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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I go back to my husband

78 replies

Rosebel · 05/09/2019 21:23

I left my husband 2 weeks ago after he but me infront of our eldest daughter. I am living with my parents at the moment but finding it stressful. My parents don't know why I walked away and my dad keeps pressuring me to go back to my husband and work things out. My mum hasn't said anything except she'll support me whatever I decide. My husband keeps phoning and texting me saying how much he loves me and reminding me of all the good times we had.My girls are also desperate to go home and cry because they miss their dad. I miss him too. Should I go back to him? I thought walking away was,the right thing but everyone seems miserable now..

OP posts:
category12 · 05/09/2019 21:25

Perhaps you should tell your parents that he hit you. Why haven't you told them?

Original poster
Rosebel · 05/09/2019 21:38

I haven't told them because when I arrived at their house they asked if we'd had a row and I said yes because it was true but I just couldn't bring myself to say he'd hit me. I'm also worried about my daughter, she hasn't said anything about her dad hitting me and I don't know if I should being it up or not. At the moment I just keep reassuring my girls that we both love them. Not sure what else to say.

OP posts:
bluejelly · 05/09/2019 21:40

Don't go back to your husband.
Talk to your daughter about what happened (age appropriately)
Tell your parents.
See a solicitor
Get support from Women's aid.
You can do this Thanks

Windmillwhirl · 05/09/2019 21:41

Has he said anything about the hitting?. Is he prepared to talk about and work through why that happened?

You don't mention if he has hit you before.

Is there any reason why you have not told your parents what happened? Why do they think you left? Perhaps if they knew he was abusive they would be more welcoming of you being there.

Personally, I'd be inclined to stay where you are and think this through more. He's clearly trying to remind you of the good times, but he hit you. In front of your child. Reflect on that.

category12 · 05/09/2019 21:45

Is it partially because once you tell them, there's no taking it back and it makes it real? Your parents are bound to think you should go back and work it out if they don't have the whole story.

And of course the dc want to go home to "normal life" - but it's not the place to take them to witness violence and domestic abuse.

bombomboobah · 05/09/2019 21:50

Your mum sounds like a good person, tell her the truth about what happened

Original poster
Rosebel · 05/09/2019 22:02

I know I should tell my mum but finding it hard to bring it up, perhaps it is partly to do with actually making it real. Just finding it hard to keep saying no to my husband. I still love him so much.

OP posts:
Imtrying2 · 05/09/2019 22:06

Please don’t go back, he’s hit you once, usually means it will happen again. The girls will get their heads around it eventually but I think you do need to chat to the one that saw it happen.

category12 · 05/09/2019 22:08

It's not the first time, is it?

HelenUrth · 05/09/2019 22:11

Your eldest daughter saw this.
Do you want to teach her that its normal for a husband to hit his wife, and that the correct response from said wife is to pretend it didn't happen?

Original poster
Rosebel · 05/09/2019 23:03

It's the first time he's hit me in front of either of our children but it has happened before only when he gets angry though.I thought leaving was the best thing but I'm not sure anymore.
I feel guilty as well because my daughters have only seen their dad once since we left. I have tried to suggest he sees them but he just says I need to come home so he can see them all the time. Feel like a terrible mum at the moment.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 05/09/2019 23:23

He has escalated to hitting you in front of your daughter and you are protecting him

Sorry op but you need to take action otherwise your daughters will normalise this

Tell your mum and get legaladvice

Quartz2208 · 05/09/2019 23:24

Women’s aid as well

PickAChew · 05/09/2019 23:25

Tell your parents the truth.

Don't go back to someone who treats you like a punchbag.

PickAChew · 05/09/2019 23:27

And don't feel guilty about keeping your daughters away from a man who thinks it's just fine to thump a woman because he's "angry"

ellzebellze · 05/09/2019 23:27

You are NOT a terrible mum, he is a terrible father and husband. Please tell your family what happened, and they will then understand and support you.

chinam · 05/09/2019 23:28

Tell your mum what happened. Don't go back. It will only get worse. If you won't do it for yourself, do it for your children. You all deserve better.

madcatladyforever · 05/09/2019 23:30

Don't ever go back. My first husband almost killed me after the violence escalated from "just" slaps. No child should ever have to witness their mother being hit.
Please don't go back. Tell your mum. Tell your solicitor.
If you go back you are at serious risk of being killed.
Domestic violence always escalates after you go back as the man thinks he has got away with he violence and becomes more violent because he thinks you will always go back.
Certainly everytime I went back (three times) the violence dramatical lying increased and of course me and DS then ended up in the end in a refuge.

user764329056 · 05/09/2019 23:32

Tell your mum and dad, I think you’d feel a weight lifting if you do, as it is it’s as if you’re keeping a guilty secret and you have nothing to feel guilty about, he has abused you and also your daughter by her witnessing his violence, he doesn’t deserve you returning to that, hope you’re ok xx

HoppingPavlova · 05/09/2019 23:33

Not returning is best. Otherwise, apart from the obvious unacceptable behaviour, there is a high likelihood that your girls will grow up to think that living with abusive men is normal and acceptable and so will find themselves in this situation. Break the cycle for their sakes at least.

bellmadboo · 05/09/2019 23:34

Omg get rid for your children's sake. Yes you should talk to you DD and tell her it's not normal for a man to hit/beat his woman/gf/wife. I have been there as soon as my DD was 3 months old I walked no question about it. Love does not hurt you like that. Let me guess each time he's says sorry I love I can't control my self

wattytanker · 05/09/2019 23:39

Do not go back. You are not telling your parents because you're carrying shame from being abused. It's the "couldn't have happened to me unless I'm weak and stupid" narrative that abuse triggers. Do not let this be your shame. It isn't yours. It is all his. You are not the one responsible for his actions. He is.

Don't carry this on your own and do not go back to this man. He's dangerous.

Contact Women's Aid tomorrow. Call until you get through.

Tell your parents. They need to know to support you. You have to make it real so you get your power back. This is not your shame to carry.

You've done the right and very brave thing and it is normal you doubt yourself. It's the pervasive nature of abuse. It conditions you to blur boundaries.

Your children need to be protected from this man. I am a child of a DV home. It was terrifying, traumatising to see my mother being abused. She left and never went back. I am forever grateful to her. She's my hero. That's who you are.

Tell your parents.

justasking111 · 05/09/2019 23:39

Good advice here. If he kills you what happens to your child? Tell your parents, get rid of him. I know it will not be easy.

Whathewhatnow · 05/09/2019 23:40

Please, please don't go back. I beg you.
You are not a bad mum. You are a GOOD mum. You are making hard decisions but the right decisions bu removing them from this situation. You are teaching them not to tolerate this sort of behaviour from anyone. This is imperative and the most important thing you can do for them.
Of course they love and miss their dad. He is all they have ever known. But they will also be scared of his temper even if they don't say as much. Kids see everything. They will grow up knowing their needs come second to his temper, if you go back.

Tell your mum. She is a good egg.

Bouledeneige · 05/09/2019 23:47

Listen to what you told us and be honest with yourself. A man is repeatedly hitting you.

You left because he hit you in front of the children. But he has hit you before. He hits you. What do you mean - only when he's angry. It is never okay for him to have hit you. Not once. Never ever go back. Get help to keep away from him. He has scared and bullied you into a place where hitting you only when he's angry is okay. This is not life and living. It is hell.