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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

If you found out your dh had had an affair for 16 months would you ...

428 replies

Eggid · 04/09/2019 18:59

Throw him out? Even if he’s all you’ve ever known and you’ve been together for nearly 40 years? Even if he’s spent the 10 months since you found out doing all in his power to put things right?

Some days I want to kill myself. Some days I want to kill him. Most days I just don’t know what to do.

Please tell me what you would do given that we’ve been together since we were teenagers. Dc are all grown up and gone, and they don’t know anything.

Thank you.

OP posts:
Loveislandaddict · 06/09/2019 17:50

Sorry if you have already answered this but why did the affair end? Did dh or ow end it, or was it because you found out?

If because you found out, then i’d Be less willing (if at all) to continue. It means that he only ended the affair because he was caught, not because it meant nothing to him.

Also, sixteen months is a long time, over a year and would include Christmas, birthdays, holidays etc. Maybe a few days or even weeks, you could argue that his head was turned, but sixteen months!

For me, I coukdn’t continue because the trust had gone. I wouldn’t know if he was telling the truth or not. Also, i’d Wonder if she was the first.

I’m sorry you are in this situation.

Robin2323 · 06/09/2019 18:43

*@darkcloudsandsunnyskies *
*People make mistakes. Forgiveness is so very difficult but it is what we are all supposed to do.

We are not here for a very long time. Perhaps you should try and help the people you know during your life.*

This

Really good advise.

Trust has be rebuilt but it takes time.

Huskylover1 · 06/09/2019 22:04

We are not here for a very long time. Perhaps you should try and help the people you know during your life

Really good advice? Eh? I can't even work out what the fuck this is supposed to mean?

Original poster
Eggid · 06/09/2019 22:09

Love I found out about the affair, he didn’t end it. Although he is of course saying now he would’ve ended it, he’s glad it’s out in the open, it was all a mistake etc.

He says he was swept up in the moment. She made him feel young. And wanted. He thought I didn’t care about him. All the stuff that, thanks to this thread and you lovely folks, I now know they all say.

When I ask him why he didn’t talk to me about these feelings of supposedly not being wanted, he claims that he did. But, hand on heart, I don’t remember any conversations along those lines.

I don’t blame her at all, he sold her a version of our relationship for whatever reason. I know people who know her, and she is not in a good place apparently. I almost feel that I want to reach out and comfort her. Such a mess.

OP posts:
Swisskit · 06/09/2019 22:14

Just to put the other point of view ... a friend of mine has been having an affair for two years with a man she works with. But, she adores her husband, would never, ever want to leave him, but I think her affair gives her the excitement that her long-term marriage no longer gives her (she is also in her 50s). So maybe he means it when he says that he wants to be with you, that he regrets the affair etc.

It would be very hard to trust him again, but if he truly wants to make it up to you then I'm sure you can work things out eventually. Flowers

Huskylover1 · 06/09/2019 22:17

I think your big mistake here, is not throwing him out, even if it's not forever. He hasn't felt any real panic at losing you, has he? Time for you to detach and socialise without him, in my view. And please remember, he is JUST ONE MAN. You could do worse than to kick him out for 6 months and have a bit of fun with some other guys. Take him back after that, if you feel that you want to. Why not?

I almost feel that I want to reach out and comfort her

She knew about you didn't she? She trampled all over your territory. Don't forget that. She's not a little 16 year old that got led astray, she's a grown ass woman who knew exactly what she was doing. Save your sympathy for someone more deserving.

Oly4 · 06/09/2019 22:19

Have you been to counselling?
I don’t know what I’d do. I’d be reluctant to throw all those years away but I’m not sure I’d trust him again. I’d need counselling i think

yellowallpaper · 07/09/2019 11:57

Honestly i don't think it's worth carrying on with your H. You will never trust him again. He can never make up for all the lies and deceit. Love is based on trust and that's gone

Loveislandaddict · 07/09/2019 12:07

Mom, so he hadn’t actually ended the affair. And when did he intend to end the affair? One week later, a month, another sixteen months?

I’, sorry, he’s feeding you all the Classic ‘it was a mistake’ lines. He may genuinely still care for you, and men are very good at compartmenting their lives into separate boxes.

However, being ‘swept up in the moment’ doesn’t Last for over a year.

The lieing and deceipt would do it for me. And is having an affair the answer.

If he was really unhappy, he could have suggested counselling or a separation first.

yellowallpaper · 07/09/2019 13:39

You have a binary choice.

Cut him out of your life because he has betrayed all you have had together and lied and cheated.

Genuinely forgive him and rebuild your life together.

If you are someone who can build a trust on quicksand (because that's what his lies and cheating has put under your feet), someone who can completely forget the betrayal and not throw it back in his face, someone who will never check his phone again because you don't feel the need to any more, someone who can feel secure married to someone who has lied to your face, been behind your back with another woman, lied about you, someone who doesn't wake in the night wondering where her husband is. I know it wouldn't be me.

