Can't help being happy at Ex's misfortune

[Asta19]

ExH was an abusive asshole and he nearly destroyed me. But I bounced back, slowly but surely, and now my life is good. It transpires his life has turned to shit and there is no easy way out for him anytime soon. The thing is it's made me really happy! I'll be honest, I am revelling in his misfortune! But a tiny part of me is bothered by how happy this has made me. Everyone always says about taking the high road and forgiveness and all that. And it's made me realise just how vengeful I am. If someone has hurt me I delight in their misery and while I don't believe the universe "pays back debts" everyone who has wronged me in my life has suffered. I believe that's actually because the people who wronged me were bad people who were always going to be the architects of their own downfall. Not anything to do with "higher powers" but it has always turned out that way. But I am a little bothered by how much I enjoy it. Is it really wrong to want to see the people who have hurt you suffer? I feel I am surrounded by far more forgiving people than me and it makes me feel a bit bad. Should I work on trying to be more forgiving? But I don't really know how I would do that. I"m not even sure what I'm looking for from this thread. Maybe just a chance to offload how I'm feeling.

I sincerely hope I’ve never caused anyone pain such that they’d smile on hearing of my misfortunes.

The people who’s misfortunes make me smile were utterly vile to me.

I tend to go thro life trying to be kind. The people who I’d laugh about they were utterly evil and clearly went out of their way to cause me and mine harm.

i don't feel happy that my ex is unhappy. He was always unhappy and will never be happy with anyone. And he doesn't have the self-awareness to realise it's down to him, not everyone else who's wronged him over the years.

But I certainly don't feel any guilt about it. He has made his own bed and it's down to him. I feel very happy at the moment with my life, and that's in part down to him - without him getting me to rock bottom, I wouldn't have had the opportunity or the nerve to start again in another job (actually one he wanted me to get when he was with me). He could have been part of it, and knows that, but he messed up. And it's him that worse off as a result, not me!

Don't feel bad that you can't forgive OP. Don't feel bad that you feel a bit of satisfaction - you're just human, but I think focusing on your own happiness is key.

Karmas bitten him on the arse! I would feel great about it as well! Enjoy!

General mean girls from school, teachers who weren’t nice, the occasional nasty comment from strangers: forgiven, forgotten, bear them no ill will

Abusive ex: honestly I would be pleased to hear things had gone to shit for him. It would be the natural outcome of his behaviour.

I think many people feel the same way as you OP, I think it’s a fairly normal emotion after what you’ve been through I don’t think you should feel guilty but my advice would be I think you’rr best not giving him a second thought really because even wishing him ill will shows some investment, even if it’s negative.

I’ve been lucky to maintain decent relationships with my exes but I do have a friend who’s husband left her for a much younger woman. She didn’t cope very well and would obsess over the happiness of her exh and the ow; stalking, harassing, elusively putting things on SM in the hope it’d grab his attention etc. She took the issues through to future relationships and they ended as a result. She finally got peace when her exh confided in her that he was deeply unhappy and regretted leaving. I know her exh and he told her this as a kindness, he was happier than ever with the OW but he knew his ex needed to hear this. It did help her and she went on to marry someone rather fabulous but my point is what does it really matter? Having a wonderful life for yourself is what counts now.

All too often you see women/men tirelessly trying to reel an ex back in by becoming what they perceive to be their exes perfect version. It never works. They chose someone else for a reason and that’s it.

Be proud of yourself for bouncing back OP and showing resilience and blow away the vengeance and continue living your life.

I used to believe in karma, but I've seen too many nasty, cruel and evil people have happy lives. Having no clue as to the trail of pain they've left, and no care even if they do. I always hoped karma would be like for e.g the bad person would suffer what they have dished out to others, and that karma would teach them the reason they are going through a bad time. In my opinion, karma is useless unless the person who receives it (bad karma) learns WHY they are receiving their bad karma, and changes. Actually, I have seen a couple of people get some form of bad karma returned, but it never dawned on them why, hence they never changed/change. So, I know this is philosophical, but what is the point of karma if that person doesn't learn what they've done wrong, doesn't have that type of road to Damascus realisation, and change? Because they'll carry on as usual and just think they're having a 'bad run'. Those that do suffer karma often have no idea why, so what lesson is learned?

What's the point?

Deep, I know. But sometimes I just wish the lesson, the reason - would be a revelation to the person, they would know why, and then they can (may) change. Rather than it never dawning on them and they simply repeat their past behaviour over and over again.

I am with you OP, I try & live by Michelle Obama’s philosophy of, “they go low, we go high” but if something happened to my STBXH, I would absolutely revel in it - I wouldn’t have done anything to make it happen but couldn’t happen to a nicer guy!!!!

Personally I've been a lot happier since I embraced my inner git. Suppressing it made it worse, and really, it's only thoughts. It's not going to do anybody any harm.

It's quite a funny little git, really.

I think you are well within your rights to gloat in your Xs miss fortune. There's not many really satisfying opportunities but that's definitely one of them.

@SaraNade
I think you raise a really good point. What I really wanted from my ex is a genuine, heartfelt apology. Where he actually realised what he did wrong and was genuinely remorseful. If that had been the case I do believe I could have forgiven him. Maybe that’s the key, you can’t forgive someone who isn’t sorry.

