Living next door to inlaws

[ImontheTRAIN]

Inlaws are moving to our home town, from another town 90mins away. DH and I have just had a DC (4 weeks) several years of infertility and being told we'd never have children. Inlaws are over the moon and are moving up so we can spend more time together.

My relationship with inlaws in good, I like them and they like me. But I'm very worried this is about to change!

The house next door to the one inlaws are buying has come up for sale. It doesn't suit us and our needs at all, but with some renovation works we could make it work for us. Financially viable, and DH is very keen to buy it and move home - we were looking to move anyway.

There are obvious pros and cons with living next door to inlaws, and I need some help to figure out if this is something do-able - first reaction was 'no wayyyyyyyyy'!

Cons: Very anxious about stupid things like how often to visit them, if not enough they might be offended and if too much they may feel I'm crowding them. I'm worried about DH spending all his time there and not having as much time for me and DC (unlikely but still a worry.) I'm worried about losing my freedoms to walk around in next to nothing, incase FIL pops over (from another culture, quite traditional.) I'm an introvert and don't really like socialising or people calling around unannounced.

Pros: We won't have to pay £500 a month in childcare when I go back to work as the inlaws will look after DC. (It will in inlaws, sister in law and brother in law living next door initially, until SIL and BIL find their own homes - but this could be years as they are quite dependant on PIL due to health issues) DH and I will still be able to go to cinema, gym on a evening together, as again, childcare won't be an issue. We'll get lots of nice food sent over/on offer as the family like to eat well. Help and assistance running my business on tap (I have an online shop which I run from home, they will help with deliveries, packing etc) which means I don't need to find external staff (I will pay them.)

Most of all, there is an expectation in DH's culture to assist with taking care of parents as they become older, and I'm okay with this. They are lovely lovely people but I don't know them that well - there is a slight language barrier but mainly due to distance that has always been between us. I'm just worried about things going wrong if we live so close to them, which will impact our relationship and in turn, maybe DH's and mine relationship. DH has made a lot of sacrifices for me - willingly, such as leaving his home town originally and moving away from his parents to be with me in our town, changing jobs in the process. DH is not putting pressure on me at all but I know this is something he feels duty bound to do. Inlaws don't know about our plans, as we'd want to surprise them. My heart says 'yes' as I want to DH to be happy, but head is saying 'no' as I've heard too many horror stories. I could equally be worried about nothing.

Can anyone offer some perspectives?

No way - too close and they'll be judgemental, trying to run your lives and not letting you do your own thing. There'll be an expectation if you (like you have, massively of them ... cinema and gym together at night ... 😯) but likely you'll be telling us in a year 'I'm Sick of of PIL making decisions for my child ...' because basically you're living in each other's pockets

Next village or town yes, not next door - far too invasive and close ... maybe that's just me though

Have you assumed that they will do all this childcare and food offering?

I live opposite my in laws. Our driveways face each other. I reckon there’s about twenty steps between our houses.

Just had a baby.

I wouldn’t change it. They probably pop over every day, but never stay in inappropriate time. As in, they’ll either leave very quickly if I’m clearly busy, or will happily stay for a bit if I offer them a cuppa.

It’s been very useful so far!

ineedaholidaynow

Yeah, I admit I was thinking it’s odd how all these people have managed to find suitable affordable housing right next door or a few doors down from someone they know, seems really unlikely yet there are loads of people talking about it like it’s the norm!

Some people have really weird concepts about distance though I’ve noticed, and it’s more exaggerated when they have never moved away. I overheard a colleague saying she was finding it hard now she’s moved away from her parents as they used to be so close. Someone asked how far she’d moved, and she meant that she’d gone from being on the same street to a fifteen minute drive away 😂 she actually thought that was a fair bit of distance. Boggles the mind. My parent is about an hour away, sixty ish miles, and I consider that to be fairly close by!

I think it's a great idea. My elderly mil lives with us- she has her own living space in our house though- and it's so much easier looking after her than it would be if she lived elsewhere. If you get on I'd say go for it.

I remember talking to a neighbour who had recently moved into our street. She must have been in her early 20s. She said her mother had been absolutely distraught when she moved away, no-one in their family had moved so far away. She had moved 5 miles!

How old are your in-laws? If they have two adult children dependent on them due to health problems, to provide all your childcare plus regular babysitting, making food for you and working in your business sounds a lot for them to take on even if they are relatively young and fit at the moment. Have they offered to do all this? Even if they have, it might turn out to be too much for them. I speak as a relatively fit grandparent in my fifties, with no dependents, providing just two days childcare and occasional babysitting. If I was expected to fit the rest in I'd feel I'd not got much time for myself. Have you considered a mix of nursery and grandparent care?

