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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I had an affair

91 replies

IAmTheSockThief · 03/09/2019 22:22

Its over and I'm finding the guilt crippling (I'm not looking for sympathy)

Background, I nearly died last year. A relatively straightforward illness manifested itself in such a way that it nearly killed me. I've only just been given the all clear almost 10 months on.

That 10 months has been awful for everyone and I shut down. I turned away and couldn't cope and ended up by default in touch with an ex after a random message he sent out the blue one night.

Being so scared was what led me to shut down but I didn't want to burden my family anymore so I used him being in touch to lean on him instead.

I'm not going to sugarcoat it, it was an emotional and physical affair... my husband has no idea. It's ended now and I feel awful. Awful for my husband, the other guy, his OH, the fucking kids involved.

I love my husband but things aren't good and he knows that we've discussed it to a point but I'm lying by omission amn't I? I don't want to hurt him but I have already and I don't know what to do. I'm torn between trying to just work on our marriage, telling the truth and seeing where it takes us or just giving him the decency to not be devastated by this but have a life where he isn't married to someone who has lied to him and cheated on him.

Again, I'm not looking for sympathy. Just advice...

OP posts:
bluebell34567 · 03/09/2019 22:27

congratulations for getting well Flowers
i see no point in telling him. cant you work out the problems without telling him the affair?

KellyHall · 03/09/2019 22:32

How would you feel if the situation was reversed? Put yourself in your husband's shoes and think: would it be better to work out your own issues, witholding this information? Or tell all? You know your husband and your relationship better than we do.

RJoneszy · 03/09/2019 22:33

Don't tell him just to share your guilt .. it will crush him. Pain sharing is not a good idea. If it's definitely over, leave it. The guilt is yours to deal with alone Thanks

stillawakeat4amagain · 03/09/2019 22:34

You need to tell him it's his choice to stay or not. This is not your decision he needs all the facts if you are going to try and save your relationship.

Original poster
IAmTheSockThief · 03/09/2019 22:34

I'm not 100% sure where working through our problems will take us but it's unlikely he would find out about the affair through other means if that's what you're asking

OP posts:
simplekindoflife · 03/09/2019 22:35

If it's over, I'm not sure what good it would do to tell your DH atm. It would hurt him and it would just be to relieve your guilt.

You've been through a lot. Don't be too hard on yourself. Thanks Could you try counselling just for you? And maybe DH too when you feel strong enough.

Original poster
IAmTheSockThief · 03/09/2019 22:37

Honestly I don't know how I would feel kelly

OP posts:
Karkasaurus · 03/09/2019 22:41

Lots of people have affairs, OP. Just chin up and forget about it.

Original poster
IAmTheSockThief · 03/09/2019 22:43

Counselling has been a conversation we've had but yeah, I do think I probably would benefit from 1 to 1 counselling. My mum especially thinks I need it but the concept of opening up scares me too

OP posts:
Original poster
IAmTheSockThief · 03/09/2019 22:51

Also it's not about telling him to guilt share but more about does he have the right to know?

OP posts:
Mrsmummy90 · 03/09/2019 22:54

Mumsnet never fails to amaze me. Whenever a woman is cheated on it's always "what a lying bastard! He should've told you" but when a woman cheats, it's "don't tell him. Just forget about it"

He has the right to know who he's married to and it's up to him to decide what happens with the relationship now. You gave up that right when you got into bed with someone else.

Original poster
IAmTheSockThief · 03/09/2019 23:02

Probably right there mrsmummy. My biggest concern is the kids... yeah prob too late but I keep coming back to the question of why I would devastate them all (I appreciate it's already done but by telling them) when it's already over.

I'm pretty sure we are on the road to separation anyway... christ knows. I know I'm a selfish, deceitful cow I'm not trying to dispute that I really do just want to minimise any more hurt than has already happened

OP posts:
Mrsmummy90 · 03/09/2019 23:10

There's no reason why the kids would ever have to know the reason. That is purely between you and your husband.

I apologise for being harsh but I just hate the double standards so much. He deserves to know the truth.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/09/2019 23:20

He deserves to know. Currently he thinks you’re both working on your marriage and he’s living a lie. He’s been through thinking his wife was going to die and all that will have meant for himself and your children and you’ve sought comfort with another man, putting your energy into something outside of your marriage. He’ll be devastated, of course he will, but that’s on you and he can stop making an effort to save something that, at the moment, he still thinks is worth it. No point having joint counselling or trying to hold it together when he’s in the dark and you have a massive horribly secret.