I used to work with victims of very serious crime. Rape, sexual abuse, the families of murder victims. And overwhelmingly what i found was that what these victims wanted was for the perpetrator to be sorry and to make whatever changes were necessary to ensure they didn’t hurt anyone else. Yes a few wanted all out revenge but most wanted the person to learn from what they had done,

More than wanting to see him suffer, I wish my ex would learn that hurting and manipulating people just comes back to bite you in the end. He clearly hasn’t learnt that from the information I have seen. The one thought in my mind that kept me going in to the early days and still stands true today is that I was lucky. I got away from him. He has to live with himself every day for potentially the rest of his life (unless he gains awareness somewhere down the line) and inside his head is actually a very lonely place to be,

I've read that abusive men/narcissists are so full of shame and self loathing that they subconsciously reject reality for their own warped, more palatable version where they are the victim/hero (I.e their behaviour to the other person was somehow warranted). That's why most abusive men are so deluded and accuse their partners of being the abusive ones for example.

I think the best karma for these types would be for their false reality to be ripped off suddenly, so they could actually access human empathy and be hit all at once with the ugly truth of how much suffering they caused and be haunted by that until the end of their days. I've heard stories where men like this have shown remorse about their past whilst on their death bed but you never quite know whether its genuine remorse or they are just garnering sympathy.

My dickhead exh swore blind he would see me broken and homeless, never a thought to the 3 DC I had with him. He tried every legal avenue to get me to sell the house, failed at every turn
Did I laugh when, 17 years later he lost his house the one hed bought with the money he got after I bought him out at the height of the market all due to his own financial stupidity.
I give zero shits that hes over 60 and alone in a different state as its all he could afford to live in.
He is reaping what he sowed, all his bitterness and anger is coming back to bite him on the ass.
It couldnt have happened to a nicer person . He is alone in a different state, no contact with 1 DC, VLC with another only contact with 1 of them.
Yes i may sound bitter, but Im really not, I wish him all the misery he tried to inflict on us.
I am thrilled to bits with his misery and just hope he lives long enough to really experience it. Cunt

I think a big part of recovery from abuse is being honest with yourself.

This means not taking blame for things that weren’t your fault and a natural consequence of that is acknowledging when someone else’s behaviour was causal. I found it meant I could understand and let go. Not necessarily forgiveness, but peace.

If a behaviour continued and led to poor consequences I guess I would be understanding about that too.

Mine had been having a six month affair, he left our flat and moved straight into hers. When he had been gone about three weeks I asked him where he was so I could drop off his bagged up shit.

I went round, and she thought his old flatmate was dropping his stuff off, so I let her know that this ‘flatmate’ had been his boyfriend until three weeks earlier, oddly enough she didn’t want his stuff dropping off anymore. I left his crap outside my flat on bin day which gave him about forty minutes to collect it. She swiftly threw him out and he ended up living in his mums box room.

At the time it felt fantastic, but then you realise all you did was sink to their level.

Enjoy the sweet moment.

My ex is an absolute arsehole and I enjoy every moment of his misfortune.

I think 'you get back what you give out'

So karma in a way.

Some people are still stamping their feet like a toddler to get their own way.

Until you actually grown up and take responsibility for your own stuff you're always going to struggle.

I try and practice kindness as much as I can.

And it helps to have self awareness and know what you want.

Enjoy 💃

I have an ex's whose life has turned to absolute shit, I don't feel the schadenfreude so much, he's ruined other people's lives, he is an embarrassment and a the drain on the energy of everyone around him.
I feel sorry for his parents who are stuck with him I feel bad for my children because I was naive enough to have children with such an awful man, he's like a horrible ghoul who spreads misery and poison everywhere

I would like to think people get what they deserve. I don't see the point in rejoicing in someone's misery or pain. God knows we all have to deal with that at some point in our lives.

The problem with this is bad things can happen to anyone, no one is immune. So one could rejoice about bad things happening to pan awful ex and then they could themselves get a cancer diagnosis or something similar.

What the Fuck are you on about? No one, not once, have said that they wish cancer on anyone. What people have said is that when, mainly abusive' arseholes have had a downfall (from their own twattiness), they have been happy. Please stop bringing cancer into it, you drama queen!!

Completely agree @oabiti. My mouth actually fell open when I read that!! Idiot!!

We all have different settings for this kind of thing. Aside from trying to engineer harm to someone, no reaction is incorrect.

I gloat like mad privately when something bad happens to someone who wronged me, but if they then come to me and ask for help I dissolve like a soggy tissue. I can only handle schadenfreude from afar...

If someone has wronged me, I will get even with them, no matter how long it takes. The last time took me 8 years

That seems way too unhealthy, too much focus on the other person and premeditated. Ex was abusive and like most toxic people he is personality disordered. In some ways his karma is the fact he will always be him. He can't improve as it is a fixed condition so will never have long lasting love or respect from those who know him well as he hurts everyone eventually.

with abusive people I prefer to step away and let them bear the consequences of their own choices and their own behaviours.

I’m not an idiot , I’ve known people rejoice at other people dying of cancer. That’s why I dislike it in general.