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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should I go back to my husband

78 replies

Rosebel · 05/09/2019 21:23

I left my husband 2 weeks ago after he but me infront of our eldest daughter. I am living with my parents at the moment but finding it stressful. My parents don't know why I walked away and my dad keeps pressuring me to go back to my husband and work things out. My mum hasn't said anything except she'll support me whatever I decide. My husband keeps phoning and texting me saying how much he loves me and reminding me of all the good times we had.My girls are also desperate to go home and cry because they miss their dad. I miss him too. Should I go back to him? I thought walking away was,the right thing but everyone seems miserable now..

OP posts:

bombomboobah · 05/09/2019 23:55

Can you hear yourself?
you're trying to justify it, by saying he only hits you when he's angry
This is completely and utterly unacceptable, he should be charged with assault
I wonder if he hits his boss at work when he's angry?

bombomboobah · 05/09/2019 23:58

I know you 'love' him but this is not any kind of a good love, it's kind of trauma bonding, it's extremely unhealthy, he's brainwashed you into shooting yourself in the foot, into loving the thing that is trying to destroy you
You have been gaslit to hell and back
You must escape or he will crush your soul

HelenUrth · 05/09/2019 23:58

"Only when he gets angry though" - do you think that makes it somehow more acceptable?
What has happened in your life that you dont realise the only acceptable level of violence in a relationship is none?
Do you understand that you are minimising this by saying its only when he gets angry? Like then it's your job to make sure he doesn't get angry?

I keep saying, and will say again, abuse thrives in secrecy. Tell your parents, friends, whoever. You didn't make him hit you - any of the times. Hes a piece of shit and you shouldn't cover for him or feel bad for him.
How fucking dare he hit the mother of his children? What a waste of space he is.

Rescue your children from him and a childhood filled with abuse. Do not take any responsibility for his actions. They are on him, and him only.

ShutupWesley · 06/09/2019 06:01

If you go back, he'll probably move on to hitting your DDs eventually. You need to stay away to protect them.

Sally2791 · 06/09/2019 06:14

Don’t go back to DV. Him not seeing the children unless you do is emotional blackmail. Tell your parents everything and see a solicitor asap

GertrudeCB · 06/09/2019 06:18

Tell your parents.

category12 · 06/09/2019 06:19

I have tried to suggest he sees them but he just says I need to come home so he can see them all the time. Feel like a terrible mum at the moment.

He's manipulating you. You want to do your best for the dc - he wants to use them to force you to do what he wants. He's not interested in their welfare or happiness, just in his own.

He's escalated his violence so he'll do it in front of your children. Which is abusing them by proxy - what sort of message is it to see your mum hit when dad is angry? Do you want this to be normal for your dd, for her to grow up and think it's normal for partners to hit her? Don't you think it will make them afraid of your dh as well? And don't fool yourself that he'd never hurt them - maybe not when they're small, but as teenagers when they start to challenge him and make him angry?

Please speak to Women's Aid. Please stay where you are.

category12 · 06/09/2019 06:20

And you're not a terrible mum. He's a terrible dad. He did this. Not you.

AnnaNimmity · 06/09/2019 06:50

Oh dear OP, poor you. How horrible. Please do tell your mum the truth and get support. Please do call WA.

He's hit you and it's escalated. It will escalate further, it always does. The man will get more and more extreme as you normalise and excuse and let him get away with it. You're already making excuses - he was angry, it wasn't in front of the children etc. There's no excuse.

No, you shouldn't go back, you should keep the hell away from him. Tell your mother what he's done and get support from WA or similar. Read about domestic violence and how it will often lead to murder, how it always escalates. How it will impact your children if they see it and normalise it. Do you really want them to see their mother like this?

He isn't a good father - a good father wouldn't hit the mother. Ever. And walking away was and is the right thing.

My mum was the child of such a house. It's damaged her so much. my ex dp too. He's shared so much with me, including the damage to his sisters, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Even the fear of violence, the control, the walking on eggshells, damages the children.

TamarindCove · 06/09/2019 07:02

He got you in front of your daughter, you did absolutely the right thing by showing her that this behaviour is not to be tolerated. How would you feel in years to come if it was your daughter being hit by her husband but she stayed because she loved him?

Also, as if that wasn’t bad enough he then doesn’t see his kids but tries to use them as a tool to manipulate you to move back home.

He’s not a good husband. He’s not a good Dad. He’s an abusive, manipulative arsehole.