My parents live in an adjoined annex to out house. I wouldn't be able to work without them because I start work at 5am every day and my husband is away for work every week Monday - Friday. It can be a pain in the arse at times, for example when my mum decided to walk into our house when we were having sex on the sofa one evening for us it works very well but you need clear ground rules about what is and isn't acceptable and you need to keep your own space. Having a door which is firmly locked between you (which we don't have the luxury of due to my work) will be invaluable to maintain your privacy. Even if you have each others keys, nobody should walk into the other house without knocking.
I'm not going to lie, at times it has been a pain in the arse having them next to us but I find the benefits far out weigh the negatives.

Are they both independent individuals - have interesting jobs, go away on long hols together, lots of hobbies and interests and friends.
In that case it might work - but if either of them needs you and your family to give them meaning to their life or to be a companion /friend, have spare time on their hands and no real outside interests then I would say no.

If the in-laws have jobs, take long holidays, and have lots of interests they won't be able to do all the childcare, babysitting, food preparation and working as mentioned by the op.

No from me too.

Only do it if you really want to see them all the time. Socially, childcare in the day and evening apparently, them doing work for you? Popping round.

It would be like being married to them as well as your husband.

99% of people would hate this.

Be independent and pay for your own childcare and business needs. Keep the boundaries clear and I guarantee you will have a happier marriage!

Hellllllll na

As pp have said, I wouldn't even want my own parents next door. I need my own space.

Nope never move closer enough so extended family can hear any arguments you may have! I live on the opposite side of the village too my parents and it works fine.

My grandparents live next door to my parents. Was very handy for childcare when we were younger, and great now the grandparents are older and need more support.

Luckily they all get on and all know boundaries.

Rereading the OP the parents might not too be keen on them moving next as the OP is looking at them as childcare and employees, so the parents might be the ones who don't have any independent time

I live in the next road to my parents - which is great as it's v close by (for childcare/when parents get older etc etc) but not TOO close... I would recommend you keep looking in the area, but not NEXT DOOR...

I would also not assume that they would take your child full time when you go back to work. Babies/toddlers can be very tiring... and you might want some variety of care for your child/have a bit more control over their care? Just to nip any issues in the bud before they happen!

It might work brilliantly for all of you. It is normal in some cultures and it just depends on what they are like.

It depends on the in laws. As you say there is a culture wherein your DH is expected to look after his parents. This is probably why they are moving to your town. so they have someone to look after them as they age. they will look after your children and in return you will be expected to look after them. There is nothing wrong with this in theory but often the dynamic is that you are all one family given that they are looking after your children and you will be looking after them. You can expect that they will involved with all your family decision given that you are now one big happy family. You are used to you and DH but this will change. I wouldn't do it if you begged me and I wouldn't allow them to take care of my children full time either. Forget the Gym and Cinema! You will pay a heavy price for them looking after your child(ren) for "free". it works for some but only, I think, if there is a respect of boundaries and/or both parties come from the same culture and see their parents as being more important than their spouse.

no no no no no nononnonononononononon etc

bad idea!!

live close - mabey 10 mins drive, not any closer!

With respect to the culture thing it's probably easier to cope with if that is the way you have always lived, but if you have broken away from tradition, even for just a short while, or it is not your culture, then it is probably harder to live with.

My MIL used to work with a number of people who had the culture where the eldest son looked after his parents either by son and his family living with his parents, or the parents coming to live with them when becoming elderly (think she might have been dropping hints as DH is the eldest son, but so not going to happen!). She said her friends would say that you would put up with the hardship and problems with living with the ILs on the basis that at some point you would become the matriarch.

Agree with everyone else - don't do it. I thought my pils were great - and then I had DS. They turned into annoying, grabby and selfish people who just kept turning up and wanting to be involved with everything.

I'm glad we lived 15 mins away by car otherwise I'd never have got rid of them!

Thanks for all the comments. Luckily DH and I viewed another home, about 5/10 mins away from PIL new home, that we both like and feel it is a good compromise. It seems like people have vastly difference experiences, but I don't think I'd personally feel comfortable with being next door on reflection. The irony is, the couple who own the house that we viewed this weekend and want to buy are in their 70's and are moving next door to their daughter! DH and I had a chuckle at that!

I currently live over 2000 miles away from my elderly and frail parents and have never lived with or close to them since leaving home to go to Uni, but my goodness how I would love to do so now.

The help of my DB and DSis enables them to remain within their home and I feel guilty I can do little but provide DPs with some financial assistance. I wish I had the chance to be able to support them now in person in return for all the love and care they gave me as a child.

I think some of the close family arrangements PPs have written about on here sound lovely but that said, OP, I do think your compromise option is very sensible. And for all my envy of those of you who are located close to your DPs, I do know that I would feel very different if it were my MIL as she is the most difficult of women!