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Original poster

Living next door to inlaws

99 replies

ImontheTRAIN · 04/09/2019 16:04

Inlaws are moving to our home town, from another town 90mins away. DH and I have just had a DC (4 weeks) several years of infertility and being told we'd never have children. Inlaws are over the moon and are moving up so we can spend more time together.

My relationship with inlaws in good, I like them and they like me. But I'm very worried this is about to change!

The house next door to the one inlaws are buying has come up for sale. It doesn't suit us and our needs at all, but with some renovation works we could make it work for us. Financially viable, and DH is very keen to buy it and move home - we were looking to move anyway.

There are obvious pros and cons with living next door to inlaws, and I need some help to figure out if this is something do-able - first reaction was 'no wayyyyyyyyy'!

Cons: Very anxious about stupid things like how often to visit them, if not enough they might be offended and if too much they may feel I'm crowding them. I'm worried about DH spending all his time there and not having as much time for me and DC (unlikely but still a worry.) I'm worried about losing my freedoms to walk around in next to nothing, incase FIL pops over (from another culture, quite traditional.) I'm an introvert and don't really like socialising or people calling around unannounced.

Pros: We won't have to pay £500 a month in childcare when I go back to work as the inlaws will look after DC. (It will in inlaws, sister in law and brother in law living next door initially, until SIL and BIL find their own homes - but this could be years as they are quite dependant on PIL due to health issues) DH and I will still be able to go to cinema, gym on a evening together, as again, childcare won't be an issue. We'll get lots of nice food sent over/on offer as the family like to eat well. Help and assistance running my business on tap (I have an online shop which I run from home, they will help with deliveries, packing etc) which means I don't need to find external staff (I will pay them.)

Most of all, there is an expectation in DH's culture to assist with taking care of parents as they become older, and I'm okay with this. They are lovely lovely people but I don't know them that well - there is a slight language barrier but mainly due to distance that has always been between us. I'm just worried about things going wrong if we live so close to them, which will impact our relationship and in turn, maybe DH's and mine relationship. DH has made a lot of sacrifices for me - willingly, such as leaving his home town originally and moving away from his parents to be with me in our town, changing jobs in the process. DH is not putting pressure on me at all but I know this is something he feels duty bound to do. Inlaws don't know about our plans, as we'd want to surprise them. My heart says 'yes' as I want to DH to be happy, but head is saying 'no' as I've heard too many horror stories. I could equally be worried about nothing.

Can anyone offer some perspectives?

OP posts:
Disfordarkchocolate · 04/09/2019 16:08

I really like my in-laws but I'd never move next door to them. My husband would want to see them every day, he'd feel guilty and like he was being rude if he didn't. He'd be helping with stuff they already manage. I'd go mad.

Bookworm4 · 04/09/2019 16:10

No, no and no.
Nearby not next door.

hellsbellsmelons · 04/09/2019 16:10

How far away would you be when they move the new house if you stayed put?
From my perspective it's an immediate 'hell no'
I'd hate living right next door to in-laws or my own parents.

TheFlis12345 · 04/09/2019 16:11

It depends how they are with personal space and boundaries but I fear your life would not be your own any more. I’m imaging they would all see you as one big unit along with SIL and BIL.

Lima45 · 04/09/2019 16:13

Nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope and a bit more nope

Believe me. (I love my in laws btw)
But it's better to keep independent and have your space. Free childcare is nice, but what if they want to do things a different way to you?

Do not get into a situation where you can't escape from your in laws.

And do not move next door to them.

Drabarni · 04/09/2019 16:14

OMG no, who would want to live that close, they'll be round every 5 mins, especially with a new baby.
I made sacrifices and moved with my dh, I wouldn't have wanted to live next door to my parents and i loved them to bits.
It's up to you, but you've been warned Grin

onlyoneoftheregimentinstep · 04/09/2019 16:15

My DS and DIL seriously suggested that we buy the house next to them when we were looking to move. It didn't work out in the end, but I'm
Confident it would have worked well for us all. We're very close and really enjoy each others' company but we don't live in each others' pockets.

Stressedout10 · 04/09/2019 16:15

No no no
You can still have all the pros without living next door to them.
Also if they are overbearing you can't get away from them if you're ndn, you need your own space as a family you will never have that as ndn it will most likely slowly destroy your relationship with them and your dh

Drabarni · 04/09/2019 16:19

Will your dh be looking after his parents as they get older or will you be expected to be their carer?
How will you cope with child knowing gp's as their parents rather than yourselves. What about the culture difference of raising children, you'll have no say if they are raising your child.
It's a waste of time being anxious about own space and not being sociable they aren't going to call before visiting if they are next door Grin
It looks like you will be moving into a family commune all on one another's doorstep. Do you have parents that could move in the other side?

DPotter · 04/09/2019 16:19

No. No No absolutely No!

And I also wouldn't assume free childcare is the total answer you're looking for either.
It may in your DH's culture to provide care for elderly relatives - but there's care and there's care. Start that conversation now, because you could find yourself up to your eyeballs in care responsibilities because it is expected of you (not your DH, you) , with you getting no say in the matter.

StealthPussy · 04/09/2019 16:20

No. Don’t do it.

HollowTalk · 04/09/2019 16:22

I'd never do that. And if you have spare rooms in your house will they expect their other children to move in with you?

GammaStingRay · 04/09/2019 16:24

Absolutely no way. I love my in laws and I would still say no to living next door or on the same street even if it saved me several grand per month. Just way too close for comfort. It’ll be like living with them.

Listen to your gut and don’t try talk yourself into it!

Grambler · 04/09/2019 16:29

Don't jump straight in without testing the water! See how it goes with them living in the same town first, and if that doesn't drive you mad, see what comes up closer to them later.

Windydaysuponus · 04/09/2019 16:31

Yes your dh made sacrifices.
Doesn't mean you have to sacrifice your marriage for him.....
Can't see it ending in anything but disaster.
On tap =no privacy....

LightDrizzle · 04/09/2019 16:37

No way. I wouldn’t have wanted to be next door to my own parents and we got on well. There too great a likelihood of you losing all privacy and if you try to reclaim if, having dreadful fallings out. Worse still, that person whose parents it isn’t, is the most likely to find it difficult, thereby potentially causing difficulties in the marriage “Why can’t you be more welcoming to my parents... they do do much for us.”

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/09/2019 16:39

You need to give your head a wobble.

Do not move into an ongoing renovation project (therefore also time consuming and expensive) next to your inlaws (this equally applies to any relations). This house anyway does not suit you and your needs. As for you also employing them as well as having them live next door, no no and no!!!.

You need space and you will not get this at all if you live next door to them. Any pros you cite are weak actually and are well outweighed by the cons listed. As they age too, you could well become their carer by dint of the fact also that you are female and thus expected in their culture to do it.

QuantamBaby · 04/09/2019 16:45

Move nearby- definitely sounds like it could work

Move next door - too close! You will always be in and out of each other's houses and that can get oppressive very quickly.

My cousin did this - after 5 years of gradually getting more cross and miserable they are now moving house (and that has caused WW3 between her and her DH).

AlexaAmbidextra · 04/09/2019 16:50

Your DH wants to move right next door to his Mummy and Daddy? Ffs. How old is he? Twelve? No way on earth would this be happening. Absolutely no good can come of it. I’d say the same to you if it was your parents. A bit of physical distance makes for happier relationships.

mbosnz · 04/09/2019 16:50

My niece did this.
Oh, and sil lived next to them too.
They're now ex inlaws. . .

EvilPostbox · 04/09/2019 16:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Drum2018 · 04/09/2019 16:52

You may as well knock the dividing wall and have one big house with one big happy family living under the same roof - NOT! Seriously I wouldnt do it and I like my inlaws. But living right next door would be a bit suffocating, especially as you really don't know the level of intrusion to expect. As for them giving free childcare, babysitting for nights out, gym etc, have they even said they'll do this? It's a bit much to expect and no doubt if they do it you will have clashes on how to raise your child. Think very carefully before you jump in at the deep end!

Doilooklikeatourist · 04/09/2019 16:53

It would be a no from me

FawnDrench · 04/09/2019 16:56

It's a definite no from me.

IdblowJonSnow · 04/09/2019 16:58

Not a fucking chance!!!Wink

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