her parents and she is now in a shity private expensive rental
For Ex none of his kids apart from the 1 year old with his new wife have nothing to do with him
And he’s 53 with a small baby and I can see it’s aged him overnight . he was always a good looking bloke did a lot of modelling in his youth but now he just looks old and worn out

I take great pleasure in being happily married for more than 20 years to a wonderful man and I love the fact that I’m well off
The day that I drove past my ex ex wife in my expensive sports car and she was waiting for the bus and it was raining 😂 well that gave me a warm glow . It’s shallow and petty but I don’t give a fuck

when I think about how shit both everything seems for both of them I’m extremely glad ( and I know it’s shit because we have a few old mutual friends )
If that makes me not a very nice person I can live with that no problem

Just say your heartfelt thanks to the universe for his misfortune and enjoy his comeuppance.

Cheerful bunny
You have used words I was looking for
I have the life that my ex partners ex wife thought she was going to get when she got with him
Rich husband lovely house plenty of money

I always wonder for the people who enjoy the misfortunes of those they feel have wronged them, was there half a dozen people who were enjoying that persons ill treatment/lack of fortune?

I just read that back and it didn’t make sense! Basically, when you were in a bad place in life, there could have been people thoroughly enjoying it and having a little smile to themselves then.

I love a bit of karma.

A few years ago a business we dealt with underpaid us by 15k. And not only that they gave us the runaround for 2 years, cost us a fortune in solicitors fees and generally gave us grief.

We found out at the end of the 2 years that the business went bankrupt. And not only did it go bankrupt he lost his house in the process as it was equity for one of his deals.

Me and dh got pissed and had a curry to celebrate. It sounds awful but that man caused us so much stress and upset and very nearly cost us our business it just seemed like karma had come back around. He knew he couldn't or wouldn't pay us and it was the week before Christmas, 2 weeks after we had moved into a new house, a week after my dh had had a pretty serious operation.

I don't wish harm on people generally, am not vengeful or bitter. I was just glad he didn't get to live in his 2 million pound house anymore.

Am hoping that the same happens to someone else who did similar. The building industry is pretty small and we tend to hear about it.

I wish every single person I ve had issues with well. I have no ill feeling towards any of my ex’s

That's great! However I think some people can enjoy a bit of 'revenge' without doing anything. Karma is a bitch and what goes around comes around or something.

I think it's absolutely fine to feel like this- healthy even- so long as you don't actually DO anything to cause them misfortune.
People don't always get their comeuppance but it's nice when they do! I've never understood forgiveness for really hurtful stuff.

Same here OP! I blocked my ex everywhere after leaving him. He was emotionally abusive, as were his parents. I could list his vile qualities but I’d be here all day.
I very recently by accident found out how his life has changed and it’s made me feel quietly smug. I’ll never contact him of course but I do inwardly chuckle when I think of it. Just desserts and all that

I think that's the main issue. He didn't do a "one off" bad thing to me that I maybe could have forgiven. It was thing after thing after thing! And the time I took to heal wasn't so much even about getting over him. It was recovery from the abuse.

I haven't done anything to cause him to be in the situation he is now. That is all on him. Well unless you count the fact that I wouldn't lie to the authorities (not police but equally serious) for him when he wanted me to! For that, he probably does blame me for his situation but telling the lie he wanted would have been a criminal offence on my part and no way was I doing that.

I think I will quietly enjoy my moment of satisfaction then put him out of my head for good!

Nah! Enjoy it OP. It's normal. My ex treated me like utter shit when I discovered his cheating. So did the OW. Bad stuff. They split up and I was chuffed to bits. He remarried and moved to Australia and that went tits to the wind too. I have just quietly carried on picking up the pieces of his crappy behaviour and made the best of it and done well actually. I treat people as they treat me and try and give everyone the benefit of any doubt but when I'm out and out abused I will revel in any karma that comes around.

The problem with this is bad things can happen to anyone, no one is immune. So one could rejoice about bad things happening to pan awful ex and then they could themselves get a cancer diagnosis or something similar.

I believe in karma so I'd say enjoy it. He wronged you and now the World is wronging him - good!!

So long as you're not the one causing these issues in his life then you have nothing to feel bad about. Get the popcorn and enjoy the show

stairway I see your point, but if something bad happens to me, it wouldn't even cross my mind that it was because I felt smug at his misfortune. And so it would really only be a consideration for me if I was going to openly mock him for his current situation. Which I won't be doing. I am keeping it all in my own head!

Forgiveness is overrated.

I’ve always found people who bang on about forgiveness are very seldom amongst those who condemn the wrongdoer, they’re always the chorus trying to suppress the victim of the wrongdoing. Always makes me wonder why.

I don’t mind forgiving if I want to forgive.

On the other hand, I no longer allow myself to be guilted/forced into forgiving anything.
I don’t feel angry or consumed by hatred either, I’m generally ambivalent to the people who’ve been nasty to me in the past. However if I hear someone who was cruel to me is going thro a hard time, I’m pretty sure I’ll be amused too.

It’s happened a few times, and I tend to feel ‘couldn’t have happened to a nicer person’.

And then I carry on with my life.

@Frouby - “Me and DH got pissed and had a curry to celebrate” - I love that 😂 It just conjures up a happy image.

But the two things aren't linked stairway. Rejoicing the downfall of a shitty ex doesn't cause bad things to happen to you, so you might as well enjoy them.

I know they aren’t linked Aderyn19 however I personally try to avoid rejoicing in other people’s misfortunes even if I hate the person in question because I could be next on the list for something nasty and I hate the idea of someone secretly taking pleasure in it.

There's a phrase about people being the architects of their own misfortune, which rings true for me.

Most of the shitty people I've known that have experienced calamity, have done so by their own hands. It's what happens if you don't change your behaviour.

I think you could try and return to the neutrality. Bad thoughts lead you nowhere good. Just let him go. If you dwell on that thing you dislike you become it.

Please try and free up that bit of mind space for yourself and your pleasant thoughts instead.