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Original poster

Living next door to inlaws

99 replies

ImontheTRAIN · 04/09/2019 16:04

Inlaws are moving to our home town, from another town 90mins away. DH and I have just had a DC (4 weeks) several years of infertility and being told we'd never have children. Inlaws are over the moon and are moving up so we can spend more time together.

My relationship with inlaws in good, I like them and they like me. But I'm very worried this is about to change!

The house next door to the one inlaws are buying has come up for sale. It doesn't suit us and our needs at all, but with some renovation works we could make it work for us. Financially viable, and DH is very keen to buy it and move home - we were looking to move anyway.

There are obvious pros and cons with living next door to inlaws, and I need some help to figure out if this is something do-able - first reaction was 'no wayyyyyyyyy'!

Cons: Very anxious about stupid things like how often to visit them, if not enough they might be offended and if too much they may feel I'm crowding them. I'm worried about DH spending all his time there and not having as much time for me and DC (unlikely but still a worry.) I'm worried about losing my freedoms to walk around in next to nothing, incase FIL pops over (from another culture, quite traditional.) I'm an introvert and don't really like socialising or people calling around unannounced.

Pros: We won't have to pay £500 a month in childcare when I go back to work as the inlaws will look after DC. (It will in inlaws, sister in law and brother in law living next door initially, until SIL and BIL find their own homes - but this could be years as they are quite dependant on PIL due to health issues) DH and I will still be able to go to cinema, gym on a evening together, as again, childcare won't be an issue. We'll get lots of nice food sent over/on offer as the family like to eat well. Help and assistance running my business on tap (I have an online shop which I run from home, they will help with deliveries, packing etc) which means I don't need to find external staff (I will pay them.)

Most of all, there is an expectation in DH's culture to assist with taking care of parents as they become older, and I'm okay with this. They are lovely lovely people but I don't know them that well - there is a slight language barrier but mainly due to distance that has always been between us. I'm just worried about things going wrong if we live so close to them, which will impact our relationship and in turn, maybe DH's and mine relationship. DH has made a lot of sacrifices for me - willingly, such as leaving his home town originally and moving away from his parents to be with me in our town, changing jobs in the process. DH is not putting pressure on me at all but I know this is something he feels duty bound to do. Inlaws don't know about our plans, as we'd want to surprise them. My heart says 'yes' as I want to DH to be happy, but head is saying 'no' as I've heard too many horror stories. I could equally be worried about nothing.

Can anyone offer some perspectives?

OP posts:
MzHz · 04/09/2019 17:01

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Just don’t!

Stationeryqueen · 04/09/2019 17:04

I get on well with my MiL, but would not in a million years do this.

It will impact on everything in your day to day life.

You can still love and care for your In-laws, without them living next door.

TixieLix · 04/09/2019 17:05

During the renovations they'll be suggesting you add a doorway here and there so that the properties connect. Oh, and let's move a few fence panels so we have one big garden.... I wouldn't do it. There will be a total lack of privacy, even without those amendments. Are the houses joined (semi/terrace)? They'll be overhearing any arguments you have or, god forbid, the bed squeaking when you have sex!

31RueCambon75001 · 04/09/2019 17:06

Madn3ss.
Nearby okif u get on but next door no

Cosyjimjamsforautumn · 04/09/2019 17:10

NO

LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD · 04/09/2019 17:13

Depends on the dynamics. Works really well for us (brilliant for childcare, letting in workmen, taking in parcels etc) and I’m sure we are the big pain in the backside! It happened more by accident than design.

But again - depends on the family! Mum moved ten mins away from my sister and it drove them both crazy.

Maybe I’m just really lucky to have a great mil. As she gets older it’s nicer to have everyone around too.

IncrediblySadToo · 04/09/2019 17:13

Nooooooooooooo

Nooooooooooooo

Nnnooooooooooooo

Just no

You’ll regret it from day 1 and you’ll have YEARS of not having your own life.
They’re moving to your town, that’s mire than close enough!

Save your sanity ABD your marriage- say no now!

Jennifer2r · 04/09/2019 17:16

I have a dear friend who shares a house half and half with her in laws. Everyone at work and that she meets is horrified by it. They're very very happy.

TheBrockmans · 04/09/2019 17:17

No, too close. 10 min walk away and out of sight maybe so you can come and go freely but still easy walking distance. If after 5-10 years all still happy and harmonious then maybe reconsider but not in these circumstances. If BIL and SIL have health difficulties might you end up being the default carer to all four of them? This might be something you are prepared to do, but if you are next door you will be expected to. Also if they really wanted to be that close to you would they not have consulted you and tried to find somewhere near to your house?

LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD · 04/09/2019 17:18

And having someone who can pop in to make you a cup of tea and a sandwich (and sympathise) when you have slipped a disk is heaven...

Alicatz66 · 04/09/2019 17:24

Nope !!!

likeridingabike · 04/09/2019 17:26

It sounds like you see this move as enabling you to carry on your pre dc lives, l agree with the pp you need to give yourselves a head wobble, having in-laws next door and constantly dropping your baby off so you can go to the gym, cinema etc. No chance that'll end well unless you're essentially handing child rearing over to your in-laws.

Haworthia · 04/09/2019 17:28

Most of all, there is an expectation in DH's culture to assist with taking care of parents as they become older

Don’t kid yourself that this would be something shared equally between you and your husband. It’s always the women who do the grunt work.

Also, I get on with my in laws but things were distinctly rocky for a while after our first child (their first grandchild) was born. MIL was so loud and so overbearing it drove me nuts for YEARS (I think it’s a culture clash too - my ILs are Indian). It all came from a place of love but OMG, it was tough on me and I resented her for it. They lived around 90mins away too. If they’d lived next door, I would have gone over the edge Grin

RippleEffects · 04/09/2019 17:34

We live a small street away from my parents, my sister couple of doors away.

We all have keys to each other's. Lots and lots of pro's as you've highlighted and a few areas that need consideration/ ground rules.

For me the advantages far outweigh there disadvantages but that's not saying the disadvantages don't grate sometimes.

We don't have a walking in unexpectedly issue and there is a simple fix like twisted key in the lock. If curtains are drawn we leave alone.

When lots of childcare is going on boundaries over who has final say can be harder to enforce without causing hurt. My sister and I have quite different parenting styles, many right ways of parenting and all that, sometimes though her more laid back 'let them get on with it' gets right under my skin till I can't bite my tongue any longer and I let myself down by blowing up.

The pluses as you list are amazing. They keep improving as the children grow too. Things like having someone to pop in on a sick child if you're out and they're sort of old enough to be left and happier at home but equally, you're not quite comfortable being off at work all day just leaving them.

In your situation I think Id do a pro's and con's list of every little worry vs every advantage then look at how the worries could be mitigated and whether reasonably you could manage them.

museumsandgalleries666 · 04/09/2019 17:38

I think you should go ahead and move next door. You seem to be inventing problems that don't actually exist and there's no certainty there will be any problems. They are nice people, you all like each other, they will help you with the children and your business. I don't know why you're worrying to such an extent. Certainly set out ground rules for each other when you move in, for their benefit as well as yours. Good luck

Aquamarine1029 · 04/09/2019 17:42

Absolutely NO WAY. You will lose every shred of privacy, and once there, you will be trapped because I promise you your husband will not be willing to move away in fear of upsetting his parents. They will be enmeshed in every single aspect of your lives. You will feel like you're being suffocated with no way to escape. NO WAY.

Windydaysuponus · 04/09/2019 17:45

Who wants to shag with mil/dm next door anyway??
Put that to dh!!!

MashedSpud · 04/09/2019 17:50

No, no and no.

MrsMc2019 · 04/09/2019 17:55

We're two doors down from my PILs, they're lovely and not intrusive in anyway at all. We actually see more of my DPs at the other side of our (small) town that we do of them. I might be in the minority but I do love how close we are. I'm actually surrounded by family in the local area - most of my mother's side live in our town (not raised here but instead all opted to move here at different times).

Animum2 · 04/09/2019 20:04

My dh sister and her partner live in a small village and dsil partners parents moved into same village and 2 doors away when sil moved and it seems to work for them as sil has young adult children who also have kids so a lot of extra help available

mordecaithomas · 04/09/2019 20:07

🥴

Living next door to inlaws
Hk17 · 04/09/2019 20:10

I've lived next door to my in-laws for over 30 years, mostly happily. They were very helpful with childcare when our children were growing up. However, I would say that next door is a bit too close, and perhaps nearby would be better, if I had my time again. The pros have definitely outweighed the cons over all. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Cherrysoup · 04/09/2019 23:59

Jesus, no, don’t move next door to inlaws!

tryingtobebetterallthetime · 05/09/2019 00:08

I'm the in law. We live a five minute walk from our son and his family. Not next door but quite close.

We moved here first and they followed a couple of years later.

I would not like to be next door to them myself. We are close and DH especially sees the grandkids almost daily and helps out with things over there, but we would lose that sense of separation if we were next door. I love having their dog come over in the afternoons when they are all at work and school. I sometimes make a treat like cookies and can take them over easily.

We all need privacy. If DH and I want to have a heated discussion, they won't think we are divorcing and vice versa.

tryingtobebetterallthetime · 05/09/2019 00:11

But, there are many cultures that live with multigenerational groups together. It is quite common where I live for immigrant families from India and the Punjab to have multi generations in the same large home. It seems to work for them.