Dowser · 07/09/2019 14:27

Eggid
Don’t be afraid about starting again in mid 50s
That’s how old I was when my husband revealed his affair
The one he admitted to was one of many
I met a lovely man 3 months after my divorce
Much more suited to him than ex
We’ve been together 11 years now

As for ex, he got cancer and died
Thank god I didn’t have to nurse him through that after finding about his affair
Luckily for him, he married a nurse.

Original poster
Eggid · 08/09/2019 12:49

Just wanted to thank folks for the chump lady/Ester Perel/Scripd links. I’ve been reading through. We are a cliche :(.

OP posts:
CIareIsland · 08/09/2019 13:18

Eggid knowledge is power. There is no rush to do anything right now - but you must emotionally protect yourself. As many who have walked this path can confirm - the betrayal is one thing, the lies and deception during that time another (that will flash through your mind) - but the insult to injury of the the lying, denying, minimising, blaming that goes on after is hideous. This is the only part of the pain that you have any control over - so choose your actions and what you expose yourself to wisely.

This is a long painful road - which ever way you go. So prepare, plan it, pace it and take care of yourself 100% - because you are the one who has been most injured here. He hasn’t been hurt - just shocked that he has been caught.

EmmaLouisLou · 08/09/2019 13:33

From reading posts on MN and friends irl every woman I know who stayed, 10 years later has said if they made the decision again they'd leave. That the heartache of staying and rebuilding wasn't worth it in the end, it cost too much in terms of self esteem and nervous energy over the years.

Good luck in whatever you decide Flowers

NomDeQwerty · 08/09/2019 19:23

Don't forget that he didn't leave you for this woman. He chose to stay and use you to keep his house, provide financial contribution, do the shopping, be there for sex etc etc etc. It's not just about him giving from her what he should have given to you (time and intimacy?) it's about was he was taking from you all the months he was fucking her. He used you. You were a convenience. He doesn't want to step away now because you are too much use to him.

NomDeQwerty · 08/09/2019 19:25

That was the point in Chump Lady when the penny finally dropped for me OP and I so regretted the second chance I had given him.

S021 · 08/09/2019 22:29

You have no idea that’s the situation here NomDeQwerty.

S021 · 08/09/2019 22:36

Eggid I hope you’re doing ok. It’s horrid 💐

It is possible to get through this.
I have. We have. However, many fail and seem to be bitter and resentful of this.

SandyY2K · 09/09/2019 14:28

Did he volunteer the information about the affair being 16 months? Because if he did, I can almost guarantee it's a lie and it was longer than that.

Some ppl have forgiven longer affairs, but they aren't you. Only you know what you can forgive.

I've spoken with both men and women in your position. Those who have ended up happy afterwards, didn't have such a long term affair to deal with.

It really does depend on the two individuals concerned.

Maybe you need to give yourself more time to decide...let hin know that it still plays on your mind... share your pain with him.

If he's truly remorseful, he will understand and not get impatient....he will realise his actions have caused this and be supportive to you.

Sometimes, regardless of how remorseful the cheater is, regardless of how much you want to forgive and move on... it's just not something everyone can do.

GrimpenMire · 09/09/2019 17:38

So he's tried to blame you OP. Shize he's a charmer isn't he?

I would be so gone.

S021 · 09/09/2019 17:57

I have obviously missed the post that says he’s trying to blame the OP

category12 · 09/09/2019 18:15

S021: He thought I didn’t care about him. [...] When I ask him why he didn’t talk to me about these feelings of supposedly not being wanted, he claims that he did.

S021 · 09/09/2019 19:51

I don’t see that as blame.
It’s a reason, and it’s vital the reasons are explored so long as they’re not excuses and the blame lies firmly with him

S021 · 09/09/2019 19:56

My own DH did tell me that he felt isolated from the family when travelling for work. I was so busy working, managing after school activities and looking after everything at home I didn’t really ‘hear’ what he was saying. In retrospect I see he was reaching out to me

Original poster
Eggid · 09/09/2019 20:43

Nom I’m sorry you’ve been through this too. My thoughts run along those lines precisely - did he spend the day with her, come home claiming to be tired after a hard day at work, and submit to me making him a nice dinner, sympathising with his day etc?

Sandy yes he volunteered the info about 16 months and I’m thinking the same as you now, ie suspecting it went on for longer.

SO21 I do see where you’re coming from, but our dc are grown and gone now. I genuinely thought we had a good, open and equal relationship. I could understand all this (but not like) if we’d been in the “young dc” phase where time is limited and life is manic and everyone is tired. But we’re past that now. I just feel utterly blindsided - even ten months in.

Today has been a bad day - one of those where I literally think every minute about what’s happened. I have an appointment with a counsellor in two weeks time which is something I guess.

OP posts: