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Original poster

Living next door to inlaws

99 replies

ImontheTRAIN · 04/09/2019 16:04

Inlaws are moving to our home town, from another town 90mins away. DH and I have just had a DC (4 weeks) several years of infertility and being told we'd never have children. Inlaws are over the moon and are moving up so we can spend more time together.

My relationship with inlaws in good, I like them and they like me. But I'm very worried this is about to change!

The house next door to the one inlaws are buying has come up for sale. It doesn't suit us and our needs at all, but with some renovation works we could make it work for us. Financially viable, and DH is very keen to buy it and move home - we were looking to move anyway.

There are obvious pros and cons with living next door to inlaws, and I need some help to figure out if this is something do-able - first reaction was 'no wayyyyyyyyy'!

Cons: Very anxious about stupid things like how often to visit them, if not enough they might be offended and if too much they may feel I'm crowding them. I'm worried about DH spending all his time there and not having as much time for me and DC (unlikely but still a worry.) I'm worried about losing my freedoms to walk around in next to nothing, incase FIL pops over (from another culture, quite traditional.) I'm an introvert and don't really like socialising or people calling around unannounced.

Pros: We won't have to pay £500 a month in childcare when I go back to work as the inlaws will look after DC. (It will in inlaws, sister in law and brother in law living next door initially, until SIL and BIL find their own homes - but this could be years as they are quite dependant on PIL due to health issues) DH and I will still be able to go to cinema, gym on a evening together, as again, childcare won't be an issue. We'll get lots of nice food sent over/on offer as the family like to eat well. Help and assistance running my business on tap (I have an online shop which I run from home, they will help with deliveries, packing etc) which means I don't need to find external staff (I will pay them.)

Most of all, there is an expectation in DH's culture to assist with taking care of parents as they become older, and I'm okay with this. They are lovely lovely people but I don't know them that well - there is a slight language barrier but mainly due to distance that has always been between us. I'm just worried about things going wrong if we live so close to them, which will impact our relationship and in turn, maybe DH's and mine relationship. DH has made a lot of sacrifices for me - willingly, such as leaving his home town originally and moving away from his parents to be with me in our town, changing jobs in the process. DH is not putting pressure on me at all but I know this is something he feels duty bound to do. Inlaws don't know about our plans, as we'd want to surprise them. My heart says 'yes' as I want to DH to be happy, but head is saying 'no' as I've heard too many horror stories. I could equally be worried about nothing.

Can anyone offer some perspectives?

OP posts:
ineedaholidaynow · 05/09/2019 00:25

trying for many of those people it is probably more because of tradition than choice, and I assume it isn't always happy families.

There is no way I would do this. My elderly DM has moved to our town since DF died, we encouraged and helped her to move but she is not next door, so we still all have our independence. If she lived next door I would feel pretty much she was living with us and certainly not fair on DH. My DM is not very mobile so there is no random popping in and I always phone if I am going to see her.

I too would see how it is with them living near you. If your BIL and SIL have health issues will you end up having to look after them too?

tryingtobebetterallthetime · 05/09/2019 00:41

Need a holiday, I am sure you are right that much of it is cultural and that the younger generations in particular, usually the young women, find it hard. I do know a young woman who was treated very badly by in laws. It was sad and tragic in many ways.

AcrossthePond55 · 05/09/2019 01:34

I really loved my iLs. They never pried and were unfailingly supportive and thoughtful, especially MiL. I'd still never have lived right next door to them. They say fences make good neighbours, but a bit of distance makes good in-Laws.

(DH would say the same about my parents)

DramaAlpaca · 05/09/2019 01:37

Good lord no. The same village was bad enough. And my late in-laws were nice.

Makesmilingyourbesthobby · 05/09/2019 01:47

I live next door to my mother it works well for me and my dd’s pros are far higher than the cons only downside I ever had when was when one of my siblings moved back home to my mothers for awhile

Zakana · 05/09/2019 01:54

No. Just no. You’ll live to regret it. My partners family are Greek Cypriot, very overbearing and interfering plus I can’t stand my MIL. she lives 2000 miles away and I sometimes think that’s not far enough. All she is interested in is her son, not her grandchildren and certainly not me. The cultural differences play a part but mostly it’s because she’s a witch and my partner, her son has been spoilt rotten all his life by all the females in his family, who all treat him as if he is the new messiah! Funnily enough, I don’t see him that way at all!

LoreleiRock · 05/09/2019 02:45

I love my in laws, I live 3500miles away from them. I think this helps to keep the relationship really really good.

Nat6999 · 05/09/2019 03:27

No, no & no, don't do it, I had the misfortune to live round the corner from my in laws when I was married & we had to drive past their house every time we went out or came home. It got to the stage I sometimes parked my car two streets away to avoid seeing them, I would go shopping & they would appear as I unloaded the car, I couldn't buy anything without them knowing, if I went out when my husband was at work, they would tell him what time I left, what I was wearing & what time I came home. No wonder our marriage ended.

JarOfHearts4 · 05/09/2019 04:42

I used to like my inlaws. A decade later and I'm very glad they live in another state. No way would I live next door to them.

titnomatani · 05/09/2019 05:30

Never in a million years. DH and I wouldn't be married for much longer if we did. (I may be from the same culture as your DH and can 1000% hand on heart say, parents from that culture use their sons as their retirement plan and for their partners to fall into line to make that happen- don't do it.)

paradisedreamer · 05/09/2019 05:42

A definite no from me too.

saraclara · 05/09/2019 05:45

I need privacy. No way could I do that. I'd hate family members to be aware of all my comings and goings, every visitor I have, etc. It wouldn't matter how much I loved them, I need my space.

strawberry2017 · 05/09/2019 05:46

It's a hell no from me!
I think you would regret it, it would be all of them against you. You need space.
Move same area but not next door

HeronLanyon · 05/09/2019 06:10

No. You’d never feel your home was your home - your head would constantly be aware of them being next door even if the practicalities worked out !
Near but deffo not next door.
I’d also want them not to be where a regular walk (to shops/nursery/school) etc meant you walked by their house regularly).

yikesanotherbooboo · 05/09/2019 06:31

My mil lived a few doors away from us and it worked very well. It meant that the DC had an excellent relationship with her and when she got older and frailer she was able to stay in her own home as we could support her.
We remained independent in some ways eg I continued to pay for childcare but we ate together weekly and had all the day to day advantages eg parcels, dog sitting etc.it did mean that we couldn't easily move house and leave her but on the other hand was much less intrusive for either party than living under one roof.
My DM lives next door to DSis and it works very well.

scatteredglitter · 05/09/2019 06:47

Nearby yes next door no

Bluntness100 · 05/09/2019 06:57

If they are moving to your home town surely they would be close anyway? Do you need to move house? Are the two of you going to move, and all that entails, simply to be next door to them?

cptartapp · 05/09/2019 07:08

SIL and family live next door to PIL. All fine and dandy when they had free childcare on tap for years, not so much now the dc are older and the tables have turned. They've admitted it was a mistake and have years of 'payback' to look forward to. Strained relationships all round. I wouldnt.

MG08 · 05/09/2019 07:11

No, I live down the road from mine and it's been awful. When my DD was born my MIL would complain to my DH that my parents were visiting me too much.

GammaStingRay · 05/09/2019 07:16

It is quite common where I live for immigrant families from India and the Punjab to have multi generations in the same large home. It seems to work for them.

Appearances can be deceiving. My OH is Punjabi, one of his sisters has gone for the whole traditional semi-arranged marriage, waiting until marriage to kiss, moving in with her husband and his parents and grandparent deal. Only now she’s living there his sister has come back to live with them, along with a cousin, OH’s sister has a new baby.

Unless you have a massive house it’s impossible not to be on top of each other, they don’t have a spare room for the baby so they don’t know where they’re gonna put him when he outgrows sleeping with his parents. She doesn’t massively get along with her sister in law but is now living with her, they’re all under each other’s feet all the time and raising her son is challenging cos everyone has an opinion in the house, her MIL and GMIL and SIL and the cousins and aunties that drop by daily. There’s a lot of tension and suppressing arguments for the harmony of the house.

She makes it work cos the tradition appeals to her and she feels the benefits outweigh the downsides but equally I know of many Punjabi families where it’s not worked so well, the daughter in law is treated like an unpaid skivvy expected to do everything for everyone, no personal space or time. I couldn’t do it.

ineedaholidaynow · 05/09/2019 07:20

It’s interesting reading this thread how many people don’t seem to have moved very far when they left home.

GammaStingRay · 05/09/2019 07:30

ineedaholidaynow

I’d say it’s more the norm to NOT move very far than it is to move far away tbh. The people I know who moved far away did so because they had a strong reason to such as uni or a specific job, and then put roots down and stayed (though many return back to their hometown). If you’ve never had that reason to move away from your hometown and people you’re close to, possibly a relationship you’ve established, then most people just wouldn’t bother or see the point I think.

fedup21 · 05/09/2019 07:32

Not in a million years

Nextphonewontbesamsung · 05/09/2019 07:40

Hmmm. Assuming that your pil will do 100% of childcare plus extra baby sitting is also problematic. It's like handing over bringing up your child to them. Also ... who would want to renovate a house whilst working and looking after a baby? Madness! I think the massive con of your loss of privacy far outweighs any of the pros.

ineedaholidaynow · 05/09/2019 07:50

Gamma I’m not necessarily talking hundreds of miles, some people don’t seem to have moved further than literally down the street.

Much as part of me would love DS(14) to live near us when he leaves home, I think it would be hard to be truly independent if you are only a few doors down the road.