ADUTT7 · 06/09/2019 07:11

“Only when he gets angry”

Read that to yourself 100 times and ask yourself

“Do I want to live my life in fear of this. Would I want my daughter to live with a man like this?”

Barbarara · 06/09/2019 07:17

And you’re not a terrible mum. You’re inspiring and awesome.

AnnaNimmity · 06/09/2019 07:55

He's manipulating you to come back - telling you your children need him, that you need him in order to be a proper family. You don't. You're strong. You aren't a crap mum.

AMAM8916 · 06/09/2019 08:10

Please don't go back. He hits you when he gets angry and now it's at the next level where he does it infront of your children, well one of them. I would tell your parents then your dad will likely stop pressuring you to go back and they may even help you with getting housing elsewhere. When it comes to you, you can make decisions and put yourself through anything you want but with your kids... you need to protect them from seeing things like this. He won't change

sallievp · 06/09/2019 08:23

You are a great mum..you are protecting your children!
If you went back to him then you would not be a good mum at all by allowing them to live with a violent bully who hits his wife when angry!
Does his hit his boss or colleagues when angry?? No thought not.
Please tell your parents what happened.

AmIThough · 06/09/2019 08:26

Please tell your parents what happened.
Please don't go back to him - he will hit you again. He knows he can get away with it.
Please also consider reporting him to the police and don't let him see your children alone - what happens when he gets angry and you're not there to take it out on?

Rainbowqueeen · 06/09/2019 08:37

Your kids need protecting. They are too young to know how dangerous going back would be for them.

If you can’t find the words to tell your parents send them a text or email or link to this thread. I have no doubt they will support you once they know the truth

Your H is not a good man. He won’t even see his kids in order to try to force you back to him. That should tell you how much he cares about them. And you

Please get some RL support.

Original poster

Rosebel · 06/09/2019 09:35

Thank you for the replies. It's my first time posting on here so wasn't sure what to expect. Thank you for reassuring me I did the right thing as I have doubted myself so much the last 2 weeks. The constant texts from my husband make,it hard to stay strong as I really want to believe him but I know my girls have to come first.
I think my mum knows or suspects something more has,happened and i.I'm going to try and tell her this afternoon when my dad's out.
My heart hurts,so much.I thought when I got married it would be forever. What makes it worse,is,that most of the time my husband is so loving and caring and treats me like a princess but then a look comes in his,eyes and I know I'm in trouble.

OP posts:

Hadjab · 06/09/2019 09:38

He hit you.
He hit you.
He hit you.
He hit you.

Last time it was you, next time it will be your kids.

Let that sink in.

AnnaNimmity · 06/09/2019 09:38

the person who attacked me made me feel like the most loved person in the world most of the time.

Good luck OP. Stay strong x

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/09/2019 09:40

You have absolutely done the right thing here by both you and your daughters in getting away from your violent husband. You have and will continue to teach them good and positive lessons about relationships. Remember that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE.

If you have not already spoken to Womens Aid I would urge you to make contact with them as they can also help.

I hope your mother is helpful to you this afternoon. Abuse like you describe thrives on secrecy; time to bust this wide open now. Abusers can be nice sometimes but their nice/nasty cycle is a continuous one and is a part of their abuse.

pinkyredrose · 06/09/2019 09:44

Please don't go back to this abuser.

BogglesGoggles · 06/09/2019 09:45

You’re doing the right thing by telling your mother. It’s like ripping a band aid off, the anticipation is far the hardest bit. You have done the right thing by leaving him. If he hits you in front of your daughters he’s sending them the message that it’s alright for their future partner to hit them.

Winterlife · 06/09/2019 09:46

I know a woman who was in your position. After 15 years of abuse when her husband was drunk, she told him if he ever hit her again, she was leaving forever. He never hit her again.

You will continue to be abused unless your husband wants to change. Only he knows if he is willing to do the work to change.

His refusal to see your daughters unless you go back is manipulation. It is also a form of abuse. He is using your daughters to try to blackmail you to go back.

Dljlr · 06/09/2019 09:48

The chances of your daughters ending up in a similar relationship where they're beaten by a man who purports to love them will shoot up by a mile if you return to this man. You have done the right thing. You have to keep your children safe. They are more important than him and as harsh as this sounds, more important than you and what you want (to be with a man you love who only gets angry 'occasionally'). Do talk to your mum. And remind yourself that this is what is best for your children. One day they will understand. If you expose them to a life of watching their mother be beaten and possibly being abused themselves they will never understand.

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