Not sure what you mean by “by default”. You made a series of choices. Own them.

MMmomDD · 03/09/2019 23:26

OP - if you are on the route to separation anyway - let it play out. Let the reasons for that be what they actually are - YOUR relationship. Isn’t it the case?
Affair has nothing to do with why your marriage may be failing.
This ‘revelation’ will add hurt and make it all about it.
And would hurt your H way more. And he’ll carry it with him forever.
Why do it to him?
And it may be that counselling may change the trajectory anyway.

Carry your guilt yourself. No need to share it.

Original poster
IAmTheSockThief · 03/09/2019 23:31

The counselling was discussed before and he backtracked. Doesn't really matter though tbh anne. You're not wrong. There has been seriously questionable behaviour on his part but I know which I guess is the difference (assuming I know it all). You're still right though.

No need to apologise mrsmummy I get it

OP posts:
Original poster
IAmTheSockThief · 03/09/2019 23:33

MMmonDD that was my thought process tbh.

My heads a mess. I've no idea what the right or wrong thing to do is anymore.

OP posts:
DecomposingComposers · 03/09/2019 23:38

How.much more hurt would your husband be if he finds out later on? What if you get your relationship back on track and then at some point in the future he finds out? Surely that would be even more devastating? I'm not sure how you can be so certain that the truth won't out - what if the OM gets an attack of conscience and tells his wife the truth or you let something slip or can't bear living with deceit?

I can't imagine how you could go to couples counseling and fully engage in it whilst desperately burying not to let slip the affair tbh.

AMidsummersNightsNightmare · 03/09/2019 23:45

I’d definitely tell him OP, from my experience finding out from the person themselves was much easier than finding out from someone else

Original poster
IAmTheSockThief · 03/09/2019 23:47

As I said the counselling was discussed before all this.

The other guys oh knows already. I can't say 100% it wouldn't come back to my husband but 99.9% certainty it won't. Admittedly I'm not.even looking at the what ifs down the line I'm looking at the immediate situation. Not dismissing responses, just responding to bits for clarification

OP posts:
CatherineOfAragonsPrayerBook · 03/09/2019 23:51

Your marriage is on the way to being over anyway. You came close to death, one of those big moments in life that often makes you appreciate what you have more and makes you want to bond deeper to those you love most in your life, but it didn't result in you drawing closer to your husband, you sought another man for that.

So no matter whether you keep this to yourself or not, I would say its a sign that things are drastically wrong and you wanted the affair and are not getting something in your marriage. Assuming it's not sex what is it that you got from this affair that you're not getting? And be honest with yourself. Is it something that you really need or are you being selfish and it's something you want?

I think you should seek personal therapy, to explore those questions, you nearly died after all and may be suffering some trauma. You could tell your husband that you need to process some difficult emotions. This would be good because you could 'confess' to the therapist and decide what you want.

I think your husband has a right to know but there's being realistic. I hope you can work things out for the sake of your marriage.

MMmomDD · 03/09/2019 23:52

No one knows how what ifs in the future may work.
Maybe working on the relationship will bring relationship issues forward and they resolve them. Both OP and H would work on themselves and restart their marriage....
If then, later in the future affair comes to light - they might be able to see that it was a symptom of where they were..: and they’ll keep going....
Maybe counselling would lead to separation. And future revelation would happen after both have moved on... so it won’t matter...
Too many possibilities and maybes...

What’s clear is that OP isn’t thinking of separation because she met someone else. The relationship is in trouble all on its own.
No need to bring in something that would only hurt more people.

TeaForDad · 03/09/2019 23:56

I'd leave, not tell him about the affair

darkcloudsandsunnyskies · 04/09/2019 00:20

If you have been really ill it can do funny things to you and take you to very strange places indeed. Physical and mental health are inter related. You can shut down totally your emotions and rationalisation and be aware of it but still lack control. It takes a long time to get back to normal.

You lit the flame of the affair from the first contact and it simply exploded and burnt out. You should keep it to yourself but that comes at a price. You pay that price.

Lplus2 · 04/09/2019 03:15

Op unfortunately I think this will eat you up eventually. Thinking about how he may find out one day(his wife could find out and tell your husband etc) I think you should come clean with your husband and both work on your marriage if that is what you both want. He deserves to know. He needs to know the full story and make that decision for himself. I think when people are cheated on that is what hurts the most-the lying. Come clean and let him decide.

Best of luck x

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